To forgive my father or not.

This is a discussion on To forgive my father or not. within the Bob & Terry's Place forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Children can not have a complete picture of their parent's lives. You do not know all of the factors which caused him to behave in ...

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Thread: To forgive my father or not.

  1. #16
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    Children can not have a complete picture of their parent's lives. You do not know all of the factors which caused him to behave in a particular way and there may be reasons regarding his not being there for you that you know nothing about and should know nothing about. What appears to you to have been low and neglectful, and a bunch of broken promises which hurt, may have been something else entirely.

    It sounds like you want to go to see your dad; so do it.

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  3. #17
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    It's something you won't be able to do over. The way I see it, if you go see him or call you won't regret doing it. It may not give you great closure or relief but it won't likely make your emotional status on this matter any worse. If you don't try, the part of you that wants to call will regret it.
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  4. #18
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    I have been in, and am in, most of the situation and circumstances that you are.

    My father's failing health means absolutely nothing to me. I have not communicated with him for 20-years now, and I never intend to again.

    He made his choices decades ago, and he will have to live with the consequences of them. If that includes dying all alone on a hospital bed someday, oh well.

  5. #19
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    I think you're seeing a consistent theme in the replies here.

    I thought Bark'n's comment was particularly poignant.

    Choose carefully and thoughtfully, and whatever you do, let the hurt go.
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  6. #20
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    Bitterness and hate will eat you up inside, DM2 said it well about forgiveness being on you, it doesn't mean he deserves it, just means you are willing...

    That said, because you stated you are an atheist, you could live out your worldview, since you deny the existence of God and beleive in nothing beyond what is seen or known then what he did to you is really nothing and whatever you do is nothing, none of it matters, death is the natural end of life and so what, there is nothing else. (By the way you have to assert a "god" of somekind exists to deny his existence which provides a doosy of a logical falacy...) just saying, it puts your whole view of the world in question...

    hope you are able to find your answer...

  7. #21
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    I don't really understand the concept of forgiveness in the same way others do. When I have been repeatedly wronged, I avoid the cause. I won't go out of my way to punish someone who has wronged me, but I have no obligation to reestablish a relationship.

    A child owes nothing to his parents.
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  8. #22
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    The majority of folks that have replied (two exceptions), have articulated everything that I could have said and more. So I shall +1 each response and hope you choose to act and proceed in a manner that will give you peace the remainder of YOUR life.
    Sometimes in life you have to stand your ground. It's a hard lesson to learn and even most adults don't get it, but in the end only I can be responsible for my life. If faced with any type of adversity, only I can overcome it. Waiting for someone else to take responsibility is a long fruitless wait.

  9. #23
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    I'm not going to read all the replys here, I do want to say this though:

    Be sure you forgive your father for any thing he may have done to you and your mom, go to him, speak nothing of the past, tell him that you love him.

    You will find in this act that your heart will not be heavy, you will have peace. If not, even if you think you hate this man, years down the road you will regret not making peace and it will haunt you for a long time.

    My brother has this issue with my brother (dead since 93).

    It took me a long time to forgive my dad for some of the crap he pulled on us when we were kids.

    Now don't get me wrong, you don't have to get all cozy with the man, just forgive him and forget the past.

  10. #24
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    Forgive him or you will become more and more like him in all the ways you hated.
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  11. #25
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    I'm not making light of this but; When a bunch of guys, from an online gun forum of all things, vote for compassion and forgiving, I think you have your answer.

    I lost my son. The last year he was with us was a torment. He and I hit heads in an extreme fashion. Took me a long time for forget that part and remember the right stuff. I wish....but it's gone now.
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  12. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by svgheartland View Post
    I'm not making light of this but; When a bunch of guys, from an online gun forum of all things, vote for compassion and forgiving, I think you have your answer.

    I lost my son. The last year he was with us was a torment. He and I hit heads in an extreme fashion. Took me a long time for forget that part and remember the right stuff. I wish....but it's gone now.
    Interesting observation you made, and says a lot about gun guys doesn't it?

    I'm very sorry about your son.........life can be tough, keep the faith.
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  13. #27
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    Call him, spend time with him. The hurt and pain that you experienced in the past can't be anything as bad as the regret you'll feel when he is no longer there and you don't have a chance to form a relationship. Be the bigger man, take the first step. I'm doing the same with my father, whom I don't expect to be around 10 years from now. I'm just waiting on him to accept the gesture.
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  14. #28
    Distinguished Member Array mr.stuart's Avatar
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    Lot of good advice here. I will add this, my dad passed away in 1986.Now that I look back,he was not as bad a guy as I thought.I often wish I could talk to him for just 5 minutes. One of my brothers told me the way he now thinks about parenting,either a persons parents did the best they could,or they were just horrible monsters. A lot of parents do the best they can. None of us are perfect. My 23 year old son despises me for whatever reasons his mother gave him. Sometime there are more sides to a story than people understand. Wish you the best.

  15. #29
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    You only live once. You probably will regret not talking with him after he is gone, and you probably will never regret trying. Worst case is that he confirms what you are already thinking.
    "Just blame Sixto"

  16. #30
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    Forgive him if you can. Speak with him no matter how painful it may be. He will be gone one day, sooner or later. That opportunity to talk with him will be gone that same day he moves on. I personally think it would be easier for you to forget the conversation, should it go bad, and block it out much the same way you did many of your forgotten fishing trips. BUT what if that conversation generates a new perspective of your father and you passed on the opportunity to make things right or have a pleasant memory of some type. Call him or you'll never know what would have been said, good or bad.

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