To forgive my father or not.

This is a discussion on To forgive my father or not. within the Bob & Terry's Place forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I would say keep it simple. Will seeing him have a positive or negative effect on your life? Then it becomes a yes or no ...

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Thread: To forgive my father or not.

  1. #31
    Senior Member Array ASSA9's Avatar
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    I would say keep it simple.
    Will seeing him have a positive or negative effect on your life?
    Then it becomes a yes or no answer.
    Zoe: "Preacher, don't the Bible have some pretty specific things to say about killing?

    Book: "Quite specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzier on the subject of kneecaps."

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  3. #32
    Distinguished Member Array svgheartland's Avatar
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    I guess I missed something. Yeah, I wish and that's all I can do. You....don't wish. That comes later and that IS too late. Just go on. I'd rather try and maybe fail then fail to try. It won't hurt. Living with yourself, that can hurt.

    And ppkheat....thanks mi amigo. And yeah, how bout them gun guys?
    Savage Heartland

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  4. #33
    Ex Member Array WhoWeBePart1's Avatar
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    First off his surgery went well today. He is recovering in ICU as my sister informed me.

    Second I didn't think I would get so many replies and I thank all who have so far posted as I have read each and everyone. I'm glad I found this forum.

    Last but not least the chances of me seeing him are about 1% as I've not seen him since 2003. I have tried to talk to him in the past about things. He knows he was a terrible father and never a dad to me. I refuse to call him my dad. He is just someone that helped give me life. Almost all my memories with him where hanging out at the American Legion, the Elks Lodge or the VFW where he would just give me quarters to go play pinball while he sat at the bar and got drunk. I am really good at pinball though.

    Sadly whenever I do try to talk to him the conversation goes sour and he normally ends up hanging up on me because he just doesn't want to hear it. He would rather hang up then deal with the truth. That is how our last conversation ended. I was in tears and he just hung up the phone. That was about a year ago.

    I know I have to figure it out for myself in the long run and I really do thank you all for your input. It gave me a lot to think about today. He being a terrible father though has made me a great dad to my daughter. I can't ever imagine her having to go threw the pain and grief that I did so him being a POS has had some positive.

    I welcome anymore additional thoughts because you guys/gals offered some really good advice.

  5. #34
    VIP Member Array Patti's Avatar
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    He being a terrible father though has made me a great dad to my daughter. I can't ever imagine her having to go threw the pain and grief that I did so him being a POS has had some positive.
    There you have it. You're already the better man.

    Don't live with regrets. Contact him and ask him how he's doing. Ask him if there's anything you can do for him.

    You don't have to get all wordy and start talking about the past or forgiveness.

    Just let him know that you're there for him.

    That's it. No more, no less.
    Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy. — Winston Churchill

  6. #35
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    Be the man that he never was. Make the phone call.
    You need to call him for your sake and not his sake.

    If you do take that step & call him and he is rude or ignorant to you then you can always just hang up the phone and then you know that you at least tried and will verify that you are the bigger and better man.

    You do not need to BS him or gush over him.
    Say Hi & wish him luck on his surgery and wish him a speedy recovery.

  7. #36
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    I'm an atheist so please don't tell me to pray about it or pray for me. I just do not know if I can forgive him or ever talk to him again. Years of pain will always be remembered.
    Quote..whowebepart1

    ^^^^^^^^^^This may be the bulk of your problem^^^^^^^^^^

    You do not have to forgive him,,,,for now.Go see him or at least call.
    Begin by telling him you hope his procedure goes well.
    Once you do that, you will have begun to break down the barrier in your heart, and he will perhaps see, that you wish to remain civil.

    Can anyone tell me what a benefit of a doubt is really worth?
    If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

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  8. #37
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    Forgiveness is the best gift you can give yourself!
    ALWAYS carry! - NEVER tell!

    "A superior Operator is best defined as someone who uses his superior
    judgement to keep himself out of situations that would require a display of his
    superior skills."

  9. #38
    Member Array Adameeski's Avatar
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    Keep trying to contact him. True forgiveness for the things that you have endured will certainly be a long difficult road. It is worth it though. My grandfather was VERY similar to your father. I watched my dad forgive him and realized, at a very young age, the power of forgiveness. I knew what he had put my dad and all of his brothers and sisters through and was amazed at the strength that it took to forgive. I still look up to my father for being able to forgive him. It will be better for you. If your father refuses to accept your forgiveness, then just keep in mind what Oscar Wilde said:

    “Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.”

    Just remember, you'll feel better regardless of the outcome.
    ...Adam

    "If you're not a liberal at 20, you have no heart, and if you're not a conservative at 40, you have no head." --Winston Churchill

  10. #39
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    +1 Patti; You just said what needed to be said!!

    Quote Originally Posted by Patti View Post
    There you have it. You're already the better man.

    Don't live with regrets. Contact him and ask him how he's doing. Ask him if there's anything you can do for him.

    You don't have to get all wordy and start talking about the past or forgiveness.

    Just let him know that you're there for him.

    That's it. No more, no less.
    Exactly!

  11. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by WhoWeBePart1 View Post
    I welcome anymore additional thoughts because you guys/gals offered some really good advice.
    Reading your last post, you may have to take the initiative here, but consider sending him a Get Well card and mention in it that you'll be in contact again in the future. After he's recovered from the surgery, send him a letter, card, or email (not phone) and tell him that you are willing to bury the hatchet, the past is behind us and let us move forward.

    Of course you have to want to do this and be sincere about it, and he does too. By initially writing you've explained your intentions, and you prevent the conversation from going sour. If you do this and "bury the hatchet" you need to keep the hatchet buried, hopefully this would open the door to bettering your relationship, that is if both of you want that.

    Good luck
    Turn the election's in 2014 to a "2A Revolution". It will serve as a 1994 refresher not to "infringe" on our Second Amendment. We know who they are now.........SEND 'EM HOME. Our success in this will be proportional to how hard we work to make it happen.

  12. #41
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    Well, apparently I'm one of a few that believe if you cut him out of your life at an early age, then why try to do self-surgery and re-attach him. If he's dead to you, then so be it. He's dead.
    Uncle Dannie
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  13. #42
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    I would not go visit any person personally that was going under the knife for anything heart related when the meeting could possibly turn very ugly.

  14. #43
    Member Array LSCurrier's Avatar
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    What do you gain by retaining hatred? Not much.

    What is possible to gain by forgiving your father? Perhaps you can have a relationship with you father.

    Maybe he wanted to have a relationship with you, but felt himself a failure and couldn't overcome this to keep his promises. Guilt and depression can be extremely difficult to overcome and can ruin lives and relationships.

    How will you feel if he dies and you chose to retain your hatred rather then seek a relationship with him? If this happens - it will never be possible to consider issue again.

    Luke
    "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
    John 3:16

  15. #44
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    I read through most replies and there was good advice from most. My father divorced from my mother when I was about 10. I never had the quality time with him I'd have liked. He was diagnosed with colon cancer and I made an effort to fly back to South Africa, where I'm originally from, to see him and help him after some surgery he had. His surgery was not a complete success and he later died from cancer. I had the benefit that he turned back to God after 40 years of him turning his back on God. He asked for my forgiveness and I gave it. Makes me feel much better that I did all that but I still wished I had talked more with him and connected more. I would also suggest staying away from the past. Try to forgive him, it is definitely more for you than for him. He may realize that he needs to forgive others too (possibly his father?) and himself. Lead by example as you are your own man now. I think you said a truth that your daughter can gain much out of you righting your fathers wrongs. But I do feel that you need to rid yourself of the bitterness. It will be better for you and your family.

    Good luck...
    "Firearms stand next in importance to the Constitution itself. They are the people's liberty teeth keystone... more than 99% of them by their silence indicate that they are in safe and sane hands. The very atmosphere of firearms everywhere restrains evil interference."
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  16. #45
    Ex Member Array WhoWeBePart1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by QKShooter View Post
    I would not go visit any person personally that was going under the knife for anything heart related when the meeting could possibly turn very ugly.
    Even if I wanted to call him I won't while he is in the hospital or the next week or so. My voice is the last he needs to hear in my opinion. Yall might find that weird but it's the truth.

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