I will see my father very soon and a lot is running through my head.
This is a discussion on I will see my father very soon and a lot is running through my head. within the Bob & Terry's Place forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Have you ever felt confused, unsure, not knowing what to do?
Facing a situation that you want to but there is this small voice in ...
July 26th, 2010 12:06 AM
I will see my father very soon and a lot is running through my head.
Have you ever felt confused, unsure, not knowing what to do?
Facing a situation that you want to but there is this small voice in the back of your head that says you don't want to. You want to avoid it but you know you can't.
Fear and rage comes to the mind at the same time. The push and pull of emotions and as the day closes in you think about it more and more.
Not knowing what to do, what to say. How to react when sitting or standing in front of this person that caused you so much harm and you want to forgive but have no clue how to do it.
A part of me wants to punch him in the face and another part wants to give him a hug.
The anger, the resent, the left alone and hanging and waiting and now I have to face it head on as I look him in the eye and make an attempt to forget and forgive.
The part that is the hardest is telling my daughter she has a grandfather she has never known. She has no clue what to call him and how will she react is beyond me. I have no clue how I will react when I seem him.
Confused, scared, angry, delighted and just unsure what will happen.
As the day grows near I hope I'll figure it out but till that day I'm going to beat my brain about this and that. Think about the worse and hope for the best.
July 26th, 2010 02:28 AM
Go for the hug instead of the punch in the face! Take a big stiff belt of whiskey and go with the flow! It's not going to be as bad as you think. I believe you both will be walking on eggshells so respect the apprehension your dad must be feeling as well.
Remember, he's gonna be meeting his granddaughter for the first time. Let that interaction be the predominant driving factor of this family get together and do your best to enjoy the reunion as much as possible.
Don't anticipate having a real great or a bad time, just participate in the moment and be supportive as much as possible. Remember, you have the high ground and you are extending your father yet another opportunity... Don't let him get under your skin.
You're not going to fix everything which has happened in the past so don't put any unrealistic expectations on yourself or on your father for that matter. Just be cordial, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Try to be receptive to any extended hand he offers but don't resent things if his pride and stubbornness keeps him from accepting all the errors of his past ways. Remember, he is likely going to see the past and things which happened in the past in a much different way than you remember things. Not that he is correct, but that's just the way it is in human nature.
Don't frustrate yourself trying to find the way to forgive him, just enjoy the reunion and see what that brings next. There's no law which say's you have to bury the hatchet on this first visit. If forgiveness is in the cards, it will play out naturally so don't struggle with it.
Don't let things blow up into an argument or a big scene. If things start going down hill, politely excuse yourself, and leave. Then you'll know where you stand.
Remember your first post on this topic. It's all about baby steps, my friend. Baby Steps!
"The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."
July 26th, 2010 03:04 AM
Why not do exactly that? What I mean is, to quietly tell him you're in a bit of a bind, knowing that your history together is full of harm, pain, anger and resentment, and that you're so mixed up inside that you don't know whether to strike him or give him a hug. If you can find the sincerity deep within, and if you are able to speak to him simply and directly about the conflict you're feeling, I think you'll be well on your way.
Originally Posted by WhoWeBePart1
I've got a close family member with whom I have severely strained relations. I've used this essential method, previously, to speak of some very sensitive issues between us. He was silent and attentive, knowing that it took all my reserve and control to wade into those waters. What he heard, at that time, was a message that nobody in his life had ever dared say to him. I didn't see the problem with doing so. It was something he was unware of within himself, something he desperately needed to know if he was to be able to interact in a wholesome way with the people close to him, and it was a hump we'd need to get over if he and I were ever to be able to speak on civil terms. We got through it. And I know that we've got a healthier relationship because of that exchange.
It was difficult for him, but my method was simple, direct and straight from the heart. It wasn't meant to harm; it was meant to speak the truth, to identify a hurt, and to propose a solution. There was little for him to do but "sign up" for the cure. We both did, at that time. It's not been easy, but we're a far sight better now than we ever were.
This might be a method to consider.
Or, take my grandfather's approach ... Are you a man or a mouse? Man up, and do what needs to be done. Speak simply and cautiously about the problem at hand, your viewpoint on how it's inhibiting your desire for resolving things with him, and what you'd like to see happen. He can either contribute, or be silent, or lash out. Based on what you know of him and the probabilities of a given outcome, you'll need to choose the appropriate time and setting.
The past is like dirty laundry, which you wash out then hang up to dry. The "wear" will always be with you, but there's no reason the "grit" from the past needs to chafe so badly that you can't move forward. You've already spelled out what needs to be done, and where your fears lie. Tell him, without blame, without shame, without resentment. At that point, you both should be able to see what you're up against. But you should be able to find a way toward mutual healing.
July 26th, 2010 04:13 AM
Well first off I appologize for knowing very, very little about your position (in life) in regards to this talk, but after reading the replys I believe you have all the makings for a great talk with your father, but also great progress to be made.
Just the other day, a very close friend gave me a letter to read which I thought was interesting so I sat down and gave it a review. Little did I know, this entire letter was about a HUGE short coming in my person life that I had failed to see (or didnt WANT to see) My point you say? Them method of delivery may very... Letter, song, a talk, what have you. But the real LOVE that a person has to offer doesnt reserve itself for "only when the time is right" or "only when its easy". Just the opposite. It looks beyond the near sighted pain and stuggle and see's something greater. I pray you will be able to work things out, and if things dont go as smooth as they could, Im still glad to know you have the motivation to voice your feelings.
Just my take on things;
Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. -Rom 13:8
"AND YE SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YOU FREE"
- JOHN VIII:XXXII
July 26th, 2010 09:01 AM
No matter what......take the high road.
July 26th, 2010 09:19 AM
barkn summed it up well...take it from here...dont take it from where it left off...
the fact that youre meeting means theres a bridge...cross it and forget the past...let this be a new beginning and see where it goes...dont let the past taint youre little ones experience...and opportunity for what could be a good relationship that outweighs the bad from the past...
July 26th, 2010 09:40 AM
You have received GREAT advice. You'll do the right thing, for you, your daughter, and your father, I'm sure.
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliott
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
July 26th, 2010 10:03 AM
This is the only thing I can add to what Bark'n and ccw9mm have said:
Mayonnaise Jar & Two Beers....
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous 'yes....'
The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed..
'Now,' said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car..
The sand is everything else---the small stuff.
'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Spend time with your children..
Spend time with your parents.
Visit with grandparents.
Take your spouse out to dinner.
Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.
Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter.
Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand.
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.
The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'
The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.
I would rather die with good men than hide with cowards
If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans
Don't ever think that the reason I'm peaceful is because I don't know how to be violent
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July 26th, 2010 05:13 PM
US ARMY Veteran 1965-1967 Vietnam 1966-1967
WELCOME HOME TO ALL WHO SERVED, AND FOR THOSE STILL SERVING,
A BIG THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE. FOR THOSE OF YOU DOWN RANGE
WATCH YOUR 6, AND KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
A PATRIOT BELIEVES IN IT....A VETERAN LIVED IT
July 26th, 2010 05:25 PM
Why did you choose this point in life to reunite?n
Don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see!
July 26th, 2010 11:56 PM
My mother passed away last year and my father had some serious health issues earlier this year that almost killed him. I've talked to him more in the past few months than I have in years. He even remembered to call me on my birthday this year, even sent me a check. I was shocked because I honestly do not remember the last time he did remember my birthday which is kind of ironic since his is April 2nd and mine is April 29th.
Originally Posted by varob
He is trying the best he can to rebuild some sort of relationship and he seems excited to meet his only granddaughter for the first time. So we shall see how things go in a couple of weeks. To everyone that has so far responded. As always I appreciate it the advice.
July 27th, 2010 01:23 AM
Ah. Well, your little gem can allow for the soft shoe, as one possible angle. No tactics, no special things to say or do. Just bring your daughter and do everything you can to help her "take" with grandpa, and make every effort to help him with bonding successfully with his granddaughter. You honestly have a chance to leave everything else out of it.
Originally Posted by WhoWeBePart1
Perhaps the rest will come at a later get-together, where you can focus on the two of you. This time, though, you might consider just being there strictly for him and your daughter to bond. It might truly be the high point of her year, his decade. Once that's cemented, then you can ease into the other stuff that has been such an impediment, but at that point you'll have this softer point of contact between you to rely upon. Pure love, in the form of a grandchild, can work wonders.
I hope that this family gathering is everything you hope it can be, for the sake of each of you. You have much to gain, all around. Good luck!
July 27th, 2010 02:45 AM
My son and I have been through some very difficult years. We have tied hard to hurt each other. I am at a point where when he tells me good news, I am overjoyed. If dad is open to good news, make him happy. Don't miss a chance to reconnect.
I'm not a lawyer or a LEO, just a pantload with a computer.
August 4th, 2010 06:31 PM
Whowebe, I just now saw this thread. Have you and your daughter seen him yet? How did it go?
"I pledge allegiance to the war banner of the united states of Totalitaria. And to the Republic, which no longer stands, several bankers, who are now god, indivisible, with Bernanke bucks and credit for all."
August 4th, 2010 06:43 PM
We leave this Friday and I will let yall know how things go. Should be interesting since we are staying with him.
Originally Posted by gilraen
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