We've Won a Battle But Not the War

This is a discussion on We've Won a Battle But Not the War within the Bob & Terry's Place forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Without going into elaborate detail, my sister left her emotionally abusive husband of several years and moved in with a man who started to physically ...

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 35
Like Tree6Likes

Thread: We've Won a Battle But Not the War

  1. #1
    Senior Moderator
    Array limatunes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Iowa
    Posts
    4,246

    We've Won a Battle But Not the War

    Without going into elaborate detail, my sister left her emotionally abusive husband of several years and moved in with a man who started to physically abuse her.

    The physical abuse started only a few weeks ago but it escalated quickly.

    After seeing bruises on her my other sister alerted the rest of the family and we have been working on her almost around the clock to convince her to leave and show her the support and love she needs.

    My mother called me with great news in that my sister called this morning and asked my parents to come and get her, her child and their things.

    The only disheartening part was when she said, "And who knows, maybe in the future things will work out and I can go back."

    We know she is battered woman from her years with her ex and after today's rescue mission (my mother is putting together an army of volunteers to get in there and get everything out before he comes home from work) we are going to try to find her counseling and support groups that will help her find the strength to emotionally leave him as well.

    Any prayers, thoughts or advice anyone could give would be greatly appreciated.

    We're so grateful to have won this one battle but, as stated, this is not over.

  2. Remove Ads

  3. #2
    Member Array Backnblack's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Maryland
    Posts
    285
    Good to hear!

    HTC Thunderbolt....4G Lightning Speed

  4. #3
    VIP Member Array paaiyan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Oklahoma
    Posts
    2,071
    That's great news! I've known a few girls in similar situations and been a part of at least two interventions, though nothing so drastic. Most recently it took the friend of mine realizing that he was cheating on her to truly see how little he cared for her. That was when it tipped and she realized that he wasn't a guy who cared about her and had a few problems, he just didn't. While I'm truly sad to see their relationship fail as both are longtime friends of mine, it's good to know she was smart enough to realize she needed out. That's great to hear though that she's getting out of those situations. Maybe it's time to break the pattern.

    My prayers will be with the family and everyone involved, here's hoping it turns out for the best. Just make sure the family is on their toes lest the guy come looking. It wouldn't be the first time!
    My blog

    WARNING: This post may contain material offensive to those who lack wit, humor, common sense and/or supporting factual or anecdotal evidence. All statements and assertions contained herein may be subject to literary devices not limited to: irony, metaphor, allusion and dripping sarcasm.

  5. #4
    VIP Member
    Array WHEC724's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    SC
    Posts
    6,500
    It's hard to imagine anyone in the Lima family tolerating any sort of physical abuse...

    I went through the same thing with my sister, but she was married to the guy, which turned out to be the clincher; When we pointed out that if anything happened to her, the kids would go to him, and there was nothing we could do about it - that really brought her to her senses. She immediately got the restraining order, updated her living will and was divorced in short order. Twenty years later, she now reflects back on what a great job she did raising her kids on her own (my dad and I occasionally stood in for surrogate 'father' roles).

    'Not the same argument with a live-in though, but often moms care much more about their children then themselves, and may take the right action for their sake. You'll be in my prayers.
    __________________________________
    'Clinging to my guns and religion

  6. #5
    VIP Member Array wmhawth's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Western Colorado
    Posts
    4,408
    The only disheartening part was when she said, "And who knows, maybe in the future things will work out and I can go back
    I certainly wish her the best. Unfortunately I have seen this scenario played out all too frequently. Some women just seem to gravitate toward abusive guys. The comment about going back suggests the war may indeed not be over. I do hope I'm wrong. It sounds as if she has plenty of family support and hopefully it will work out. She has my best wishes as does the family.

  7. #6
    VIP Member Array HKinNY's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    Nassau, NY(Long Island)
    Posts
    2,855
    Hope all works out for your family. I do not believe that any man should hit a woman.

    Years ago I had an employee who was abused by his wife. Nice guy but just beaten down.

  8. #7
    Senior Member Array DaRedneck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Houston
    Posts
    628
    Prayers inbound. She needs to love herself enough to realize no man that would hit her is worth it. She matters and she is worth it. There are obviously a lot of freinds/family that care and love her and it isn't fair to y'all either. If he is hitting her then he doesn't love her like a man should love a woman. Tell her to look at her kiddo too. If she loves her kiddo she won't put the child in that environment. Life is way too short and there are entirely too many fish in the sea to have to put up with an abusive jerk.
    "He who does not punish evil commands it to be done." - Leonardo da Vinci

  9. #8
    Distinguished Member
    Array cammo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    1,273
    Lima, your title to the thread is one of my favorite thoughts (more like "the goal is to win the war not the battle"). This alone shows a good attitude.

    She is so lucky to have a supportive and observant family, and a sister like you. It seems that you got this moving quickly, many people suffer from this for years.

    My other favorite saying is "this too shall pass".

    cg
    Last edited by cammo; June 14th, 2011 at 04:59 PM. Reason: sticky typing, sticky brain

  10. #9
    VIP Member Array dukalmighty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    texas
    Posts
    15,179
    You need to do a records search and find out this guys background/past,if he is known to stalk his ex's then everybody needs to be in condition orange,there are way too many stories of guys that were abusive and when the gilfriend/wife left they decided to get revenge on the family for butting into their business.My sister left her X around 20 years ago,she was so scared he would track her that she had an unregistered phone number and still does to this day IIRC.
    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
    --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

  11. #10
    Distinguished Member Array MinistrMalic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Phoenix, AZ
    Posts
    1,414
    Lima I will certainly pray for your sister. A word of advice: realize your own limits and defend your borders. Don't try to be cop and counselor; get her to each and help her trust the right people, be a shoulder to cry on and help her be strong. But don't try to right all the wrongs in her life, because that's not your area of expertise. (unless the ex needs to be shot in SD...) PM me if you need more. In my pastoral life I see this far too frequently, so my heart aches for your family.
    "...whoever has no sword is to sell his coat and buy one." (Luke 22:36)
    Christianity and Self Defense from a Biblical Perspective

  12. #11
    VIP Member Array glockman10mm's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    8,870
    He is not a man. He is a POS. My sister was caught up in the same thing, and it got me into alot of trouble for my actions. The entire family is effected. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the family.

    Hint; a thick glass pitcher, such as commonly found in bars, smashed across the head does wonders for cure to this disease.
    Ignorance is a long way from stupid, but left unchecked, can get there real fast.

  13. #12
    VIP Member Array MitchellCT's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    I don't post here anymore...Sorry
    Posts
    2,333
    Restraining orders.
    Get them.

    Don't hesitate to call the police and report him - in fact, have her talk to the cops about it and get the court process started on him. Again...makes any physical confrontation in the future break your way. After all, their is documented danger against your sister...

    Also, if she's got the ability, or you have the ability, move her as far from her abusive ex as she can get.

    I don't mean across town...I mean like Florida or some place like that. At least for a while, so the urge to just go over and make up can be as strong as it wants to be...but the distance will make it impossible.
    oneshot, TVJ and Gforty like this.

  14. #13
    Moderator
    Array gasmitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Location
    Gilbert, AZ
    Posts
    10,390
    Quote Originally Posted by glockman10mm View Post
    Hint; a thick glass pitcher, such as commonly found in bars, smashed across the head does wonders for cure to this disease.
    Closely related to "when you have them by the [orbs], their hearts and minds are sure to follow" -?

    Lima, that girl has traded one form of abuse for another. Dealing with the (recovering) stepdaughter's problems, we've learned that the attraction to abusive males has some deep roots and the long-term cure will take being around supportive friends and family, getting therapy, and ultimately feeling stronger and more positive about herself. I'm not qualified to talk about self-esteem and co-dependency and such, but those are words that probably will be heard as your sister gets the help she needs to heal.
    Smitty
    NRA Endowment Member

  15. #14
    Member Array Hoozyerdaddy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Kentucky
    Posts
    163
    Sounds like that yound woman has exactly what she need. A good family that gives a damn and will give her the support she will need. I'll pray things work out for you and yours. God bless and you and the family did the right thing getting her away from a dirtbag before she's permanently hurt or worse. Good going to you and yours.
    "Fear is nothing more than an emotional response to the perception of danger coupled with the belief that I can't handle it."
    "If you change that belief to 'I can handle it', you'll no longer experience FEAR. You'll simply see what you are facing is a challenge... an opportunity to test yourself.

  16. #15
    Senior Moderator
    Array limatunes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Iowa
    Posts
    4,246
    [QUOTE=WHEC724;1955883]It's hard to imagine anyone in the Lima family tolerating any sort of physical abuse...[/qoute]
    Some people don't know that I went through my own abusive relationship (a couple of them, in fact). In the end it took a lot more physical abuse for me to see the light but eventually I did. I told my sister last night that I hoped she found that point when enough was enough before something even more terrible happens. Thankfully I did not have children to worry about which she does which just compounds the heartbreak. Unfortunately you can't make anyone come to these conclusions.. she has she's worth better all on her own.
    'Not the same argument with a live-in though, but often moms care much more about their children then themselves, and may take the right action for their sake. You'll be in my prayers.
    This is true and thankfully her love for her child is encouraging her to be stronger. Now if she'd just love herself, too.

    Quote Originally Posted by wmhawth View Post
    The comment about going back suggests the war may indeed not be over. I do hope I'm wrong. It sounds as if she has plenty of family support and hopefully it will work out. She has my best wishes as does the family.
    Exactly. My Dad has already mentioned he is so afraid that she's going to be away from him but still calling him and text messaging him and allowing him to woo her all over again. I can DEFINITELY see that happening. Like I said, I'm very glad she's physically removing herself from the situation but her heart is still there (she admitted as much to me on the phone). She needs to leave him emotionally before I'll start to breathe easy.

    Quote Originally Posted by dukalmighty View Post
    You need to do a records search and find out this guys background/past,if he is known to stalk his ex's then everybody needs to be in condition orange,there are way too many stories of guys that were abusive and when the gilfriend/wife left they decided to get revenge on the family for butting into their business.
    We know quite a bit about him. He's been around for a couple of years and my parents are the nosy type (just ask JD..lol). He has never stalked any of his ex's but then he has never had a woman leave him. He has always been the one to leave them and so this is new territory for all of us. I'm out of the state and don't have much to worry about but I am concerned for those closer as it's been very well known and established that he is a very angry man who is obviously capable of being violent.

    Quote Originally Posted by MinistrMalic View Post
    A word of advice: realize your own limits and defend your borders. Don't try to be cop and counselor; get her to each and help her trust the right people, be a shoulder to cry on and help her be strong. But don't try to right all the wrongs in her life, because that's not your area of expertise. (unless the ex needs to be shot in SD...) PM me if you need more. In my pastoral life I see this far too frequently, so my heart aches for your family.
    Good advice and I'm way ahead of you. I don't want to be either cop or counselor. I want to be her sister. I've already contacted some women's issues counselors and asked them to send information to her. My brother-in-law is a police officer and has been doing a good job of advising her in police matters. I know my roles and my limitations and where I'm needed and, as you said, I'm not a counselor or a cop. If she wants to talk to me I'll always be here for her but I know she needs help way beyond what I can give her though I'm more than happy to help her get the help she needs.

    Quote Originally Posted by MitchellCT View Post
    Restraining orders.
    Get them.

    Don't hesitate to call the police and report him - in fact, have her talk to the cops about it and get the court process started on him. Again...makes any physical confrontation in the future break your way. After all, their is documented danger against your sister...

    Also, if she's got the ability, or you have the ability, move her as far from her abusive ex as she can get.

    I don't mean across town...I mean like Florida or some place like that. At least for a while, so the urge to just go over and make up can be as strong as it wants to be...but the distance will make it impossible.
    As stated above, I don't know about the legalities of these things. Can someone take out a restraining order on her behalf if she doesn't want it?

    To put it bluntly, she is TERRIFIED of him. He is a former police officer and kept her silent for weeks because of his talk of "knowing the system" and being buddies with the officers and knowing what to say and how to say it, etc. He also extensively talked about how he would kill her and dispose of the body, etc. Lots of scary, scary stuff. Of course it's all hearsay from me because even though I believe what my sister told me I have no evidence and there is no evidence except for the fading bruises on her arms from his man-handling her. A lot of the other physical signs of abuse have already faded.

    Now, I'm sure if he were harassing the person she were staying with they could take out a restraining order so at least he would have to stay away from the people she's going to be staying with but I doubt very seriously she will want to take a restraining order out on him for fear that she will only make him more angry and actually want to come after her.

    Believe me, I'd love to move her out of state but she can't. She's still going through her divorce from her husband and it's a very very nasty one filling with custody battles, etc. She needs the job she's hanging on to for dear life and she needs to be there for her court dates and meetings with lawyers, etc. If that weren't the case I'd be all about getting her as far away from BOTH of these guys as physically possible.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Search tags for this page

limatunes pennsylvania 2011

,

response to you may have won the battle, but not the war.

,

the qoute you may have won the battle but not the war

,

the quote you may have won the battle but not the war

,

we've won the battle, but not the war quote

,

who said we.ve won the battle, but nit war

,

who said won the battle but not the war

,

who said you may have won the battle but not the war

,

won+the+battle+but+not+the war

Click on a term to search for related topics.