My Mom Passed Away last week - Suicide

[10thmtn]

I've mentioned that I've dealt with mental illness in my family - that was my mom, who battled Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for decades. She was a typical horder - off her meds, she would fill her home with garbage.

Last week, she went to the roof of her 3-story building (owned by her sister and husband) and jumped off. She had her name written on a piece of paper, and her sister's phone number, taped to her clothes. She left a simple note on the inside of her apartment door, stating that she had killed herself.

She had survived breast cancer about two years ago, but was convinced that her psych meds would interact with her chemo (despite assurances from her doc that was not the case) and stopped her psych meds. She lied to the family, and said the doc had stopped them. In hindsight, I suppose I should have checked with her doc, but she was stubborn and wouldn't have taken the meds anyway. And the way the law is, you cannot force treatment unless the patient is an imminent threat to themselves or others.

She had been depressed lately, and had lost a lot of weight due to loss of appetite. One of the reasons was because I told her that I could not have her around the kids in her non-medicated state. I hadn't seen her since the New Year, though I had spoken to her on the phone a few times only a few days before she jumped. Her sister told her she needed to go back to see her psychiatrist and get back on her meds, as did I. She jumped the day before she was supposed to go - seems she just didn't want to go back.

I feel angry that she did this to herself, that she caused everyone so much pain, and that she robbed my kids' ablity to get to know her. Then I feel guilty for being angry. And even though the person that was my mother really died a long time ago when her brain was overtaken by the disease, I still feel sad. A big emotional stew right now.

Growing up with her was tough. You're supposed to love your mom, but I don't know if I really did. I know you cannot hold someone accountable for their actions when they are mentally ill, but some of the blame goes to her stubbornness. It's hard to separate one from the other. And at times, she could be downright mean and even violent.

It's going to take some time to sort this all out. In the meanwhile, my kids and work will be a welcome distraction. When all the paperwork clears, I will be taking her "home" to be buried with her father in Italy.

I guess one of the lessons learned here is one that I came to realize after much hearthache with her...you cannot help those who are unwilling to help themselves. Still doesn't make it any easier, though...

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[charski]

I am so sorry for your loss, no matter how bad it gets, you can't help but miss parents when they pass. Safe passage to Italy.

[boricua]

Sorry to hear that and my condolences to you and your family. I can only imagine the troubles that she had to deal with due to her mental illness, on top of all other normal life problems. She is in better hands now and totally free.

[glockman10mm]

What to say.? I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this confusing and very sad time in your life. It is difficult at best just to get along with some family who are "normal", so hellish would probably describe what you have endured.

You must not succumb or give place to the feelings of guilt and anger, they are natural emotional processes that we go through.
But take from it the things that have made you the father you have been to your children.
Words of any type, are so insufficient in these times. But know that you are being thought of by all here. If you need to vent or talk, we are here.

[Hopyard]

First sincere sorrow for your loss and the particularly unfortunate circumstances under which it happened.

Reading between the lines of your story, I have to wonder if there might not have been a dimension to your mom's situation which could account for her actions, and which could lessen both your anger your sense of guilt.

Is it possible that your mom's weight loss was due to her cancer rather than to her emotional problems? Might she have been appropriately depressed over some bad news regarding her cancer, rather than emotional illness?

I have no idea how physically ill your mom was, but it is certainly possible that she made a rational decision--- maybe one others wouldn't choose, but one which was right for her.

I had a BIL I cared about like a real brother. As his cancer progressed he determined that he would not subject himself to a losing battle with palliative chemotherapy. Perhaps, that was your mom's calculus. In which case,
she showed herself to be a strong person with an iron will to realistically face her departure on her own terms.

Again, deeply sorry about it, and I hope you can find peace.

[limatunes]

Very sorry for your loss.

[gasmitty]

It takes time to deal with the loss of a parent for any reason, much less the sad reasons you're confronted with. So sorry for your loss, and I trust that time and God's help will help you resolve things in your mind.

[10thmtn]

Thanks all. Yes, writing this out and "venting" does seem to help a little.

My mom did beat the cancer, but lost her hair in the process, and it did not grow back properly. Rather than being happy to still be alive, she accused her doctors of "butchering" her. Her doc had the patience of a saint to treat her. Still, she had always had long hair, so this was one more thing that got her depressed.

Of course, I'm stone bald - but I guess it's different for us guys.

I really appreciate the comments - lots of great people here.

[cammo]

10th,
I've also had experience with suicide in my family. It left us with questions and sort of a feeling that this was an "in your face" action by the suicidee.

The loss of a parent is hard to contemplate no matter the cause. Sounds like you are working through it. Reasoning through it is practically impossible. Acceptance of the ultimate choice. Most people won't make that choice, in a sense I have to admire those that can (this sounds crazy and somewhat inappropriate, but it does strike me that way). Getting a note is a gift.

cg

[Skeeter64]

I am really sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers.

[HKinNY]

10th Please reach out to AFSP: Understanding and Preventing Suicide Through Research, Education and Advocacy My wifes best friend and cousin both commited suicide. Time will make it easier. Wishing you the best.

[10thmtn]

10th,
I've also had experience with suicide in my family. It left us with questions and sort of a feeling that this was an "in your face" action by the suicidee.

The loss of a parent is hard to contemplate no matter the cause. Sounds like you are working through it. Reasoning through it is practically impossible. Acceptance of the ultimate choice. Most people won't make that choice, in a sense I have to admire those that can (this sounds crazy and somewhat inappropriate, but it does strike me that way). Getting a note is a gift.

cg

Sorry to hear about your loss as well.

It did occur to me that this could have been an "in your face" act on her part - "NO I'm not going back on my meds, so there." Knowing her, it is entirely possible. Of course, there is no way to really know - all her note said was that she had killed herself, not why. Was she - angry? defiant? sad? depressed? hopeless? scared? all of the above? So many unanswered questions.

I never would have guessed that she would have had the courage to do this. But...when she was determined to do something, hell and earth would not stop her.

The fact that suicide is against her Catholic faith made this all the more shocking.

[Hiram25]

Prayers for you and your Mom! There are many answers that we do not have in this life, I personally believe that we will get them at a later time.

[retsupt99]

I am very sorry for your loss, and your family is added to my DC list.

[OD*]

Very sorry for your loss.













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