Just need to vent or get advice, relationship and custody problems.

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    Member Array Foo909's Avatar
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    Just need to vent or get advice, relationship and custody problems.

    Well since DC is really the only forum I frequent anymore because of the great people here and all the intelligent responses, I just need to vent or get some advice from other people that have been in this situation. Be forewarned I am just emotionally destroyed at this point and it may get a little sappy and may bore you in length. I don't really know what to do.

    I guess some back story is needed before the meat and the potatoes. We started dating about 5 years ago, and had several issues but just attributed it to us being young and stubborn. I was 22 at the time and she was 20. So we strive through the stupid stuff, we pretty much lived together more or less since we had started dating...she was living at a girlfriends house and I would just stay up there when I wasn't working or at my parents. She got an apartment and it was the same way for a little bit until I bought a small home in a nice area and we both lived there happily.

    A short time later we got pregnant, and no it wasn't an accident. I know it's not traditional but its what both of us wished for, she ended up having a miscarriage and that was a horrible time in our lives. We go on and are blessed with another pregnancy down the road a little ways. I do the proper thing and propose. Soon after I get an amazing career opportunity that is very hard to come by in this area...the pay is outstanding but the life style is very hard and divorce rates are very much higher than normal. On call 24/7 6 days a week.

    We are then blessed with a little boy. Possibly the happiest time of my life yet. He is perfect and everything I could have ever wished for. (Currently about 2.5 years old). The toll of being a new mom and me working a crazy schedule takes a horrible toll on our relationship in a quick way. We get into an argument, she calls the police. Moves to her moms, with child, and takes everything that isn't 100% mine with her, and I mean everything.

    She files an EPO on me which later turns into a 3-Month DVO after she lied in court. There was no domestic violence, or assault charges etc. She refused to let me see our child and by law I could not contact her or be within some distance of where she was living. She then realizes she screwed up and made a mistake...and got the DVO dismissed after less than a month. We sign a custody agreement but where he is under a year old at this time the guidelines are she is the custodial parent and I get visitations. During this time I did not see my child for 2-3 months.

    She apologizes, told me this is biggest mistake she has ever made in her life, her mom pays her lawyer bill after threatening to 'cut her off' when she came back here. She moves back in and everything has been semi-normal for the past 2 years or so. Fast forward to this past November....I am laid off from my great position at work with no ETA expected back. I sell all my guns, literally all, everything I don't need to pay bills and support us. She is in nursing school and only works 4 days a month. I take a temporary position and work 146 hours in two weeks, all night shift, to try and support us.

    We get in several arguments the last two weeks about just whatever. On Wednesday of this week I was off work and stayed up all night so I could spend time with our child and do some stuff around the house, I was exhausted in the morning and I go downstairs to fix a leaking pipe and she wanted to continue an argument about my mom watching our child (which her and my mom have never gotten along). I tell her to go away I'm done talking about it, and yelled and said several things I shouldn't have. I come upstairs about 10 minutes later to talk and she is gone, our child is gone, her stuff for school and his comfort items are gone. Her car is still in the driveway. (later turns out it had a dead battery so she had her mom pick her up)

    I call her phone, text, nothing. her mother who really doesn't like me because of the whole child before marriage not finishing school first stuff texts me and says they just went out to lunch. Ok cool...whatever. So I call later still nothing. It gets to be 9pm and I just go over to her moms house and knock on the door. She says she has nothing to say to me, I hug and kiss our child and walk away.

    It's now Saturday and I have still had no communication from her what-so-ever. I have called more times than I can count, texted, said im sorry, tried to tell her how much I miss them and want to work this out for our family, asked her to see our son, asked her to come over to talk, sent flowers etc. and still not one text or call, or showing up at the door. Nothing, like they were killed instantaneously in a car wreck and removed from my life . I also haven't seen our child since Wednesday as my fiances mother told me to get off her property and not come back. And now I am just stuck in a miserable state of not knowing what to do...I have cried my heart out, quit my temporary job so that isn't even an issue also because I am such a wreck I can't operate in the normal world at this point, I haven't eaten more than 200 calories probably, and I sit on the couch alone and cry until I finally fall asleep then wake up in three to four hours and realize there is still no one in our home but me. I am a complete disaster and have no desire to even breath at this point.

    I am a stand up guy, I pay the mortgage, vehicles, and literally all the bills but food. I don't drink, or smoke, and I don't run around on her or hit her. I am loving and devoted father to our son. She is stubborn as well as I am and she pushes me until I explode verbally sometimes. I didn't throw or break anything, I wasn't even on the same floor as her when all this happened.

    We were raised two different ways, her parents split, she had a maid etc. I have worked my whole life to get anything I wanted and all she has had to do is ask for it etc.

    I'm just at a complete loss of what to do, I don't want to inflame the situation by taking it to a lawyer but I do have rights to see our child. I want to act like an adult and fix the situation but that is hard to do when I can't get any response. Not to mention her mother/father will purchase her a home or vehicle in the drop of a hat so I'm not considered 'necessary'. They say they don't want to keep my son away from me but just need time to get some things setup (meaning-vehicle-house-lawyer I assume). Anytime things get hard they enable her by telling her she has a place to stay and whatever she needs/wants at her moms.

    I do love her, I don't know if I am in love with her though after everything that has happened. I'm willing to forgive and forget so our son has a complete family in one home...but sadly I don't believe she is at this point. Her Facebook (I don't have one and she leaves hers logged in here) says we are still engaged and nothing negative has been posted .

    Thank you to anyone who took the time to read through whats been going on in my life, it helps me to vent because I really have very few people to talk to...I can only whine to my mom or brother so much. I've pretty much sacrificed everything but 3-4 friends and family members for my family and career. I'd appreciate any words of wisdom or support because it honestly feel like the only things I really care about in life have just disappeared.

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  3. #2
    VIP Member Array suntzu's Avatar
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    All I can say is good luck.
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    Distinguished Member Array lionround's Avatar
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    Foo, I am a 58 yo male so I have to come at it from my perspective. First off I think you need anger management. If you can't walk away from an argument without yelling, you need help. I know after the ammo thing in Florida, I am going to catch h*11 for this, but ... She could use it too. If you intend to stay together, you need couples counseling. You need an unbiased person to sit down with the two of you and try to work out your problems. If you have a pastor or church you go to, that would be a good place to start.

    If it doesn't look like this is going to work out, you have to remember that, at least from what you posted, you are a good person who is willing to work for what he wants. Bite the bullet and get out of this relationship. Get a job and get back to work. That will take your mind off things and give you a new group of friends. Don't even look at the women there. That's not why you are there.

    I have to run, but will be glad to talk to you further later. PM me if you like.
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    VIP Member Array xXxplosive's Avatar
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    Well, I read it......
    It's very hard when there are children involved.....you sound like your a young fella with a whole life ahead of you....sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done...without going into detail, I've stayed married for 31 yrs because of my 3 boys....my last two are moving out on their own next week, they're terriffic young men and I will really miss'em. Having said that, i feel like moving out with them......
    Do your self a favor and man up to the fact, if you ever want happiness in your life and a good person to share it.....move on now...it will only get better for you in the long haul.

    The scenario you present is Not a good one........IMO.

  6. #5
    Distinguished Member Array Hoganbeg's Avatar
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    Since you asked for advice, here is mine, for whatever it is worth.

    First, you are indulging yourself in your pain and misery, and it is doing nothing to help you. Take positive action. That may mean legal action to protect your rights. A first step here may mean nothing more than having an attorney write a letter to the other parties demanding your rights be accommodated. It need not necessarily go any further than that as it puts the other parties on notice that you are serious about things. It also puts the ball in their court.

    She has shown you twice that you are not a priority in her life. It sounds like you both need to have a heart-to-heart about what you want to do to resolve the situation. Toward that end, it sounds like you both could use some counseling on how to manage a relationship.You also need to learn to not say things you don't mean, or for the purpose of being hurtful. Not that you did that, I'm just saying it's a prerequisite for meaningful discussion. There are actual techniques involved. Without knowing and using those techniques you are both just "winging it" and emotions tend to rule.

    You both have an obligation to the child. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay together but at some point you have to realistically assess the situation and make a decision. That means either you both commit to the relationship, including marriage, or commit to ending it. It's not an easy choice (or path) either way.

    Mommy and Daddy need to butt out. They say they "don't want to keep your child from you" but that is what they are doing. They are attempting to manipulate you both, perhaps for your own good, but they are muddying the waters in the process and it can't tun out well.

    Know that you are not the first to have traveled these paths. It can be done and even result in greater happiness, but you have to take control, work hard, and be smart.

    Good luck.
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    I'm 64 and I've done it all. I don't want to hurt anyone's feeling with this response, but it sounds like there are some serious maturity problems on both side of the fence. If you have a minister, a priest or any unbiased 3rd party, you and her need to sit and talk in a neutral environment. You have to keep the wellfare of your child as a priority in EVERYTHING you do. Good luck

    ...and stop feeling sorry for yourself, it won't help
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    I agree with the last two responses. Maybe you feel you have a tiger by the tail? Focus on the child and on the good things in the past in your relationship; and live and let live (relying on an attorney for open channels and whatever other professional help may be of interest). You may want to be careful especially about accusations from others that may stick with you unfairly and respond with equal legal force.
    Foo909 likes this.
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    Distinguished Member Array Exacto's Avatar
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    Iv'e been there, and things do get better. Give it time, be a good father to your children as best you can in this situation. They are the ones who really get hurt in these disputes. If you two decide you can't get along, at least agree to make it as easy for them as you can. They have one father and one mother, you need to agree be civil for their sakes and cooperate with one another when it comes to the kids. Life can be tough at times, we all see trouble ,but it will pass. The worst of storms can't last forever, the sun will come out again. Good luck, be strong.
    Foo909 likes this.
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    The most important part of this dilemma is your son. He needs a mom and a dad. You need to do whatever it takes to be the dad he needs. Ideally, the two of you together in harmony. If not that, then the two of you together getting by for his sake. Once the two of you have a child your feelings become secondary to his needs.

    You need to go to her, and do whatever it takes. If you love her you will be doing this already. You need to find a pastor (not a shrink) to help you. A successful marriage will happen when you become the husband God wants you to be. The Bible says that husbands are to "love their wives as Christ loved the church". He loved the church, His bride, enough to die for her. Your interests, desires, hurts, frustrations must take a back seat to her. She will make her own decisions, but most wives will follow the leadership of a man who lives with her in understanding without anger and harsh words, leading by his service to her.
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    Talk to an attorney about what legal actions you need to take ASAP regarding your parental rights. As for relationship advice, I say move on. It seems like a pattern of behavior on both sides. And let me tell you patterns of behavior do NOT get easier to change as years pass. They just become more deeply rooted. You can't change another person, their thoughts, actions, or behaviors. The only person you can truly change is yourself. How you react, how you let it affect you, and how you choose to move forward.
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    Member Array Aiko's Avatar
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    i'm sorry, you are heartborken and that is real pain for sure. All i can say is you are a father first-you first responsibility is to your child. Give some time with your girl-time tends to heal though it does not feel like it now. if she continues to stop you from seeing your child-you need to get a family lawyer. best of luck man.
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    You come across as a stand up guy who wants to do the right thing and has had only good intentions.

    Order of business:

    1) Take care of yourself; eat, somehow sleep. Nothing else can get fixed or settled if you become
    physically or mentally ill. If need be, go to a pharmacy and buy some cans of "Ensure" (Ensure®) and force yourself to drink the dang stuff. At least you'll get the calories and nutrients you need.

    2) Someone else already mentioned this: GO BACK TO WORK. Anything. Any work. Many hours.
    It will get your mind off the problems and keep new financial problems from thwacking you down more. Should anything ever get to a courtroom it will help make you look responsible.

    3) She'll come back probably, or not. You can't control that. If she comes back you probably need to
    seriously consider not accepting her back (legal help may be useful here). There's a pattern of behavior
    going on and it will continue. It won't get better.

    4) She has already shown you that she will lie like heck to a judge. Stay away from her, and if she
    wants to come to you don't allow it without a third party present: lawyer, minister, social worker. Have
    someone else present if you do visit with your child. You never know what someone like that is capable
    of claiming you did to the child.

    5) Read "The Little Black Book of Violence." The title may seem entirely inappropriate to you because
    you aren't being violent and don't plan to, and she is not being physically violent. Well, ah, wrong.
    She is being violent in a certain sense and you need to recognize the pattern of behavior for what it is.
    It is violence against you when she lies to a judge (if that is what occurred). It is violence against
    you when she takes the kid and keeps you from him. It is violence against you when she
    doesn't appreciate the many hours of hard work you have engaged in to support yourself, her, and your child,
    and has selfishly taken your hard work as an excuse to bash you. Yuck.

    Violence comes in many forms, not all physical, but there are always behavioral patterns and personality quirks that are recognizable and present in violent people. Her violence toward you won't get better IMO; behavior is very hard to change even with lots of professional help.

    6) I think xXxplosive told you what you need to do in post 4.

    DISCLAIMER-- I'm not a lawyer, psychologist, social worker, and I don't know the whole story from both sides.
    I do however wish you a good outcome and a happy life going forward.
    archer51, oneshot, Foo909 and 4 others like this.
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    Member Array KoolBreeze's Avatar
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    I went through a divorce about 15 years ago. She and I had 2 small children at the time and they are now grown. First thing you need to do is find a good attorney and get visitation with your son established. Do not allow her to prevent you from seeing him.

    As far as your relationship with her goes, I can tell you from experience that if the two of you can not get along, then it's best for everyone, including your son, to just move on. My parents divorced when I was 3 and I vowed it would never happen to me and my kids. For that reason, I stayed in my first marriage waaaay longer than I should have. I'm talking years of a living hell. There is nothing better than a good marriage (I now have one, so I know) and there is nothing worse than a bad one.

    If you do decide to go your separate ways. Do NOT take anything, and I mean anything, for granted when working out agreements between the two of you. Get every detail in writing the first time or else you'll get very friendly with the court clerks from times your back in court.
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    VIP Member Array Kennydale's Avatar
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    My bride and i have been married 41 years 3 kids numerous grand kids. Between my wife and I there are no divorce or separations in either of our families. I can offer you this... You sometimes grow out of love and divorce a spouse, but you can never divorce a child. Always be a Dad.
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  16. #15
    VIP Member Array farronwolf's Avatar
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    Go back to work. If you aren't working and can't provide for your child and have a place for him to stay when he comes and visits you, you won't get more than several hours of visitation at a time.

    If you aren't working you won't have money for an attorney when that times comes. And yes, it will get your mind focused on something besides how lonely you are.

    Yes, you need to eat and sleep, somehow. Take some melatonin or something to help with that. Get out and get some sunshine, exercise.

    You have to pick yourself up and get motivated to make things better. If you simply mope around, you do yourself no good.

    Good luck.
    Foo909 likes this.
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