I need some serious advice on possible adoption please!

This is a discussion on I need some serious advice on possible adoption please! within the Bob & Terry's Place forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Ok, a little bit of background. Mr. Bunny is a comic book artist, and the whole comics community tends to rally very strongly around their ...

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 18

Thread: I need some serious advice on possible adoption please!

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array Bunny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    North Carolina - LKN
    Posts
    1,384

    I need some serious advice on possible adoption please!

    Ok, a little bit of background. Mr. Bunny is a comic book artist, and the whole comics community tends to rally very strongly around their own when one is in crisis. We have only Bunny Jr, who is 10, and I doubt I will ever bear another child again. We've had the adoption discussion, but Mr. Bunny has been against it, saying he isn't sure he could love a baby that isn't his own. I don't fault him for that, I applaud his honesty. But I wouldn't bring an infant into a situation like that.

    And then we get some IMs from one of Mr. Bunny's writer friends on Wednesday.

    So, this is the story as I heard it this week: There is a comic book artist in the community. He was big in the 1980's, but not so much anymore, and he's having a hard time making ends meet. And he's dying. I don't know that he has much longer to live, but I know that he has a 5 year old son named Leo. Leo's mom was a drug addict who OD, and now his dad is dying an unable to afford even the barest essential groceries to feed his son. There is NO other family, and no one to take in Leo. When his father passes, he will be all alone and, I assume, go into the "system."

    The main goal for the dad now is to find a home for his boy.

    Mr. Bunny tells me all of this and then says how we have an extra bedroom...

    It's true, we do. We own our own house, and Mr. Bunny makes a decent enough living that we have healthcare and groceries, and live in a decent school district. And our healthcare covers psychiatric counseling, which I'm sure Leo would need, having his drug addict mom die and now watching his father die.

    The boy is 5, he's obviously going to have issues, but it's not like he's 17 and a psycho.

    So I'm wondering if we should offer to at least meet the kid, or if we should ignore it all. It would be a HUGE shake up in the family, but maybe it would be worth it?

    Then we got an email from someone who DID adopt, but an infant, and they said that they had to give the child up because she would come at them with knives and start fires, and it was because she was born addicted to drugs. I don't know much about Leo, but it's a possibility he was also born with drugs in his system. But that's not a guarantee, is it?
    Don't frisk me, I am the weapon.


    Sig Sauer P239 DAK (9mm)
    NRA Member & Pistol Instructor

    www.vanguardnc.com

  2. Remove Ads

  3. #2
    Distinguished Member Array Agave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    West Tennessee
    Posts
    1,464
    Adoption is a noble idea. You can't make your decision based on what the child might be like. If you adopt the boy, you are taking him and who he is. You have to be ready also to make him a "Bunny," not an outsider who just happens to live with you.
    The preceding post may contain sarcasm; it's just better that way. However, it is still intended with construction and with the Love of my L-rd Y'shua.

    NRA Certified Pistol Instructor, Tennessee Certified Instructor

  4. #3
    VIP Member Array rottkeeper's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Upstate New York
    Posts
    3,194
    My cousin and his girlfriend were both coke heads and had a son while they were both users. Throughout his childhood he was in trouble for shooting a BB gun at kids and starting his neighbors porch on fire to name a couple of things.
    He has and it seems always will be trouble for something. I have often thought I am going to get a call saying he killed someone, he had done some practice on animals when younger.
    I am no expert on child psychology but have seen it in my cousins boy and worked with juvenile delinquents for the state.
    Unless you are prepared for the worst case scenario you may be overwhelmed physically and emotionally. It could cause marriage trouble and trouble with your own son. My cousins sister tried to raise his son for a few years and he made a LOT of family trouble and took pleasure from it.
    Please do not take this post as me trying to talk you out of giving a child a home, just food for thought.

    Good luck
    For as the lightning comes from the east and flashes to the west, so also will the coming of the son of man be. Mathew 24:27

    NRA Member

  5. #4
    VIP Member Array Patti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    The Show Me State
    Posts
    2,641
    Pray about it Bunny. God will direct you to do the right thing.

    Talk to your pastor about it.

    Ask the kid's father about the drug addiction problem....if the boy has shown any signs of behavior problems.
    Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy. Winston Churchill

  6. #5
    VIP Member Array varob's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    4,447
    Bunny, what you and your family are considering is admirable. Unconditional love and stability can go a long way in a young child's life.
    Don't believe what you hear and only half of what you see!
    -Tony Soprano

  7. #6
    Distinguished Member Array tinkerinWstuff's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Colorado Front Range
    Posts
    1,263
    Bad kids can happen to good people.... BUT, it seems to me (strictly as an observation) that people make excuses for kids with troubled pasts. They pamper, baby, and coddle them instead of treating them like normal kids.

    Then in the end you end up with kids with no discipline who come at you with knives and start fires.

    Good luck on your search for info but I'd recommend speaking with a counselor who deals with this stuff on a daily basis to seek their professional advice and experiance on a serious matter like this.
    "Run for your life from the man who tells you that money is evil. That sentence is the leper's bell of an approaching looter. So long as men live together on earth and need means to deal with one another-their only substitute, if they abandon money, is the muzzle of a gun."

    Who is John Galt?

  8. #7
    VIP Member
    Array GunnyBunny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Victoria, B.C.
    Posts
    3,911
    +1 on what Patti said.

    As far as whether or not Mr. B can love a child that's not his own.... Well, he loved Grady didn't he?
    CCW permit holder for Idaho, Utah, Pennsylvania, Maine and New Hampshire. I can carry in your country but not my own.

  9. #8
    Distinguished Member Array nutz4utwo's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    yes
    Posts
    1,644
    I personally don't buy the "bad genes" or "mom on drugs in womb" arguments on adopted kids. My experience has shown that kids are just kids until they learn something different. At 5, he is still a child and will look to people around him as to how to act (both other kids and adults). Assuming you put him in a good environment (nice family and school) he should be just fine.

    I have several friends who were adopted and are fine people.

    My mom has been a teacher for 30 years and the adopted kids with issues have usually been floating around the system for a while before becoming settled. It would be tough on anyone.

    Adopting is a serious commitment of time, energy, and money (I am sure you know that). Before you get too serious, your family (including Bunny Jr) should meet the boy and his dad. If you do get serious, you probably need an agency and lawyer.

    just throwing out a few ideas...

    You all are good people for even considering it. :)

  10. #9
    Member Array yankeeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Gilbert, AZ
    Posts
    211
    Pm sent!

  11. #10
    Moderator
    Array RETSUPT99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Central Florida
    Posts
    44,504
    You're asking a 'heavy' question that is strictly a 'YOU' have to decide issue.
    I've known many people who have successfully adopted and the love relationship (both ways) is something that has to grow and can be as strong as any other relationship.
    I've also know people who have adopted and things turned out to be a disaster.

    Tough call...I know that the Mrs. and I couldn't do it...are you prepared for whatever happens?

    I wish you well in whatever your decision, but think long and hard on this one.
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

    ***********************************
    Certified Glock Armorer
    NRA Life Member[/B]

  12. #11
    Distinguished Member
    Array redrick's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Virginia
    Posts
    1,843
    Make a appointment an talk to the boys doctor and teacher.

  13. #12
    Distinguished Member Array Bunny's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    North Carolina - LKN
    Posts
    1,384
    I'm waiting on further info. We don't know where he lives yet, or how long his father has left to live.

    As far as the space for him, and providing things like food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, counseling, etc., I think we have that down pat. It's the other stuff I worry about.

    I think I could handle a kid that was sad, or emotionally needy. We provide a lot of love and a lot of structure and discipline. I know that's what every child needs. I have a few friends who were adopted, and they turned out just fine. And I have a friend who adopted 3 kids. All 3 born addicted, two from the Ukraine and 1 from the US. The ones from the Ukraine were NEVER held...until they were 7 years old and she adopted them. The boy ended up as a teen, hearing voices telling him to kill his family, and had to be institutionalized. The girl, no blood relation to the boy, is the sweetest little thing you can imagine, and it seems like she doesn't have any psych issues. I saw my friend agonize over her son minute by minute. Every week, it seemed there were new doctors, new meds, new shrinks, new behavioral therapies, and in the end, it still didn't help. I'm not as strong as her, I don't know that I could do it.

    But I don't know. I mean, I guess you never know until you're in it, right? Obviously it wouldn't be a whim. You adopt a dog from the shelter, you make a 10-15 year commitment. Not that I'm comparing the boy to a stray dog, I just mean that I understand that adopting a PERSON is a lifelong commitment. I can't just bring him back to the orphanage and say "well he's just not what we expected." If we make that commitment, we stick it out for the rest of our lives. I don't want it to take a toll on my marriage/family/son when it all comes down to it.

    I mean, I'm pretty sure that initially, there will be quite an adjustment period. But eventually, things should even out, right? I would intend to treat any child who lives in my home and under my protection as if they were my own flesh and blood. It's cruel to take someone in and treat them as if they were an outsider. I've been through that in my own childhood, which is why I think this is so important to me to NOT let this kid go through the system, if we can help it.

    Thanks for all the views and suggestions. I like the idea of talking to his doctor and teacher. If he's only 5, he may not have had school yet. But it's a great idea.

    Will keep you posted as soon as I know more. Thanks, guys.
    Don't frisk me, I am the weapon.


    Sig Sauer P239 DAK (9mm)
    NRA Member & Pistol Instructor

    www.vanguardnc.com

  14. #13
    VIP Member Array Stevew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Mississippi
    Posts
    3,376
    I work with at risk youth. I would like to recommend a book. The "Resilience Revolution" by Larry Brendtro and Scott Larson.
    Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around laws. Plato

  15. #14
    VIP Member Array Patti's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    The Show Me State
    Posts
    2,641
    Quote Originally Posted by nutz4utwo View Post
    I personally don't buy the "bad genes" or "mom on drugs in womb" arguments on adopted kids. My experience has shown that kids are just kids until they learn something different. At 5, he is still a child and will look to people around him as to how to act (both other kids and adults). Assuming you put him in a good environment (nice family and school) he should be just fine.

    I have several friends who were adopted and are fine people.

    My mom has been a teacher for 30 years and the adopted kids with issues have usually been floating around the system for a while before becoming settled. It would be tough on anyone.

    Adopting is a serious commitment of time, energy, and money (I am sure you know that). Before you get too serious, your family (including Bunny Jr) should meet the boy and his dad. If you do get serious, you probably need an agency and lawyer.

    just throwing out a few ideas...

    You all are good people for even considering it. :)
    I agree with part of what you posted. Bunny and her husband are very good people for considering adoption of the boy.

    However, due to the fact that the mother was a drug addict, there could be very serioius ramifications if she was abusing drugs and/or alcohol while pregnant.

    Children of addicted parents have a high rate of behavior problems.

    One study comparing children of alcoholics (aged 6-1 7 years) with children of psychiatrically healthy medical patients found that children of alcoholics had elevated rates of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) measured against the control group of children.26

    Research on behavioral problems demonstrated by children of alcoholics has revealed some of the following traits: lack of empathy for other persons; decreased social adequacy and interpersonal adaptability; low self-esteem; and lack of control over the environment.27


    Research has shown that children of addicted parents demonstrate behavioral characteristics and a temperament style that predispose them to future maladjustment.28
    CHILDREN OF ADDICTED PARENTS

    I have 2 cousins that have adopted seriously abused children. One little girl was raped by her mama's boyfriend when she was TWO YEARS OLD. She had to have reconstructive surgery and will never be able to have children. She is a very precious little girl. Her half brother (5yrs. old) had cigarette burns all over his body. Apparently mama's boyfriend would burn him if he wet his pants or when he cried.

    These kids have adjusted quite well since my cousin adopted them....but it's been a long, hard road.
    Socialism is the philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance and the gospel of envy. Winston Churchill

  16. #15
    VIP Member Array automatic slim's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    The western edge of The Confederacy
    Posts
    2,198
    Bunny, you can take him in and provide for him without legally adopting him. You can treat him like a family member but still be able to give him up if necessary, like if there actually are other family members or you have a change of heart. There are many foster families who simply care for others without formally adopting them.
    "First gallant South Carolina nobly made the stand."
    Edge of Darkness

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Similar Threads

  1. advice please ...
    By Yeti in forum Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: July 6th, 2010, 01:59 PM
  2. Need Some Advice
    By Trophyhunter in forum Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions
    Replies: 24
    Last Post: March 8th, 2010, 10:06 AM
  3. New and Looking for Advice
    By JCook5003 in forum Defensive Carry Guns
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: September 19th, 2007, 12:09 AM
  4. Need advice...
    By justin10985 in forum Defensive Carry Guns
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: July 14th, 2007, 10:03 PM