Having a hard time dealing
This is a discussion on Having a hard time dealing within the Bob & Terry's Place forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I just got my third friend request on facebook from the Dad of a buddy who was KIA. Not the third time for one person, ...
December 5th, 2009 10:44 PM
Having a hard time dealing
I just got my third friend request on facebook from the Dad of a buddy who was KIA. Not the third time for one person, but the third request from a Father of three different buddies who were KIA. It's weird, I 've lost some good buddies, even one that I grew up with, played T-Ball with, went fishing with as a kid, and then served together with. For some reason, the message I got tonight (not unlike the rest, just wanting stories, and to know who their son was), really upset me. A lot of feelings I am unable to deal with came out. The problem is, there isn't any place in my life to deal with this crap right now. Have any of you guys had this type thing happen? How did you deal with it? I'm really sucking right now.
Last edited by ScubaDuba; December 5th, 2009 at 10:45 PM.
December 5th, 2009 10:53 PM
There is no easy way to deal with the death of a friend or family member, whether from old age, illness, accident or in the service.
There are churches, military counselors, veterans organizations. Best to stay away from the bars, better to talk about the good times and everybody help each other.
Be careful, "accidents" happen to people who survive because they are not fully on point while driving, working, even taking a bath.
Can't say exactly what you should do, but personally, talking and even laughter is better medicine than medicine and way better than trancs, alcohol or drugs of any sort.
The People Think the Constitution Protects Their Rights;
Government See IT as an Obstacle to be Over-come.
December 5th, 2009 10:54 PM
Wanna email me? We can talk a bit in a more private setting, or if you prefer we can do it right here, out loud. You may want a variety of counsel. No pressure. Only if you want to.
"I believe that's my stapler."
December 5th, 2009 11:10 PM
Never easy! I always thought the best way to deal with lost buddies was to simply ignore everything and stay busy. It worked well for me or so I thought. After 3 tours I always found away to get out of memorial ceremonies and such becase I knew they would be a kick in the balls.
Not long ago I lost another friend after we returned from Iraq due to a bad accident/drugs/alcohol. Some counselor and the Chaplain had the bright idea to put together a scrap book for the family and our platoon had to sit in a blasted conference room and everyone had to share stories etc. I was 10 different ways from mad and didn't really talk. Later in the day I told someone a story about our friend and we talked it actually helped alot.
So what I am trying to say is we think it is easier to ignore things and stay busy to keep the mind from wandering but I found out it can help to talk a little it hurts like crap but try it.
As far as the family goes they are trying to deal with your friends death in the same way maybe it will help them.
By all means use the Army's ( I assume) or your services help to talk to someone before you get worse.
I am old and have seen alot of crap in my life and 6 mos ago I would not have written this so give it a shot and talk to friends, leader or a counselor or even your friends family like I said it hurts but it will help.
I hope you find peace
December 5th, 2009 11:12 PM
BTW Jim is right please by all means stay away from drugs and alcohol I have lost to many Soldiers and friends because this is the way they subconsciously dealt with stuff to get numb or stay busy
December 5th, 2009 11:23 PM
Ask around for a pastor who is a veteran. There are many. And that would be free.
Or, look in the yellow pages for therapist.
Many employers have Employee Assistance options for counseling.
Call a local church that has a counselor.
As hard as it may be, TALK to somebody with some training.
It won't be forever. But, it WILL help.
When we don't deal with this stuff, it will come out...in drinking, or rage, or depression, or whatever.
The good news is that it doesn't have to be that way.
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliott
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
December 5th, 2009 11:47 PM
The guys are right on about talking about it. I'm so glad we have a forum with knowledgeable and experienced members.
I was there in Desert Storm with a company sort of like the one on that TV show called "Generation Kill", except mine was a little darker, if you know what I mean. We lost men on that tour. It's close to 20 years now, and sometimes it still hurts, some times more than others.
It was near impossible for me to talk about it when I got back. Along with the grief I was dealing with, I was angry too. Again, the guys are right about steering clear of booze and drugs. At first, that's how I tried to deal with the feelings. All that did was make me feel guilty about the 3 years I had waisted doing that. My wife was the only thing/person I had going for me, the only one who accepted me, no matter how I felt or what I did. She was an angel. Still is.
The anger eventually turned into severe depression, and I became suicidal. Not a proud moment in my life. But me writing this email is proof that I came through it, and I'm a lot better now. Not completely better, but I can function in daily life, and even get a little joy out of it.
It will be really hard to talk about the memories, and it won't be solved just by one talk. You'll have to do some tough slogging, but hey, you've been through basic. You can do this. If you can't find someone to talk to, you can post us, and we'll be there for you. You can even call me if you want. Just ask for my number. Hope you don't mind the long distance charge!
Be blessed, my brother. This too shall pass.
"I believe that's my stapler."
December 6th, 2009 12:10 AM
I've never been in the military or known anyone who was KIA, but earlier this year I heard the news that an old pal of mine had died in a bad way. It sunk in after a few days and hurt more than I thought it would. Emotional pain snuck up on me when I didn't expect it -- something about it seemed like destiny and there was nothing I could have done to prevent such a pointless end... the most frustrating thing is that it feels so unfixable. I can usually get myself out of the average jam, but I just can't fix 'dead'.
I didn't know what to feel. I think maybe we block things out naturally while we are unable to deal with them. But that doesn't make it go away. Talking to a mutual friend helped a lot. Sometimes there isn't anyone around who can understand what you need to say so writing can help to vent stuff.
December 6th, 2009 12:11 AM
Don't do things you don't want to explain to the Paramedics!
Stupidity should be painful.
December 6th, 2009 12:42 AM
I honor a good friend of mine by wearing a memorial bracelet with his info on it. I didn't serve with him, we served at different times, but we did grow up together.
It his me hard when I got the call that he was gone, EOD in Afghanistan 15 Apr 02.
I'm not sure if you can do that, since you have more to remember than I do, but it helped me and his Parent's enjoyed seeing the bracelet when I went to visit them.
"Don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep." - Theodore Roosevelt
December 6th, 2009 12:52 AM
Here is another resource you may want to try, they have a much better understanding and help now than when I returned from RVN.
National Center for PTSD Home
When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
"Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."
Hóka-héy! Crazy Horse
December 6th, 2009 01:04 AM
Talk to your buddies fathers. It will do you both a lot of good.
"Just blame Sixto"
I reserve the right to make fun, point and laugh etc.
December 6th, 2009 02:12 AM
That's a great thing you're doing Paco.
Damn, it's gettin' heavy in here!
"I believe that's my stapler."
December 6th, 2009 02:56 AM
I think that you might just find your own healing by helping others with theirs!
Give it a try.
ALWAYS carry! - NEVER tell!
"A superior Operator is best defined as someone who uses his superior
judgement to keep himself out of situations that would require a display of his
December 6th, 2009 10:02 AM
Thanks for the kind replies guys. I called a few buddies last night. They all say they are dealing with the same issues. Feeling a lot better today. Final exams at school are this week. I think after the testing is over I'm going to try to make an appt at the VA. I definitely need to do something different than I am now because I fly along all good, and then bam! something happens that just knocks my dingle dangle in the dirt. Again, thanks for the kind comments and emails, it feels really good to know I'm not the odd ball for feeling this way.
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