Wife has a friend that is a victem of domestic abuse, and she comes to your house.

This is a discussion on Wife has a friend that is a victem of domestic abuse, and she comes to your house. within the Carry & Defensive Scenarios forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; I agree with the masses, it is your house and his rights stop at the door. Be prepared for it to get ugly, but, do ...

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Thread: Wife has a friend that is a victem of domestic abuse, and she comes to your house.

  1. #16
    New Member Array Teaser261's Avatar
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    I agree with the masses, it is your house and his rights stop at the door. Be prepared for it to get ugly, but, do not let her kids or yours see or hear any of the dispute. Kids scar easily and it will last a long time( even just a verbal dispute, or a conversation with the cops will burn into their memories) Good luck and keep us posted

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  3. #17
    Distinguished Member Array Guardian's Avatar
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    I'm in agreement, get a hold of a First Step Responder or equivalent in your area right now. Get her with them, they do the children also. It's nice that you and your wife are willing to go that mile with her, but if she's not serious, your making an enemy that you might not like my friend (her husband) and he might not forget.

    I'm not saying don't do anything, help, but make her help herself also, she's got to want that help and not just throw you and your wife into a situation that could cause you two harm. Either way, stay safe and follow some of this good advice on the forum.
    "I dislike death, however, there are some things I dislike more than death. Therefore, there are times when I will not avoid danger" Mencius"

  4. #18
    RKM
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    It's your house. You're defending your house and family despite his children and wife being there.

  5. #19
    Member Array Night Flight's Avatar
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    I have been involved in arresting husbands for spousal abuse. Invariably the wife will change her mind about him being arrested. When you take the bread winner out of the home the wife only sees no monetary support for the family. So if you do have to get physical with the husband you may be surprised to see her take his side if you have to shoot or disable him. However, you have a job to do also and that is to protect yourself and your family against all dangerous intruders.
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  6. #20
    Senior Member Array scgunlover1's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 1911PKR View Post
    If he forced his way into your house, you'd be fully justified in shooting him to the ground however, be advised that IF there is ANY doubt in the case, the abused wife WILL be taken the stand against you. Happens all the time. I'd do my best to stay out of that domestic cluster.
    +1 on this advice in my opinion. As 1911PKR said, she would probably turn against you and your family if you happen to take the guy out. Play it safe and get the police involved just for your safety.
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  7. #21
    Distinguished Member Array SpringerXD's Avatar
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    I have to say that this is the first time I've read a scenario on here as it was actually happening (or could). It would seem to me that, regardless of his anger, he has no "right" to enter your private property, i.e. your house. Any physical attempt at doing so would constitute a threat.
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  8. #22
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    Get the troubled family into a back room, call the police, and do not open the door.
    Any forceable entry should be dealt with...
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  9. #23
    VIP Member Array Guantes's Avatar
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    Should you have to put him down, one way or another, watch your back so she doesn't come after you with a kitchen knife. Domestic victims, will often turn on you in a flat second, after you deal with their offender.

  10. #24
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    I have a small video camera above both my front and back doors. They record to a hard drive 24/7. I have a visual, time stamped record of all who come and go. Might be a good idea to have one too...in case things ever go south you can prove the wife came with the kids seeking help and the husband came sometime later seeking trouble. A video is worth its weight in gold in court. Good insurance IMHO.

  11. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by HotGuns View Post
    As one that has dealt with this very thing as an LEO, I'll put my 2 cents in on it.



    Absolutely correct.



    His legal right to anything stops right at your door. If you are giving "sanctuary" to his wife and kinds, (which you are) he has no right to enter into your house unless you invite him.

    Lets say that he is drunk and abusive and you tell him to leave. He refuses, yelling and screaming and even pounding on your door. Immediately call 911 and inform them of the situation. They will dispatch someone to the scene.

    In the meantime, you put the others in a back room, and stand fast at the front door.

    If he persists, inform him that he is trespassing that you have called the law and that they are on their way. Sometimes this will work and they will leave, sometimes it does not.

    Do what you feel you have to do. Sometimes showing up at the door with a gun is enough, sometimes it is not.In any case, be prepared to use it.

    Responding officers will arrest him if he is still there. If he has made any threats, the very least he'll get charged with is terroristic threatening and trespassing, because you have told him to leave and he has refused.

    Sometimes things go south and people get shot. We understand this. If you have to call 911 a couple of times, do it, it'll all be on record or they may tell you to stay on the phone,the whole thing will be recorded.

    Just be prepared, both mentally and physically to do what you may not want to do. Sometimes just the proper attitude displayed goes along way to preventing more later on.
    HotGuns is spot on from his law enforcement perspective.

    Now here's my .02 worth from my dealings with DV on damn near a weekly basis for the last 30 years.

    It's okay to be a friend and to provide sanctuary in the immediate crisis. However, that last place you want to be, and should be is smack dab in the middle of other peoples domestic violence situation.

    I'm saying this from experience and this is my professional opinion. For whatever reason, most women do not end up leaving their abusers. And I'm tired of trying to figure out why that is. I've seen women beaten to a pulp repeatedly only to go back again and again for more. They go to counseling and it goes in one ear and out the other. Whether they feel trapped, or the fact that they are comfortable in their misery is anyone's guess.

    The thing is, often times they will drag other people right into the middle of it and end up causing you grief and stress in your family unit over their problems. You don't want to be caught in the middle of their problems. It's a bad place to be. It can get very unpleasant if not dangerous if the husband starts to see you as an enemy.

    People who are abused know full well there's a way out, how to stop it, what kind of support is out there. They just don't want to do what it takes to escape. Instead they end up manipulating their friends and slowly drag them into the middle of it. They will reject professional help yet they readily bring their friends who have no training or experience in the middle. They want to be fawned over and feel the sympathy of others but instead of leaving, they're right back with the abuser the next day.

    If it's bad enough that she has to run and hide at some friends house, then it's bad enough to leave permanently. She isn't doing the kids any favors by exposing them to this lifestyle. As a matter of fact... frequently, in some twisted way, it's all about the kids and victim will use the kids to pit them against the abuser and vice versa.

    I would be cautious of how involved I would get in this situation. You have to ask yourself, why is she seeking out your wife for her support instead of seeking professional help. Probably because she won't like the answers and choices she will get with professional counseling.

    Just my humble opinion. Your mileage will vary.
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  12. #26
    Senior Member Array 1911PKR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by scgunlover1 View Post
    +1 on this advice in my opinion. As 1911PKR said, she would probably turn against you and your family if you happen to take the guy out. Play it safe and get the police involved just for your safety.
    Yep and...yep


    Quote Originally Posted by Guantes View Post
    Domestic victims, will often turn on you in a flat second, after you deal with their offender.
    Sure they will.... the abused wife will say that you said, " come on in and lets talk" . She'll insist your life and your families lives weren't in danger and he didn't have a weapon. Her kids may being crying in the court room because they don't have daddy anymore. This looks bad to a liberal sypmathetic jury. Having said that, if he enters my house when I say no.... he gets it. The castle doctrine is NOT the end all of justifingly shooting someone on your property. Best to stay far, far away from domestic disputes and let the "pros" handle it.
    Last edited by MattInFla; July 7th, 2010 at 06:56 AM. Reason: Fixed quote tag

  13. #27
    VIP Member Array Guantes's Avatar
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    Even the "pros" hate dealing with them, for the reasons previously stated by several. Such things as the "badge divorce" were created as ways to deal with these things.

  14. #28
    VIP Member Array Eagleks's Avatar
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    Well, seems everyone above covered the things I would have, except one.

    De-escalate if possible. But, as they said, depends upon the person if it would even be possible if he's that determined to gain entry. The two things that should are ; 1) this is "MY " house , 2) "Police" have been called and are on the way.

    Otherwise ... see all of the posts on Page 1 ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^


    I would talk to the "friend" later, that you are not her personal security guard and she either should get out, go to a shelter for battered women, or call the police.
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  15. #29
    VIP Member Array ctsketch's Avatar
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    if he shows up PO'd call the police and let them sort it out. if he tries to force his way in, well, its your castle and if he's PO'd he could be meaning to do YOU harm.
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  16. #30
    VIP Member Array friesepferd's Avatar
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    doors are shut and locked and stay that way.
    if he comes pounding on the door, call the cops.
    if he actually manages to break into your house- break a window and crawl thru, etc. protect yourself and your family as you see fit.
    as said above, the only thing i could see possibly happening is the wife suing you. If it looked like he was about to break in, I would tell the lady that you will defend yourself. and if she doesnt want that, she can go out there and deal with him.
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