Wife has a friend that is a victem of domestic abuse, and she comes to your house.
This is a discussion on Wife has a friend that is a victem of domestic abuse, and she comes to your house. within the Carry & Defensive Scenarios forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; I agree with the masses, it is your house and his rights stop at the door. Be prepared for it to get ugly, but, do ...
July 6th, 2010 09:49 PM
I agree with the masses, it is your house and his rights stop at the door. Be prepared for it to get ugly, but, do not let her kids or yours see or hear any of the dispute. Kids scar easily and it will last a long time( even just a verbal dispute, or a conversation with the cops will burn into their memories) Good luck and keep us posted
July 6th, 2010 10:07 PM
I'm in agreement, get a hold of a First Step Responder or equivalent in your area right now. Get her with them, they do the children also. It's nice that you and your wife are willing to go that mile with her, but if she's not serious, your making an enemy that you might not like my friend (her husband) and he might not forget.
I'm not saying don't do anything, help, but make her help herself also, she's got to want that help and not just throw you and your wife into a situation that could cause you two harm. Either way, stay safe and follow some of this good advice on the forum.
"I dislike death, however, there are some things I dislike more than death. Therefore, there are times when I will not avoid danger" Mencius"
July 6th, 2010 10:09 PM
It's your house. You're defending your house and family despite his children and wife being there.
July 6th, 2010 10:28 PM
I have been involved in arresting husbands for spousal abuse. Invariably the wife will change her mind about him being arrested. When you take the bread winner out of the home the wife only sees no monetary support for the family. So if you do have to get physical with the husband you may be surprised to see her take his side if you have to shoot or disable him. However, you have a job to do also and that is to protect yourself and your family against all dangerous intruders.
Glock G22 .40 Cal.
SA 1911 A-1 .45 ACP
July 6th, 2010 10:45 PM
+1 on this advice in my opinion. As 1911PKR said, she would probably turn against you and your family if you happen to take the guy out. Play it safe and get the police involved just for your safety.
Originally Posted by 1911PKR
July 6th, 2010 11:09 PM
I have to say that this is the first time I've read a scenario on here as it was actually happening (or could). It would seem to me that, regardless of his anger, he has no "right" to enter your private property, i.e. your house. Any physical attempt at doing so would constitute a threat.
"I practice the ancient art of Klik Pao."
July 6th, 2010 11:15 PM
Get the troubled family into a back room, call the police, and do not open the door.
Any forceable entry should be dealt with...
Proverbs 27:12 says: “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”
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NRA Life Member
July 6th, 2010 11:26 PM
Should you have to put him down, one way or another, watch your back so she doesn't come after you with a kitchen knife. Domestic victims, will often turn on you in a flat second, after you deal with their offender.
July 6th, 2010 11:27 PM
I have a small video camera above both my front and back doors. They record to a hard drive 24/7. I have a visual, time stamped record of all who come and go. Might be a good idea to have one too...in case things ever go south you can prove the wife came with the kids seeking help and the husband came sometime later seeking trouble. A video is worth its weight in gold in court. Good insurance IMHO.
July 7th, 2010 12:09 AM
HotGuns is spot on from his law enforcement perspective.
Originally Posted by HotGuns
Now here's my .02 worth from my dealings with DV on damn near a weekly basis for the last 30 years.
It's okay to be a friend and to provide sanctuary in the immediate crisis. However, that last place you want to be, and should be is smack dab in the middle of other peoples domestic violence situation.
I'm saying this from experience and this is my professional opinion. For whatever reason, most women do not end up leaving their abusers. And I'm tired of trying to figure out why that is. I've seen women beaten to a pulp repeatedly only to go back again and again for more. They go to counseling and it goes in one ear and out the other. Whether they feel trapped, or the fact that they are comfortable in their misery is anyone's guess.
The thing is, often times they will drag other people right into the middle of it and end up causing you grief and stress in your family unit over their problems. You don't want to be caught in the middle of their problems. It's a bad place to be. It can get very unpleasant if not dangerous if the husband starts to see you as an enemy.
People who are abused know full well there's a way out, how to stop it, what kind of support is out there. They just don't want to do what it takes to escape. Instead they end up manipulating their friends and slowly drag them into the middle of it. They will reject professional help yet they readily bring their friends who have no training or experience in the middle. They want to be fawned over and feel the sympathy of others but instead of leaving, they're right back with the abuser the next day.
If it's bad enough that she has to run and hide at some friends house, then it's bad enough to leave permanently. She isn't doing the kids any favors by exposing them to this lifestyle. As a matter of fact... frequently, in some twisted way, it's all about the kids and victim will use the kids to pit them against the abuser and vice versa.
I would be cautious of how involved I would get in this situation. You have to ask yourself, why is she seeking out your wife for her support instead of seeking professional help. Probably because she won't like the answers and choices she will get with professional counseling.
Just my humble opinion. Your mileage will vary.
"The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."
July 7th, 2010 12:15 AM
Originally Posted by scgunlover1
Sure they will.... the abused wife will say that you said, " come on in and lets talk" . She'll insist your life and your families lives weren't in danger and he didn't have a weapon. Her kids may being crying in the court room because they don't have daddy anymore. This looks bad to a liberal sypmathetic jury. Having said that, if he enters my house when I say no.... he gets it. The castle doctrine is NOT the end all of justifingly shooting someone on your property. Best to stay far, far away from domestic disputes and let the "pros" handle it.
Originally Posted by Guantes
Last edited by MattInFla; July 7th, 2010 at 06:56 AM.
Reason: Fixed quote tag
July 7th, 2010 12:24 AM
Even the "pros" hate dealing with them, for the reasons previously stated by several. Such things as the "badge divorce" were created as ways to deal with these things.
July 7th, 2010 01:07 AM
Well, seems everyone above covered the things I would have, except one.
De-escalate if possible. But, as they said, depends upon the person if it would even be possible if he's that determined to gain entry. The two things that should are ; 1) this is "MY " house , 2) "Police" have been called and are on the way.
Otherwise ... see all of the posts on Page 1 ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
I would talk to the "friend" later, that you are not her personal security guard and she either should get out, go to a shelter for battered women, or call the police.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers ---
Chief Justice John Roberts : "I don't see how you can read Heller and not take away from it the notion that the Second Amendment...was extremely important to the framers in their view of what liberty meant."
July 7th, 2010 06:52 AM
if he shows up PO'd call the police and let them sort it out. if he tries to force his way in, well, its your castle and if he's PO'd he could be meaning to do YOU harm.
July 7th, 2010 07:29 AM
doors are shut and locked and stay that way.
if he comes pounding on the door, call the cops.
if he actually manages to break into your house- break a window and crawl thru, etc. protect yourself and your family as you see fit.
as said above, the only thing i could see possibly happening is the wife suing you. If it looked like he was about to break in, I would tell the lady that you will defend yourself. and if she doesnt want that, she can go out there and deal with him.
Wo die Notwehr aufhört, fängt der Mord an
(Murder begins where self-defense ends)
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