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Wife has a friend that is a victem of domestic abuse, and she comes to your house.

4K views 53 replies 42 participants last post by  carguy2244 
#1 ·
Okay, let me get your opinions on this scenario. My wife has a friend who has 2 children, 3 and 5. From her accounts she is in a verbally abusive relationship and her husband treats her very poorly in my opinion...again from her accounts.

Tonight our doorbell rings. Armed, with my G30, I look through our peep hole and see this friend of my wife's. I open the door and see that she is very emotionally distraught. I know of her history so I scan the road for her husband and I open the glass door asking if she is okay. She said no, and I have my kids with me, can we come in. So, I yell for my wife, and she comes to the door and assists with getting her and the kids in the house quickly. The door is bolted and locked behind her and she proceeds to tell my wife about her husband yelling at her, using vulgar profanity in front of their children so she got them together and just left.

I asked her if her husband had been physical, and she said no, just verbal. I then asked if he knew where she was, but she said no, but he could narrow it down to just a few homes if needed.

Scenario:

Husband shows up at my house PO'd, demanding to see his wife. I tell my wife to call 911, and he makes effort to enter the house.

My thoughts:
1.) This is my house, and I am protecting my family first and foremost. If he persists in coming in the house, I will stop the threat.

2.) I am concerned in the back of my head as his two kids are in my house, which he has legal right to. Where do his rights end? At my door?

Anyway, I need some opinions as I sit at my house now, being vigilant to the possibility of something like this happening. My wife is listening to her friend, and I sit here, typing this out as fast as I can, and wait, and protect my family.
 
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#3 ·
^^ This. He can discuss it with the police when they arrrive. He can go back home. But, if he breaks in after being told no, he will be met with deadly force.
 
#4 ·
His wife and children are invited guests in your home. He is not, if he forces his way in, you are defending yourself and your loved ones.

Now, I do not know about SC and Castle Doctorines, however, in Florida, any intruder in your home is condsidered armed, dangerous and an immediate threat to your life, or wellbeing.
 
#5 ·
If he is in enough rage to break in to your house, he may be enraged enough to take it out not only on his wife, but you and your family also.
Domestics are a combination of a snake pit and a bottle of nitro.
Protect you and yours.
 
#8 ·
First off...avoid a confrontation!

If she came by car.....put it in your garage or get it out of sight. If he goes looking for her & sees the car, that will remove any doubt in his mind as to her whereabouts. If he doesn't see car, he may move on to the next likely spot.....
 
#9 ·
If he forced his way into your house, you'd be fully justified in shooting him to the ground however, be advised that IF there is ANY doubt in the case, the abused wife WILL be taken the stand against you. Happens all the time.:yup: I'd do my best to stay out of that domestic cluster.
 
#10 ·
As one that has dealt with this very thing as an LEO, I'll put my 2 cents in on it.

My thoughts:
1.) This is my house, and I am protecting my family first and foremost.
Absolutely correct.

I am concerned in the back of my head as his two kids are in my house, which he has legal right to. Where do his rights end? At my door?
His legal right to anything stops right at your door. If you are giving "sanctuary" to his wife and kinds, (which you are) he has no right to enter into your house unless you invite him.

Lets say that he is drunk and abusive and you tell him to leave. He refuses, yelling and screaming and even pounding on your door. Immediately call 911 and inform them of the situation. They will dispatch someone to the scene.

In the meantime, you put the others in a back room, and stand fast at the front door.

If he persists, inform him that he is trespassing that you have called the law and that they are on their way. Sometimes this will work and they will leave, sometimes it does not.

Do what you feel you have to do. Sometimes showing up at the door with a gun is enough, sometimes it is not.In any case, be prepared to use it.

Responding officers will arrest him if he is still there. If he has made any threats, the very least he'll get charged with is terroristic threatening and trespassing, because you have told him to leave and he has refused.

Sometimes things go south and people get shot. We understand this. If you have to call 911 a couple of times, do it, it'll all be on record or they may tell you to stay on the phone,the whole thing will be recorded.

Just be prepared, both mentally and physically to do what you may not want to do. Sometimes just the proper attitude displayed goes along way to preventing more later on.
 
#25 ·
As one that has dealt with this very thing as an LEO, I'll put my 2 cents in on it.



Absolutely correct.



His legal right to anything stops right at your door. If you are giving "sanctuary" to his wife and kinds, (which you are) he has no right to enter into your house unless you invite him.

Lets say that he is drunk and abusive and you tell him to leave. He refuses, yelling and screaming and even pounding on your door. Immediately call 911 and inform them of the situation. They will dispatch someone to the scene.

In the meantime, you put the others in a back room, and stand fast at the front door.

If he persists, inform him that he is trespassing that you have called the law and that they are on their way. Sometimes this will work and they will leave, sometimes it does not.

Do what you feel you have to do. Sometimes showing up at the door with a gun is enough, sometimes it is not.In any case, be prepared to use it.

Responding officers will arrest him if he is still there. If he has made any threats, the very least he'll get charged with is terroristic threatening and trespassing, because you have told him to leave and he has refused.

Sometimes things go south and people get shot. We understand this. If you have to call 911 a couple of times, do it, it'll all be on record or they may tell you to stay on the phone,the whole thing will be recorded.

Just be prepared, both mentally and physically to do what you may not want to do. Sometimes just the proper attitude displayed goes along way to preventing more later on.
HotGuns is spot on from his law enforcement perspective. :hand10:

Now here's my .02 worth from my dealings with DV on damn near a weekly basis for the last 30 years.

It's okay to be a friend and to provide sanctuary in the immediate crisis. However, that last place you want to be, and should be is smack dab in the middle of other peoples domestic violence situation.

I'm saying this from experience and this is my professional opinion. For whatever reason, most women do not end up leaving their abusers. And I'm tired of trying to figure out why that is. I've seen women beaten to a pulp repeatedly only to go back again and again for more. They go to counseling and it goes in one ear and out the other. Whether they feel trapped, or the fact that they are comfortable in their misery is anyone's guess.

The thing is, often times they will drag other people right into the middle of it and end up causing you grief and stress in your family unit over their problems. You don't want to be caught in the middle of their problems. It's a bad place to be. It can get very unpleasant if not dangerous if the husband starts to see you as an enemy.

People who are abused know full well there's a way out, how to stop it, what kind of support is out there. They just don't want to do what it takes to escape. Instead they end up manipulating their friends and slowly drag them into the middle of it. They will reject professional help yet they readily bring their friends who have no training or experience in the middle. They want to be fawned over and feel the sympathy of others but instead of leaving, they're right back with the abuser the next day.

If it's bad enough that she has to run and hide at some friends house, then it's bad enough to leave permanently. She isn't doing the kids any favors by exposing them to this lifestyle. As a matter of fact... frequently, in some twisted way, it's all about the kids and victim will use the kids to pit them against the abuser and vice versa.

I would be cautious of how involved I would get in this situation. You have to ask yourself, why is she seeking out your wife for her support instead of seeking professional help. Probably because she won't like the answers and choices she will get with professional counseling.

Just my humble opinion. Your mileage will vary. :bier:
 
#11 ·
All good advice. I like, hide the car.
Also, if you have any sort of voice or video recorder that you might start up the instant he appears, if he does, I would set it up now and be ready to have it going instantly. It will help you out a lot with the inevitable aftermath should he attempt to force his way in.

Also, be really really careful about answering your door for him. He could come armed. Mad and armed. Crazy and armed. The good guys don't always get the winning shot. BE REALLY CAREFUL.
 
#12 ·
Your thought #1 is correct and you can stop there. Most state laws also allow for deadly force in defense of a 3rd party as well, but especially if said 3rd party is in your domicile of record. Refer to your own #1 and sit tight.
 
#13 ·
Nasty situation I wouldn't want anyone to be in. I think everyone hit the key on the head. If he wants his kids then there are legal avenues to pursue and he is not justified in turning to violence to retrieve his kids in a home where they are not in danger and are in custody with their mother. We are, however, dealing with a very motivated individual in some cases and emotional husbands that have violent proclivities aren't always the most rational creatures. I wouldn't do anything that would antagonize him just the same. I wouldn't, for example, allow the wife to leave and go somewhere and leave the kids back to stay with you and your family at your house. In this situation, their mother isn't around and by all rights he would be justified in asking for you to hand his kids over to him - I wouldn't even want to get into the legal ramifications of that scenario.

Protect you and yours but at the same time that doesn't mean that you can't try to de-escalate the situation and talk to him him in a calm manner and try to talk him down from his rage. I'm not saying to go outside and hold his hand and buy him a beer but be wise and don't provoke him and treat him like he's the bad guy. He may very well be the bad guy but you probably don't know all there is to know and I'm sure in his mind he probably feels justified in the things he says and does. When I say this, I in no means am trying to justify or defend domestic abuse because there is no excuse for it. Leave judgment and justice, however, to the proper authorities and don't unnecessarily make an enemy out of a guy that is running on raw emotion and perhaps has left and abandoned rationality some time ago. Don't for a minute think that the only scenario is that the guy comes to your door and tries to break it down. He's already upset, don't give him the ingredients to set up vengeance in his heart.

Be safe and use wise judgment.

On another note that may be a little unrelated to your scenario. Don't be an enabler. I wouldn't let this little scenario where this lady comes to your house to become a regular event. If this woman really wants help and out of this situation then there is help and assistance available. Help her to get in touch with a spousal abuse center - I'm very sure there is one in your area and if you can't find one - call the State Police and describe your situation and ask them for assistance, I'm sure they can point you in the right direction. As much as I would like to see this lady out of her abusive situation, I wouldn't want her to habitually put you and your family in danger.

Grace & Peace,
 
#40 ·
Don't be an enabler. I wouldn't let this little scenario where this lady comes to your house to become a regular event. If this woman really wants help and out of this situation then there is help and assistance available. Help her to get in touch with a spousal abuse center - I'm very sure there is one in your area and if you can't find one - call the State Police and describe your situation and ask them for assistance, I'm sure they can point you in the right direction. As much as I would like to see this lady out of her abusive situation, I wouldn't want her to habitually put you and your family in danger.
+1 :congrats:
 
#14 ·
I still would have reported this type of incident. My local PD has a non-emergency number. I dial it, hit option 5 and I get dispatch just as I would if I dialed 911 but they know it is a non-emergency call from the way it came in.

I would want it well documented that they had a verbal and the wife and kids where currently at my residents. That is just me though.
 
#15 ·
I think DEFCONGUN is 100% spot on correct in every point made. Well said, too!
 
#16 ·
I agree with the masses, it is your house and his rights stop at the door. Be prepared for it to get ugly, but, do not let her kids or yours see or hear any of the dispute. Kids scar easily and it will last a long time( even just a verbal dispute, or a conversation with the cops will burn into their memories) Good luck and keep us posted
 
#17 ·
I'm in agreement, get a hold of a First Step Responder or equivalent in your area right now. Get her with them, they do the children also. It's nice that you and your wife are willing to go that mile with her, but if she's not serious, your making an enemy that you might not like my friend (her husband) and he might not forget.

I'm not saying don't do anything, help, but make her help herself also, she's got to want that help and not just throw you and your wife into a situation that could cause you two harm. Either way, stay safe and follow some of this good advice on the forum.
 
#19 ·
I have been involved in arresting husbands for spousal abuse. Invariably the wife will change her mind about him being arrested. When you take the bread winner out of the home the wife only sees no monetary support for the family. So if you do have to get physical with the husband you may be surprised to see her take his side if you have to shoot or disable him. However, you have a job to do also and that is to protect yourself and your family against all dangerous intruders.
 
#21 ·
I have to say that this is the first time I've read a scenario on here as it was actually happening (or could). It would seem to me that, regardless of his anger, he has no "right" to enter your private property, i.e. your house. Any physical attempt at doing so would constitute a threat.
 
#22 ·
Get the troubled family into a back room, call the police, and do not open the door.
Any forceable entry should be dealt with...:yup:
 
#23 ·
Should you have to put him down, one way or another, watch your back so she doesn't come after you with a kitchen knife. Domestic victims, will often turn on you in a flat second, after you deal with their offender.
 
#24 ·
I have a small video camera above both my front and back doors. They record to a hard drive 24/7. I have a visual, time stamped record of all who come and go. Might be a good idea to have one too...in case things ever go south you can prove the wife came with the kids seeking help and the husband came sometime later seeking trouble. A video is worth its weight in gold in court. Good insurance IMHO.
 
#28 ·
Well, seems everyone above covered the things I would have, except one.

De-escalate if possible. But, as they said, depends upon the person if it would even be possible if he's that determined to gain entry. The two things that should are ; 1) this is "MY " house , 2) "Police" have been called and are on the way.

Otherwise ... see all of the posts on Page 1 ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^


I would talk to the "friend" later, that you are not her personal security guard and she either should get out, go to a shelter for battered women, or call the police.
 
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