Situation this morning, I should have handled it better...

Situation this morning, I should have handled it better...

This is a discussion on Situation this morning, I should have handled it better... within the Carry & Defensive Scenarios forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; I stayed over at my friends apartment last night so I could help her with setting up furniture and bookshelves. She is currently separated from ...

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Thread: Situation this morning, I should have handled it better...

  1. #1
    Member Array TheMadScientist's Avatar
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    Situation this morning, I should have handled it better...

    I stayed over at my friends apartment last night so I could help her with setting up furniture and bookshelves. She is currently separated from her husband as he is a raging bipolar nutjob as I learned how bad they REALLY can be this morning. Continuing onward as I was taking stuff upstairs he knocked on the door. She answered and he was yelling about guys being at the apartment. He ends up coming in and approaches me and asks who I am and what I am doing here and I respond politely that I am helping her with stuff. We all go round and round trying to get him to calm down while he is accusing me and her of doing other stuff together etc etc. After about 45 minutes of this nonsense we head outside and convince him to leave; he finally left but not before watching me lock the doors and head upstairs.


    I was somewhat nervous though as he was 3x my size and approached me quickly but when talking to me he toned down his voice and attitude.

    In retrospect I should have backed away and called the police the first time my friend asked him to leave and he didn't instead of trying to calm him down. She later told me she would have let me known when to call the cops on him but I should have called them regardless.

    I do wish I had my gun on me (I am still waiting on my CHL I applied for it 3 weeks ago and I left it at home ..). I do not think I would have drawn had I been armed as he toned down his attitude when I started talking to him.

    So I am gonna be a LOT more serious about carry now.

    She said he has never been physically violent but I am certain a bipolar person can escalate that way quickly. Its only a matter of time....

    Time to help my friend get her own permit..

    Anything else I could have done differently? Anyone else here been in a similar situation?


  2. #2
    Member Array TexasBill's Avatar
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    We weren't there so we cannot say. But - I question the logic that it would have gone "better" with a gun on your person. It sounds to me like you possibly might have done something different and that would/may have escalated the situation. When one carry's a gun it should make you more cautious and more ready to backup and de-escalate the situation.

  3. #3
    VIP Member Array Brad426's Avatar
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    You aren't hurt and you didn't have to shoot anyone. Couldn't get any better result if you had a re-do...
    I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
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  4. #4
    VIP Member Array tdave's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brad426 View Post
    You aren't hurt and you didn't have to shoot anyone. Couldn't get any better result if you had a re-do...
    ^^^^^This!!!^^^

  5. #5
    Member Array dondavis3's Avatar
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    My opinion is you handled it very well.

    Believe me the last thing you want to do is shoot someone ... it will ruin your life forever.

    msgt/ret, CLASS3NH and mano3 like this.

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    Why on God's green earth did he learn of her new abode?

    If he is that much of a raging bull in a china shop, YOU need to be very careful in what YOU are doing.

    If they are separated only, that is NOT divorced, and you are seen by him,(the raging bull) as sleeping with his wife. Don't be careless and numb skulled, even if nothing is going on between the two of you, that is the impression a husband would get.
    You may have a target on your back already. Quit sleeping over there.
    halem1, Azchief, Jtrams and 20 others like this.
    If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

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  7. #7
    Senior Member Array ntkb's Avatar
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    I can tell you this, had you ended up shooting him it would not go well for you. It would look very suspicious that he ended up there dead and you the shooter. If you had to use your gun before entering it in the equation, you need to think, just how is it going to look to a jury.
    CLASS3NH and MasterGadgets like this.
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  8. #8
    Member Array nmbr5ml's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oneshot View Post
    Why on God's green earth did he learn of her new abode?
    That's an important question. Most likely the answer is: because he's been welcomed back over there previously. This relationship is far from over. Like most dissolving marriages, it's bound to be an on again-off again type deal for a while and the girl in question shouldn't have put you in that position.

    You can rationalize all you want but I know what you were doing over there. I can count on one finger the number of truly platonic female "friends" I've had in my lifetime and even that was only because the opportunity never arose for something to 'happen'... I'm here to tell you--it's not worth it. You will be the big loser. Either when hubby comes over and beats you/stabs you/shoots you/burns your house down, or when you do seal the deal and get hips deep in a relationship with this girl only to have her suddenly dump you and return to old boy to "give it one more shot." (Because people are lazy; take the path of least resistance and divorces are expensive and annoying.)

    This has nothing to do with self defense, guns, whatever. Don't be the rebound guy. If you insist on doing it, be honest with yourself about what you're doing. My advice is avoid it, at all costs.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array BkCo1's Avatar
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    My advice is to avoid domestic situations. Also have a few friends with you (as witness) while helping lady friend. As mentioned earlier, DON'T SLEEP THERE!
    Hodad, CLASS3NH, oneshot and 6 others like this.
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  10. #10
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    A single male helping out a female friend when separated, bipolar husband is in the area sounds like a recipe for disaster. The unstable husband sees another male on what he thinks may be his turf... it's predictable what he will think.

    Given the opportunity for this or a similar event to happen again, I suggest adding more people to the mix, especially more males. A number of guys around the separated female creates a deterrence, plus there's safety in numbers if things get combative. Not to leave the gun out of the equation, but the gun is just a tool; you need to re-think the overall strategy.
    kukla, oneshot, CLASS3NH and 17 others like this.
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  11. #11
    Ex Member Array Jtrams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheMadScientist View Post
    I stayed over at my friends apartment last night so I could help her with setting up furniture and bookshelves. She is currently separated from her husband as he is a raging bipolar nutjob as I learned how bad they REALLY can be this morning. Continuing onward as I was taking stuff upstairs he knocked on the door. She answered and he was yelling about guys being at the apartment. He ends up coming in and approaches me and asks who I am and what I am doing here and I respond politely that I am helping her with stuff. We all go round and round trying to get him to calm down while he is accusing me and her of doing other stuff together etc etc. After about 45 minutes of this nonsense we head outside and convince him to leave; he finally left but not before watching me lock the doors and head upstairs.


    I was somewhat nervous though as he was 3x my size and approached me quickly but when talking to me he toned down his voice and attitude.

    In retrospect I should have backed away and called the police the first time my friend asked him to leave and he didn't instead of trying to calm him down. She later told me she would have let me known when to call the cops on him but I should have called them regardless.

    I do wish I had my gun on me (I am still waiting on my CHL I applied for it 3 weeks ago and I left it at home ..). I do not think I would have drawn had I been armed as he toned down his attitude when I started talking to him.

    So I am gonna be a LOT more serious about carry now.

    She said he has never been physically violent but I am certain a bipolar person can escalate that way quickly. Its only a matter of time....

    Time to help my friend get her own permit..

    Anything else I could have done differently? Anyone else here been in a similar situation?
    So he's a raging bipolar nutjob when he sees his wife (not divorced) alone with another man? Seems like a normal reaction for this to me. I don't know his past or the full extent of the situation , don't really care to know, but regardless I wouldn't be caught there alone with his wife whether they are separated or not. Chances are he already sees you as a threat and I WOULD NOT want to be caught there again by this guy when it's just you two and he shows up again. I'd keep an eye out and stay out of places this guy is a regular at. If you stay over there again your just asking for trouble.

  12. #12
    Distinguished Member Array Hodad's Avatar
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    Do not put yourself in a situation like that.

    Sounds to me like your "friend" may have been playing you.

    Have others around to help if that was really your only intent. The fact that you "stayed over" certainly makes me suspicious of your motives, so you can only imagine what her husband thought if he was aware.

    All that aside it sounds like you handled it pretty well.
    CLASS3NH and tcox4freedom like this.
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  13. #13
    Ex Member Array Jtrams's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gasmitty View Post
    A single male helping out a female friend when separated, bipolar husband is in the area sounds like a recipe for disaster. The unstable husband sees another male on what he thinks may be his turf... it's predictable what he will think.

    Given the opportunity for this or a similar event to happen again, I suggest adding more people to the mix, especially more males. A number of guys around the separated female creates a deterrence, plus there's safety in numbers if things get combative. Not to leave the gun out of the equation, but the gun is just a tool; you need to re-think the overall strategy.
    Dont give the guy ideas that will add fuel to the fire. More males present just means more targets. Especially if he is really pissed off and crazy and has a weapon readily avaliable. Crazy people do CRAZY things.
    CLASS3NH likes this.

  14. #14
    VIP Member Array CLASS3NH's Avatar
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    Personally, I'ts your Life, and your business for what you do, and who you have in your Life. I'd not want to carry while doing the moving in scenerio. Be caareful to not getstuck in the middle, as being a "bodyguard" for her (does she know you carry, and if so, this may be a subconcious agenda on her part in order for you to be the protector)
    Outside of this, I'd say, watch your 6 and stay alert if indeed her soon-to-be EX is a nutcase.
    Beyond that, should your friendship blossom, it's your business and hers on what you do. Like I said, "watch your 6" on this one. Been there, done that. DON'T stay overnight in any case. You don't want to get implicated in a Domestic altercation, as her EX could cause you headaches if he knows you're carrying.
    Last edited by CLASS3NH; May 4th, 2014 at 05:24 PM.
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  15. #15
    Member Array Miketrance's Avatar
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    I just dealt with a somewhat similar situation. A couple that was friends with both my wife and I got split up. The woman needed help moving her things. The soon to be ex husband is a good guy, and a friend of mine yet I still took my cousin with me and both of us were armed. 99% chance nothing was going to happen, and nothing did. But I know how volatile of a situation that can be.

    Point being don't insert yourself into a situation like that unless you have a couple guys there. She needs help, great be the good guy and help. But bring a couple other guys with you. Otherwise it doesn't look good if the husband shows up. Most of the time the soon to be ex husband has grounds as most of these guys coming over to "help" are really sniffing around for rebound sex. Not saying you were. But really think about what your reason for being there was.n do yourself a favor.

    CCW doesn't excuse bad judgement, and it isn't there to bail you out of a jam. You need to avoid situations like these or bring a friend or two to help. Do everything you can to discourage the situation. I'm sure the husband would have been in a much more cooperative mood had there been a few of you helping. One it wouldn't look like you wear sniffing around, and two the disparity of force.

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