Advice for woman who just broke up?

This is a discussion on Advice for woman who just broke up? within the Carry & Defensive Scenarios forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; Does this sound iffy? I found this on a Christian forum, and I'm a bit concerned for where this might go. This isn't the typical ...

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Thread: Advice for woman who just broke up?

  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array Paymeister's Avatar
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    Advice for woman who just broke up?

    Does this sound iffy? I found this on a Christian forum, and I'm a bit concerned for where this might go. This isn't the typical "jumped in the parking lot" scenario, but rather "should this lady get range time and a weapon?" This is a condensation of a three-page thread:

    I am engaged and have been for four years. I have been holding off in hopes that my fiancé will change in the areas of his relationship with the Lord (desiring to pursue Him) and being financially stable. ... Since being with him, he has been in several new business pursuits and hasn't had a job for over 20 years. He is struggling terribly financially and will not look for a job. He believes if he were to get a full time job, he wouldn't be able to devote the attention he needs to develop his business. ... I am divorced and was married for 24 years. My fiancé is 52 years old and has never been married.
    ...
    [mentions he's been late on paying child support, and went to jail once for it; also he had his driver's license suspended twice]
    ...
    [voicing concern about upcoming breakup talk] ...He always says he is an orphan and has no family and I'm the only one which is a huge burden to put on me to perform to a level I'm not capable of. I am a little nervous. Please pray for me
    ...
    [broke up]
    ...
    Since then, he has called me 9 times and left two voicemail messages. I will not take his calls.... He won't stop calling me even as I've asked him to give me space. ... He seems really afraid about me leaving him and said he would do whatever he needed to do. He said he wanted to get counseling with our pastor or senior mentors regarding this issue. I called the senior mentors and am waiting for a return call.
    ...
    I am choosing to take a stand
    ...
    Well it's been almost 2 weeks since I broke up with him. He has repeatedly called asking for another chance, stating things are going to change, that he loves me and will not let me go. I don't know what the "will not let me go" phrase actually means. I will say sometimes it's a little scary because I'm not sure where he might go with feeling this rejected. He has never hurt me, put his hands on me or abused me verbally; however, he almost appears to be a stalker. ... When he calls me, I let the answering machine pick up. He leaves long messages about having to tell me something funny to why haven't you called me, this is not like you. I told him I needed space and that the telephone is included in that. He finally said last night that he won't call me for two days but if I called him, he would be available but would give me two days. He's going to give me two days -- I said no, I need space, please don't call me. He said I believe you might leave me and I can't have that, that he will do whatever it takes to keep me. What does that mean? I won't lie and say I'm not a tadbit concerned. Last night, he called me 5 times within a 3 hour period, 3 of those times were text messages. It was almost like harrassment. I don't know but I am praying, saving my text messages, and telling my girlfriends about his bizarre behavior.
    Also, we do not need to go into Scriptural support for self-defense as it has been done quite well here before, but I would appreciate quality links to such web pages (or threads here) which I can post to the other forum.
    Recently updated website: http://www.damagedphotorepair.com

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  3. #2
    Senior Member Array BlackPR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paymeister View Post
    should this lady get range time and a weapon?"
    Well... uh... yes.

    It's good advice for a woman living alone either with or without this type of nonsense going on. So even if the story had been, "she bakes cookies and the neighbor keeps eyeing them up and I think he might take one of her cookies!" my recommendation would still be range time and a weapon (although in that case I would recommend offering a cookie to the neighbor, too).
    The facts are indisputable. There is more data supporting the benefits of Conceal Carry than there is supporting global warming. If you choose ignorance, in light of all the evidence, in order to bolster your irrational fear of guns, you are a greater threat to society than any gun owner.

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    There is enough BAD stuff in the guy's personal story to indicate that this woman is likely in danger. He is the kind of fellow who is now likely to be blaming ALL his considerable failures on her rejection--"if only she didn't reject me I could turn my life around, she's ruined my life, I'm angry." Fear turns to anger. Anger turns to hate. Hate turns to rage and to violence.

    The lady should not only be getting herself armed, but she should be taking other steps. Protective orders (not that they will help but at least there will be a record); new phone number along with a new address. If possible, reassignment at work to a different location. Trade in her vehicle. Do anything to make it difficult for him to find her.

    She is in trouble.

  5. #4
    VIP Member Array matiki's Avatar
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    The EX needs to be told in no uncertain terms it's over.

    Careful attention needs to be paid to the language used by the EX. Language that shifts from a pattern of dependency (which is what is currently being used) to a language of anger (especially if it includes derision) is a strong indication that the EX is about to become a dangerous stalker.

    If this escalates to visits she needs to contact the police.

    Both women and men are typically unwilling to accept how dangerous this type of situation can be. I participate in the assessment of about 10 of these cases a month in addition to my normal risk assessment duties. On average two of them will result in a violent contact - the latest of which was when a man tried to run over his EX. Prior to that visit he was just calling over and over.
    "Wise people learn when they can; fools learn when they must." - The Duke of Wellington

  6. #5
    Member Array bonehead's Avatar
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    This sounds like it could end very badly. While forcing a firearm into her hand for the first time in such a stressful situation may not be the best thing, perhaps some other less-lethal forms of protection would be a good start (i.e. pepperspray).

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    VIP Member Array Yoda's Avatar
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    Um, restraining order..
    Yoda, I am, yes.

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    Member Array snip's Avatar
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    If she can handle having a gun and getting range time she should (not just cause of her particular senario but just because it is a good thing to do).

    As to her particular situation i would say that a restraining order might help. Restraining orders have 2 effects one they escalate the situation or they defuse them. in this case a restraining order could be beneficial because it may be the thing that he needs to tell him to back off and leave her alone. But it would take a professional to sit down and talk with her to know if one would really be beneficial or detrimental.

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    She's been with him for 4 years hoping he will change--whats up with her??? Sounds like they are both a little goofy. 6 months in, she should have been gone, did she think the additional 3 1/2 years would make the break-up easier??? I would distance my self from the 2 of them---encourage the restraining order, so that the police get an idea of whats going on.

    Nothing good will become of this.


    Z
    An ounce of lead is worth 200lbs of cop.

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    VIP Member Array goldshellback's Avatar
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    Yes.

    Restraining order/Order of protection, Range time AND a sidearm.
    "Just getting a concealed carry permit means you haven't commited a crime yet. CCP holders commit crimes." Daniel Vice, senior attorney for the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, quoted on Fox & Friends, 8 Jul, 2008

    (Sometimes) "a fight avioded is a fight won." ... claude clay

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    VIP Member Array SatCong's Avatar
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    Cool

    Quote Originally Posted by Yoda View Post
    Um, restraining order..
    Yea, they work!
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  12. #11
    Member Array faithmyeyes's Avatar
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    In today's society, I think every lady who's competent to do so should acquire equipment and/or training for some method of self-defense. Regardless of whether or not she's a "tadbit concerned." As many others have said: whatever her SD method of choice, it has to be one that she'll take seriously and incorporate into her lifestyle in order to be effective. For this lady, maybe that's a firearm and maybe it isn't.

    Depending on the character of the forum you're on, you might not want to push the "get a gun" approach. I'd definitely push self-defense training (with a nod to firearms as one choice), and suggest for the benefit of other readers that such training shouldn't be put off until one is already in a potentially threatening situation.

    Now if I could just convince my own wife...

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    Get a weapon and learn how to use it immediately, get a restraining order ASAP and if possible where she lives a permit to carry. In a few states I believe a judge can issue or arrange issuance of an emergency carry permit. Hopefully for her sake she lives in one of them.
    Freedom doesn't come free. It is bought and paid for by the lives and blood of our men and women in uniform.

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  14. #13
    VIP Member Array grady's Avatar
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    The guy is a time bomb.

    I don't have any websites to point you toward, as you asked, but I have some unsolicited observations. I hope you don't mind.

    I am engaged and have been for four years. I have been holding off in hopes that my fiancé will change
    She's delusional. Or at least she was. If she doesn't think he is capable of harming her, then she is still delusional.

    Since being with him, he has been in several new business pursuits and hasn't had a job for over 20 years.
    He is struggling terribly financially and will not look for a job.
    It took her 4 years to figure out he wasn't a good prospect?

    Since then, he has called me 9 times and left two voicemail messages. I will not take his calls....
    She started off good.

    I told him I needed space and that the telephone is included in that. He finally said last night that he won't call me for two days but if I called him, he would be available but would give me two days. He's going to give me two days -- I said no, I need space, please don't call me. He said
    If I read that correctly, she relented and is back to speaking with him. That will just drag it out longer.

    He said I believe you might leave me and I can't have that
    He is controlling, and he can't handle rejection.

    that he will do whatever it takes to keep me.
    Sounds like the guys who kill because "If I can't have you, no one can."

    Here's what I expect will happen:
    1. You'll make some great suggestions to her.
    2. She'll ignore your suggestions, hoping it will all go away while believing your suggestions are over the top. If she hasn't considered a gun by now, she probably won't.
    3. She will live or die based on the decision the loser boyfriend makes because she won't take adequate steps of protection for herself.

    I know I sound harsh, but this guy is a loose cannon. She messed up by hanging around him and being engaged to him for 4 years.

    If she won't take your advice, I'd recommend she get her will in order . Then I would seriously tell her "goodbye" in case psycho loser makes good on his threats. I will be surprised if he doesn't become violent with her. And if he does, I expect a lot of rage from him.

    IMO, she needs to take several steps of protection already covered by others in this thread, including arming herself, or she needs to be prepared to die at his hands. If she does not take significant precautions, the decision will be his.

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    Member Array tabraha's Avatar
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    I think she may need to stay with some friends for a while. That will help her mindset and her friends can strengthen her resolve. Strongly consider the restraining order as well as it could strengthen her stance on the situation should anything occur down the road. The first thing his defense attorney would ask is "if you were so scared why didn't you have a TRO (restraining order) against my client? You were sending mixed signals etc etc..." The TRO sends a clear message. Also under no circumstance call him, talk with him, meet with him anything. If she wants to end this safely it can be done fairly safely but she cannot waffle and has to be 100% commited. That seems to be the hardest part for people.

    Oh yeah, get a gun, training and range time. Even if the guy gets hit by a bus tomorrow there's no reason to be unprepared.
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    Member Array Rusty Bouquett's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hopyard View Post
    She is in trouble.
    Yep, this guy's a sicko.

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