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Wife is against it

This is a discussion on Wife is against it within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; My wife appreciates that I take the responsibility to carry. Hopefully, it's like a fire extinguisher and it never needs to be used. And the ...

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  1. #31
    Member Array cmycek's Avatar
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    My wife appreciates that I take the responsibility to carry. Hopefully, it's like a fire extinguisher and it never needs to be used. And the only time to draw is when you are prepare to fire. She understands the risks and appreciates the benefits. No different than carrying a knife. All my LEO buddies carry 24/7....I wonder why? I'm a surburban middle class college grad who has had friends shot, stabbed, and killed. A convicted sex offender accosted my 10 year old on my suburban 5 acre property. Carry.


  2. #32
    VIP Member Array oakchas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mfcmb View Post
    I have an idea about that that I'll offer. When you and she go out into the world separately (e.g. to your respective jobs) you each are surrounded by your own individual social bubble. You are two separate entities. But when you go out together you both are within one social bubble and have become one entity (in her mind/heart). Therefore she is a party to whatever is in that bubble and to whatever interactions between the inside and outside of that bubble (social interactions). If she is uncomfortable with carrying herself, then she will be uncomfortable with a gun being carried within the joint bubble. To many women, when out with their significant others there is no longer a (mental/emotional) distinction between him and her; there is only "us".

    With my first wife (now deceased) this was manifested as a belief (in her) that society held her responsible for any social errors I made; therefore she was always got very upset if I ever did made a social mistake when we were out together. I was not shooting or carrying when she was alive, so never had *that* issue.

    With my second wife (still alive :-) ) this is manifested as being deeply intertwined in a lovey-dovey way. Like the OP, she trusts me with a gun, and relies upon me for protection, but feels uncomfortable with me carrying when we're out together. I suggest that's because she feels a part of me when we're together, and being part gun-carrier bothers her.
    Not trying to steal the OP's thunder... but for me and mine this makes a lot of sense... She's "old school" in that regard, what I do as a part of the "unit" reflects on her (well or badly)... thanks!
    Rats!
    It could be worse!
    I suppose

  3. #33
    Distinguished Member Array mr.stuart's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hiram25 View Post
    How is she going to feel if the worst happens and one of her kids is injured or worse, knowing your gun was at home because of her?
    That is the truth.My wife and I buy guns together.She understands real life and what can happen.If I were married to someone opposed to my carrying a gun,I would try logic,and be very honest,and listen to her feelings.If we could not come to an agreement,I would carry anyway and let the chips fall where they may.Of course,this is me ,everyone must do what they feel is right.
    Pain is the best teacher,but nobody wants to go to his class.


    When the past smothers the present, there is only desperation. When the future absorbs the present, life stands still. In either case a decision must be made because you only live now and you are only what you are now.

  4. #34
    Member Array jwarren's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cmycek View Post
    A convicted sex offender accosted my 10 year old on my suburban 5 acre property. Carry.
    Not trying to derail here, but on the above, I might have tested the court system on that one.

  5. #35
    Senior Member Array ep1953's Avatar
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    Thank goodness my fiancee not only approves of the fact I carry, she wants to take the class so she can get her HCP as well. I'm one lucky guy.

  6. #36
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    Thanks to all of the good advice.

    Yesterday I carried all day around the house. When we were changing to go out last night I asked her, "I assume you want me to take this off." She said yes but then asked how often I would carry if she did not object. I told her it would be near by at all times in the house (She's ok with that) and it would be concealed on my hip any time I leave the house. She seemed surprised that i felt that way and then said Ok, if that is what you feel you need to do then go ahead.

    I think the reminder that i will already be a target if I feel i need to draw helped (still loved that advice). Also I have been gently bringing it up and discussing her concerns but trying to not be pushy.

    In answer to the questions about her joining me at the range. She has gone once. She refused to shoot my 44 (no surprise there) but with a 9mm she shot a tight group at 10 yards! She asked if that was good and then said ok, I'm done.

    Where she grew up (South of Seattle WA) girls with guns was not common. But she is open to the idea more now that we have moved to Texas. Down here all the ladies she knows shoot.

    It just takes time and paitence.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by buzzed View Post
    Here is the issue, my wife trusts me with a weapon and knows that i am level headed and competent. She knows I don't have a hero or paranoid or tough guy mentality. But she still doesn't want me to carry.

    She says her main concern is in the event that i draw my weapon, I will make myself and my family a bigger target.

    She admits that if cornered she would prefer that i be armed but she still doesn't want me to carry with her and the kids.

    Thoughts?
    After she reads/hears fastk9dad's response (post #7) I would have a conversation with her to get more clarity on her REAL reason for not wanting you to carry with her and the kids, . . .then address that reason.

    [1] Does your wife really trust you with a weapon and know that you are level headed and competent. I mean no personal affront by that - she may not be able/willing to tell you that she has reservations about any of that, or the mentalities you mentioned.

    (It was years before my wife felt OK expressing some of her reservations about me _____and my driving for example )

    [2] Is your wife afraid of guns? . . . maybe that's her real fear here. Does she know they don't go off by themselves?

    [3] Is her statement about "being cornered" a form of deeply wishing that none of you are ever cornered, and that somehow if you aren't carrying a gun it might never happen?

    We don't get to choose if these kinds of things happen to us or our loved ones through no fault of our own. We do have the opportunity to prepare and choose how well we can defend against them if they would occur.

    She may have to face her fear and let you do it anyway. If you are cornered and you are NOT armed what kind of targets would you be?



    HINT: Quack! . . . . . as in sitting ducks.
    "It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end"____Leonardo da Vinci 1452-1519

  8. #38
    Member Array JBinMont's Avatar
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    Trouble never makes an appointment, this is why I carry. I also carry car insurance, home owners insurance, flood insurance and life insurance for the same reason.

    It is much better to have and not need it, to need it and not have it.
    "Trouble Never Makes An Appointment"

  9. #39
    VIP Member Array oakchas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by buzzed View Post
    Thanks to all of the good advice.

    Yesterday I carried all day around the house. When we were changing to go out last night I asked her, "I assume you want me to take this off." She said yes but then asked how often I would carry if she did not object. I told her it would be near by at all times in the house (She's ok with that) and it would be concealed on my hip any time I leave the house. She seemed surprised that i felt that way and then said Ok, if that is what you feel you need to do then go ahead.

    I think the reminder that i will already be a target if I feel i need to draw helped (still loved that advice). Also I have been gently bringing it up and discussing her concerns but trying to not be pushy.

    In answer to the questions about her joining me at the range. She has gone once. She refused to shoot my 44 (no surprise there) but with a 9mm she shot a tight group at 10 yards! She asked if that was good and then said ok, I'm done.

    Where she grew up (South of Seattle WA) girls with guns was not common. But she is open to the idea more now that we have moved to Texas. Down here all the ladies she knows shoot.

    It just takes time and paitence.

    Very good! I'm glad it all worked out.

    My wife has "made me" when it was tucked on my hip in a tuckable. She asked what it (the belt clip) was, I told her it was the clip for the holster on my hip. She kept staring at it, but could not apparently ascertain for certain that I was carrying the weapon.

    I was on my way out alone so she wouldn't have said anything anyway... but she could see that I was probably packing, discreetly. And that may have garnered some points... I think she believes I'd go all wild west or thigh rig when we were out together... Open carry is not an option I choose.

    Unfortunately, discussions about guns get all emotional... As I said before, she's comfortable with the guns in our nightstands, like they're a fact of life... and she can shoot, and enjoys it to a degree. But the carry issue is deadly territory.
    Rats!
    It could be worse!
    I suppose

  10. #40
    Member Array CUTigers's Avatar
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    What kind of holster do you use? I would go with a very good concealment holster so something like at minimum a IWB. If you could keep her from seeing it then you might be able to win her over faster. I only say this because it sounds like you have to use clothing in order for you to stay concealed. This is a touchy subject with a lot of people but maybe even have a smaller gun for when you with her vs when your just carrying that way it is that much more out of mind out of sight. Then after awhile you could re introduce the bigger caliber handgun. Not too many options left out there to help you out after reading all the other posts. I am in the same boat as you so this is what I plan on doing if it becomes a bigger issue than it is right now.

  11. #41
    Distinguished Member Array AKsrule's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by buzzed View Post
    I have my CHL in Texas and am properly trained with a weapon, and the use of deadly force (Was in the Marines).

    Here is the issue, my wife trusts me with a weapon and knows that i am level headed and competent. She knows I don't have a hero or paranoid or tough guy mentality. But she still doesn't want me to carry.
    She says her main concern is in the event that i draw my weapon, I will make myself and my family a bigger target.
    She admits that if cornered she would prefer that i be armed but she still doesn't want me to carry with her and the kids.
    Thoughts?
    Given your personality and training you should get a Friend or Relative she trusts to EXPLAIN to her that her FEAR is not rational .

    -------
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    "If I walk in the woods, I feel much more comfortable carrying a gun. What if you meet a bear in the woods that's going to attack you? You shoot it."
    {Bernhard Goetz}

  12. #42
    VIP Member Array smolck's Avatar
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    I don't want to thread jack here, but funny thing happened. My new holster came, my wife said "I don't want you carrying that thing anywhere near the kids". Things did not go well as I pointed out that I am within the law and can do what I choose. I also pointed out my pistol won't shoot itself and that I was qualified to carry and handle it. We'll likely have more discussions, but she just left with the kids to get dinner. I put my gun on and I will see if she even notices I have it when she gets back. My gut says she won't. I'll report back but I am not happy about this. I don't like being questioned. I am the sole provider in my house and have been for 9 years. I feel I should be allowed to do what I choose as long as it is not a danger to my family. I even said "If I thought for 2 seconds it was a danger to our family, I wouldn't carry it" but that wasn't good enough. Oh good grief!

  13. #43
    VIP Member Array oakchas's Avatar
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    BTDT smolck. I understand your feelings about being the sole provider, the man of the house, and all.
    As a married man, you are a partner... Maybe not even an equal partner. Even if you are sole financial support for the family, you are not taking into account the value of the services rendered by your spouse.

    I do know this, I would do anything to keep anything bad from happening to my wife (or the kids when they were still around the house), and I would feel horrible if anything did happen to them and I was unprepared to stop it, or at the very least, mitigate the harm done by it. If that's also the way you feel, you might tell her that, face to face, eye to eye, and LISTEN to her response.

    Some things to consider...
    If you don't have working smoke detectors in the house, fix them and get more if needed... If you don't have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, get one. Take some time and do a fire drill with the kids and her. Show them that their safety and well being is a major concern of yours.

    And don't talk about or show your guns for a bit. Except to show her that you are putting it away, in a safe that the kids cannot open.

    Talk to them about answering the door (don't know the age of your kids) if they can't see out the peep hole, tell them not to open the door, get mom or dad.

    After some time, talk to her again... tell her you learned an interesting fact... That the chances of having a house fire in this country are about 1 in 320...Not necessarily a deadly fire, but a house fire... And you are sure glad you got that fire extinguisher and the smoke detectors working, and how much better it makes you feel that they are safer, even when you're away.

    After more time passes, you learn another little fact... that the odds in this country of dying from firearms assault are about 1 in 314... according to the National Safety Council it's the 7th leading cause of death in this country. Maybe having a gun isn't such a bad idea honey, I'd sure hate to have anything happen to you or the kids, especially if I were with you and could have done something to stop it...

    All this while you have been showing here that her safety and the safety of the kids is the most important thing to you... That it would break your heart if anything were to happen to them because you were negligent in making sure you had the means to protect and save them.

    It will take a while... and you might see that she comes around to seeing that the world is not all lollipops and candycanes, that she and the children are fortunate to have someone that cares for them so much.

    Now, it sounds emotional... and it is touchy-feely... but the goal here is to win hearts and minds... not to "do what you have every right to do, because you wear the pants in this family." You're better off with someone who has your back, than with someone who doesn't trust you... and for whatever reason, right now, she doesn't... (that's not to say she mistrusts you... she just doesn't know whether this is some testosterone based macho mid-life crisis need... to have these guns around... or that you honestly care for her safety and the kids' and only want safety for them)

    Good luck... I'm still in the process myself.
    Rats!
    It could be worse!
    I suppose

  14. #44
    VIP Member Array smolck's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oakchas View Post
    BTDT smolck. I understand your feelings about being the sole provider, the man of the house, and all.
    As a married man, you are a partner... Maybe not even an equal partner. Even if you are sole financial support for the family, you are not taking into account the value of the services rendered by your spouse.

    I do know this, I would do anything to keep anything bad from happening to my wife (or the kids when they were still around the house), and I would feel horrible if anything did happen to them and I was unprepared to stop it, or at the very least, mitigate the harm done by it. If that's also the way you feel, you might tell her that, face to face, eye to eye, and LISTEN to her response.

    Some things to consider...
    If you don't have working smoke detectors in the house, fix them and get more if needed... If you don't have a fire extinguisher in the kitchen, get one. Take some time and do a fire drill with the kids and her. Show them that their safety and well being is a major concern of yours.

    And don't talk about or show your guns for a bit. Except to show her that you are putting it away, in a safe that the kids cannot open.

    Talk to them about answering the door (don't know the age of your kids) if they can't see out the peep hole, tell them not to open the door, get mom or dad.

    After some time, talk to her again... tell her you learned an interesting fact... That the chances of having a house fire in this country are about 1 in 320...Not necessarily a deadly fire, but a house fire... And you are sure glad you got that fire extinguisher and the smoke detectors working, and how much better it makes you feel that they are safer, even when you're away.

    After more time passes, you learn another little fact... that the odds in this country of dying from firearms assault are about 1 in 314... according to the National Safety Council it's the 7th leading cause of death in this country. Maybe having a gun isn't such a bad idea honey, I'd sure hate to have anything happen to you or the kids, especially if I were with you and could have done something to stop it...

    All this while you have been showing here that her safety and the safety of the kids is the most important thing to you... That it would break your heart if anything were to happen to them because you were negligent in making sure you had the means to protect and save them.

    It will take a while... and you might see that she comes around to seeing that the world is not all lollipops and candycanes, that she and the children are fortunate to have someone that cares for them so much.

    Now, it sounds emotional... and it is touchy-feely... but the goal here is to win hearts and minds... not to "do what you have every right to do, because you wear the pants in this family." You're better off with someone who has your back, than with someone who doesn't trust you... and for whatever reason, right now, she doesn't... (that's not to say she mistrusts you... she just doesn't know whether this is some testosterone based macho mid-life crisis need... to have these guns around... or that you honestly care for her safety and the kids' and only want safety for them)

    Good luck... I'm still in the process myself.
    Great post and lots to think about, put into practice, and ponder. Thanks, great stuff!

  15. #45
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    There are always some number (let's call it x) of things and types of things in the "un-negotiable" category. Maybe you need to evaluate and decide whether or not you need to put carrying in there.

    Education will likely help. How could a reasonable person not come to the conclusion that carrying is the way to go - for some - if not for themselves.

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