New Permit holder - conflicted feelings
I have had my permit for about 2 weeks now. I have conflicting feelings about carrying all the time. A bit of background.. I am in my 30s and until this year never had much exposure to guns. No strong feelings either way. Shot some when I was a kid, but never as a adult, till recently. Since the beginning of this year I have become very much aware of the increasingly chaotic times we live in. I decided then for various reasons, that I needed a way to protect myself and my family. I have also invested in other survivalist things such as food and water. That is not really related to this forum, but it is the original reason I decided to buy a gun.
Knowing how little I knew, I have done my best to learn as much as I can. I decided the next logical step from gun ownership for self defense is a concealed carry permit. So I did my homework. More importantly I have thought long and hard about the responsibility's of carrying and the potential consequences of doing so. I have made my decision and I intend to carry 100% it is legal to do so.
The problem I am having is since I started carrying I have been feeling slightly paranoid and focusing way too much on negative thoughts. In some aspects of my thinking it has been beneficial. I pay more attention to my surroundings and the words avoidance and alternatives have become somewhat of a mantra. No problems there. However I often find myself thinking, "I have never needed a gun before today, why now?" I know, the whole you dont plan on wrecking your car, but you still wear a seat belt argument, boy scout motto, etc..
You see my main problem with this is I believe that we manifest in our reality, that witch we choose to see. The more I focus on a thing, the more I see a thing. So I end up arguing with myself in my head. Why do you think you need to carry this gun with you everywhere I go?
I have lots of good reasons. I am sure I dont need to convince anyone here of why its a good idea.
If I were not carrying and something were to happen to my loved ones I might have been able to stop, I am not sure I could forgive myself for that. It's thoughts like these on one side. Since I started carrying I find myself questioning the decision everyday, and feeling a little crazy for it, on the other side.
Not really sure what my question is...
I am looking for thoughts I guess. Has anyone else struggled with conflicting feelings like these? Did my best to try and put my feelings into words. Hope I made them clear enough for understanding. Thanks for any thoughts.