New Permit holder - conflicted feelings

This is a discussion on New Permit holder - conflicted feelings within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; Hi all, I have had my permit for about 2 weeks now. I have conflicting feelings about carrying all the time. A bit of background.. ...

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    New Member Array skandranon's Avatar
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    New Permit holder - conflicted feelings

    Hi all,

    I have had my permit for about 2 weeks now. I have conflicting feelings about carrying all the time. A bit of background.. I am in my 30s and until this year never had much exposure to guns. No strong feelings either way. Shot some when I was a kid, but never as a adult, till recently. Since the beginning of this year I have become very much aware of the increasingly chaotic times we live in. I decided then for various reasons, that I needed a way to protect myself and my family. I have also invested in other survivalist things such as food and water. That is not really related to this forum, but it is the original reason I decided to buy a gun.

    Knowing how little I knew, I have done my best to learn as much as I can. I decided the next logical step from gun ownership for self defense is a concealed carry permit. So I did my homework. More importantly I have thought long and hard about the responsibility's of carrying and the potential consequences of doing so. I have made my decision and I intend to carry 100% it is legal to do so.

    The problem I am having is since I started carrying I have been feeling slightly paranoid and focusing way too much on negative thoughts. In some aspects of my thinking it has been beneficial. I pay more attention to my surroundings and the words avoidance and alternatives have become somewhat of a mantra. No problems there. However I often find myself thinking, "I have never needed a gun before today, why now?" I know, the whole you dont plan on wrecking your car, but you still wear a seat belt argument, boy scout motto, etc..

    You see my main problem with this is I believe that we manifest in our reality, that witch we choose to see. The more I focus on a thing, the more I see a thing. So I end up arguing with myself in my head. Why do you think you need to carry this gun with you everywhere I go?

    I have lots of good reasons. I am sure I dont need to convince anyone here of why its a good idea.

    If I were not carrying and something were to happen to my loved ones I might have been able to stop, I am not sure I could forgive myself for that. It's thoughts like these on one side. Since I started carrying I find myself questioning the decision everyday, and feeling a little crazy for it, on the other side.

    Not really sure what my question is...

    I am looking for thoughts I guess. Has anyone else struggled with conflicting feelings like these? Did my best to try and put my feelings into words. Hope I made them clear enough for understanding. Thanks for any thoughts.
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  3. #2
    Senior Member Array Lewis128's Avatar
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    It's a process. Most everyone here was where you are now at some point. Most of the first year after I got my permit, I still didn't carry. But knowing I had the option was something.
    Getting used to the idea was a significant change. And so was getting used to the weight of it.
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    Member Array PainCakesx's Avatar
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    I can relate. I'm also very new to CCW.

    I also have the dilemma of being younger and living in a liberal area due to college, meaning that people are much less accepting here of CCW than other places. There is definitely some stigma socially attached to CCW where I currently am, which is why I typically don't tell anybody when I'm carrying.

    I am trying to get used to having a gun on me - I know the motto is that you should always carry, but I find that just diving into it is a little bit tough. So, for me, I'm trying to work myself up to the point where I may be comfortable carrying all the time. Typically, if I'm going somewhere that is generally less populated or at night, I'll carry. I'm getting more used to it, and hopefully it will become like second nature in the future.

    Like you, I definitely try to remind myself that failing to defend myself or those I care about would be guilt that I'm not sure I could deal with. Trying to balance the social stigmas of carrying with taking responsibility for my own safety is a difficult one for me, and one I'm trying to come to terms with.

    That said, I'm very happy to have a CCW and having the option to carry when I feel I wish to is definitely a good thing.

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    New Member Array Tyrenz's Avatar
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    Thank you for your post!

    I am almost in the exact same situation you are. I too have recently purchased my first handgun. I too started to prep food and water (just the basics) after reading some posts in survivalist forums. I also JUST received my CCW permit and haven't carried concealed yet

    I am totally on board with what you're saying. I've sat a long time just looking at my CCW permit, asking myself "why?" I too hear the 'seatbelt argument' and really, got my permit and handgun to ensure my family's safety.

    It's late and I really don't have a point to any of this lol. Just wanted to say thanks knowing that someone out there is having a similar experience.
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    Member Array Hubs's Avatar
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    Is it possible that you may be feeling a little self-conscious knowing that you are carrying a gun...to be used for self defense? You may actually be feeling a little exposed with your gun on your hip. Trust me, people will not notice your gun as long as it is concealed properly. The things people carry on their waist nowadays is full of cellphones and beepers and etc. Just maintain your awareness of your surroundings and yes, carrying a gun is a huge responsibility. Self defense with a gun is to be used ONLY in cases of dire need. Good luck!
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    Distinguished Member Array kelcarry's Avatar
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    Hey skandranon: Excellent post and very-well stated. I agree with everything you had to say. I purchased first firearm about 2 years ago after never having even touched a firearm in 67 years. I purchased not so much for everyday defense but because I have lost a great deal of faith in the government we have in Washington that is lurching to a fascist 1930s Germany and I will not be a sheep like so many were. I do not know where you live so it is hard to say what you should do. Some repliers on this forum sound like they live in the middle of Detroit or Bagdhad and I feel sorry for them. Others live in remote areas where self-defense makes sense. I live and have always lived in upper middle class areas and I consider it a blessing that the need for a firearm has never been or considered a priority on a 24/7 basis. In my case, I carry in my car (road rage) and I try to carry at night. The only problem I have at night is that the places I am going (restaurant serving alcohol or religious venue) are off-limits for CC and that walk back to a parked car becomes a problem. As others have said--give it time--you will find your "niche" be it 24/7 like many or more occassional like myself. God Bless brother.
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    The paranoid feeling will disappear, but being more aware of your surroundings is 'good'.
    Soon you will think of your firearm as a watch, a wallet, or a cell phone...just part of the needed tools for the trip.
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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    Bottom line - The government has specifically disavowed any responsibility for your personal safety or that of your family - Warren v DC, et. al. SCOTUS has stated that your personal safety is your responsibility. The 2A gives us a tool to apply as the tool last resort to fulfill that responsibility.

    How we choose to defend ourselves is a personal decision. I realize that if I don't protect myself and my loved ones, the world (as a whole) will hardly care if we are taken out. This is not an apocalyptic view, it is the way things are.
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    "When governments fear the people there is liberty. When the people fear the government there is tyranny." Thomas Jefferson

    You are only paranoid until you are right - then you are a visionary.

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    VIP Member Array shockwave's Avatar
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    Your perception here is quite valid: We manufacture our own reality.

    If you've gotten this far through life without having engaged in any violent gun battles, why start gearing up for one now? Crime statistics show that, in pretty much every state, we're at generational lows. It sure isn't like we're in some special dangerous days now. We aren't.

    Remember those Chowchilla kidnappers? They grabbed a whole school bus full of kids, buried 'em alive. And Carlos the Jackal hijacking cruise ships, throwing people overboard - it used to be rough out there. You had crazy Manson families, the Symbionese Liberation Army - not like it was all angels and lollipops, not like we're in some new, crazy scary time.

    What's different is the Internet and the speed of communications. If you have a Twitterfeed and have it set up right, you know pretty much what's happening everywhere, in real time. And people like to report bloodshed and drama. It can make you paranoid.

    The other thing is that carrying or not carrying shouldn't be a major transition. I've found that training in IPSC has made me more relaxed with my firearms. The self-defense mindset is a 360-degrees kind of thing. You are preparing for the unknown, and your imagination can build monsters in your mind that can plague you worse than the real thing. Finding the appropriate balance of being prudent and prepared without being jittery and jumpy is a challenge we all confront on our own terms.
    "It may seem difficult at first, but everything is difficult at first."

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    New Member Array Timb's Avatar
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    Being that I live out in the country in Pennsylvania, I'm now carrying due to the long response time of authorities if something goes down. My area is a relatively older community, but the youth around here are getting worse.

    It used to be the usual marijuana smokers and sometime the occasional stolen push mower or something from a garage. Now I have to worry about meth addicts breaking in to steal anything they can get for drug money, I've had numerous friends (and parents of friends) who have had break-ins, and other similar situations.

    Unfortunately, I really don't see things getting any better.
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    Senior Member Array Chad Rogers's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shockwave View Post
    And Carlos the Jackal hijacking cruise ships, throwing people overboard
    Did Carlos ever actually do that? I thought it was a Palestinain commando that did it, not Carlos.

    But while we are on the subject let me tell you a little story. Many years ago, in the mid-1980s, I met an elderly Jewish woman who was on that ship. She was # 8 on that "hit list." She told me that Leon Klinghoffer was the nastiest man she had ever met and that, despite the fact he was in a wheelchair, his behavior made it very easy for them to put him at the top of the list for execution.

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    I have never had that "paranoid" feeling, but I am sure it will disappear very soon; do not worry.

    Quote Originally Posted by retsupt99 View Post
    The paranoid feeling will disappear, but being more aware of your surroundings is 'good'.
    Soon you will think of your firearm as a watch, a wallet, or a cell phone...just part of the needed tools for the trip.
    That is 100% correct
    "The Second Amendment: America's Original Homeland Security"

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    Senior Member Array Lewis128's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by retsupt99 View Post
    The paranoid feeling will disappear, but being more aware of your surroundings is 'good'.
    Soon you will think of your firearm as a watch, a wallet, or a cell phone...just part of the needed tools for the trip.
    I'm certain retsupt99 doesn't mean it will STOP being significant. But that your worry level will diminish.
    Be vigilant.

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    VIP Member Array BugDude's Avatar
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    It's a big responsibility and you are taking it seriously. That's a good sign on many accounts. It should not be taken lightly. You have used good reason, logic, and judgement in your decision making process. You are seeking out education and knowledge. You need to find good hands-on training also. I wold also recomend carrying a non-lethal option like pepper spray. When your ONLY tool is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. If 99% of the time we don't need to employ a SD device, then there's probably a large percentage of the little bit of time left that a good SD spray would be sufficient. I like having various levels of SD available. It's all about doing what you need to do to get the heck out of dodge...not hanging around to fight the fight.

    You'll become less fixated on it as you become used to carrying to the point where you don't really think about it as you are going through your day. It's like when you got your first cell phone. I'm to a point it is almost like the spare tire on my truck....I know it is there if I ever need it, and I wouldn't want to go anywhere without it, but I don't think much about it as I am driving here and there.
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    [QUOTE=Hubs;1927840]Is it possible that you may be feeling a little self-conscious knowing that you are carrying a gun...to be used for self defense? You may actually be feeling a little exposed with your gun on your hip. Trust me, people will not notice your gun as long as it is concealed properly. The things people carry on their waist nowadays is full of cellphones and beepers and etc. Just maintain your awareness of your surroundings and yes, carrying a gun is a huge responsibility.

    "Self defense with a gun is to be used ONLY in cases of dire need. "

    This is a great post. I think everyone goes thru stages. I have been around guns all my life but the day I started carrying I felt odd. I think it is a mental thing that you know the gun you are carrying is there, you need to be more responsible than ever, and then the worry of what if I do need to use the gun. I also agree that I have gone all these years without even one conflict in life but that is like anything. I also have never broken any bones in my body. That's not to say I won't fall after typing this on the way to the kitchen. Things happen. You can be prepared or not. Your choice. By getting a CCW you chose to be prepared.

    For me it was a matter of finding something I could carry very comfortably ever single day. Until I did I found myself making excuses. I bought a Kahr 380 with a pocket holster and an IWB holster. I now use the holster that makes it easiest for my clothes and mood but I have my gun on me everyday and even at home. I have become comfortable. Something I do not do with a 1911 compact or even my EMP 9mm. Just to heavy and bulky.

    My final thought is why I quoted HUBS. You carry all the time, what you do not need to think about is pulling the gun just because of an altercation or just because you have one. Think of it as HUBS says, "Only in dire need" A last resort. It is now down to you or them! When I get my mind around that part it becomes like any tool, glad I have it for that exacting moment. To the original post. I can not imagine that one bad moment happening and it is the one day I did not carry. So how do I now protect my wife and sons? That my friends will not happen! Like a boy scout I am prepared and I do practice and run drills at home often so I can hopefully think clearly if that day ever comes. Thanks for opening this topic up.
    It's not a problem til they make it one!

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