wife's perspective

This is a discussion on wife's perspective within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; My husband wants to conceal and I don't want him to. At this point we've both dug in our heels and need help. My husband ...

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    New Member Array other side's Avatar
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    wife's perspective

    My husband wants to conceal and I don't want him to. At this point we've both dug in our heels and need help.
    My husband didn't get a girl who was afraid of guns. I grew up around guns but of the hunting variety. I wouldn't say I'm a gun expert but I can shoot a deer, dove, no problem. I enjoy going hunting or shooting skeet. But the longer I'm married to my husband the less I want to have to do with guns and it's not really the guns that I oppose. He didn't really get into concealed carry or self-defense (other then your basic, i know where the shot gun is when we hear weird noises at night) until several years into our marriage.
    There are many reason's why I don't want him to carry but my heels really dug down deep by him not being honest to me about why he wants particular guns (always for hunting or such, until he starts to talk about them with someone else), him concealing with me after we came to a reluctant agreement that he wouldn't do it around me, and me not feeling like he takes care of his guns and is responsible with them.

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    Member Array Aaron1100us's Avatar
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    We need to know more about whats going on. You say he doesn't take care of his guns and is no responsible with them. Can you elaborate on that? Is he unsafe? If so, how? If he insists that he carries and you don't think he is safe, can you talk him into a gun safety class?

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    Ma'am, bear in mind that I have never been married in my life, as far as the carrying issue, it sounds to me like some quality training is needed, both on his part so that he can learn to be more responsible, and for you, so that you can understand more about carrying concealed and self defense issues. No offense meant, everyone needs to start learning somewhere.

    However, it sounds like there are deeper issues, and this is just the focal point of the argument for now.
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    Hum, we currently have a half opened hard case with two shotguns hanging out on the floor of our closet, about 4 dozen rusted shot gun shells in the garage from being stored to close to wet fishing stuff, and doesn't always clean them after shooting them. His pistols are in cases but the rifles and shotguns that we have are only in cases because either I bought them or bullied him into buying. He knows basic gun safety, just not how to best care for them, a lot of it based on the cluttered style of his parents. Maybe I'm wrong but Dad always kept his guns in cases, they traveled in cases (not wrapped in beach blankets), they had trigger locks on them when traveling or when they might be around cousins or stuff, and everything was well organized. He knows gun safety, it's more storage and maintence that bugs me.

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    I can understand your issue with him not taking care of his guns, but that doesn't address your concerns with him carrying a handgun. Can you elaborate any on the how and why he started carrying and your issues with not wanting him to? That history would certainly be helpful in gaining some insight and advising accordingly. I have been married for 18 years, had some guns my whole life, and just started really getting back into shooting, buying guns, and carrying the last several years. My wife was less than enthusiastic, but over time I have demonstrated that I take it seriously, take safety seriously, and she does not have any concern about it anymore. She's actually feels safer at times because she knows I'm carrying. Are your issues with handguns and carrying handguns in general or him not demonstrating good judgement? Does the core of your concern lie more with him than the guns?
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    VIP Member Array Brass63's Avatar
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    Hey other side...
    I admire your willingness to join a pro-carry forum in order to discuss this conflict with your husband.
    And BugDude is asking the right questions.
    I hope you'll stick around DC...maybe we can help you sort out your thoughts and concerns.
    Just wanted to sincerely welcome you.
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    Gun storage - How did your husband store his guns prior to your getting cases? Some cases - foam lined - may hold moisture and be harmful for long-term storage. Beach towels may be more beneficial to the guns than some cases. I admit rusted shells in the garage sound like a problem, but is this a pattern or one time thing? I would suggest a proper gun safe for the storage as this will aid in both securing and enhancing the life of the guns.

    While cleaning your weapons after use is a good habit to be in, with modern non-coroding ammo, failing to clean your guns after light use will not generally result in any long-term issues for the guns. Now, if they are wet, muddy or otherwise in need of care that would be a different issue.

    It does sound like there are other issues at play here, but I agree with the above posters, I have not heard anything that addresses the carry issue. I realize that you are trying to share as little locational info as possible for obvious reasons, but, without revealing the state, can you tell us the basic requirements for training that your state has to obtain a CCW license - he does have a license (assuming your state requires one) - right?
    Last edited by ksholder; May 13th, 2011 at 02:47 PM. Reason: clarification
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    Quote Originally Posted by other side View Post
    Hum, we currently have a half opened hard case with two shotguns hanging out on the floor of our closet, about 4 dozen rusted shot gun shells in the garage from being stored to close to wet fishing stuff, and doesn't always clean them after shooting them. His pistols are in cases but the rifles and shotguns that we have are only in cases because either I bought them or bullied him into buying. He knows basic gun safety, just not how to best care for them, a lot of it based on the cluttered style of his parents. Maybe I'm wrong but Dad always kept his guns in cases, they traveled in cases (not wrapped in beach blankets), they had trigger locks on them when traveling or when they might be around cousins or stuff, and everything was well organized. He knows gun safety, it's more storage and maintence that bugs me.
    Rusted shotgun shells are actually very common in my experience. If they're stored for any period of time in a humid environment, they're a goner. Airtight ammo cans and silica gel packs will prevent that during long term storage. That really doesn't sound unsafe to me, more of a storage issue. As for having guns in cases, not everybody does. I have several guns that aren't, but I guess the big question would be if they're all loaded, or just the home defense guns, and are children a factor? Maybe consider getting a gun rack for the wall, or even a decorative gun cabinet, so he has somewhere to keep them organized, but within plain view. I've never really been a fan of individual cases, because if one "goes missing," you don't know it until you go to use that specific gun. I have a rack in my room for the guns I use the most, a small safe on my dresser for my handguns, and a cabinet in the living room for the rest of the collection. I also have a couple guns in the closet, and my Dad keeps several under his bed in soft cases. I have been known to throw a couple rifles in the back seat without cases, but that's why I eventually bought a rifle rack for my truck. That's another possibly helpful solution, if he has a truck. Trigger locks are an annoyance, IMO. If they're not around kids, it isn't a big deal. If they are, you're better off teaching the kids early that they aren't toys. I can't remember EVER seeing a trigger lock when I was growing up, and we always had 2 dozen or so guns in the house. I'm still alive. As for cleaning, my Dad has guns that haven't been cleaned in 10 years. He was shooting one of those a few months ago, without a problem. I don't advise that on anything other than an SKS or a Glock, but it isn't always a problem. If he cleans them occasionally, it really isn't a big deal. As I've been told before, "You never know if a clean gun will fire." That's why I clean my guns and then put a few magazines through them before I carry them.

    There's a lot of factors there, but none of them are really a safety issue. You say that he knows safety, but the storage and maintenance bugs you. If that's the case, there is no reason that he shouldn't carry around you. You said yourself that he's safe, so what is your exact problem with him carrying? I think there's a little more to this than we're getting.

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    My view is that your husband is the leader of the home and doesn't need your permission to carry a gun. He gets his authority from a Higher Power and has a great responsibility to protect his family. That said, perhaps he needs some training and you should strongly, but gently, encourage that. But "digging in your heals" is the wrong method.

    That's my 2 cents from a married man.

    P.S. 1st time poster. Been lurking for a few weeks.

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    My wife and I married at 19 years of age. She came from a hunting family and she and I have hunted together often. She has no issues with long guns, but was uncomfortable around handguns, of which I have many. I began carrying in the late 1980s (we are 56 years old now) as my work required me to go into some pretty tough areas. I explained to her that it was my responsibility to come home every night to her and our 4 children ----- she went along, but not happily. Three times I've pulled a pistol and it got me home safe; never had to pull the trigger. Then came a change in opinion -- for her. We were out with another couple driving around in a rented mini van. My wife and the other lady were in the back seat. We pulled into a 7 eleven which was in a nice neighborhood and there were some people going into the store who did not fit the area. As my male friend and I were getting out of the van to go into the store, I opened the glove box door and told my wife, "There's the gun. If you need to point it and shoot". We went into the store and were in the middle of a robbery. There were no guns so my fiend and I helped others chase the bad guys (3 of them) out of the store, were a fight ensued. I did not pull my weapon.

    When I returned to the van, my wife was in the front seat with the pistol in her hand and she was ready. Had the fight gone the wrong way or had a bad guy tried to highjack her, she would have defended herself. She will be getting her CC license this summer and has already purchased a favorite carry gun.

    The point is, you never know!

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    Based on your post, it seems that your objection is not so much about conceal carry, but other issues that you two have. Best to solve those first. Please don't take this personal because I it based purely on the limited information that you posted.

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    Otherside, I'm a woman. And I carry. You have come to the right place to discuss it, and you have some cojones for doing so.

    You are not a second class citizen in your marriage. Remember that, despite what others say.
    But marriage is the art of compromise.

    How well he takes care of his guns and ammo is a smaller problem than : Does he handle himself well under stress? Does he tend to be violent? Can he calm himself, or does he rage on for a time?

    Are you actually afraid of him carrying, or is it just about how he doesn't take care of his belongings? Do you fear him, and his handling of the weapons, or is it just a cleanliness thing?

    These are personal questions, and I don't expect you to answer on a bulletin board. But know the answers in your own heart. That will affect what advice from us fits, and what doesn't.

    If you are not truly afraid of HIM, I suggest you try a compromise: You will be quiet about his carrying, but he has to be an adult about taking care of them. What happens if he fails.... well, that is another matter.
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    Welcome to the forums! I am very new here myself, but I'm not new to conflict resolution. It takes some guts to come here and open yourself up to criticism as well as hoping for support. I'll give my two cents, as best as I can.

    First, you made it clear that he has not been honest with you about why he buys some guns, and he carries around you after agreeing not to. It sounds like he is either, A) Not a very honest guy, and you have good reasons to distrust him all around, or B) You take a dominant, demanding role in the relationship, and he is reacting by doing what he wants and trying not to involve you in his decisions. I have no idea which is the case, but I'd wager one of those two is true.

    Second, it sounds like you are sharing an income stream, or you wouldn't care nearly as much about how he takes care of his tools and possessions (guns, ammo being tools). It sounds like it offends you that he isn't taking great care to maintain and protect the investments he's made. In most marriages that share a checking account, there is one spouse that tends to be spendy, and the other tries to keep it in check, until a balance is found. If it burns you up when he buys a gun, because you just know he's going to neglect it and it will wind up rusted, not cleaned, and ultimately ruined, that is a reasonable beef to have in my opinion.

    Third, if you don't trust him in general, either to be honest with you or to make decisions for your family, I recommend seeking out a Biblical counseling resource. Not religious? I still recommend it, the whole God based thing isn't just a mess of arbitrary rules, it is solid common sense stuff. You might get past a lot of issues in two hours with a Pastor that would take you a decade of spiteful anger simmering away under the surface to get out in the open.

    For what it's worth, I took my skeet gun and 10/22 out wrapped in beach towels most of the time when I was young, and stored them upright in a closet with a sock over each barrel to keep dust out. Cases too often have foam or other non-breathing qualities that just cause rust. I still have lots of long guns in storage with just a gun sock over them because it is the most effective way to keep them safe!

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    Distinguished Member Array Dragman's Avatar
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    Digging in your heals "at least with me" is a bad idea. Most people resent you for it in the long run so why not come up with some kinda middle road??? Go together to self defence classes and be trained in proper shooting, handling, and matinence of the firearms. My woman has on occation gave me the stink eye because I grabbed a gun or two before we got out of the vehicle or left the house, and I just said "look if something crazy happens and a nut job shoots the kids or us and I can't put up I fight what then"
    Last edited by SIXTO; May 14th, 2011 at 07:15 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by other side View Post
    My husband wants to conceal and I don't want him to. At this point we've both dug in our heels and need help.
    My husband didn't get a girl who was afraid of guns. I grew up around guns but of the hunting variety. I wouldn't say I'm a gun expert but I can shoot a deer, dove, no problem. I enjoy going hunting or shooting skeet. But the longer I'm married to my husband the less I want to have to do with guns and it's not really the guns that I oppose. He didn't really get into concealed carry or self-defense (other then your basic, i know where the shot gun is when we hear weird noises at night) until several years into our marriage.
    There are many reason's why I don't want him to carry but my heels really dug down deep by him not being honest to me about why he wants particular guns (always for hunting or such, until he starts to talk about them with someone else), him concealing with me after we came to a reluctant agreement that he wouldn't do it around me, and me not feeling like he takes care of his guns and is responsible with them.
    Ma'am....can you explain your reasons why you don't want him to carry? Is there anyway of mitigating your fears/concerns? Say, if he were to take a training course? It's a common thread here, that if you're going to carry, it's HIGHLY recommended to take a defensive pistol course (the difference between what I'm saying and the typical NRA course is, a defensive pistol course will train you on the employment of your firearm (and your brain) in a controlled environment vs picking up tips from gun range heroes).

    Do you think he's carrying for YOUR protection? If you don't believe that, why not?

    For background, I'm married with a teenager and a school-aged child...I've been carrying for the best part of 17 years...
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