Hopeless situation?

[Andy W.]

I saw the post below on another forum and I honestly don't know what (if any) advice to offer this guy.

Want to conceal carry, but...
When my wife was 17, she received a phone call from a frantic friend asking her to please come pick her up from her boy friends house because they were fighting. So she does and long story short, the crazed boyfriend chases the girl outside with a .45 and unloads on the car my wife is driving. Anyway my wife was struck 3 times in the back and almost died. This was 3 years before we even met.

So shortly after we got married, I sold all my handguns because she was freaked out by them. Fast forward to present time and I really want to start carrying but my wife is against it. She has no problem with long guns, just pistols. Am I an insensitive jackass for even considering getting one? How would y'all handle this?


She did go to counseling before we met. She hesitantly has shot skeet with me, but doesn't want to be anywhere near a pistol.

I think there is more to her fear. We knew a kid accidentally shot and killed by a friend as kids. Having 3 children at home, I think she fears for the worst in that regard. And also living in a virtually crime free, middle to upper class area, she just doesn't see the need. It's not the end of the world for me, but if ever put in harms way, I want to be able to defend my family which means so much to me.

Any thoughts?

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[mr.stuart]

He knew her history when he married her. If counseling will not help I suppose he will go without handguns. Not much help to offer,he married her.

[OldVet]

I think it's going to come down to: which is more important to him--the girl or the handgun. I don't see her changing her views regardless of any argument presented.

My wife has an irrational fear of snakes, yet has never been bitten by one (or anything even remotely close). Nothing I can say or do has had the slightest effect on reducing that fear. Once fear is in the head, it's difficult to erase.

[ccw9mm]

IMO, the person has developed an irrational fear of the one potential use (misuse) of the tool, not the full and complete utility of such a tool.

Quite simply, defense against deadly violence is one of the most useful and laudable features of firearms, most particularly handguns. As with the old adage about Sam Colt: God may have made Man, but Colt made them equal. It's one of the only easily-accessible tools (along with suitable training, prep, mindset) that can help a person to face deadly attack on semi-equal terms; for some, about the only thing that can help a person survive such attack.

If he's going to arm himself first, despite reservations, he's almost certainly going to be in for a trying time with his spouse. If they can get over the hurdles, they might well be able to find a place for sane and rational defensive preparations, even to the point it could include weaponry. But whatever else is true, ignoring the problem is only going to leave them unprotected and unprepared.

[paaiyan]

He needs to do what so many people seem to struggle with: communicate. "Listen, I want to protect you and our kids and I think the best way to do that is to carry concealed. I know you don't like handguns but..." Blah blah blah. Talk. Do it.

[1MoreGoodGuy]

...She has no problem with long guns, just pistols...

Talk to her. Listen to her. Discuss the situation openly and honestly. Share your thoughts and feelings and encourage her to do the same. Explain to her that at home you can protect her and the family with a long gun but to provide the same level of protection when not at home a smaller concealable gun is a necessity.

[gasmitty]

So she went to counseling, that doesn't mean it's over or that it worked. She clearly retains an irrational fear of an inanimate object. So what if the guy had shot at her with a shotgun or a rifle? Would she be afraid of long guns, but not handguns?

I understand the situation; my ex also had an irrational fear of handguns, although for different reasons. Ultimately, her irrationality extended into many more things than just firearms, hence she is my ex. The point here is that irrational beliefs or behaviors are rarely confined to just one narrow thing.

The bigger issue here, is that it appears the wife has taken a hard stand and is unwilling to compromise... and that's a symptom of a gap in the relationship. If a topic or belief is important to one in the marriage, it should by default be important to the other. A complete and total unwillingness to understand the other's beliefs and move toward a middle ground is not a healthy sign.

[Mike1956]

This sounds like a case for Dear Abby.

[kapnketel]

The simple answer to the question is yes.

[jryan630]

Sorry that you in this situation but I agree with some that there are unresolved issues and there needs to be an open line of communication. If both of those are tried and failed you will have to chose the girl or the gun. I don't believe you are there yet.

[archer51]

Unfortunate situation for someone to be in. It appears the person has 3 options. More counseling to resolve her fears, which may or may not work. Going ahead and getting a gun, in spite of her objections, which could very well result in a divorce. The last is to give up the idea of a gun, and concentrating on something non-lethal such as OC/taser (if legal). I wish the person luck.

[Chesafreak]

If it were me having that argument, I would tell her about all of the friends of mine killed in car accidents and demand that she use only public transportation because I am horrified at the thought of her being in danger behind the wheel. Don't you know automobiles are evil and kill people every day?

Minus the part of getting shot at, my fiance used to be that way. She thought we didn't need guns because we live in a nice neighborhood. I asked her when was the last time she watched the news. (She doesn't). We went over the crime stories from the local news station website and she was surprised at how many shootings there are in the general area although our neighborhood is low crime. I also told her about some of the times I needed a gun and didn't have one. The one thing that put it in perspective for her is the day she got all upset because I was driving in the lane right next to an 18 wheeler and she was freaking out because she was once run off the road by one. She said that she fears it will happen again. I told her "Well I was once attacked and needed a gun but didn't have one" and I don't want that to happen again. Now sometimes when were out at night she gets nervous around homeless people and thug types in hoodies who look like theyre just hanging out and up to no good, she puts her arm around my waist and the feel of my gun riding IWB makes her feel safe.

[Hopyard]

She has a simple phobia of an object. Maybe she also has a tad of PTSD left over from the episode.
Look up Anxiety Disorders Association of America. They will likely be able to help you find
a therapist who can treat this type of problem quickly and inexpensively using methods known as
graduated exposure and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Now, if she doesn't want to do that, well as other have written you knew about the problem before you said
"I do." Her situation is unfortunate, but it isn't the biggest problem in the world, so maybe you shouldn't make a super issue of it.

As you well know you don't need a handgun for Home Defense, there are other options, and
you can learn other ways to defend from a Krav course or similar; carry pepper, etc.

Unless you go to high crime areas you probably will be just fine. I don't know what an individual's chance of
being the victim of a gun crime is, but it certainly is low. Let's be realistic, the vast majority of us
will never ever ever draw our gun in SD. So, you can afford to do the risk benefit calculation and indulge her understandable problem.

I just did a little quick research and all I could easily find showed a total of 12000 gun homicides for the year
2000. These figures were not broken down in any way, so I would guess that the vast majority of these
were BG on BG or domestic violence. I'd guess that your individual chance of getting croaked by a BG
is small. Now of course there are innumerable assaults and threats with other weapons, but the handgun
though useful, is not the only way to protect yourself from such.

Tread lightly on this matter or, speaking as an old married man, you WILL PAY.

[retsupt99]

This situation might not be solved for now, but should have been addressed while dating.
I would slowly try to make the wife understand how dangerous the world has become...good luck!
No situation is impossible...

[wingit]

He married and got rid of his handguns knowing this fact. Unless he takes her back to counseling and she changes her mind he's stuck with the shot gun for defense. IMO