Ccw vs wife

This is a discussion on Ccw vs wife within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; May I take a minute to tell you my story and maybe you can share this with your wife. I am a 62 year old ...

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  1. #16
    Member Array farmermom's Avatar
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    May I take a minute to tell you my story and maybe you can share this with your wife. I am a 62 year old women that was widowed 3 years ago. I am a mother of 2 and grandmother of 7. I wasn't raised in the city but had a fear of guns for years due to a marriage when I was very young to a husband that used to hold loaded guns to my head. I also had no idea how to use one or handle one. When my hubby passed away he had a couple of loaded guns in the house. I had to have my son-in-law come over to unlead them. Now what was I going to do with them I thought. 6 months later I lost my dog, my source of protection. I live in a rural area on a small farm and I need something. While I was debating what to do with the guns I figured it was high time to get rid of my fears. I looked around for a shooting teacher. I got very lucky and found an execellent one that was older and very patient. I learned ALL about guns including loading, unloading, cleaning and shooting, and I might add I am damn good at shooting too! I shot that 357 that was in the closet. At the time I was about as low as I could get mentally after also losing my mother just before my husband got sick. Learning to shoot......fighting my fear....gave me confidence and saved my life......so to speak. It gave me some empowerment and gave me my life back. I now LOVE to shoot and go to the local range often. I then purchased a Glock 17.....then a SR22 for plinking and a 410 for all the critters outside. You must get over the fear first and a hubby can't do that for you. You need a trained instructor for that. I now can take care of myself if need be.......what a good feeling!!!!! There are many many women at the range taking lessons. They know they have to depend on themselves......You can't count on someone being with you and your children 24/7. It is empowering.......it is fun.......it is realistic for the world we live in. Good luck to all of you and I hope your wife will reconsider, she won't be sorry. It can also be a sport to share with a hubby. The first time I was suppose to shoot I almost left I was so scared......it's common when you have a fear. Don't let it control you!!!! I know walk with my head held high and a gun on my hip........

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  3. #17
    Member Array 91wm6's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stetson View Post
    Why and hell didn't you know this before you got married.If your wife is already using the d word sounds like your marriage
    has some issues.Why wouldn't you have this settled before you got married. Now she is with child and you can kiss 22% of your gross pay for 18 years if she ever leaves you! I hope for your sake it's just hormones going crazy making her irationable
    Easy man there's no need to be so harshly negative. OP remember your wife has an abundance of hormones coursing through her body right now. Unfortunately that means you probably won't be able to change her mind with rational discussion at this time. You're gonna have to wait until the baby's a little bit older and more independent in general. Usually I wouldn't advise a man to lie to his wife, but I would recommend carrying without telling her for the time being. Get a quality IWB holster and a good belt, and DO NOT let her know you're carrying. Once she levels out emotionally in 6-12 months then you can slowly start exposing her to firearms in a positive manner. If you're patient she will eventually warm up to the idea of you carrying. If not then you need to decide id being married is worth being denied your constitutional rights.

  4. #18
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    I hear ya bro. My wife was just like yours. It only took me 30 years to get through to her. Good luck. Only you can determine your priorities.
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  5. #19
    VIP Member Array Ghost1958's Avatar
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    Cant help ya. My wife began pestering me to buy more firearms when Obama was elected the first timel. I had several money was a bit tight as it always is so I blew her off. Im in a very gun friendly state and I dont see any major changes happening here however I am concerned enough now that I will be picking up private sale firearms as fast as I can afford them and ammo until I reach a level Im comfortable with. Shoulda listened to her back then id be ahead of the curve by now
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  6. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by GlockRock23 View Post
    @ Mike1956 We live in Chillicothe but I go to Columbus everyday. There were a couple ranges I was looking at checking out that are close your way.

    Thanks to everyone else for the fast replies, words of support and helpful info. Definitely what I was looking for!
    I teach classes on not just the NRA Basic Pistol program, but also on concealed carry issues, equipment, methods, safety, deployment, scenarios and concerns. What you are going through isn't uncommon. It is going to be tough for you as a novice to concealed handgunning to assuage her seemingly irreconcilable fears. If you would like some suggestions, drop me a PM.
    "When you have to shoot, shoot, don't talk."
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  7. #21
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    Talk it through. Listen ... truly listen. Evaluate the concerns. Discuss the point of protecting the family from all the threats that exist in our culture. Discuss the responsibility of parents. And then either come to agreement or do what you have to do.

    In the end, you'll still have responsibility as a parent to do everything you can to protect and defend your family. Prayer and pixie dust, as a plan, frankly doesn't go very far when under the upraised knife of a violent felon. You can't very well use what you don't have with you (tools, skills, tactics, a basic plan to defend/adapt).

    Bummer you're being threatened with divorce. Bummer that, apparently, the communication thus far hasn't been sufficient to know the "big" stuff yet, at least insofar as protection of the family goes.

    Might well be hollow threats, grabbing at straws. Might not. But whatever else is true, it's apparent your S.O. is dealing from a position of ignorance and fear, largely based on unwarranted and unjustified fears she's heard of from others, not from first-hand knowledge or experience. And there's a ray of hope in all of that. If she's rational and intelligent, then disabusing her of the pack of lies that has her all tied up in knots is possible; it'll just take much time, carefully, lovingly and respectfully done.

    Good luck.
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  8. #22
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    Peoppe expect spouses to change. People don't change. They may learn to tolerate, but they don't change. The wife is not going to change her views.

    My wife ever threatens me with a divorce, she knows I'm calling her bluff.
    BurgerBoy and KoolBreeze like this.
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  9. #23
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    You are not going to win this one especially while she is pregnant. Stand down or you will eventually lose
    your wife, your child, and your money.
    WyoShooter likes this.
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  10. #24
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    She has threatened divorce if you get near the baby with your gun? That's a serious case of hysteria, control issues and distrust in her own spouse. You two need serious marriage counseling, NOW. There's a bigger problem than a gun one.

    I've had those crazy pregnancy hormones. They tend to enhance and bring out underlying beliefs normally kept to oneself. And then there's a lot of irrational stuff. She believes she is protecting the baby. But she's trying to protect the baby from her spouse who is ALSO trying to protect the baby.
    BurgerBoy likes this.
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  11. #25
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    ...my youngest son is 19...has had his own .38 since 12...the older two had access to my guns since about 8...shot since 9...Mom never knew there was a gun in the house, and they were stashed all over...I carried with license for about 6 months before she noticed...she now has her license and her own snub...but it took 27 years...so we opted not to wait...and lived quietly...she never knew her young sons had her back...

  12. #26
    Senior Member Array GeorgiaDawg's Avatar
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    First of all, congrats on the little one! I'm also about to have my first, so I'm having similar thoughts about safety for my family.

    In my marriage, I have decided to put my relationship with my wife above even our children. I know this might sound strange to many, if not most, but I made vows to God in front of witnesses when I married my wife, and haven't/won't be doing that with my child(ren), though the love will be there for them. With that said, I would make it my duty to improve my relationship with my wife first, even if that means feeling (or being!) less safe for a time. There are sacrifices that we have to make as husbands and fathers, and if you break up your family while trying to protect them, what will you actually be protecting?

    With that said, my wife was hesitant to jump on board when I started "getting into guns". I didn't own a gun when we were first married, and I had actually never shot one before, so it wasn't ever an issue that we discussed. She grew up in the UK and her parents never owned firearms, so her views were biased against them. She didn't have an irrational fear, as many do, but she was afraid.

    I started slowly by talking to her about them and using "gun lingo" to help her get a taste of the culture of guns. From there, I let her hold one after I showed her several times that it was unloaded. She finally did it, but if she refused (due to fear), my next plan was to field strip it and have her hold the lower half, showing that it is just a machine like her hair dryer.

    In my opinion, it's important for her to actually touch the firearm. Until that happens, it's easy (though irrational) for her to think that it doesn't go off when you hold it because you're doing it right, but as soon as she does it, it'll fire because she didn't do it exactly the right way. Even if it means letting her hold the removed slide first, or the barrel after it has been taken out of the gun, it should be a step in the right direction. People tend to fear what they don't understand. She needs to understand what it is and how it works so she won't be afraid to handle it or even to be near it.

    If you can get her to handle one, the next step is to have her actually "use" the gun. If you don't already, I'd suggest getting some snap caps (and explain to her exactly what they are and how they work, i.e., not being live ammo) and have her use them in some dry fire practice. The next step is to take her to the range and shoot a few rounds while letting her watch how it's done and that it's no different than the dry fire practice, save for the noise and recoil. Let her shoot one round to start, then see if she's willing to graduate to a full magazine.

    If you can get her to handle it, that's when you can start teaching her how to do it safely. Some would say to start before she picks one up, but she probably won't listen to you or care about what you are saying if she never plans on touching a gun. The first step is getting her comfortable enough to agree to handle one, even if that means a stripped version of one to start.

    Do what you can to reassure her that her fears are unwarranted, in a gentle and peaceful way. Don't get angry or upset with her, no matter what she says or does. You want to sway her, not force her to see things your way. If she won't budge, then I'd say back off and leave it alone for a while. I know, as a husband and father, and especially as a man, you want to do everything in your power to protect your family. If carrying a firearm is going to create a rift between you and your wife, I'd say give up that idea for now and get some pepper spray and a good knife, and pray that you never need more than that. If she is OK with having a gun in the house for home defense (even if you can't CC it), then that's a step in the right direction, but it needs to be a decision that you both agree on.

    It's tough being a man and trying to do right by those you love. We have to make some hard decisions and live with some brutal consequences at times for doing what we think is the right thing. If you are concerned about doing what is best for your family right now, I'd start with your marriage, then work on protecting your family through mechanical means (firearms). If you have no one to protect, it'll be a moot issue, anyway.

    Good luck!
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  13. #27
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    Take her to a NRA basic pistol class. She'll find out that they are only dangerous if miss handled. It'll curve her lack of knowledge on them all around.
    If you wish for peace, prepare for war.

  14. #28
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    When I met the man who would become my husband, he was not anti gun, but he could not understand my fondness of guns and the amount of guns I owned. We went through a period where he found it worrisome. A relationship must have a firm foundation in trust and commitment and give/take on BOTH sides. If you feel forced to disarm to make her comfortable but she is not willing to trust in you, then there are some major foundation issues that need to be addressed, because a marriage cannot survive where one gives and the other takes and there is distrust.

    I would not disarm to please my husband (although that point is totally moot in my marriage; he now has a carry permit and has a serious case of ooh-I-want-that), because I have a duty to the children I have made. They are the minors, they are the dependents, and they are the ones who look to me for their needs. A dead child, especially one made dead that could have been prevented by a parent, can be disaster to a marriage. The guilt and blame will eat you alive.

    Find counseling, preferably with a female therapist who will make your wife more comfortable from the start. A good therapist will not take sides and will get to the bottom of things. Don't go in with "honey, we're going to fix your attitude." Never go in like it's her fault. You're going in for the both of you.

    And those pregnancy hormones can get worse after birth. Keep a sharp eye on it, and research post partum depression. If you two are having problems now, they may accelerate later. Sometimes hormones don't straighten themselves out after birth and her irrational behavior might get disastrous.
    "Americans have the will to resist because you have weapons. If you don't have a gun, freedom of speech has no power." - Yoshimi Ishikawa

  15. #29
    Member Array Skidboot's Avatar
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    Of a bunch of good responses, this one is probably the best. Your wife's reaction is not born of logic, and no amount of logical persuasion is going to change her mind. I think Betty hits the nail on the head when she says the real issue is trust. If that's not resolved, it's going to find more places to pop up.



    Quote Originally Posted by Betty View Post
    When I met the man who would become my husband, he was not anti gun, but he could not understand my fondness of guns and the amount of guns I owned. We went through a period where he found it worrisome. A relationship must have a firm foundation in trust and commitment and give/take on BOTH sides. If you feel forced to disarm to make her comfortable but she is not willing to trust in you, then there are some major foundation issues that need to be addressed, because a marriage cannot survive where one gives and the other takes and there is distrust.

    I would not disarm to please my husband (although that point is totally moot in my marriage; he now has a carry permit and has a serious case of ooh-I-want-that), because I have a duty to the children I have made. They are the minors, they are the dependents, and they are the ones who look to me for their needs. A dead child, especially one made dead that could have been prevented by a parent, can be disaster to a marriage. The guilt and blame will eat you alive.

    Find counseling, preferably with a female therapist who will make your wife more comfortable from the start. A good therapist will not take sides and will get to the bottom of things. Don't go in with "honey, we're going to fix your attitude." Never go in like it's her fault. You're going in for the both of you.

    And those pregnancy hormones can get worse after birth. Keep a sharp eye on it, and research post partum depression. If you two are having problems now, they may accelerate later. Sometimes hormones don't straighten themselves out after birth and her irrational behavior might get disastrous.

  16. #30
    Member Array Stirling XD's Avatar
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    I'm not one to tell people to give in to someone else's irrational fears, but sometimes it's necessary to loose the battle to win the war. You may need to lock up the gun until she is at the point that she doesn't fly off the handle anytime the word "gun" is mentioned. In other words, let the debate cool. When you feel it's safe to proceed, do so in small steps. Compromise can play an important role here. Make them simple and non-threatening to her even if you feel they are severely unbalanced in her favor. "Honey, I'll wash your car if you promise to read this newspaper article (about the woman that saved her family by shooting the intruder)." Once she has read it say nothing and wash her car. "I'll clean the house if you let me show how the gun works." Then keep it simple, to the point and end it. There should be no live ammo in sight. "I will take a cooking class if you take a shooting class for women taught by a woman." These are just some examples I thought of. Be creative and use your best judgement.

    It sounds like her heels are dug due to years of liberal reinforcement. They will not be loosened quickly. Always remember she is your wife and the mother of your future child and should always be treated as such. Just because you and everyone on this forum see her fears as irrational doesn't make them any less real to her. If the D-word continues to come up, marriage counseling may be needed to help you both learn how to handle marital disagreements.

    These ideas are merely food for thought. Good luck.
    ep1953 likes this.

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