It is your responsibility to protect your family with whatever means are necessary and available......
This is a discussion on Always Carry, Never Tell... Even Your Wife within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; As you can tell from the title, my situation is complicated. I'm happily married to a very loving and caring wife and we are parents ...
As you can tell from the title, my situation is complicated. I'm happily married to a very loving and caring wife and we are parents to a wonderful 2.5 year old daughter. I've always loved guns and owned some .22's and BB guns in my early years. My wife, on the other hand, hates guns. She's fearful of them. I wouldn't call her an "anti" since she doesn't care who owns guns but she struggles with the notion that anyone "needs" guns, let alone a lot of them. To make our relationship work, I bode a secret farewell to my tiny collection of firearms and went these few years unarmed.
So 2.5 years ago, our little daughter came along and 6 months ago Sandy Hook happened. I've always been fearful of violence in our daily lives but Sandy Hook shook the whole nation and struck a very deep cord in me. I could see horrific scenarios of us being robbed at gunpoint or a home invasion and my daughter getting hurt in the process. She means the world to me and so does my wife. Losing one or both of them is something I truly cannot bear. I made the resolve, like a lot of fellow Americans, to not be a victim. I was going to be armed again, whether she liked it or not.
When I bought my shotgun and AR and gathered up enough nerve to tell her about it (aka. ask for forgiveness not permission) it didn't go well. At the end of a trying night, I told her that it's my duty as husband and father to protect our family come hell or high water and I'd take all measures necessary to do it. We had an adult's agreement that she wouldn't ask and I wouldn't tell. She didn't want not know what I bought or owned and I agreed not to tell her. For her, ignorance is bliss.
She also threatened that if she knew I carried, she would forbid me to carry or be close to our daughter. "If" she knew. Again, don't ask don't tell. All this has set up my very weird set of circumstances.
I currently own quite a few guns (I won't mention what or how many but you can pick up on what I have thru my other posts. Any direct questions will lead to claims of boating accidents...), none of which she is privy to. And I got my CPL without her consult or OK. She doesn't want to know. And I don't want to tell. And I sure as heck am not going to stay away from being a parent to my daughter. So I now carry in total secrecy. Even from her! In fact there are only four people who know I carry - my two sponsors (Michigan requires two references for every application/renewal), and two of my most trusted work colleagues. Yes, my very own spouse doesn't know I conceal carry.
I have seen her suspiciously eye the bulge on the side of my hip once or twice when I printed a little but she stopped short of actually asking. I think she knows but would rather not know. She doesn't know when I strap my gun on before going to work or when I "have to go to the bathroom" just before we leave the house so I can grab my piece.
I feel like all of this is very odd and I know, some day, she will find out. One way or the other. It's then that I'll lift the don't-ask-don't-tell curtain and reveal how long I've carried. It may not be a good day but I hope that once she realizes how invisible this whole thing is to her and my daughter, she'll come to terms with it.
Anyway sorry for the long story. I'm curious what everyone's thoughts are on this and if you are going through a weird scenario like mine. It definitely takes concealed carry to an extremely covert level!
EDIT: one day later, I broke the news to my wife that I've been carrying for the past 1 and a half months. She took is surprisingly well. She's OK with me carrying but said she just didn't want to see the gun because it scares her (I'll be fixing this over time!). She also asked me to be sure the gun is always safe and that it'll never have a ND or endanger our daughter. To that I gave her my solemn promise. But she acknowledges that I'm doing this to protect all of us and is fine with that. Needless to say I'm very relieved and very thankful for all the advice I got on this thread! This is truly a great forum!
Last edited by DetChris; May 24th, 2013 at 12:05 AM.
It is your responsibility to protect your family with whatever means are necessary and available......
Being able to sleep well at night is the only reason you need to justify owning at least one firearm. Train safe and train often.
My spouse has come to the point that she expects me to always have a weapon on me. So be it. Work carefully to graduate your spouse to the level of comfort that works for you and she. It takse time.
However, my spouse also knew that I spend a couple of decades in Uncle Sam's Misguided Children's outfit, so was not overly supprised that we take our physical security very seriously.
If I had not offered/not done so before, welcome to the Forum.
First woman I've ever heard of that didn't want to know everything about her man. You could be the luckiest man alive
If you can read this, thank a teacher. Because it's in English, thank a vet
Wow... if she has the least bit of an open mind, have her read some of what our moderator Lima has to say about living in denial versus living in the real world. She speaks from first-hand experience as a victim of violence, and now as a mother. After she reads them, start the conversation again.
Limatunes' Range Diary
NRA Endowment Member
NROI Chief Range Officer
I'm in a somewhat similar situation but not as extreme as yours. My wife hates guns, doesn't understand why someone would need one or especially carry one and will never go to the range with me. However, she does know that I own 2 (1st one she was fine about, 2nd one she questioned a lot and I had to explain that I needed a smaller one for CC due to the way I dress which is almost always business casual). She will definitely not allow me to get a 3rd unless I get rid of 1 of the other 2. And, lastly, she knows I have a permit to carry but of course thinks it's unnecessary.
So, due to her reluctance to accept all of this, I assumed she would have a problem with me carrying everywhere we go; therefore, I hid that fact from her. The other day, we had to visit her mother at the hospital where no firearms are allowed. I told her to go ahead of me while I hid my gun in the glove box. When I caught up to her she said, "I know what you're doing and I don't care as long as you're safe with it".
Your wife may not be as accepting. But, you never know and you may be surprised. And if there's one thing I know about women it's that they would rather you're up front and honest with them instead of hiding facts from them. Just try to explain in great detail that you're absolutely safe and responsible with your firearm.
When I got my ccw my girlfriend didn't really care but believed it would cause an issue out in public. Then one night after returning home from a night on the town she said its more discreet than she thought it would be. She now expects when we go out that I have my gun on me. She's next to get a permit.
At some point, you'll both need to get past the issue. If left to fester, it could be acidic and destructive. Already, it's forcing you to play out a lie.
Might be worthwhile finding a knowledgeable and authoritative female who can speak to such things. The suggestion regarding LimaTunes' videos/postings is a good one, well worth the time. As well, Pax's web site (Kathy Jackson) CorneredCat.com is another that offers up a good perspective. Paxton Quigley also has a number of books she has written on the subject of being female and refusing to be a victim.
I can emphasize with your situation. I just made the decision to become armed last year while my wife and kids were out of country for 6 weeks. She was ok with it and I've made many purchases sence without asking. I have my permit to carry and open carry in our home. She's not thrilled but accepts it and although she won't admit it she dose feel safer. Once we had a "bump" in the night and she was happy with the sight of a gun.
I will caution to keep things in perspective though. What your children need most are parents that communicate and provide a good model for relationships. I don't want to sound like I'm preaching to you but many more kids are victims of divorce than school shootings or home invasions. Here feeling about guns and your desire to protect the family could cause problems if not proactively delt with.
Do you have any mutual friends that might be into shooting. If you could get her out with another female to shoot that might help. It's clear to us that she is irrational about the need to be armed. From our perspective the points we bring up will not matter untill she has got over whatever hang up she has with guns. I would try to bring another trusted confidant that she respects into the discussion. Could be a long time friend, pastor, or even a marriage consoler if need be. IMHO this issue can't be left to don't ask, don't tell.
Image this scenario. You are on your way to your inlaws for thanksgiving or going to a family reunion, maybe even a funeral. There you print or become exposed and the top blows off. Why do you need to be armed around her family?
Again I don't want to sound like a know it all, lord knows my mariage has its own issues. I just can't imagin haveing to go through life hiding concealed carry from my wife.
I am fortunate that my wife expects me to carry. However, if I were single, I'd make sure she knows where the line in the sand is. Carrying and home defense is one of the biggest issues of my life, and if she can't be comfortable with it while we're dating, then we sure as hell ain't gettin' married.
A CCW is like a parachute; if you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again.
Many people get nervous when confronted by something new and (potentially) dangerous. Not to trivialize her concerns, but I imagine she doesn't worry nearly as much about driving on the freeway as she does about being near a gun, and I find that somewhat funny. A .357 Magnum from a four-inch barrel, ~600 ft-lb of kinetic energy; that loaded semi with a somewhat sleepy driver tailgating your car at 60mph, ~10,000,000 ft-lb of kinetic energy. Yet most people don't freak out as much over the presence of a truck as they do over a gun, because it's routine to them and, therefore, perceived to be safe.
I think you're on the right track, in that she'll probably come around once she becomes accustomed to the idea. I tend to think it's a bit unhealthy to just "not talk about it," but I won't presume to pass judgment without knowing all the facts. The important thing is, be safe, and keep your family safe, and that's what you're doing.
Ah wife can be ah pernickety situation at times. You can be facing ah "loser`lose" situation at anytime as most times; we are mostly the underdog.
I always tell my wife that: "ah happy Queen . . . is ah peaceful King`dumb"!
Also "first your Mom raises you, then, you marry one"!
And I always get the last word in too: "yes Dear"!
So I always 'Pick One of the Following' In rebuttal to some questions asked:
Sometimes; "Don't Ask . . . Don't Tell" is the way too go ~ Dear.
I'd rather have it & not need it ~ then need it & not have it ~ Dear.
If done discretely; no one will be none the wiser ~ Dear.
You want the truth? You can't handle the truth . . . . . Dear.
Am I carrying what? Are you sure you want too know? Because there is no right answer that will appease us both you know Dear!
Most mothers I know are supportive of their husbands carrying guns when they have kids. It is just a matter of gun education. People fear what they do not know. My wife hated guns until she got educated about them. Now she will even hold them. There was a time that she would not be in the same room with a gun.