Need Help w/Wife ... - Page 4

Need Help w/Wife ...

This is a discussion on Need Help w/Wife ... within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; I think how you react should depend on how long you were together before the question of guns came up. Knowing what I know now, ...

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Thread: Need Help w/Wife ...

  1. #46
    Senior Member Array PaulG's Avatar
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    I think how you react should depend on how long you were together before the question of guns came up. Knowing what I know now, I would make sure my woman was OK with firearms before the relationship went any further. As it is, I lucked out.

    I am 55 years old and been married for 32 years. My wife is my soul mate and best friend. She has put up with a lot from me and I honestly feel that I won the lottery when she agreed to marry me.

    I bought my very first gun in 2003. So I survived my first 28 years of marriage without a gun in my home.

    If she had objected to me buying the gun, I wouldn't have done it. It would be like changing the rules after 28 years and just expecting her to accept it.

    When I told her that I was thinking of getting a permit, she said "well, it might come in handy".

    Now? She decided that if I am going to keep guns around the house, she better learn how to use them. When she first fired my .45, she looked at me and smiled. God, I love this woman.

    I think your plan is probably the best all around one I can think of. If she is REALLY against guns, you don't want to be in her face about them.

    Continue to carry quietly and give her time to come around. Since you have already been carrying for a long time without her even knowing, you have demonstrated that you are a responsible gun owner.

    Maybe some day while getting into the car with you and the kids, she will notice a shifty looking person watching you. Maybe that's what it will take before the light bulb goes on.

    Be patient
    fortiter in re, suaviter in modo (resolutely in action, gently in manner).


  2. #47
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    To each their own, but 28 years without a firearm? All I can say PaulG is that you were extremely lucky that you didn't need one.

    It is a two way street, not a one way street. Just because I married my wife and, I too was extremely lucky, doesn't mean I give up my rights. If she doesn't want to carry (she does by the way) it is her choice to exercise. I choose to carry and that is MY choice to exercise. Veto power may hold sway over earnings, child rearing, and where we are going to dinner tonight, but my PERSONAL rights are inviolate.

    Again, YMMV and YOMD.
    21 years and 21 days, United States Marine Corps & NRA Life Member since 1972

    "The trouble is with the increasingly widespread problem of idiots prancing around out there confusing their opinions with actual facts." peckman28

  3. #48
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    I feel for you and others like you. My wife doesn't ask if I'm carrying....but thats because the only place I don't carry is in bed or the shower (but a weapon is within reach).

    I think this is something too many of us take for granted....spouse/family that are pro-2A, etc. I'd say don't try to shove it down her throat. Tell her as passionately, maturely, and lovingly how much you feel compelled to carry a weapon to defend you, her, and the kids. Tell her you hope you never have to use it, but if the ocassion ever arises where you'll need it, you'll be glad you had it with you. I think that little by little she will see your point of view, especially if you are ever in a situation that could turn into something bad.

    My wife is also a nurse. She, like your wife, cares for sick and dying people every shift at the hospital. She truly does care for all of them. But, she also has had to care for people that were assaulted, abused, and hurt by someone that should have been perforated by lead projectiles.
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  4. #49
    Member Array DizTbone's Avatar
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    I hate to bring Stephen Covey into this, but there are some words he's written that have helped me in many ways:

    "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."

    When my wife and I started dating, she found out that I had guns...only two at that point, thanks to burglars...and FREAKED!!!! As we talked I found out that the only time she had seen a gun was when her druggie/drunk/abusive ex-husband had pointed a loaded shotgun in her specific direction. Knowing that informed how I approached the topic...especially since everyone in her family was afraid of guns and the people who owned them.

    Gradually, she, and her family, got to know and trust me. Then her little sister started dating...a younger version of me. Matt was in the Army Reserve and I was in the National Guard. We both hunted. We both liked to shoot. They learned that they we were safe to be around... However....

    If I hadn't taken the time to understand the roots of my wife's fear, we'd still be battling. It took five years of specifically talking about her feelings about firearms, but...last year she confiscated my .38Spl snubby (no loss...I don't like revo's anyway )... Then she asked to shoot the bigger pieces...on her time... Then...she begged for her own semi-auto....in her own time....

    My wife is caring, too.... She LOVES kids. Now, she understands that part of loving is protecting them from the wolves as much as possible...an idea she came to in her own time....

    Conclusion: Ask your wife to help you understand her feelings and positions. Remember...this is not a time for a debate by the rules. A logical triumph can be a "win the battle lose the war" position. Instead...keep her talking about her feelings... When she FEELS that you are seriously trying to respect and understand her feelings on the topic, then she may start asking questions.... Stay focused on feelings...it's the currency in which most (though not all) women trade...even when outlining your position (after invitation) put it in the language she knows...

    Of course, you know your relationship better than we.... But...the above seems to be a good baseline plan for most women... YMMV....

    Live long and prosper,
    Michael

    [O...my wife says I'm a Klingon-Vulcan....and she HATES logical debate!!!]
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  5. #50
    Senior Member Array .45acp's Avatar
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    I'm lucky, I don't have that issue. My wife shoots and should have her CCW soon, same with my son. We like to spend quality range time together.
    I really feel sorry for anyone who would attempt to assault the three of us when together, they'll want to wake from that bad dream in a hurry.

    My suggestion though not perfect would be to make a show of securing the weapon and putting it away then very discreetly carry a mousegun, better than nothing.
    PC has become the term for Political Cowardice.

  6. #51
    Senior Member Array PaulG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chorizo View Post
    To each their own, but 28 years without a firearm? All I can say PaulG is that you were extremely lucky that you didn't need one.

    It is a two way street, not a one way street. Just because I married my wife and, I too was extremely lucky, doesn't mean I give up my rights. If she doesn't want to carry (she does by the way) it is her choice to exercise. I choose to carry and that is MY choice to exercise. Veto power may hold sway over earnings, child rearing, and where we are going to dinner tonight, but my PERSONAL rights are inviolate.

    Again, YMMV and YOMD.
    Chorizo - first of all, I disagree with the "extremely lucky" part.

    If we are extremely lucky to never have needed a gun, why are there so many OLD anti-gunners around who have never even handled a gun? Are they extremely lucky. If so, there is a heck of a lot of luck out there.

    The chances of needing a gun are small; how small I don't know; larger than having a fire at your house IMHO, but still small. If it weren't, I would rarely step out of my locked and baracaded fortress.

    I train with and carry a gun for the same reason I have smoke detectors and fire extinquishers. Do I think that I am going to have a fire? No, its just that even though the risk is small, the effect would be very great if I had a fire (or needed a gun).

    Secondly, about rights vs relationships. You are right, your personal rights are inviolate. But you do make a choice one way or the other. My relationship with my wife is that of a partnership. My wife keeps me grounded. When I start to go off the deep end, she reels me in again and on rare occassion, I do the same for her.

    When I became interested in guns, if she would have been REALLY against the idea, I wouldn't ruin our relationship by forcing her to accept me carrying a gun. That's because after 28 years of marriage, I think you owe it to your spouse to seriously re-consider whenever you are planning to change the rules you have lived by for 28 years.

    Sure, there is a risk that she or I could be killed by a bad guy but its not worth it to me to risk ruining our relationship by ignoring her feelings. I look at it as risk assessment: ruining relationship (high risk) vs getting attacked (lower risk).

    But, like I said before, I lucked out. She is as pro-gun as I am.

    I do agree that you have your personal rights. But sometimes people have to decide if what they want to do is more important than their spouses wishes. If so, that's fine. My mileage is just different from yours.

    By the way, glad your wife carries. Mine hasn't yet but isn't necessarily against the idea. We'll see.
    fortiter in re, suaviter in modo (resolutely in action, gently in manner).

  7. #52
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    PaulG, We are speaking the same language, Brother.

    I agree with your assessment about the chances of needing a gun are small. This is where we diverge: risk management looks at 2 factors, # 1; the likelihood of an event (LoE) happening, # 2; the consequences of the event (CoE) if it does happen. If the LoE is low, but the CoE is high, it still is considered a risky event. So, in other words, I may hardly ever need a weapon, but when I need it, I am going to need it badly. To me the CoE overrides the LoE in this case, so I insist upon my right to carry and refuse to abdicate my responsibility to protect my family regardless of others opinions or views. I do acknowledge that this position can lead to conflict.

    Again I also said YMMV. I agree with that. Each of us must find out own balance in our relationships. I am on my second marriage (nothing to do with insisting on"rights" as causal factor in dissolution of first) and took the time to learn from the first and did a fairly rigorous "screening" prior to entering into the second. I learned from the first that what each person holds as truths and sacred are hard to change and it is a fools endeavor to even try. So I searched for a level of compatibility that went beyond what my hot-blooded youth led me to the first time.

    I am just advocating that folks pony up to their responsibility of self protection in spite of indoctrination their spouses might have received and what I view as one's inflated belief that they can dictate what their spouse does or thinks. (again two way street-----I wouldn't dare dictate to my Wife, equally as I refuse to let her dictate to me. It is a partnership, not a power struggle).

    Good luck on the wife carrying. If you can get her to go to yellow (most walk around in white, because of a trusting nature) she will want to start to carry. I used the risk management approach with mine so that she could link the consequences of her inaction to the potential outcome.

    I appreciate your thoughtful discussion. Thank you.
    21 years and 21 days, United States Marine Corps & NRA Life Member since 1972

    "The trouble is with the increasingly widespread problem of idiots prancing around out there confusing their opinions with actual facts." peckman28

  8. #53
    Senior Member Array PaulG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chorizo View Post
    Good luck on the wife carrying. If you can get her to go to yellow (most walk around in white, because of a trusting nature) she will want to start to carry. I used the risk management approach with mine so that she could link the consequences of her inaction to the potential outcome.
    Boy did you hit the sore point in my marriage. My wife thinks its a good thing for me to carry and she wants to maintain proficiency with a firearm for home defense but when out shopping, she has mastered the art of condition white.

    She will notice every plant and animal around for miles but won't notice a human being until she almost runs into them. The only time she even comes close to condition yellow is when out by herself at night or when walking to or from a parking lot.

    I'm working on it though. When I see any suspicious person, I make sure to point them out to her. I think it is surprising to her how many times I see people who come close to moving me into condition orange. Slowly but surely, I think she'll come around.

    Stay safe out there!
    fortiter in re, suaviter in modo (resolutely in action, gently in manner).

  9. #54
    Member Array cali-da's Avatar
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    hope

    I went through a similar experience. As I was finishing law school and trying to figure out where I would work, I considered and even applied for a position as a special agent with the FBI. One of the either well known or unknown things about being a SA is that you carry all the time. Having grown up with a gun in the house and having used it as a Boy Scout, I was very comfortable with firearms and with the idea of carring all of the time. I considered it part of the job, the uniform. It went with having the badge. My young bride, having been only married to me for a year, and having had no experience with firearms herself, was not thrilled with the concept of being married to a federal police officer. In fact she was not excited about the prospect at all.

    The FBI didn't work out and instead I became a DA. When I started prosecuting gang crime and felonies, she became more open to the idea of me having a firearm and carrying it with us. In fact she now will ask me if I have it with me and the look of relief on her face indicates to me regularly that she has had a change of heart.

    The more I have told her about what I am doing and what I am involved with, the more supportive she is. She was even open to me getting a range membership and shooting on a regular basis. She is also open the concept of purchasing a shotgun and another handgun ( I want a Glock .40 just for the heck of it).

    Needless to say, life experience may be what she is lacking. Once my wife understood what is out there in the real world, she was more understanding. The more I told her about slow reaction and response time by cops and the amount of crazy wackos out there, she became much more supportive.

    Perhaps the thing to do is to go to some classes put on by police or self defense people. Maybe a quick view into the real world (my wife accuses me of being cynical; I think it is realistic since I know more of what is going on) will help your wife understand why you feel the need to carry a weapon.

  10. #55
    Senior Member Array tanksoldier's Avatar
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    Huh... my wife was slightly against my CCW as well at first.

    Then one day we're taking a dog back to the address to which his license was registered... in a very bad, meth-lab part of town. As we pull up to the house, she asks: "Do you have your gun?"

    Haven't heard a negative peep since, and she sometimes helps check to see if I'm printing.
    "I am a Soldier. I fight where I am told, and I win where I fight." GEN George S. Patton, Jr.

  11. #56
    Member Array Nate's Avatar
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    I just sent the link about the Utah mall shooting to my wife with a request that she please read the comments.

    Let's see what happens.

    http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=148...&comments=true

  12. #57
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    Only you can determine what areas you have to stand firm in a disagreement with your spouse. Often what starts out as a barely tolerable compromise develops into what both see as a win win. I agree with those that encourage you to address it with your wife. Seek to understand her position. Her views, in her mind, are just as valid as yours.

    I married a woman who grew up in a home with an extremely abusive father, who had a signficant amount of paranoia, and who liked to wave firearms in the face of family members...right up to where he killed her mother and himself. Her negative feelings about firearms made alot of sense to me.

    She never liked having any around, but I'm a hunter and she tolerated them as well as the useless .25 I had. Later she encouraged my eldest son that if he wanted to get a .22 revolver to plink with, it was okay with her. A couple of weeks ago we had a nice conversation about my compulsion to get a permit and cc. She still struggles with firearms, but realizes--because of our conversations--why and she does a good job of not letting her emtotions (the ripple effects of a traumatic past) get in the way of rational. She knows fear is not my motivator, nor is paranioa, but a drive to see to my responsibility to adequately protect. She has learned enough from my expereinces working with the handful of true sociopaths that I have to know there is a real danger out there at all times.

    Patience and understanding go a long way. My wife even entertained carrying herself, but realisitcally assessed that she would likely hesitate to pull the trigger and determined that as such she should not. After a discussion of whether the hestitancy would be there if one of the kids were threatened....she is mullling it still. I'd give it a couple more years.

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