Girlfriend NOT happy about me carrying - Page 3

Girlfriend NOT happy about me carrying

This is a discussion on Girlfriend NOT happy about me carrying within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; This is a tough one. I empathize with you. It took a long time for my wife to come around. She still will not handle ...

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Thread: Girlfriend NOT happy about me carrying

  1. #31
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
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    Jan 2008
    Mid-Hudson Valley New York State
    This is a tough one. I empathize with you. It took a long time for my wife to come around. She still will not handle or hold firearms, but she always tells me she feels safer when I carry. That's fine by me. So you might want to try and give it some time.

    Someone above also mentioned Cornered Cat. I agree! It's a great website for women and firearms.

    Best of Luck,
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  2. #32
    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    Jul 2006
    Quote Originally Posted by youngda9 View Post
    ... a symptom of some bad things to come. If, when conftonted by a difficult topic, she bottles up and won't communicate with you, things won't go well in the long run. You guys need to figure out how to communicate and talk through things.
    Yup. Not seeing how things are, but instead seeing things how we wish them to be. This is the real problem.
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
    Explain: How does disarming victims reduce the number of victims?
    Reason over Force: Why the Gun is Civilization (Marko Kloos).

  3. #33
    Senior Member Array MR D's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    South Central PA
    GFs are transient - wives are not

    my wife was not happy when I started bringing guns home... (actually had one before we even met...)

    she still isn't - but she tolerates it very well now - doesn't even ask how much it cost

    we have been married 27 years and about 18 years ago four guys showed up at our residence and place of business, they intended to rob us and to take her with them...

    one of those guys got shot that night and my wife became much more tolerant... (even supportive) sometimes she even asks if I am carrying... increases her comfort level if I am...

    other things have happened over the years, but one thing remains constant - she KNOWS why I do what I do, and whether she likes it or not - she accepts it. It is part of who I am, to not do it would violate some of my very central beliefs.

    She knows how to shoot, (and well) but chooses not to.

    Whatever you decide to do, "man up" and make your own decision - but it has to be your decision as you may live or die based upon the consequences of it...

  4. #34
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    Array limatunes's Avatar
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    Feb 2007
    My advice? Personalize it.

    I agree that reading the newspaper and watching tv does absolutely NOTHING to intimidate most people because the people on the news are strangers, in distant places (even if it's just down the street) and there is no threat to the individual watching the reports.

    When I went out to eat with two of my gal friends and the subject of concealed carry came up (mostly because I was in an Applebees and had to open carry and both of them saw my gun) and they really didn't see the "need," I asked them to look at a guy two tables over in a red shirt.

    Both of them looked.

    I asked them what they would do if he stood up RIGHT NOW and started screaming that he was going to kill one of them. He was, after all, only about twelve feet from our table and had easy access and we were in a booth so we were already as somewhat of a disadvantage.

    Both of them stared at the guy in the red shirt and I saw it sink in. It was personal. It was RIGHT THERE. He was flesh and blood and he was sitting less than 12 feet from them. You could see what he was eating, see the light in his hair, any closer and you could probably smell him.

    Both of them looked at me with blank stares and I knew I had gotten through but I pushed further.

    "Now, what if he stands up with a knife. Does it change things? What would you do? How would you respond?"

    Both of them could come up with nothing definitive.

    I then reminded them that most attacks come from that distance or less and you never know where you are going to be when a threat strikes. You could be the unfortunate bystander when an angry man decides to take out his ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend and take a few patrons with him. You have NO idea what's coming and the best you can do is be prepared.

    Throughout the rest of the meal I saw those girls making constant glances to the guy in the red shirt (I should have gone over there and thanked him for him role in my lesson) and I could see that what I was saying was sinking in.

    We've talked about it several times since. One of my gal friends is actively looking for a gun she can buy, train with and then carry. Even though the other gal dismissed it all as "too unlikely to happen" she has outright said that if she ever felt she was in danger the first thing she'd want is to be able to carry a gun (we are working on the whole "feeling in danger" thing).

    These far off distant news reports aren't frightening to most people. After all, we are desensitized to them. But the creepy looking guy two tables away is far too close and too personal to be ignored. Or the guy walking toward us on the street.

    Now, I'm not saying that you should try this EVERY TIME you go out. Eventually you'll drive her nuts and she'll just want to throw her drink in your face and never see you again.

    But make a night of it. Tell her you want to talk to her about something very important to you and that while it may be uncomfortable for her it's something that you really feel is important and that you'll treat her to dinner and then after dinner she can choose anything she wants to make up for the uncomfortable conversation.

    Tell her you want to talk about this in a mature, realistic way and that you are trying to put feelings aside and talk about facts.

    Explain to her that even though she doesn't see the possibility of the need for carry that you do and after you have asked her what she would do if the guy two tables down stood up and started charging you both with a steak knife, tell her what YOU would do to protect her and yourself. Tell her that, yes, it probably will never happen and you pray to GOD it WILL NEVER happen, but JUST IN CASE it does you want to have a choice you might otherwise not have available (other than going mono-e-mono with steak knives). You want the choice to save BOTH OF YOU (and possibly others) if you can.

    Ask her what makes her so uncomfortable about it AND LISTEN TO HER.

    To be honest, when my husband first started carrying, the moment he put that gun on it was like someone stuck a stick up his butt. I hated that he carried, not because I didn't like the gun, but because he was such a He didn't hold my hand because he wanted his hands free. He barely looked at me when I was talking to him because he was "Scanning." He never let me hug him or touch him because then he couldn't get to his gun fast enough if he needed it or he was afraid I was making him print. He was SO stiff and SO uptight that going out with him was no fun whatsoever. Any time I wanted to have a good time I would BEG him not to carry just so he would relax and enjoy himself.

    It took a lot of effort on my part to try to get him to see that it wasn't the gun I was uncomfortable about, it was going out with robocop that was annoying.

    Later, when he discovered that he could be comfortable AND carry a gun he was MUCH more pleasant to be around armed and I didn't care in the least that he was carrying. Then when I started carrying we learned we BOTH could still have fun and be armed.

    Make sure that YOU aren't an uncomfortable person to be around because you have a gun. Ask her if she sees anything that you can do differently WHILE YOU ARE STILL CARRYING.

    Try to show her a little glimpse into your world and your thought process but don't be insensitive to her thoughts either.

    She could very well be trying to get your gun away from you so that she can have you back.

    Take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself what you talk about when you are carrying, what you act like, if every conversation you have when you are armed is about self defense and gun rights and mall shootings. She may feel she's taking second place to your gun.

    Ask her to be candid and honest and to tell you honestly what her concern is. You said she already went shooting with you and liked it so obviously it's not JUST that she's afraid of guns. There could be something you are overlooking.

    Try to bring her out and be honest and ask her to be honest with you and try to come to a mutual understanding. You want to protect her and I'm sure that she appreciates your concern but don't make the mistake of thinking it's just her vs the gun. It could be a lot deeper and much more complex than that.

    Try to find out what it is and work with it.

  5. #35
    New Member Array DrinaLynn's Avatar
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    Apr 2008
    Quote Originally Posted by limatunes View Post

    It took a lot of effort on my part to try to get him to see that it wasn't the gun I was uncomfortable about, it was going out with robocop that was annoying.

    Make sure that YOU aren't an uncomfortable person to be around because you have a gun. Ask her if she sees anything that you can do differently WHILE YOU ARE STILL CARRYING.

    She could very well be trying to get your gun away from you so that she can have you back.

    Take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself what you talk about when you are carrying, what you act like, if every conversation you have when you are armed is about self defense and gun rights and mall shootings. She may feel she's taking second place to your gun.
    limatunes, these are EXCELLENT points... I never looked at that angle but you are RIGHT on with that!
    Be safe, sleep with a Marine

  6. #36
    Distinguished Member Array snowdoctor's Avatar
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    Nov 2005
    I can tell you there is hope...My wife was similar in that she didn't see the need for carrying a gun....didn't like it...
    I am happy to say after me carrying for over 5 years....she just picked up her CPL license last week....
    SO if this is truly THE girl, don't give up, and don't stop carrying.
    If this isn't the girl...cut your loses, and move on.

    --people ask why I carry, and I show them this picture. I think it says it all.--

    NRA Certified Instructor--many disciplines

  7. #37
    VIP Member Array MitchellCT's Avatar
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    I don't post here anymore...Sorry
    Quote Originally Posted by Ranger View Post
    Wives get a vote. Girlfriends are transients, auditioning for the position of wife. Sounds like she's blowing the audition.

  8. #38
    Member Array hcrum87hc's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    South Carolina
    First of all, thanks for all the advice. Lima, that was a lot of good advice and I plan on doing that. I think you may be right. I have gotten the feeling that she thinks I'm putting the gun first. I'll definitely be taking that into account in the future. I think one of the reasons she can be naive is the fact that she grew up in a small town with practically no crime what so ever. And for the record, I'm not old enough to carry yet. I turn 21 in June. Unfortunately, I'm still in college, so during the school year I can't even have guns in my room. Next year we'll be off campus, and I'll have some thankfully.
    "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."-Jeremiah 17:7

  9. #39
    Senior Member Array InspectorGadget's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    I'm checking out the Cornered Cat website, never heard of it before but excellent site thanks.

    I have retired to a small town, the major stations nearby are all out of mobile. One girl I am talking to doesn't hear about hardly any crime here so she doesnt think there is any danger, (My other main hobby is Ham Radio) I grabbed my scanner out of my car while we were talking turned it on and turned it down a little, and continued talking. Within 2 minutes we heard about a green and white van that had tried to abduct a girl on her way to work 2 miles away. Then a mugging about 3 miles north of us all at 2 in the afternoon. I could see the light turn on, she is now asking me how to get a license, get the training, and what type of guns are better. Score 1 for the good guys and definitly poss GF material.

    Check out a scanner at the local Radio Shack, most of them are preprogrammed, if they are not just google scanner freq's in your city, or pick up a police call book at your local Radio Shack. One stays in my car so I know where NOT to go if there is a incident. The helped a lot in LA before I retired, there is a lot less crime here, but there is still crime. I am still armed but the dest defense is knowing what is going on around me, and my ears streach throughout the county.
    Colt 1911 New Agent, CTLaser

    You do not work for them, they work for you.

  10. #40
    Ex Member Array AtomicLabRat's Avatar
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    Apr 2008
    The Great State of Texas
    Time for a new Girlfriend

  11. #41
    VIP Member Array JimmyC4's Avatar
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    I don't usually speak up on threads like this one, but here goes...

    This is an issue you need to resolve before marriage. In my mind, there really isn't any compromise when it comes to carry; you must carry all of the time, since you can't predict when the unthinkable will become reality. If your bride-to-be is uncomfortable with that and doesn't come around even with the "education" that others here have suggested, you need to make a tough decision.

    I live in a pretty tame town of 100k population. A year ago, in a middle-class neighborhood, a woman was murdered in her home during the day. It remains unsolved, and has served as a wake-up call to many. The bottom line is that "it" can happen at anytime in anyplace, which means it is our responsibility to be ready to defend ourselves and those we love.

    While your fiance may never become an active shooter or ever carry herself, I am hoping that she becomes enlightened to the point that she is thankful for your armed presence.

    Good luck.
    "It's a big gun when I carry it, it is also a big gun when I take it out” – Clint Smith

  12. #42
    VIP Member Array MNBurl's Avatar
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    Aug 2006
    This is an issue you need to resolve before marriage.
    Jimmy is right. You are not married so it is not an issue she has ANY control over. My wife 3 years ago was surprised but this summer she will be getting her permit. Her eyes are now open.

    "If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" - George S. Patton.

  13. #43
    Member Array FknRa's Avatar
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    May 2007
    Folsom, Ca
    just give her 2 of em and tell her to have fun.... worked for mine

    I am lucky, although she refers to our shotgun as "hers" way to often

    To those that paid for my freedom,

    As with all statements I've made and All that I will make, please check your local laws to verify accuracy. (and if i'm wrong let me know as I like to be right in the future) After all I'm just some goofball posting on an internet forum.

  14. #44
    Member Array centermass's Avatar
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    Feb 2008
    Lake Charles, LA
    I understand where your coming from. When I first got married my wife also had the common additude that "it can't happen to me". Her idea was that if she didn't do anything to start a problem then there wouldn't be one. It took me a long time to help her realize that this just isn't true. She is much more educated now, and it's partly because of this website and things that have happened over the years. I make sure that the reads and sees the things that can happen. She is not in love with the fact that I carry, but she knows why. I have three children and her to protect and WILL protect them no matter what happens to me. There have been times that we have gone places and things have come up that she didn't notice. I take note of the situation and get us out of the situation. When we are clear of the problem I point it out to her. Just last night we went to Mr Gatti's pizza(a local pizza joint) after my little girls team won their baseball game. As we were walking out she was going to put our 1 year old in the car and I noticed a van with a couple people sitting in it parked right next to her tahoe. I was walking with my 8 year old and our 5 year old. I told her to stop and she looked around and realized why I stopped her. She handed me our child and I loaded him up while keeping an eye out. I didn't have to explain, she just heard my tone and understood. I had met her at the game, because I had driven back from the heliport after going offshore for work. I don't know if they where going to try some thing and never will, but I was prepared for it. That's why I carry. Because you don't allways do something that results in a bad situation. I just happens. Help her to realize that the world isn't all butterflies and roses. Help her to realize that there are so many people out there with nothing and they want what you have and are willing to kill you for it. There are thugs that will shoot you if you drive through their "turf" and not flash their gang sign. Or if you make eye contact with the wrong person. Next time you are at Mcdonalds, tell her that the ordinary woman that is sitting in the next booth may have an exhusband that is unstable and could bust through the door to kill her and everyone around her. Make her notice things. Maybe once her eyes are opened to the real world and she sees what alot of other people see, she may be a little more permissive about your gun priviledges.
    Ruger GP100 .357 mag
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  15. #45
    VIP Member Array JerryM's Avatar
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    If you were married it would be one thing, but you are not. Accordingly, you and she need to determine what is important to each of you and what accommodations can be made so that there is no conflict.

    I would not go into a marriage, that is for life, with a conflict regarding my abilities to protect me and mine. If she objects to your carrying, what else is going to be a problem involving guns?

    If I could not get her to consent to my carrying I would try to find another to marry. But what is most important to you? Only you can determine that.


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