Defensive Carry banner

Sooo my wife doesnt really agree on me carrying any ideas??

6K views 80 replies 52 participants last post by  Bark'n 
#1 ·
Well I took the class on sat. and am now patiently waiting for my permit but got to talking with my wifeabout it last night and she is under the impression that its more dangerous to carry becasue se thinks my son will be able to get to my gun or it will go off for no reason. I tried to tell her that the only way an accident will happen is if I do somthing wrong or stupid.

I also tried to reason with her that we dont want to be in the next trolly square shooting and not be armed so I was going to at least carry when we went to anywhere from ogden south (we live in northern utah). She still wasnt real happy with it and didnt really even want to talk about it.

Any ideas on how to get her to realize how safe it is to carry and that nobody will be getting my gun without me knowing if I carry as opposed to getting it at my home and me not knowing?:confused:
 
#35 ·
First of all... I hate that "she doesn't want to talk about it" crap... My wife does that sometimes and it drives me crazy. It's almost like, "here's my thoughts, don't bother me with facts."

Makes it difficult to get anywhere until you get past that. Perhaps saying, "this is important for me to talk about it. Can we pick a time when you DO want to talk about it and we can discuss this in depth?"

After that, all you can do is address each individual concern. Tell her, "lets play what-if..." You give me a what-if where the gun goes off, and I'll tell you how that's addressed by either my actions, or the gun.

For example, carrying a 1911? Worried that you might slam it into a wall or drop it and it goes off? There's a technical answer to that. It won't, and there's documentation to back that up. Worried you might set it down where the kid might get to it? Describe your intended habits with it -- in my case, it never leaves my holster unless something bad happens or i'm going to bed. When I'm in the bathroom and it comes off, it sits in a place well beyond the reach of my child behind a locked door *with me* -- I don't leave that room without it.

In short, make her spell out what-ifs... and address them rationally.

In my case it was exactly the same thing... and trying to reason my way through it was only so successful. I then moved on to me carrying and re-addressing it later. I think she realized that me carrying really didn't change anything. She seldom realizes or notices it's there... I never mention it and I never show it off. Most days, she'll never see it. That's important, because I think a part of her mind pictured me sitting down at the breakfast table, unholsting, and slapping the gun down on the breakfast counter while I ate. She imagined it as an "omnipresent gun"... and it really is nothing like that.

It may be that what she's expecting, vs. what it really is are two different things. I have a three year old... if it can be gotten into, he will get into it. That gun is safer on my hip than it is anywhere else in my house.
 
#38 ·
+1. Agreed.
 
#36 ·
From a woman's point of view...I think you need to keep trying to bring her around. Show her some true stories about bad things happening to people. Show her some results of people who had something to protect themselves and some where people didn't. Maybe she would like to carry one day. Ask her about it. Even if she doesn't, stick to your principles and she'll come around. Just don't be pushy. Trust me women don't like that. LOL. Hope everything works out.
 
#37 ·
My $0.02

My wife didn't (doesn't) care for it either, yet I now carry most everywhere we go.

First. If she doesn't like guns, STFU!! You carrying is a gun intrusion for her. If you want that to be easier for her, don't make her listen to your gun prattle.

Second. My wife was worried about accidental discharges too. I brought her to the safe and removed my 1911. I cleared it. I showed her how to know it was clear. I showed her how I couldn't fire it with the thumb safety on. I should her how I couldn't fire it with the thumb safety off, if I didn't press the grip safety. I showed her how the hammer would be stopped at half cock if the seer were broken by impact and the hammer forced forward. Then I told her how on top of all that, there's a firing pin block so that even if the half cock is broken, the firing pin can't reach the cartridge unless I'm gripping the grip safety.

Third. Let her know your intensions about carry. Do it. Don’t mention it. Help her be able to ignore it.

Fourth. If she thinks your cover garments look sloppy (untucked flannel shirts, etc.) let her pick out the clothes. My wife likes it much better when I move up to a sport coat rather than down to a cover shirt.

My wife still doesn’t like it, but she now accepts it’s part of me. I do everything I can to minimize the impact on her. I have no illusions of her embracing guns. I show my appreciation for her accepting this part of me by minimizing the discomfort to her.

That's how it worked for me. Your mileage (wife) may vary.

Good luck.
 
#39 ·
Hey everyone...read the posts before posting a reply. This guy's wife was raised around guns. IT'S NOT AN ISSUE OF BEING AFRAID OF GUNS. My wife was afraid of guns...yours isn't. So different situation.

She knows you want to carry when you're heading to Ogden (good idea btw). The cliche I hate the least is the one about the spare tire. I carry a spare tire in my car not expecting to need it. It is heavy, takes up space, costs me gas mileage, and if I maintain my car I may never need it. But that one time I do need it may be a lifesaver. Same principle with the firearm...

Listen to tdwood about keeping positive. Hey man, from a pastor: love on your wife. Treat her well; I would DEFINITELY avoid the "I am a man" macho stuff. If that is your attitude...well I might suggest a rethinking of carrying altogether. You aren't in it to be a gunslinger but a protector; be a protector of your wife's dignity, self-worth, and importance in your eyes.

She knows you want to carry. So the next time you're heading to somewhere sketchy after you get your permit carry. Don't hide it from her but don't make it a big deal either; I treat my EDC like my cell phone or wallet--just part of the ensemble. Treat her with respect, follow proper safety procedure which from your description she will definitely know, and follow the law.

Talk about it when she wants to and don't shove it down her throat. Respect her feelings like you want her to respect hers. Protect her in every respect and cherish her and her desire to keep your son safe. I would be willing to bet that the walls will come down eventually.

Good luck!
 
#40 ·
I would DEFINITELY avoid the "I am a man" macho stuff. If that is your attitude...well I might suggest a rethinking of carrying altogether. You aren't in it to be a gunslinger but a protector; be a protector of your wife's dignity, self-worth, and importance in your eyes.
Thank you!! The macho stuff never gets very far with most women. A very wise man IMHO.
 
#42 ·
I just cut out the crimes news from my local paper. It didn't take long for here to ask if I was carrying to make her feel better. Sent her flowers for valetines and got a big hug.. among other things. :yup:

She hugged me low and felt my holster a firearm, she just winked and went on her way.

Darn I need to remember to hug people low.
 
#43 ·
Any ideas on how to get her to realize how safe it is to carry and that nobody will be getting my gun without me knowing if I carry as opposed to getting it at my home and me not knowing?:confused:
I'm sure you've received plenty of ideas from posters here.
I'd also add that she read 'The Good, The Bad & The Ugly' threads on this forum along with watching the videos below.

Suzanna Gratia-Hupp: What the Second Amendment is REALLY For
YouTube - Penn and Teller - Gun Free Zones



:wave:
 
#44 ·
Show her where you plan to store it, how you plan to carry it, and why you really want to do it.
What about the kid(s)? Be certain that they are aware of you guns presence (maybe not actually its location) and the rules if it were to ever be seen. I have tried to have a policy that invites open discussion/questions as opposed to accidental finding.
You should invite your wife to take a class too. Whether she agrees with the CC or not she should know ALL of the facts. Growing up around them is one thing, taking an actual class is another.

Show her some statistics, she should come around.
 
#45 ·
You mentioned that her father is a big gun nut. What's his opinion of you carrying? Maybe if his view is like yours and he talks to her she will understand better.

I had my own issues with the wife. She didn't want guns in the house, period. Well when I recently started talking about getting one, about three weeks ago, she all of a sudden actually helped me find what I was looking for. Now it's off to the CCW class. I did mention to her about it but I don't keep talking about it. I am just going to ease her into it and then it will become a normal part of life.

I did grow up with guns all around me. She didn't. However with the times the way they are now, I think she understands why I am doing this. Todays times has people getting deperate for money. I don't want to be the victim of any violance becasue someone needed money to feed their babies.
 
#47 ·
I tried to tell her that the only way an accident will happen is if I do somthing wrong or stupid.
Well there's your problem right there! How often do our wives think we do something wrong or stupid? In my house it's a daily occurrence!

On a more serious note, part of her resistance may be due to personal history. You say her dad is a "gun nut" and she grew up around weapons. How many negligent discharges did dad have while she was growing up? If there is a history of ND's or inappropriate behavior on his part involving weapons, you have to emphasize that you are not him.
 
#48 ·
Handling a gun is inherently dangerous.
There is no escaping that fact. All that can be done is to minimize the risk through training and diligence. Which is why it's so crucial to have proper and regular training, proper equipment, well-maintained equipment, strong familiarity with the tools, safe storage, etc. As with anything, it's also crucial to have family members who know the score, are also well-trained about the safety implications, play "ball" with the concept of keeping everyone safe around such tools.

In that sense, it's little different than a kitchen knife. When's the last time you cut your hand with a kitchen knife? So long as you don't run around with it, take care to keep it exceptionally sharp, take care to use it only in designated manner ...

It's little different than using a gas can for filling up lawn equipment. When's the last time you blew yourself up, or melted the John Deere? So long as you use common sense, adhere to standard practices for handling gasoline, use a proper filler cap, beware of fumes and the risks ...

It's little different than a motor vehicle used to transport your family. When's the last time you ran into a wall or other object and killed yourself and your family? The point is, so long as you get trained, remain alert and diligent to the basic methods of operating the tool, and remain mindful of the threat to your well-being if you fail to treat it as the 3500-lb "weapon" that it can be, you're very unlikely to be seriously threatened with harm by the tool's use.
 
#49 ·
Each couple has their own way of communicating. I don't ask my wife or even tell her when I am carrying. She has come to realize that I carry all the time. I don't have little kids anymore but the gun is not accessible to anyone but me. She rarely even sees my weapon. She has never been around guns other than with me. She is not an anti, but she is not very educated about them either. One of these days I will teach her..

Good luck, don't let the weapon disrupt your marriage, but don't back down either.
 
#50 ·
I suggest asking if she would read "Armed and Female" by Paxton Quigley. When I read it, I was absolutely stunned by the far-reaching and long-term effect of sexual assault. Certainly it is convincing as to why being armed makes sense, especially for women.

Good luck.
 
#51 ·
At the top of the list....

Be sure to explain to her just how dangerous the world has gotten, show her some of the crime reports in the paper, let her listen to the police scanner, that is if they are un encoded in your area, and she can hear just how much stuff never makes it into the papers.

Then tell her how much you love her and the kids, and you do this to keep them safe. Then after you let her buy the gun that was suggested earlier in the thread, coax her into getting her CCW to help protect the kids when you cannot be there.

Also there is the NRA "Refuse to be a victim" for women I would get her to look at them and some of the testimonies from some of the gals that have BTDT....
 
#52 ·
I mentioned the threats at work, and the bums breaking in all the time and she suggested I take the class to carry. :danceban:

I talked to her a little about her getting a gun for home defense and she seemed open. I dropped it completely. I then saw one of her friends and mentioned that I was taking the class (she and her hubby did and we knew this) she inquired about my wife and I said she might someday be into it. Well they talk all the time so she gets ahold of my wife's ear and tells her all about the latest crime in our area.
Some guy sneaks into a house, stays there overnight hidden in the basement, suddenly appears standing over this women while she is doing bills at her desk in the middle of the day. He robs her and terrorizes her and threatens sexual assualt but eventually leaves her tied up and un-assaulted.

I then later mention that her and her MMA girlfriends (they spar and fight mma) should get together and take some gun classes and go shooting together. They like getting all macho together and it will probably be a fun girls night out for them.

In the mean time she has "asked" if I thought it would be fun for us to shoot together :santaclaus: We went on Valentines day and also a few days before that and she has had a blast shooting. We go to Winstead's and get a malt and a burger afterwards. It might become our regular outing. :king:
 
#53 ·
Wow, Thanks for all the input and to answer some of the questions that stuck out in my mind; as far as her dad having ND's, not an issue. He is more safe with guns than anyone I have ever seen.
The comment about our wives thinking we are stupid.......I'll have to address that as it comes along because like said above its a daily thing.

She really confused me last night though, I was talking to my buddy that took the class with me and looks like we might be going gun shopping this week:comeandgetsome: so I told her I was excited to have someone to shoot handguns with as most my friends/family have long guns and she was like "uh you dont want me to come shooting? or you dont like to shoot with me?" something along those lines. She told me that she would really like to go but doesnt want to shoot at nothing (living where we do I usually just get some old cans or something and shoot them up). She says that her dad used to put out a dollar bill and whoever hit it closest to the center got to keep it.

Then later last night we were talking about the gun in our room, we have one night stand on her side of the bed and its in the top drawer with a flashlight, anyways I mentioned that I thought she was a better shot than me and she says "is that why the gun is on my side?" I said heck yes I'll go lay on top of our son to block bullets and you just shoot. She gave a laugh like thats funny but your probably right.

So I'm thinking I'll go try something like that but first I'll buy a holster and carry my handgun like I would for EDC while we are shooting to help her see how its going to work and how safe it is. Judging by how she is acting I think she will come around with some time.

Thanks again for all the ideas and help all:wave::congrats:
 
#54 ·
Guess not..

I suppose divorce is out of the question? :rofl:
Just kidding! I agree with the general consensus that you need to emphasive that you are protecting the ones you love. In this sissified society, men who take their roles seriously are looked at with disdain, but when the SHTF, they'll all be hiding behind you.
 
#55 ·
I've been married for 48 years now and have carried concealed for approximately 30 or so years. My wife has never really approved of me carrying concealed but we have worked our way through it. We are very different people my wife and I. We agree on a lot but there's much that we don't see the same way. Nothing has been a "deal breaker". She knows that my intentions for carrying are not at all frivolous and that I take the responsibility very seriously. Protecting me and mine is serious business.

You just don't have to agree on absolutely everything to be/stay successfully married.
 
#56 ·
Sorry, I didn't have time to read all the posts but I'm agree with one of the early posters who said "man-up." Keep it concealed and don't rub it in her face every time you have it on. She will rarely notice when you have it.

I also think you should wear every where you go. Not just south of Ogden. Bad crap happens everywhere. Including home invasions. Remember, home invasions always happen at home.

My lady was uncomfortable at first too. I didn't give her a choice. Now she has no problem with it at all. Well, one problem, she would probably like it if I had a drink more often.
 
#57 ·
You should have read the posts as most of us have decided that the "man-up" approach is a very very bad idea and seems quite rude and inconsiderate to me. The south of Ogden idea is just to start and will get her more used to the whole idea. As far as home I always have one fairly close by in my house so thats a non issue.
 
#58 ·
My wife has gotten used to me carrying now. She is a hair stylist and on occassion I have to pick her up after work and go and make a night deposit. I've always have my gun with me. I've complained about having to do this each time but I still do it. While we were watching the news tonight the Anchor said that a hair salon in a city near to us was robbed. Wanna guess what the first thing my wife did upon hearing that. She looked at my belt line to see if I was wearing my gun. To my dissapointment I was not because I just got home from work and I'm not allowed to carry there. Over time she has gotten used to it an now expects me to be wearing it. Be patient with your wife I'll bet she will come around eventually.
 
#59 ·
I have read this thread and I would agree with SheldonJ above - strive to make her aware - and maybe just a wee bit of FUD would be good. The media is full of news about the dangers of firearms - and mentions nothing of the positive aspects. Maybe some increased awareness of the rising dangers in this world, particularly given the economy, would help her understand your desire to be protected. NRA's Armed Citizen section in their magazines is usually interesting to read and demonstrates the value of everyday people defending themselves in a variety of situations. And please do show her the YouTube video of Dr. Suzanna Hupp's testimony or her Penn & Teller interview (just search YouTube for "gun Hupp").

Also if I may, I think you could do one thing better, as evidenced in her recent discussion about going shooting with you...I think you should involve her more. I personally would have taken my wife to a CCW class before a buddy, or at least with you and your buddy.

And like it or not, her familiarity with you will work aqainst you. The same exact message delivered to her by an appropriate outside 3rd-party will carry much more weight than the very best arguments you can muster. If you could get her to attend a firearms defense class of even the most basic sort, I think the message and reasoning of CC may be received with much more weight and credibility, simply because it's not you delivering the message.

/j
 
#60 ·
You might try carrying a pocket pistol at first.

I’ve been carrying a pistol for over 30 years; Long before I met the Mrs. In fact I had a Walther PPKs IWB in the small of my back on our first date. She never knew.

Anyhow; fast forward to today. She still does not like it if she can tell I’m carrying, “Stating she thinks the world will notice”, that bilge under my T-shirt.

But if I carry the P3AT in my pocket or its winter time, and I carry my Glock at 4 O’clock OWB covered by my coat, she does not notice anything and thus all is right with the world.

Don’t get me wrong. She is very happy that I carry a pistol anytime I leave the house, and she was raised shooting all kinds of guns, and loves to go to the range with me target pinking.

Anyway, just a thought
 
#63 ·
I convinced my my lady to go to an all womens class. Notice I said convinced, the "made up my mind" card only works when it's played rarely. Anyway, she really enjoyed it and liked getting the perspective of other women on the topic. It also allowed her to feel more comfortable asking questions. She still isn't interested in carrying but she enjoys shooting and she understands the safety along with the laws and responsiblity I've undertaken.

Good Luck!
 
#65 ·
Granted, your wife does present some valid observations, which you have acknowledged.

Regardless of how safe we are, these things can still happen. People forget where they put their handguns. Most of the time, they're stored safely and they just forgot they put them away. Sometimes, they leave them in unsafe places. This is where the kids come in. Remember that it only takes one time for something bad to happen. Simply reassuring her that you're smarter probably isn't going to work, especially when she's probably seen you do things after she's warned you not too (a typical marriage, right?).

You can't blame her. She's a mom and she's looking out for her child.

In my opinion, the way to get her to realize how responsible you are is to take a defensive tactical handgun class. Let her know that you're serious about this and that you're taking the best instruction you can. Get a GunVault type safe for your handgun when you're not carrying.

Good luck!
 
#66 ·
Very true points. I wish I had a job (one of the many suffering form a poor economy) because my ccw instructor can get me a 4 day defensive handgun class at fronsight for $300 compared to the normal $2000. I'm going to get a gunvault as soon as my tax return gets here.
 
#68 ·
How old is your young one? We have no children so it is difficult for me to relate. I grew up on a farm in a different place in time, almost Mayberry like really. I was shooting guns before I was in the first grade. Knowledge is safety.

Warrior, eh? The fiercest people I know are mothers. Kathy Jackson's web site, Cornered Cat is a good read for anyone, not just mothers.

I love watching guys get their egos smashed by their female friends. What am I talking about? SWMBO usually scores higher than me when we shoot NRA style .22 at the range. Her with her modest S&W Model 622 and me with my super nice S&W Model 41. Egos are terrible things to carry around anyway... better off without them.

Jan
 
#78 ·
How old is your young one? We have no children so it is difficult for me to relate. I grew up on a farm in a different place in time, almost Mayberry like really. I was shooting guns before I was in the first grade. Knowledge is safety.
Jan
He is amost 7 months, just starting to crawl. We bought a safe for the gun by our bed last night. I also grew up like that.

There are still a lot of people suggesting the "man-up" approch and I'm curious how their marrage is? I'm not trying to bash but I dont need to control my wife and I believe it take more of a man to get a woman to understand ANYTHING a man does than just be mister tough guy and stand up to someone half my size.

She is coming around. We will get out and do some shooting and I think I might have her talked into taking the class just for her to get information.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top