My boyfriend carries a gun & I need advice

This is a discussion on My boyfriend carries a gun & I need advice within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; Hi all -- My name is Kristie and I found this site through a google search.Before this site, I knew next to nothing about guns ...

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Thread: My boyfriend carries a gun & I need advice

  1. #1
    New Member Array kristie's Avatar
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    Jul 2009

    Post My boyfriend carries a gun & I need advice

    Hi all --

    My name is Kristie and I found this site through a google search.Before this site, I knew next to nothing about guns other than the little ones are handguns and the big ones are shotguns. At least, I think that's how it goes. :)

    I did not grow up with guns in the house, and frankly, I'm scared of them. I suppose you could say that I am one of those you guys talk about I come in peace -- this might seem a little odd that I am here posting on a gun forum, but I am coming here because I need to understand the reasoning of why my boyfriend carries a gun.

    I have been lurking here, reading the threads, and you guys are beginning to change my opinion on guns.

    I met my BF on about 3 months ago. I knew that he liked hunting & everything (We are in the midwest and many men here love hunting) and obviously, hunting involves guns and I'm okay with that. They're locked up, I don't need to see them, it's his hobby, whatever's clever.

    What threw me for a loop is that a few weeks ago, my BF and I were out to dinner and when he got up from his seat to use the restroom, his shirt rode up, and that's when I saw the gun. I was shocked, to say the least. I have to admit that I feel anxious. I did not expect him to be carrying a gun. He never told me that he did this, so he might have had the gun with him before and I never noticed.

    It bothered me, yes, but I didn't say anything. Frankly, I was so shocked that I just didn't know how to approach it. He does not talk about guns at all! (or hunting much, for that matter but it isn't deer season right now anyway). I'm assuming he has a CCW permit. After that, I found Defensive Carry on a google search out of pure curiosity.

    Since then, I've been looking for it on him, and because I am purposely *looking* for it, I can tell he has it with him (printing, as you would say. I have to admit, I've learned a lot since I've been lurking). He carries it pretty much everywhere we go, and I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me knows "trouble never takes a holiday" yet there's still that part of me that thinks "slow down, Kristie...this guy might be really paranoid."

    I simply can't make up my mind on how I feel :( I can see both sides of it.

    He's still never said anything to me about the gun and I can't figure out why....? You guys have any ideas? Granted, we haven't been together very long, only 3 months, but I really like this guy. That is why I am here -- had I known he carried a gun everywhere he goes BEFORE I got to know him, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. (I was anti-gun. I didn't know any better. I didn't give guns much thought before I met this guy and came to Defensive Carry).

    But I got to know this guy and I like him so much. That's how I became curious on a subject - guns - that I knew nothing about, yet had a very negative feeling towards (with basically no basis for this stance) before I met him.

    I guess I'm coming out of lurking because I wanted to see if any of you had any advice for me. I'm sure there's plenty of you who are married or have girlfriends who weren't keen (or still dislike) guns.

    I also wanted to thank you. I have learned so much from this forum -- I've learned new terminology, I've learned more about guns in general, gun laws, staying aware of your surroundings, etc. I'm beginning to change my opinion on guns because I *can* see this side of it. Prior to this, I just simply thought all guns were bad and would assume someone who had a cc permit was a "gun nut" -- and now I know that's just simply not true.

    You all just seem so nice and any advice would be much appreciated!
    Last edited by kristie; July 20th, 2009 at 10:40 PM. Reason: clarity

  2. #2
    Senior Member Array mi2az's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    Since his weapon is always on him and never tells you can be attributed to 2 reasons. He is worried to discuss with you and wants to wait until you know each other or It is considered just another article of clothing to wear and feels it does not warrant any discussion.

    So what advice are you looking for ?

    I would not try to change him into not carrying. You could either acknowledge that he has it and would like to learn to shoot or you could acknowledge the gun and say I am glad that you have a hobby you can enjoy
    "When the people fear the government you have tyranny...when the government fears the people you have liberty."

    --Thomas Jefferson --

  3. #3
    Member Array knuckledragr's Avatar
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    Jun 2009
    Sounds like you are on the right track with respect to personal defense and the right to keep and bear arms. Carrying a gun does not make him a gun nut! Fact is that the supreme court has ruled that governments (local, state, and federal) have NO responsibility to protect any of us. It is our right, and indeed our responsibility to protect ourselves and those that are dear to us. Record numbers of people are discovering this, as evident from the backlog in CCW applications all over the country. The crime rate in every state that allows concealed carry has plummeted, while those states who do not allow carry are still seeing surges in violent crime. "The proof is in the pudding" as they say. Your friend is not a nut, he is prudent and prepared.

    As far as breaking the ice with your guy, why not jump in with both feet and ask him to take you shooting? My wife had never shot a gun before she met me, now she enjoys it more than I do! It is a fascinating (and addicting!) sport that anyone can enjoy.

  4. #4
    VIP Member Array First Sgt's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    Florence, SC
    Kristie...First of all, WELCOME to Defensive Carry....Since you have reached the point of reading and reflecting on the carry of weapons, I encourage you to also check out this site: Cornered Cat

    It is a site geared specifically to the ladies. You might feel comfortable in posing your question on that site as well and then going forward with whatever actions you decide to pursue.

    There is also a very knowledgeable lady on this site named LimaTunes. You might want to send her a private message to get her feelings as well.

    Good Luck
    Sometimes in life you have to stand your ground. It's a hard lesson to learn and even most adults don't get it, but in the end only I can be responsible for my life. If faced with any type of adversity, only I can overcome it. Waiting for someone else to take responsibility is a long fruitless wait.

  5. #5
    Member Array cl00bie's Avatar
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    Mar 2008
    Broome County, New York (USA)
    Hello Kristie!

    To determine the reason that your boyfriend carries a gun, you'd really have to ask him, but I can tell you the reason that I carry a gun.

    I live in a fairly safe place. There really isn't a lot of crime around here, and I generally don't go places where I believe I would "need" a gun. If I thought that, I probably wouldn't go there.

    I carry a gun because criminals don't generally stay in bad sections of town. Criminals pick the time, place and type of attack. If I have a gun, I can be ready to protect myself and my loved ones within seconds of determining that we're in danger.

    This may never happen, and as a matter of fact, we generally pray it doesn't. But if it does, I want to be ready. That having been said...

    You will have to determine if you are uncomfortable with your boyfriend carrying a firearm because.

    1. You don't trust his skill, training and temperament and you think his carrying a gun places you in danger.


    2. The fact that he carries a firearm make you think that perhaps the world isn't as safe a place as you'd like to imagine.

    You will have to sort that out with him, explaining your feelings to him in hopefully non-accusatory tones and with an interest to learn.

    My wife was afraid of guns, and I encouraged her to get her pistol permit, and took her to the range and showed her the basics. You might want to ask your boyfriend to take you. Once you learn the rules of safety, target shooting firearms is quite safe. More people are injured on the golf course every year than on the firing range.

    Take care.

    "Those who beat their guns into plowshares will plow for those who didn't." -- Thomas Jefferson

  6. #6
    Senior Member Array highoctane's Avatar
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    Apr 2009
    Great first post! There have been quite a few posts asking about this. This is great. First welcome to the forum. I would just talk to him about. Im sure he wouldnt mind. You said you have been dating a couple of months but you just now noticed it. I would guess he is just prepared. Not paranoid. You would have noticed that by now. Just sneak it in a conversation sometime and see where it leads. I also think its awesome that you are so open minded and actually researching this instead of just kicking him to the curb because he is doing something your not used to. He may have himself a winner here. lol

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array miklcolt45's Avatar
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    @ Wits' End

    My wife wasn't crazy about the idea at first. She also wasn't real thrilled when I received 3 death threats.

    We have talked at length about the responsibility I feel I have to protect myself, and to do all that I can to protect my family. I will likely never have to use a weapon in self-defense. But, I have that choice, if the need should ever arise.

    She has come to feel much more comfortable, even at one point, when things looked a little squirrelly, wanting to know if I had my gun on me. And she was glad I did.

    We don't always see eye to eye. But we do respect one another's opinion. We've been married over 33 years. I guess something is going right.

    Ask questions, like you're doing. Take this on as a research project. Learn all you can, experience all you can, then make up your own mind. You'll come to the right answer for you.
    He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. - Jim Elliott

    The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.
    Albert Einstein

  8. #8
    Distinguished Member Array Arko's Avatar
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    Oct 2008
    Somewhere near Nashville
    First of all, Welcome!
    I'm glad you found us. Your curiosity and open mindedness so far are commendable. I think you'll find everyone here patient, kind and outgoing, eager to help you understand our point of view.

    As for your BF, though I don't know him obviously, It's probably safe to say he's not paranoid. Like most of us, he probably has the mind set that his personal protection is HIS responsibility and it could also be that at least in part he has strong feelings about our constitution and our rights.

    You seem like a decent person, so I doubt you've picked a paranoid scofflaw.

    As to why he hasn't told you: As mentioned he was probably nervous, unsure of how you would react. We as a group don't talk much of it outside places like this either, as we are often viewed badly by those who don't share our point of view, and it can sometimes get personal.

    Stay around, and ask more questions. You may find you like us!
    "Don't Tread on Me"

  9. #9
    Member Array kingdaddyoh's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    Welcome! Hang around for a spell and you'll find a wide assortment of folk from every corner of society here. The common thread is being safe at all times. Or at least safer. It only takes one crazy nut 3 seconds to change someone's whole family, really everyone they know forever. Most of us want it to the crazy nut doing the changing. And some of us are "gun nuts", collecting them as some do art or coins. So when are you getting that little Smith and Wesson 642 made especially for the ladies, wearing pink grips? I bet your friend would drop down on his knee if you casually pulled it out of your purse and ask if he had any extra Gunzilla (a cleaning-lube fluid).
    Ain't no fun when the rabbit has a gun!

  10. #10
    VIP Member Array boricua's Avatar
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    Dec 2008
    Raleigh, NC
    Ask him to take you to the firing range and teach you how to shoot. He'll likely see that you have an interest in guns or personal defense (even if it's not a strong interest).

    After that, you'll either get the bug or not... Who knows, you might end up liking it, which may also strengthen your relationship with him.

    I believe that he prefers to carry concealed and keep the fact that he carries to himself. He's probably being cautious about infoming you of his gun carrying habits because your relationship still "young."

    Another approach might be to discreetly letting him know when he is printing.

    Good luck and hope to see you around here often.
    Duty, Honor, Country...MEDIC!!!
    ¡Cuánto duele crecer, cuan hondo es el dolor de alzarse en puntillas y observar con temblores de angustia, esa cosa tremenda, que es la vida del hombre! - René Marqués

  11. #11
    Member Array violinjim's Avatar
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    Dec 2008
    Buffalo, NY
    Welcome and thank you for posting. Kudos for doing your research before jumping to conclusions about your BF and guns. When my wife asked me about a 2nd date, I was busy and she asked doing what? I replied "plinking". She decided that she wanted to come. 8 years later we're still together. She's a good shot but shows no interest in going shooting or carrying. She knows I carry and doesn't say anything. She knows that I'll teach our daughter when she's ready and that I'll take care to keep them out of her reach.
    Ask him to take you shooting and observe how he acts on the range. By now, you've likely read enough about safe handling of a firearm that you'll be able see how he is with his firearm. If he's reckless or careless, RUN fast and don't see him again.

    Just my $.02.
    Good luck and Welcome to the thread.


  12. #12
    Member Array Swamp Fox's Avatar
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    Jul 2008
    South Carolina
    Telling someone that you haven't known very long is not a natural thing. Too many people jump to conclusions (as you would have). I'm sure it is not a secret he intends to keep. He would probably think it pretty cool if you asked him what that is he has been hiding from you in is trousers.

    My wife has no interest in guns and really doesn't like them at all. However, if we are ever walking across a dark parking lot, the first thing she asks is if I have Joe (her nickname for it).

    If he does have a CCW, he has no felonies. Much of your background check has been done for you.

    And not everyone that carries is a gun nut (hyper-enthusiastic). I have a professional career and carry everyday.

  13. #13
    Member Array cred's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    My wife was all on board for me getting my license because I often work late in bad parts of the city. But when she realized that I was planning on carrying everyday/everywhere she was a little skepticle. We have young children so she was also concerned about them seeing it/ touching it/ or announcing its presence to the world.
    The first time we all were walking through a dark parking lot - that all changed. She told me "it's comforting to know you are carrying".
    In the concealed world, concealed means concealed. I think he would have eventually told you, but he it's obviously not a first date topic. There are as many opinions on this as there are the best carry weapon, but in my opinion you should talk to him about it. The basis of any relationship is communication. I'm sure he will be very impressed that you have gone to such extremes to research the topic. It is good that you asked us. Don't ask your friends as you would compromise his concealment. Read all of the responses here- and talk to him about it. He may be one of the guys responding :)

  14. #14
    VIP Member Array boricua's Avatar
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    Raleigh, NC
    BTW, Welcome to the forum!!
    Duty, Honor, Country...MEDIC!!!
    ¡Cuánto duele crecer, cuan hondo es el dolor de alzarse en puntillas y observar con temblores de angustia, esa cosa tremenda, que es la vida del hombre! - René Marqués

  15. #15
    Member Array KralBlbec's Avatar
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    Nov 2008
    Welcome. I piping in to repeat what others have said. He is probably worried about how to approach the subject to you. Ive seen a few threads on here from guys asking how and when to address the fact that they are armed with their girlfriends. Some advocate doing it on the first date as a trial by fire, others wait until the relationship is "mature". More than likely, he is waiting until he considers it to be stable enough to talk about as some sort of dealbreaker on whether or not to continue.

    Since you already found out about it, it changes the game. I would strongly recommend taking the initiative and asking him to take you to the range. It will impress him for one and I'll wager you will enjoy it.

    It would be funny if he turns out to be one of those who asked about you on the boards recently. :D

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