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Wife says no to carry when with child!

  • Do I Honor Her Wishes?

    Votes: 27 4.9%
  • No, Protect Your Family And Carry

    Votes: 520 95.1%

Wife is PISSED!!!!!!

14K views 180 replies 121 participants last post by  Hotbrass 
#1 ·
She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.

She freaked out today when finding my EMPTY holster still on my pants.

Bottom line she thinks it's too dangerous to carry with the little one in tow and I feel I should be able to protect them if danger arises.

So what to do?
Honer her wishes?
Carry anyway?
 
#38 ·
How did she find out you was carrying?? Are you doing a poor job of concealing it, or are you flaunting it?

"freaked out today" found your empty holster, was she concerned about where you weapon was now that it was not in the holster, was she thinking that the 3.5 year old had access to it now???

It is hard to give advice to some one when you do not know their personal habits and level of responsibility. I am not trying to pick on you but I have no idea how you present yourself and the weapon when around your family, do you have any issues that need to be addressed in respect to that??

Is you wife uncomfortable with guns in general?? If she grew up that way, it took years of influence to get her to that point, so change is not going to happen over night.

You do what you want, but if I were you, I would be owning a very discreet pocket pistol, keeping it out of sight, and not talking about it. Sometimes they may know it's is there, but if they do not have to see it, they deal better with it using the "head in the sand" approach.

Z
 
#39 ·
ED, most of the advice here has come from males. That means we think differently and absorb/process information differently than women. Not being chauvinistic just stating the facts.

I'd say you let her listen to this podcast (actually you should listen to it too) of women that carry every day, including mothers.

http://proarms.podbean.com/mf/web/kjui5i/034.mp3

Another all female podcast (except for Steve's intro and outro). We present a roundtable discussion with Gila Hayes of the Firearms Academy of Seattle and author of several books and many magazine articles, Kathy Jackson of the fabulous Cornered Cat website and Editor of Concealed Carry Magazine, Diane Walls a writer for Women and Guns Magazine and Gail Pepin from this very Podcast. We start out discussing "Women in the gun media" but quickly move on from there. So put your wives, girlfriends, daughters and mothers in the car and play for them this all female discussion of guns.
 
#40 ·
I didn't vote. Getting rid of the wife solves nothing. The child would still not be protected and marriage is more than carrying a gun. Unfortunately in the world we live in the thread of danger to our children is very high. She needs to read all of the above articles, books etc about this. My suggestion would be to sit down with her and explain that the love you have for her and your daughter is above all else. It's with this love that you have to choose carrying a gun against her wishes. Explain to her that you are safe, that you will make sure that when it is not on you that you will have it safely out of reach of your daughter. Do not make this an untimatum but rather a decision based on love and determination to keep them safe.

Good luck. Post and let us know how this progresses.
 
#41 ·
Been there done that.

This is a delicate situation. You must speak to your wife in a language she understands. In other words, be emotionally involved, listen actively, acknowledge what she says, etc. (Acknowledging is not the same as agreeing.) Allow her to express her concerns; she will in return allow you to express yours. It will probably take some time for her to come around but eventually she will. Just hang in there.

In the meantime, send her to corneredcat.com.

The following article by Kathy Jackson was written specifically to address some of your wife's concerns:

Cornered Cat - Why a Gun?

Good luck! And let us know how it turns out.
 
#42 ·
You have a serious problem here. Your wife expects you to provide and care for your family, but wants to take one of the primary means of protection away. You need to get to the root of her fear. As others have suggested, have her read Cornered Cat. Point out news articles to her and ask how you should handle the situation if your unarmed.

In the end it will all come down to one choice. Are you willing to do everything necessary to protect your family. While your wife may not like the choice you make, only you can decide how to best protect them.
 
#43 ·
First off, having a pissed off wife is as predictable as taxes. In terms of the whole gun carry thing, I can’t really help you there. My fiancée has similar views in that she doesn’t believe all venues require carrying a gun. I try to present analogies that she can relate too or at least to consider as comparative logic. “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” :dancing:
Regards,
 
#44 ·
I voted to carry, but I really think it's something you need to work out with your wife.

Internet boards probably aren't the best way to solve problems in a marriage. No one else knows your wife like you do, so talk to her and work it out.

And then I'd carry anyway, even if she didn't like it, but then my wife has a CCW too.

Daryl
 
#46 ·
I normally subscribe to the philosophy that if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.......but I draw the line here.

Ask her if she'd want you to fight back if someone tried to snatch your child. Then ask her how she expects you to do that effectively if you're not armed......

......or maybe she thinks that bad things only happen to other people.
 
#47 ·
I had this problem with my wife, still do to some extent, but she is more open about discussing it with me, and realizes that I am not going to relent. I think I am at the point were I have her wanting to go to the range and learn herself, she's beginning to understand that it for self defense only and that I am not going to play cop as she put it.
 
#48 ·
... she's beginning to understand that it for self defense only and that I am not going to play cop as she put it.
Seems to me that anything is better than having nothing but a finger and a phone, in time of an attack. So long as you're not playing murder-the-children yourself, one would think anything's better than doing nothing. And yet, she knows you. Isn't she already able to scratch that last choice off the list permanently, knowing that you're almost certainly going to give protection your every ounce of effort? Gawd. I just don't get it, sometimes.
 
#49 ·
Honor your wife

Always honor your wife first. Discuss it with her and see if she will come around. If she is that adamant about it and you go against her wishes you may not have a family to protect. That, of course, is the the worst case scenario in the family disagreement. A house divided cannot stand.
 
#50 ·
There are certain thing I will NOT compromise on. Protection of me and my loved ones is at the top of my list. Educate her and try to bring her around but do NOT back down. She will get over it.
 
#51 ·
No reply yet from extreme defender.

Me thinks he is already in the dog house and has no access to the puter!!! :rofl:

Seriously though, her logic escapes me. She doesn't have a problem with you defending yourself but has a problem with being able to defend your daughter??? :scruntiny:

Others have already suggested some good reading and listening material for her. Good luck, keep chipping away at her.
 
#52 ·
I haven't read the whole thread, but basically you need to up your sales skills on this. Don't be confrontational, but you need to get her to sit down at some pre-agreed time to talk about family protection.

Now you flip the burden. Come prepared with some examples and have links to back them up and ask her the question: "If we are threatened by a violent crime while we're out, what do you expect me to do? How do you expect me to defend our family?".

She'll probably try and back out of the discussion and now you need to gauge the situation and see whether to apply the screws gently or forcefully - "honey, you can't bury your head in the sand on this one. Things like this happen every day and it's our responsibility as parents to protect our child's well being as well as our own to be able to support our child." etc.

It may take a while to get her to come around, but remember - all of life is a sales pitch.
 
#53 ·
Sit down and talk ...communication is the most important thing
 
#54 ·
She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.

She freaked out today when finding my EMPTY holster still on my pants.

Bottom line she thinks it's too dangerous to carry with the little one in tow and I feel I should be able to protect them if danger arises.

So what to do?
Honer her wishes?
Carry anyway?
She found out? Hmm, from a woman's point of view I see the problem. She should have found out before she saw the holster. This is a marriage we are talking about here. You took a class, got a license, a holster and never spoke with her about it beforehand?
OK I see part of why she is pissed and honestly I can't say I blame her.
When I decided it was time to start carrying, I told my husband I'm going to take a class and get a CPL, are you taking the class with me? That simple and he said yes. I didn't have to go through all the reasons why I feel the need to carry, he lives in the same real world as I do, and understands why.
A conversation between the two of you should have happened a long time ago and gone on until she understood.
Now you have two problems to deal with, making her understand the necessity for carrying, along with some serious apolgies for not talking with her in the first place. In her mind you went behind her back and made a serious decision without even talking with her about it, not a good way to build and/or keep trust in a relationship. Depending on her nature this may require some serious sucking up to fix along with showing her you can be trusted,with and without the firearm.
Some of the suggestions here are very good, follow them.. Explain everything you learned in your CPL class, take her to the range and show her safe firearms handling and that you know how to do it. Explain that you love her and your child and that you will protect them.
It can be hard enough with some women to convince them guns are safe, the gun is only a tool, and if it is used correctly it can save your life, her life, and the life of your child. I don't care how hard this is, but you have to do it. Anti's can be tough to bring around but it will have to happen.
Once that part is out of the way, then the butt-kissing will have to start as well, since you skipped the step of doing that first. Keep sucking up as long as it takes for her to forgive you for hiding something so important from her in the first place. Wash the brown spot of the end of your nose regularly, until she learns to trust you again.
I know this sounds harsh, but she probably sees it this way. A relationship is built on trust and communication and you failed at both here.
Fix it and don't screw-up like that a second time.:smile:
 
#56 ·
I read through the whole thing hoping somebody would say it and lo, it was the most recent reply. Well said Rugergirl! :wave:

I certainly understand wanting to keep your CC'ing a secret from your coworkers, neighbours, postman, etc. But not your wife. :nono:

I hope you two can work this out. Do it slowly and carefully. And until you've two agreed on it together, don't carry with her and the kids until you agree to do so. In fact a good training exercise after you've discussed it a bit would be to go out for a bit with her and point out all the possible risks in your area.
 
#55 ·
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I highly recommend listening to the most recent Proarms podcast. It's called "Women in the Gun Media", but really is largely about women, their attitude on self defense, how to talk with them about it, etc...by, among others, the woman who runs the excellent 'cornered cat' website.

One big topic they address is how women react to this type of thing, and how to talk with them about it. If she's open to it, you may even be able to get her to listen in since it's also largely by women, for women.

Link to podcast: http://proarms.podbean.com/mf/web/kjui5i/034.mp3

Edit: SORRY! Somehow missed that Miggy had already posted this (and I DO try to read entire threads before responding...thus my low post count!). But a big +1...I'd suggest listening to it first, then seeing how you want to proceed...talking with her, or asking her to listen, then talking. No matter what, there'd better be a lot of talking!
 
#57 ·
Trying not to be a jerk here...

You have a serious problem. She doesn't *get it* and likely never will. If she doesn't *get* Cornered Cat, she is hopeless. One of two choices, be defenseless around your child or clear yourself of dangerous baggage.

I cannot fathom dealing with the problems I read about on this board about wives and guns. I simply cannot process the lack of logic in some people's minds.

For those that aren't married: Be up front with your potential spouse. Do not give up an inch. This isn't about power, control, rights, or "points". It's about lives. Don't waste your time with people (both men and women) that don't *get it*.

OK I'm done.

As before, Cornered Cat is the best resource. I'm not the one to give advice. I take my guns before any woman.
 
#58 ·
I've said it before in threads like these and I will say it again. TALK TO YOUR WIFE. She has reasons and thoughts and experiences behind this fear. Mine did for sure. You may need to change the tack of your approach or listen to her honest concerns and fears, then DON'T JUST ARGUE BACK. Validate her feelings, then discuss yours.

Read a good marriage book together and communicate. Listen, if you married her I am sure that she is a great lady who you love very much. If you love her, value her. She married you because you're a good man, and with love and communication and discussion and consideration this can be overcome.

I would strongly suggest against the Neanderthal tactic. :) ("Me man. Me protect. You dumb. No know how bad is." You get the drill) I had this happen with my wife, and she came around by communication, discussion, and a little understanding.
 
#59 ·
Which is more important to you: temporary peace with your wife, or protecting your family?


I couldn't disagree more with the advice you were given to either submit to her wishes or leave. If it is that big of an issue between you and her that it would destroy the marriage, let that be her choice. Let her leave if she so desires. Otherwise you will be forever blamed for abandoning your child.

Let's say your family is attacked, either at home or out in public. If the BG's want to rape your wife or kidnap your child, you will likely be taken out quick. Do you want your dying thoughts, as you are bleeding out and losing consciousness, to be,"Damn, I should have listened to my instincts instead of placating my wife"?

If my wife ever gives me such an ultimatum, I'll point to the door and tell her she is free to go.

My wife reacted almost as strongly as yours did when I started carrying. I made it clear it was my decision and not hers, and that I would be carrying. Period. She has come to accept it now, and her attitude is changing for the better.

My decision to protect my family. Period. No one else's. If she wants to make it a divorcable issue, so be it. I'll choose more wisely next time.

I don't need a wife, I don't need a marriage, but I'll damn sure protect my family the way I see fit.

Some things in life are nonnegotiable. Protecting my family is one of them.

Done deal. If she wants to argue, that's fine, we'll argue. But in the end, I'll be carrying.

Sure, it's good to talk about it and try to find out her issues. But it's not so good to wait until she's okay with it before you carry. What if she is never okay with it? You gonna gamble with life that the BG's will never cross paths with your family?

I'll not take that gamble, and I have infinite peace about the path I have chosen.

IMO, it is our job as husbands to protect our families, even if they don't see the threat.

I don't need anyone's approval, nor agreement, nor support, nor encouragement, to protect my family. Nor will I seek it.

You cannot stop a mate from divorcing if they are serious, so no need losing sleep over that. If she threatens you with divorce over this, she'll likely play that card again when she doesn't get her way on something else. Better to call her on it now than deal with it year after year after year.

Divorce isn't the end of the world. It may seem like it if you are young, but there are many things worse than divorce--one being watching your family die because you bowed to someone else's poor judgment.


I guess my entire post can be boiled down to the opening question:

Which is more important to you: temporary peace with your wife, or protecting your family?
 
#60 ·
+1 Grady... As usual, you are Spot On! :hand10:

I was just lucky I suppose as I never had that issue with my wife. She and I were on the same page from day one!

To be honest, I don't think I would have been involved with someone for very long who wasn't at least on the same page regarding personal safety and gun issues.

My wife and I have been together since 1983. Almost 2 decades before Missouri even had concealed carry, but we both understood the value of, and owned guns when we met each other. So it was never an issue with me.

Grady, may I ask If you were a gun person before you met your wife, or did you come to realize the benefit of the gun's role in self defense and desire to get your ccw after you were married?
 
#66 ·
Grady, may I ask If you were a gun person before you met your wife, or did you come to realize the benefit of the gun's role in self defense and desire to get your ccw after you were married?
No Sir, I wasn't a gun person early on. I came very late to the party of self-defense and common sense. With respect to the OP, I'll make this short, but I'll include it because it may be relevant to him.

.22 rifle when young. Didn't shoot much, but had it.

After the military, picked up an auto in '86 when I was living in downtown K.C. Left K.C., never shot the gun for over 20 years.

Got busy trying to make a living, believed the lie that America was a safe place unless one went to the bad parts of town. I don't know what I was thinking. I installed deadbolts and an alarm system, but other than that, I was condition white-white-white. In short, I was a ....... moron.

Virginia Tech happened. I realized bad things happen to innocent people.

The rapes/murders of the doctor's family in Cheshire, CT, happened soon after, and sealed the deal. Ain't no way in hell I'll ever be in the situation where I cannot defend my family.

To the OP: you want an idea of what can happen to your family if you submit to your wife's demand to be unarmed? Google Cheshire CT rapes murders. The two young daughters were tied to their beds, raped, had gasoline poured on them, and were burned alive. The mom was raped, went to the bank and withdrew money trying to appease the attackers. When she returned with the money, they strangled her to death as soon as she entered the house. Then they set the girls on fire and left. All 3 females died. The husband had been beaten unconscious in the basement. He escaped and lived. Do you want to guess how many regrets he lives with daily?

So Bark'n, I've got a lot of lost time to make up for. I dodged many bullets concerning the safety of my family. I feel in my soul I've used up all my grace periods, and the next time it'll be for real, and I'll have to be ready.

My family's safety depends on me. My wife doesn't understand the evil in humans, so she doesn't take precautions. I'm a loner, so when we're out, it's me and me alone who will be there to stop any attack.

I made a hard right turn after Virginia Tech and Cheshire, and I ain't never going back. Even if I have to make the trip alone. Done. Forever done.

If I lose every friend I have, it doesn't matter: I'll be armed, and hopefully ready, when the day of evil comes to my family.

I can say in all seriousness, "from my cold, dead hands." :comeandgetsome:
 
#61 ·
Good points, Grady.

OP: Listen to this ~5min video clip of Suzanna Gratia-Hupp explaining the lifelong guilt and horror she'll have to live with knowing she was unable to defend her family during an attack on her and her family, all because she had listened to her legislators and thus left her defensive gun in her truck during that lunch. Her parents were murdered before her eyes. Luby's Cafe was the place. Anytime, anywhere. It can happen to you and your family. The only choice you're going to have is this: what will you be able to do about it. THAT is what this is all about.

This isn't about guns. It isn't about power or control. This isn't about kowtowing to your spouse, or conceding a point and making nice-nice later. It's partly about your spouse not having known about the steps you had taken prior to today. In the end, it's about your family's ability to survive the crime of a modern world. It's about deciding whether you're going to be prepared to protect them, and deciding what you're going to do if your family members are threatened. You have a fire extinguisher, car insurance, a screwdriver, a ladder, spare blankets/water on long trips in the car. Defensive weapons are merely the right tools for the job, the most-effective tools for the purpose, tools for which there are no good substitutes ... like all good tools. As someone pointed out, above, it's emergency life saving equipment and it has its legitimate place for good reason, primarily because there isn't anything else that can do the job nearly as well.
 
#72 ·
Outstanding post!
Well, if Susanna’s video clip doesn’t help to convince her, I don’t believe anything will. Frankly, I was moved by her testimony as it was very well delivered.
Regards,
 
#65 ·
She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.

She freaked out today when finding my EMPTY holster still on my pants.

Bottom line she thinks it's too dangerous to carry with the little one in tow and I feel I should be able to protect them if danger arises.

So what to do?
Honer her wishes?
Carry anyway?
Okay, I've read through the whole thread looking to see if anyone saw the same thing I did and I don't believe I saw it.

I doesn't appear to me that his wife didn't know he carried, but had requested that he not carry when out with his daughter. My first question is did you agree to her request? If so, then I understand her being "pissed" as you put it. She has a right to be because you have broken a trust she had given to you. In that respect, Rugergirl, is absolutely correct in that some major butt-kissing is in order. You and only you will have to work to regain her trust.

Secondly, I agree with the other posters who have said or implied that some deep seeded fear is at work here and needs to be overcome. This may take some time. Here is my example of time taking over 20 years.

From my teenage years all the way through my second year of college, I had very vivid dreams/nightmares of being shot by someone I knew. That coupled with being brought up to believe that only bad people had guns kept me away from firearms until last year. I identified the source of my fear with the help of a psychiatrist during my second year of college, but that fear of guns persisted until I faced it. For me, putting a gun in my hands and firing it under controlled circumstances at the range with proper instruction last year, was the final step for me. Now, I'm a fan, I'm here trying to learn more and I'm researching firearms for my first purchase.​

Finally, I am in no way suggesting that it should take 20 years to get at that fear and overcome it, but it can be done with a willing participant. In the meantime, communication, communication, communication is the key. You and your wife need to have calm, peaceful conversations to get each of your concerns on the table and come to mutual agreement. No amount of force, or fear tactics is going to bring her around.

I didn't not vote, because I don't think an ultimatum is in order here. You and your wife are both responsible for your family and your family's safety and divorce doesn't solve the problem. Keep trying to work together and involve a neutral third party only as agreed on by the two of you.

Good luck my friend and remember what is ultimately important here ... your family. Your RTBA should not be more important than your wife, children and marriage. Only you know your wife. And, none of us here, no matter how well-intentioned, can provide you your answer. You have to decide together what your limits will be.
 
#84 ·
Okay, I've read through the whole thread looking to see if anyone saw the same thing I did and I don't believe I saw it.

I doesn't appear to me that his wife didn't know he carried, but had requested that he not carry when out with his daughter.
Exactly! and it's funny how a story gets twisted thru nine pages (how could the Bible be accurate? :rolleyes:) but it was never decision of anyone leaving. I was asking do I not carry with my daughter as requested or carry anyway? Nobody's leaving that I know of?

My wife is well aware that I normally like to carry, go to the range, have a licence etc. I share target results with her & knowone is in the dark about owning or carrying the gun.

The thread is helping! I have her read a few select post and communication is more open than closed.

What it comes down to (news to me) is that she fears a situation would come up where I may play "hero" (Which I don't understand because I'm not wired that way and am not an aggresive person) but ok........ I leaving communication open.

She is more worried that I would engage in a situation that didn't directly threaten "us" and therefore put the family in harms way by drawing the gun or something of that nature.

Her other beef is that she doesnt understand the "hey look at my new gun"-Which I have done on posts (There is a sport of sorts involved and it's fun to share gear with people that appreciated it right?

I'm trying to work thru it but thanks for all the help Guys & Gals!

I did not carry while out with the family today and didnt like that feeling. :frown::frown:
 
#67 ·
Your wife may know something about you that the rest of us don't know which makes her opposition to you carrying a gun completely reasonable. Or maybe she believes that in the circumstances in which your family lives, the risk/reward analysis favors no carry. Or maybe she has an irrational fear.

Carrying a gun is just one part of a good self-defense plan. And --listen carefully -- it is not the most important part. Conciously keeping yourself out of situations that increase your likelyhood of needing a gun is much more important in a comprehensive self-defense plan.

If you rank all the possible threats to your daughter's well-being (medical, accidents, crime, etc), is carrying a gun really adding much safety to your daughter's life? Is it adding more risk than safety (yes, you incur risks by carrying a gun--have you been honest with yourself about those risks)?

This is a decision you need to make as a couple. And you need to approach these discussions with an open mind. Maybe the right thing for you, for the next few years, is to NOT carry.

Best wishes.
 
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