View Poll Results: Wife says no to carry when with child!
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August 30th, 2009 04:40 AM
Extreme Defender You've come to the right place for advice. There are a lot of knowledgeable folks here who can help. I'm not saying that I'm one of them, but I'll offer my two cents.
OK, here we go...
First, it sounds like your wife is suffering from what is obviously an irrational fear of your gun as a self defense tool! Irrational fears are based both on emotion and a lack of knowledge and understanding.
You are going to have to sit down and have a very frank and candid discussion with her in order to sway her to your obviously correct choice of having a gun to protect you and your family.
How you approach her and how you discuss this is going to make or break it for you. You must be armed with not only facts, but compassion, understanding and the willingness to listen to her side of the equation. She has to be willing to do the same.
The moment you become aggressive towards the issue; or attack her intelligence or make her feel cornered, you've lost the battle... case closed, end of discussion, you lose, thank you for playing!
So, what do we do?
First, you may want to invest quickly in the book already suggested by Massad Ayoob; The Truth About Self Protection! It is a little dated, but the material is spot on and transcends time. There are about 26 chapters or so. Each one is geared to debunk the common myths regarding personal protection. It covers just about everything in the personal protection realm. A majority of it isn't even related to firearms. It debunks the myths of using inferior alternative methods of self defense "tricks" which are often espoused as "The safe way to protect yourself," often found in articles in "women's magazines." Instead, the book offers effective alternatives to the "myths" and explains why one thing works and others do not.
One of the best chapters in the book, is called The Face of The Enemy! It is a real eye opener!
In that chapter, Ayoob very vividly and candidly introduces you to several real life violent offenders who at the time the book was written, doing hard time in prison for their crimes.
He explains the personality, motives, their decision making process and how they target their victims. You get a real sense that when they are out on the street, they are true psychopathic, sociopaths; who have absolutely no compassion towards their victim and are quite merciless and brutal when they attack. Above all they are real! Don't doubt me, they are out there and they are everywhere.
As a paramedic, for the past 30 years I have dealt with victims of violent crime whose numbers are literally in the hundreds. I have been to the scene of well over 100 homicides and have seen the gruesome results up close and personal, since in those cases I had to bag the body and transport them to the morgue.
Bloody, often mutilated and sexually violated, you stand there for a few minutes stunned, trying to take it all in; not believing what you see before you. The odor of blood mixed with sweat and semen on the body, and often the look on the victims face, is something one must experience to be able to appreciate. It makes you wonder just how much horror the victim suffered in their last moments on earth. It will change your life. It will scar you. It never leaves you. It makes you realize what a dangerous world we really walk through every day... Only by the grace of God, some of us are lucky enough not to ever be touched by it. But that is not a given! It can happen to you or your family. If violence does visit you, It will happen without warning. You will never know beforehand that "today is the day" it will happen when you leave the house to go to the store, or go out to eat, or go to that doctors appointment.
Those who are aware of this and prepare for the day, are more aware, better equipped and better able to defend against it, if it ever happens to you. But, make no mistake about it, it is brutal, it is ugly, it happens in the blink of an eye. And most often, your only chance of surviving is by having a gun. Because the gun is the single most effective tool which is capable of immediately stopping an enraged human predator who is often high on narcotics or intoxicated. They will be attempting to overwhelm you and beat you down before you have an opportunity to fight back. The gun is the instant equalizer, and if you want a philosophical analogy, you can read my signature line. There is truth in what it says!
Anyways, I digress... you may want to read Ayoob's book together, or read it first so you can be armed with information to share with her when discussing the subject. Or you can have her read it on her own.
Bottom line, she needs to participate in this discussion. You can not just sit there and lecture her. She is the one who has an irrational fear of carrying a gun to defend your family. You are going to have to make sure she is a willing participant in the learning process or she's just going to put her feet down like a mule and refuse to budge.
Another thing, I would recommend is that you start to referring to the gun as Emergency Life Saving Equipment! In essence, that is exactly what it is. It is merely a tool. One which is called upon in the most dire of circumstances to save your life! No different than a life preserver, a fire extinguisher or an emergency defibrillator. You really should get her to looking at the gun as a tool and as a piece of Life Saving Equipment. She obviously has placed a negative connotation to the object we call a gun, and we need to encourage her to see that tool from a different perspective.
There are lots of publications, facts and statistics out there you can use as tools to help change her perspective. My lord, all you have to do is read the paper or watch the local evening news to see examples of violent crime. You have to remind her that you both, live in the exact same world as all those other victims do.
Finally, there is going to come a point as to what are you going to do, one way or another. You are going to have to ask her if she has faith and trust in your judgment and ability to fulfill your moral obligation as a husband to defend his family from harm. If she can not answer in the affirmative, you are going to have to ask her what she expects out of a marriage, and you will have to act accordingly based on how she responds. Whether you put your foot down or allow her irrational fears destroy your marriage is something only you can decide.
I wish you luck, my friend. If I or anyone here can help further, don't hesitate to ask more questions.
I hope you find something in this post to be beneficial.
Last edited by Bark'n; August 30th, 2009 at 07:31 AM.
Reason: Form, details and grammer!
"The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."
August 30th, 2009 04:48 AM
It's your marriage, and only you can decide what she's willing to put up with.
I'm going to go against the grain here, but press her hard enough and you might find yourself without a family to protect. Just a thought.
August 30th, 2009 05:07 AM
A big + 1 to Bark'n and Spirit51. We all have been on the end results of situations where there could have different results if some accountabity and persons willing and able to intervene might have changed the outcome or even eliminated the need to call us. I do agree that a common understanding is recommended and all these posts are for a her as much as you. We all would like everyone to be responsible enough to handle the duty of protection but we also know many people don't have it in them to do this. This burden may have to fall upon your shoulders for your family's sake. Luck to you and maybe have your wife follow this thread.
August 30th, 2009 06:07 AM
Your wife's attitude sounds a lot like my Mom's attitude toward handguns. My mom, bless her soul, is 73 years old. She firmly believes that the only people who should carry guns are the police & military. NO ONE ELSE. You should have seen her face when I was hired as an ARMED security officer when we first moved to Vegas. She was NOT a very happy camper at all!!!
In my Mom's case I know why she dislikes guns so much. As a child her Dad used to come home drunk from the local bar and "had is gun with him" as he sat in the living room. She was afraid that he would hurt someone while he had his gun with him while drunk. I understand her concerns. I found this out when I was growing up. One day I just asked Mom why she hated guns so much. That's when I discovered her hatred of guns. I can't blame her under the circumstances.
Enough about me & my Mom's issues with guns! You need to ask your wife about her deep seeded fear of guns when you are not by yourself. She has some very serious fear based reason for you NOT carrying while you are with the family.
"Gun control is being able to hit your target."
August 30th, 2009 06:43 AM
+1, sorry man, but that's the impression I get when I here spouses say anything along these lines. Sticky situation, I hope it works out for ya.
Originally Posted by varob
I say carry no matter what, even if you have to go sub compact and deep concealment. If caught and questioned. I'd say, I would rather deal with your frustration here and now, then pray at our child's or your gravestone.
"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." – Luke 22:36
"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so." – Thomas Jefferson
August 30th, 2009 06:51 AM
We're always pissed about something. We DO get over it. Your daughter's life and safety are PARAMOUNT, and so is the safety of you and your wife (kid needs parents!). I wish my husband would carry.
This could be a major issue though, you don't want your marriage to take a hit, either. I say carry, but I say find a way to help her see the light somehow. Maybe take her to meet with a local member of LEO to explain to her all the horrifying crime stats in your little community. Or take a look at how many predators live in your area. As a mother, I can't fathom that she would think of any criminal preying on your daughter and NOT have visions of shooting them. Maybe that will help her come around?
Don't frisk me, I am the weapon.
Sig Sauer P239 DAK (9mm)
NRA Member & Pistol Instructor
August 30th, 2009 06:51 AM
Deep Cover Carry
I agree with you. As much as I know my Mom would take issue with me CCW while with her, she would appreciate it if we were out & I had to protect us. That's why my Dad had me buy a gun for him!
Originally Posted by gottabkiddin
Mom NEVER knew that my Dad had a gun hidden in a very big hollowed out book in his library to protect him & my Mom.
He made me promise to retrieve the book with the hidden gun when he passed away. I made sure that I secretly retrieved the handgun before Mom gave the hollowed out book away with the gun inside. My Dad passed away in April of '08. To this day, my Mom does not know that he wanted a way to protect them while he was alive.
Mom will NEVER find out if I have my way!
"Gun control is being able to hit your target."
August 30th, 2009 07:24 AM
How did she find out you was carrying?? Are you doing a poor job of concealing it, or are you flaunting it?
Originally Posted by Extreme Defender
"freaked out today" found your empty holster, was she concerned about where you weapon was now that it was not in the holster, was she thinking that the 3.5 year old had access to it now???
It is hard to give advice to some one when you do not know their personal habits and level of responsibility. I am not trying to pick on you but I have no idea how you present yourself and the weapon when around your family, do you have any issues that need to be addressed in respect to that??
Is you wife uncomfortable with guns in general?? If she grew up that way, it took years of influence to get her to that point, so change is not going to happen over night.
You do what you want, but if I were you, I would be owning a very discreet pocket pistol, keeping it out of sight, and not talking about it. Sometimes they may know it's is there, but if they do not have to see it, they deal better with it using the "head in the sand" approach.
An ounce of lead is worth 200lbs of cop.
August 30th, 2009 07:48 AM
ED, most of the advice here has come from males. That means we think differently and absorb/process information differently than women. Not being chauvinistic just stating the facts.
I'd say you let her listen to this podcast (actually you should listen to it too) of women that carry every day, including mothers.
Another all female podcast (except for Steve's intro and outro). We present a roundtable discussion with Gila Hayes of the Firearms Academy of Seattle and author of several books and many magazine articles, Kathy Jackson of the fabulous Cornered Cat website and Editor of Concealed Carry Magazine, Diane Walls a writer for Women and Guns Magazine and Gail Pepin from this very Podcast. We start out discussing "Women in the gun media" but quickly move on from there. So put your wives, girlfriends, daughters and mothers in the car and play for them this all female discussion of guns.
You have to make the shot when fire is smoking, people are screaming, dogs are barking, kids are crying and sirens are coming.
Ego will kill you. Leave it at home.
August 30th, 2009 08:02 AM
I didn't vote. Getting rid of the wife solves nothing. The child would still not be protected and marriage is more than carrying a gun. Unfortunately in the world we live in the thread of danger to our children is very high. She needs to read all of the above articles, books etc about this. My suggestion would be to sit down with her and explain that the love you have for her and your daughter is above all else. It's with this love that you have to choose carrying a gun against her wishes. Explain to her that you are safe, that you will make sure that when it is not on you that you will have it safely out of reach of your daughter. Do not make this an untimatum but rather a decision based on love and determination to keep them safe.
Good luck. Post and let us know how this progresses.
2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
August 30th, 2009 08:23 AM
Been there done that.
This is a delicate situation. You must speak to your wife in a language she understands. In other words, be emotionally involved, listen actively, acknowledge what she says, etc. (Acknowledging is not the same as agreeing.) Allow her to express her concerns; she will in return allow you to express yours. It will probably take some time for her to come around but eventually she will. Just hang in there.
In the meantime, send her to corneredcat.com.
The following article by Kathy Jackson was written specifically to address some of your wife's concerns:
Cornered Cat - Why a Gun?
Good luck! And let us know how it turns out.
August 30th, 2009 08:23 AM
You have a serious problem here. Your wife expects you to provide and care for your family, but wants to take one of the primary means of protection away. You need to get to the root of her fear. As others have suggested, have her read Cornered Cat. Point out news articles to her and ask how you should handle the situation if your unarmed.
In the end it will all come down to one choice. Are you willing to do everything necessary to protect your family. While your wife may not like the choice you make, only you can decide how to best protect them.
August 30th, 2009 08:36 AM
First off, having a pissed off wife is as predictable as taxes. In terms of the whole gun carry thing, I can’t really help you there. My fiancée has similar views in that she doesn’t believe all venues require carrying a gun. I try to present analogies that she can relate too or at least to consider as comparative logic. “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”
“Monsters are real and so are ghosts. They live inside of us, and sometimes they win.”
~ Stephen King
August 30th, 2009 08:46 AM
I voted to carry, but I really think it's something you need to work out with your wife.
Internet boards probably aren't the best way to solve problems in a marriage. No one else knows your wife like you do, so talk to her and work it out.
And then I'd carry anyway, even if she didn't like it, but then my wife has a CCW too.
August 30th, 2009 08:53 AM
Don't let her know you're carrying.
Sig 226, 228. Glock 19, 23. Smith Model 60,and 1911. XD45 Tactical. Mossberg 930 SPX.
How we behave as gun owners is important. Posturing and threatening does not serve us well in the public eye.
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