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Wife says no to carry when with child!

  • Do I Honor Her Wishes?

    Votes: 27 4.9%
  • No, Protect Your Family And Carry

    Votes: 520 95.1%

Wife is PISSED!!!!!!

14K views 180 replies 121 participants last post by  Hotbrass 
#1 ·
She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.

She freaked out today when finding my EMPTY holster still on my pants.

Bottom line she thinks it's too dangerous to carry with the little one in tow and I feel I should be able to protect them if danger arises.

So what to do?
Honer her wishes?
Carry anyway?
 
#106 ·
I would think she'd calm down about it after a while and the two of you can talk. If something like this leads to divorce, then there's a different problem.

If your wife doesn't understand, then you'll need to find something else she can relate to to explain why you do it.

My wife didn't know I carried until about a month ago when we were on our way to dinner one night. She didn't understand why I carried and frankly never will. If she and I ever get into another discussion about it, I'll explain how the last thing I would ever want happen is to have harm come to either her or my daughter, but especially my daughter. She knows how much I Love my daughter and would understand my desire to protect her from harm.
 
#107 ·
This is a tough one.

On one hand you are to honor your Wife and if she has this concern then you need to find out why. If Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

On the other hand you have an obligation to protect your family, even at the expense of your own.
 
#108 ·
after having voted and read through all the responses, I am with the majority that you should be carrying and that your wife will appreciate it if the need for self defense arrise. granted, there is a very good chance you will never need your gun. but that small chance you will need it is the only thing that will ensure you and your family's survival. i would rather have the gun on me and never need it than be in a situation without it and try to live with the consequences of that outcome.
your wife should know and trust your actions when it comes to defending you and your family. and being on equal or higher grounds than any bad guy is what this is all about.
 
#109 ·
Think about the case that has been in the news lately with the little girl who was kidnapped and held for 18 years. Ask yourself this - would that situation have been any different had the stepfather (who witnessed the kidnapping and chased the kidnappers as long as he could on a bicycle) had a weapon and was skilled in its use?

I don't know the particulars (how much he saw, how far away he was, lines of fire, etc) but had the opportunity presented itself a good round of .357 through that car's radiator or engine would have significantly changed the situation (as would a round through each of the kidnappers, to be honest).
 
#110 ·
Honor your wives wishes, or be prepared for massive passive aggressive resistance. Mine is the same way. No real need to take it to Target in the city I live in.
If you think your are going on an outing in an area with high potential for danger then tell her, in THIS INSTANCE you would like to carry or prefer you guys not go at all.
This is what I do to compromise.
 
#113 ·
She just needs a little education. Show here articles of people that were broken in to while they were home. Let he know that the world is not as civilized as she might think. She is more afraid of your gun then she is of being broken in to or being put in harms way. Take her shooting regularly. She will come around.
 
#114 ·
I don't claim to be a psychologist, but I think I might have a little insight.
Had your wife previously asked you not to carry with your daughter around, and you did it after telling her you wouldn't? If that's the case, I'm pretty sure she's more pissed that you disregarded her request and did it anyways (trying to avoid an argument, can't blame you there), rather than for actually carrying with your daughter nearby. I'm guilty of several incidents like this in my lifetime. I've learned it's better to have the argument up front and get over it rather than pretend I'm listening and do what I want to do anyways. That only gets them more PO'd. Good luck in the ensuing battle.
 
#115 · (Edited)
I carry around the kids. My wife thinks I carry because I want to shoot someone and be a hero. Im not sure were women get this thoughts. She asked me not to let her know when im carrying, that way its not on her mind. We made a compromise, I never tell her, but deep down I know shes glad its there.
 
#116 ·
She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.
I can't even begin to understand that.

I think you need to find out what her concerns are. If she is a rational person, you should be able to discuss it. If she is not, you have larger problems.
 
#118 ·
The man is suppose to love his wife like Christ loved the church,.. Putting her first in all things, and making choices for safety and well being.. The wife is to respect her husband in choices he makes...

It is only your job, but your responsiblity to protect her and your child as best you can (even with your life),.. To this you know the right choiice.,..
 
#120 ·
The issue is not your child’s safety, but there is another issue.

Let me explain.

My wife is happy that I’m armed 24/7, but her only concern is others knowing that I’m armed. With her she is worried about others seeing a “print” or bulge under my shirt. So when I go out with her for an early diner here on the island, and I’m warring shorts, T-shirt, and flip flops, I compromise and pocket carry a Kel-Tec 380.

What I’m getting at here, is marriage is not about winning arguments, it’s about living a commitment, and that requires compromise. So my advice is to ask her why she is concerned that you’re armed when you’re out with your daughter.

Then address that issue. I’ll bet it’s because she has a fear of guns, or think they can go off accidentally.

If that’s the case, take her to the range sometime when it’s not crowded. (Weekday) If you don’t already own one, buy a 22 for her to target pink with, and before you leave let her shoot your carry pistol.
 
#124 ·
Quote: For me, momma's and kid's safety is more important than momma's happiness. End Quote

It is not so straightforward. If the probabilities were high that they would be in danger I might agree to some compromise. However, the probabilities of them being in danger are miniscule, and I would rather she be happy than to have her angry over something that is less likely to happen than to be struck by lightning. Her unhappiness is a sure thing.
My wife's happiness is more important than my carrying a gun. I am sure if there was a likelihood of her being in danger she would stay away or be glad for protection.

Stay away from dangerous areas and times of the day, be alert, and momma and the kids will be safe, and happy.

I would wonder how long a marriage might last if carrying were more important than her happiness. Imagine the millions of couples who never carry, and yet are never attacked. Sure a small number are, but not a many as get killed in car wrecks.

I wonder where she would go that there would be a high probability of her being in danger. Would it be a mall, or grocery store? If so do you always go with her to those places when you are not working? If not then I would ask if your time and doing what you might want to do at a particular time so that you do not accompany her is more important than her safety?

Regards,
Jerry
 
#126 ·
For me, momma's and kid's safety is more important than momma's happiness.
It is not so straightforward. If the probabilities ...
The thing is, being bummed can be gotten over. The impacts of crime can be forever, without being able to smooth it over or take it back. No getting around that.

If life were simply a matter of probabilities, we'd all roll the dice and end every day without having lifted a finger, for cause. Trouble is, that results in a lot of targets without a choice in the matter.

The solution is to work as a team, not to steamroll the other. That goes for both parties. Stipulating that thou shalt not be armed near me is about as ludicrous and anti-team as stipulating that I'll go armed since I don't care what you think. The middle ground can be found via dialog and focus on the goal of the exercise. It isn't about short-term happiness in a vacuum. It is about long-term happiness, which comes at the tail end of a few choices that matter.
 
#128 ·
OK now that you've agreed to not carry around your family, refuse to go anywhere with them, and spend lots of money building a secure home environment. See how long that lasts.

(Yes I do have a mean streak)
 
#129 ·
Buy her a gun (one she picks with little help from you). Keep it easy to shoot (.380, 9mm, .38, etc). Get her a safe. Take her to the range. Tell her you are worried she might not be able to protect you or the children if something were to happen. Have her share in the responsibility.

PS- Still think a smaller carry (for you) might also solve some concerns for various reasons.
 
#132 ·
Odds are, Grady, you're happy as a clam, too. So's your family. :wave:

Rolls the dice and takes your chances. Have some chance, or haven't a chance in Hades. One percentage seems relevant when one has willfully eliminated the lifesaving gear from the equation: a chance approaching 100% that a lifetime of guilt and frustration over the decision is forthcoming, if crime should strike. That's a hell of a percentage right there. All because a bit of dialog can't be had without the irrational emotionality that turns a piece of lifesaving gear into more than it is.

Almost everything else can be gotten over, so long as people get over themselves and be willing to think of things for what they are.

All one needs to do is pick up the keys, wallet, firearm/ammo, rain jacket, cell phone, and then have a good time. When it comes down to it, these are simply the right tools for the problem, for which there is no good substitute. They're not evil, they're not dangerous. They're merely the correct choice ... like picking the steak knife for the T-bone.

Life is an exercise in rationality, over time. Want to survive it? Work on it, and work through it. Surprisingly few problems cannot be surmounted, with just a bit of effort and a mutual desire to solve it. Simply feeling one's way through life can result in a very painful existence. It need not be so difficult.
 
#134 ·
Odds are, Grady, you're happy as a clam, too. So's your family. :wave:
:wave: Happy, and safe, thanks. And I view safe as being more important, for without safety, we may not have the opportunity to be alive, much less happy.

Here's what my insistence on being armed has done: my wife accepts it now. My daughter accepts it. My daughter handles one of my guns almost daily as we prepare for the drive to school and work. She no longer fears the metal. She grabs it surehandedly as I hand it to her to put in its place, rather than by her fingertips as she did in the beginning.

Just the other day my wife did something I thought I'd never see: As I got home from work carrying my car gun into the kitchen, the phone rang. I answered, and then promptly forgot the big pistol on the counter (bad, I know, but no young kids in the house).

Sometime later after my wife came home, she picked up my gun, brought it downstairs to my desk in the basement, and said, "You forgot this." The best part was she did it all without an attitude. I think I would have been less surprised if I had witnessed the parting of the Jordan.

My family is safer because I carry. Always when I am with them. Her happiness is a choice she makes. I have learned that I am not responsible for her happiness, nor is she for mine. Yes, we can try to be civil and loving to each other, and do, but in the end, we are each responsible for our own happiness.

If someone chooses to be unhappy because their mate is taking safety precautions that one doesn't agree with, that is their own choice. Let them live in their own unhappiness if they so choose.

I choose life, for me and my family. Happiness is optional. I'll do what I can for her, but in the end, happiness is her choice. If she is so immature to be unhappy because I'm taking steps to protect her, well, I'll still protect her in her unhappiness, and hope that someday she'll mature enough to realize how she is shortchanging herself.

Life is good. It is good to be able to protect one's family. This is my destiny, and this is how it was designed to be. I don't need anyone's permission to do so, and I will never ask. As I've said before, a funny thing happened once I determined to carry. We had several arguments about it, but once she realized I was set, she quit arguing, and she showed me much more respect. In her soul, she became happier and more content. I'll leave it to the psychologists to determine exactly why.

You young guys who are asking permission to protect your families, you don't understand your position yet. You are wasting time, as I wasted years. Some of you will never understand what it means to lead a family if you can't make a simple decision like this.

Some of you older guys who mention compromise and seeking common ground, you have forgotten (or never knew) how unreasonable some mates can be. Good for you. Glad you married a reasonable human. Sad to say that all humans are not reasonable. Your points of talking it out are irrelevant for some couples because it isn't possible with some mates. Count your blessings, and be cautious about judging those of us who are forced to lead by example, alone, rather than being able to reach a consensus.

A consensus is not always possible. When it isn't, someone has to make a decision.

Life is good. This is my destiny, to be the leader and protector of my family, even if they do not currently understand the threat. I can, and will, do this alone if necessary, for as long as it takes.

You who have mates who understand and assist are fortunate. The rest of us fight the battle alone. I pity the husband who asks permission to defend his wife, for he does not understand his role yet. I hope his family survives long enough for him to understand and act, for if they don't, he will never forgive himself for not being prepared when their time of need came.

Some of you will never understand what it means to lead a family and make an unpopular decision that you know is right. You will search for compromise and peace all your lives, and it will elude you because you will be forever trying to please someone else. If that someone else is hard to please, or immature, or vindictive, you have signed your happiness death warrant.

Sometimes what is needed is to just do the right thing period, and let the chips fall where they may.

I wish I had known this freedom decades ago when I first married, but like an idiot I searched for compromise on every issue. How stupid I was.

We are more fulfilled, more content, and safer now than we were when I sought to reach a consensus on every issue. We divide up some issues for each to direct, rather than try to negotiate every issue. Safety is mine by default since she doesn't recognize the danger, and I'd be a fool to agree to lower our safety threshold just to seek some hollow peace through consensus with her, "peace" which would be obliterated at the first instant of a criminal attack. No amount of false peace is worth that to me.

If a man is not willing to protect his own family, who will? Random chance? A BG's mercy? For you Christians who think God will protect you in every situation, I can give you names and dates of Christians who were gunned down right alongside non-Christians. I don't believe that crap about "well, whatever happens is God's will.'' BS. Our decisions are often factors, and sometimes the determining factors, of what happens.

Learn to take care of your family, or shut the hell up when they become crime victims because you were too passive to do what needed done... because you didn't have permission. Damn. You're missing out, guys, and you're placing your families at risk.
 
#133 ·
That's like your wife asking you not to wear your seat belt when your child is in the car with you.

Her safety aside, you have the right to protect yourself and your child.

Stand your ground and be the MAN in the house.
Just go about it in a caring thoughtful manner. Maybe she could attend a CCW Class with you, to make her feel included.

Just my 2cents.
Good luck one this one.
 
#135 ·
grady,

Great post!!!! :congrats:

You speak with experience and address the real world we all walk though.
You talk about the family where the wife and two daughters were tortured and killed. We had a incident in one of our little towns close to here. Man and wife and grand daughter were killed in their home.

Remember the women who were kidnapped, robbed, and raped in Florida...last one taken was killed along with her young daughter.
There was a young woman taken from a mall parking lot in broad daylight in KC...raped and killed. Women taken from grocery stores in not unheard of either.
The list is long....the incidents vary...as do the locations. Funny how some just seem to ignore it. I guess they don't read the papers....websites....or just turn off the TV when it gets "scary".
Those people hide their heads in the sand. There is another name for them....TARGETS. This is a label I think you and I and many others refuse to wear.
Thanks for addressing that person who I can only think is a :sheep:
 
#136 ·
Since this topic has generated fourteen pages of responses, what I am about to say may have already been said. I am in no mood to read through fourteen pages of psychobable, consolation, theory and strategy for dealing with the other half.

If your wife doesn't "get it" it is up to you to decide what to do. In short, decide who wears the pants in your family.

There is a time for discussion, but to me this certainly isn't it. On some things, I don't care what my wife's views are. On other things I do, and will even do what she wants. We each have certain things that we will not budge on. This comes from a mutual respect that I doubt you have.

The fact that you are posting this in a public forum gives me pause as to your suitability to protect and cherish the woman you married, and your child. If you had married my daughter I would be helping her to move out of your life. In short, make a decision, on your own and not based on a popularity contest or poll, and stick to it.

Your dilema is what is wrong with society today, IMO. This shouldn't even be a topic for discussion.

Biker
 
#137 ·
Amen to Grady and BikerRN. All decisions need to be discussed, but if a solution can't be reached it's up to someone to make a decision whether popular or not. Everyone should be open to listen to their better half's opinion, but in the end some things can't be compromised.

It does make me sad when it takes some guys years to wear down their wives/girlfriends to "let" them carry. I think RugerGirl had it right when she said she came home and said "I'm taking the class to get my CCL, do you wanna go?" Not an exact quote. I'm open for debate on any topic. I just don't have to change my mind.
 
#138 ·
Like BikerRN, I did not read 14 pages of posts but, I see two issues; the first is that it appears you (the op) agreed to go with her wishes that you not carry if your child is present. If that is the case you broke your promise to her and she has a right to be PISSED AS H*** with you!:twak::spankme: Sorry guys he does not need to wear the pants; if he said he would not carry when out with the child he needs to man up and take his lumps. The rest of us may have a problem with his agreeing with he wishs but that is a different thing. (If) He broke his word he made his bed and it is on the couch!!
Issue two; a need to take about make a change in the agreement made with her about carrying with the child in tow. That is going to take awhile. As others have said; there is something that cause her to feel ill-at-ease when it comes to you/gun/child out together. Those are the fact you need to check out. After you have got your relationship back on track from issue #1; work on issue #2 but make sure you have her trust back. Agin sorry guys; happy that the "wearing the pants" thing works at your house with your wife but that does not work every where!!
 
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