Wife is PISSED!!!!!!

[David in FL]

I normally subscribe to the philosophy that if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.......but I draw the line here.

Ask her if she'd want you to fight back if someone tried to snatch your child. Then ask her how she expects you to do that effectively if you're not armed......

......or maybe she thinks that bad things only happen to other people.

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[shooterX]

I had this problem with my wife, still do to some extent, but she is more open about discussing it with me, and realizes that I am not going to relent. I think I am at the point were I have her wanting to go to the range and learn herself, she's beginning to understand that it for self defense only and that I am not going to play cop as she put it.

[ccw9mm]

... she's beginning to understand that it for self defense only and that I am not going to play cop as she put it.

Seems to me that anything is better than having nothing but a finger and a phone, in time of an attack. So long as you're not playing murder-the-children yourself, one would think anything's better than doing nothing. And yet, she knows you. Isn't she already able to scratch that last choice off the list permanently, knowing that you're almost certainly going to give protection your every ounce of effort? Gawd. I just don't get it, sometimes.

[chains1240]

Always honor your wife first. Discuss it with her and see if she will come around. If she is that adamant about it and you go against her wishes you may not have a family to protect. That, of course, is the the worst case scenario in the family disagreement. A house divided cannot stand.

[jwhite75]

There are certain thing I will NOT compromise on. Protection of me and my loved ones is at the top of my list. Educate her and try to bring her around but do NOT back down. She will get over it.

[spooter66]

No reply yet from extreme defender.

Me thinks he is already in the dog house and has no access to the puter!!!

Seriously though, her logic escapes me. She doesn't have a problem with you defending yourself but has a problem with being able to defend your daughter???

Others have already suggested some good reading and listening material for her. Good luck, keep chipping away at her.

[Cycler]

I haven't read the whole thread, but basically you need to up your sales skills on this. Don't be confrontational, but you need to get her to sit down at some pre-agreed time to talk about family protection.

Now you flip the burden. Come prepared with some examples and have links to back them up and ask her the question: "If we are threatened by a violent crime while we're out, what do you expect me to do? How do you expect me to defend our family?".

She'll probably try and back out of the discussion and now you need to gauge the situation and see whether to apply the screws gently or forcefully - "honey, you can't bury your head in the sand on this one. Things like this happen every day and it's our responsibility as parents to protect our child's well being as well as our own to be able to support our child." etc.

It may take a while to get her to come around, but remember - all of life is a sales pitch.

[aimhigh]

Sit down and talk ...communication is the most important thing

[Rugergirl]

She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.

She freaked out today when finding my EMPTY holster still on my pants.

Bottom line she thinks it's too dangerous to carry with the little one in tow and I feel I should be able to protect them if danger arises.

So what to do?
Honer her wishes?
Carry anyway?

She found out? Hmm, from a woman's point of view I see the problem. She should have found out before she saw the holster. This is a marriage we are talking about here. You took a class, got a license, a holster and never spoke with her about it beforehand?
OK I see part of why she is pissed and honestly I can't say I blame her.
When I decided it was time to start carrying, I told my husband I'm going to take a class and get a CPL, are you taking the class with me? That simple and he said yes. I didn't have to go through all the reasons why I feel the need to carry, he lives in the same real world as I do, and understands why.
A conversation between the two of you should have happened a long time ago and gone on until she understood.
Now you have two problems to deal with, making her understand the necessity for carrying, along with some serious apolgies for not talking with her in the first place. In her mind you went behind her back and made a serious decision without even talking with her about it, not a good way to build and/or keep trust in a relationship. Depending on her nature this may require some serious sucking up to fix along with showing her you can be trusted,with and without the firearm.
Some of the suggestions here are very good, follow them.. Explain everything you learned in your CPL class, take her to the range and show her safe firearms handling and that you know how to do it. Explain that you love her and your child and that you will protect them.
It can be hard enough with some women to convince them guns are safe, the gun is only a tool, and if it is used correctly it can save your life, her life, and the life of your child. I don't care how hard this is, but you have to do it. Anti's can be tough to bring around but it will have to happen.
Once that part is out of the way, then the butt-kissing will have to start as well, since you skipped the step of doing that first. Keep sucking up as long as it takes for her to forgive you for hiding something so important from her in the first place. Wash the brown spot of the end of your nose regularly, until she learns to trust you again.
I know this sounds harsh, but she probably sees it this way. A relationship is built on trust and communication and you failed at both here.
Fix it and don't screw-up like that a second time.

[cj]

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I highly recommend listening to the most recent Proarms podcast. It's called "Women in the Gun Media", but really is largely about women, their attitude on self defense, how to talk with them about it, etc...by, among others, the woman who runs the excellent 'cornered cat' website.

One big topic they address is how women react to this type of thing, and how to talk with them about it. If she's open to it, you may even be able to get her to listen in since it's also largely by women, for women.

Link to podcast: http://proarms.podbean.com/mf/web/kjui5i/034.mp3

Edit: SORRY! Somehow missed that Miggy had already posted this (and I DO try to read entire threads before responding...thus my low post count!). But a big +1...I'd suggest listening to it first, then seeing how you want to proceed...talking with her, or asking her to listen, then talking. No matter what, there'd better be a lot of talking!

[theotherlis]

She found out? Hmm, from a woman's point of view I see the problem. She should have found out before she saw the holster. This is a marriage we are talking about here. You took a class, got a license, a holster and never spoke with her about it beforehand?
OK I see part of why she is pissed and honestly I can't say I blame her.
When I decided it was time to start carrying, I told my husband I'm going to take a class and get a CPL, are you taking the class with me? That simple and he said yes. I didn't have to go through all the reasons why I feel the need to carry, he lives in the same real world as I do, and understands why.
A conversation between the two of you should have happened a long time ago and gone on until she understood.
Now you have two problems to deal with, making her understand the necessity for carrying, along with some serious apolgies for not talking with her in the first place. In her mind you went behind her back and made a serious decision without even talking with her about it, not a good way to build and/or keep trust in a relationship. Depending on her nature this may require some serious sucking up to fix along with showing her you can be trusted,with and without the firearm.
Some of the suggestions here are very good, follow them.. Explain everything you learned in your CPL class, take her to the range and show her safe firearms handling and that you know how to do it. Explain that you love her and your child and that you will protect them.
It can be hard enough with some women to convince them guns are safe, the gun is only a tool, and if it is used correctly it can save your life, her life, and the life of your child. I don't care how hard this is, but you have to do it. Anti's can be tough to bring around but it will have to happen.
Once that part is out of the way, then the butt-kissing will have to start as well, since you skipped the step of doing that first. Keep sucking up as long as it takes for her to forgive you for hiding something so important from her in the first place. Wash the brown spot of the end of your nose regularly, until she learns to trust you again.
I know this sounds harsh, but she probably sees it this way. A relationship is built on trust and communication and you failed at both here.
Fix it and don't screw-up like that a second time.

I read through the whole thing hoping somebody would say it and lo, it was the most recent reply. Well said Rugergirl!

I certainly understand wanting to keep your CC'ing a secret from your coworkers, neighbours, postman, etc. But not your wife.

I hope you two can work this out. Do it slowly and carefully. And until you've two agreed on it together, don't carry with her and the kids until you agree to do so. In fact a good training exercise after you've discussed it a bit would be to go out for a bit with her and point out all the possible risks in your area.

[Tubby45]

Trying not to be a jerk here...

You have a serious problem. She doesn't *get it* and likely never will. If she doesn't *get* Cornered Cat, she is hopeless. One of two choices, be defenseless around your child or clear yourself of dangerous baggage.

I cannot fathom dealing with the problems I read about on this board about wives and guns. I simply cannot process the lack of logic in some people's minds.

For those that aren't married: Be up front with your potential spouse. Do not give up an inch. This isn't about power, control, rights, or "points". It's about lives. Don't waste your time with people (both men and women) that don't *get it*.

OK I'm done.

As before, Cornered Cat is the best resource. I'm not the one to give advice. I take my guns before any woman.

[MinistrMalic]

I've said it before in threads like these and I will say it again. TALK TO YOUR WIFE. She has reasons and thoughts and experiences behind this fear. Mine did for sure. You may need to change the tack of your approach or listen to her honest concerns and fears, then DON'T JUST ARGUE BACK. Validate her feelings, then discuss yours.

Read a good marriage book together and communicate. Listen, if you married her I am sure that she is a great lady who you love very much. If you love her, value her. She married you because you're a good man, and with love and communication and discussion and consideration this can be overcome.

I would strongly suggest against the Neanderthal tactic. :) ("Me man. Me protect. You dumb. No know how bad is." You get the drill) I had this happen with my wife, and she came around by communication, discussion, and a little understanding.

[grady]

Which is more important to you: temporary peace with your wife, or protecting your family?


I couldn't disagree more with the advice you were given to either submit to her wishes or leave. If it is that big of an issue between you and her that it would destroy the marriage, let that be her choice. Let her leave if she so desires. Otherwise you will be forever blamed for abandoning your child.

Let's say your family is attacked, either at home or out in public. If the BG's want to rape your wife or kidnap your child, you will likely be taken out quick. Do you want your dying thoughts, as you are bleeding out and losing consciousness, to be,"Damn, I should have listened to my instincts instead of placating my wife"?

If my wife ever gives me such an ultimatum, I'll point to the door and tell her she is free to go.

My wife reacted almost as strongly as yours did when I started carrying. I made it clear it was my decision and not hers, and that I would be carrying. Period. She has come to accept it now, and her attitude is changing for the better.

My decision to protect my family. Period. No one else's. If she wants to make it a divorcable issue, so be it. I'll choose more wisely next time.

I don't need a wife, I don't need a marriage, but I'll damn sure protect my family the way I see fit.

Some things in life are nonnegotiable. Protecting my family is one of them.

Done deal. If she wants to argue, that's fine, we'll argue. But in the end, I'll be carrying.

Sure, it's good to talk about it and try to find out her issues. But it's not so good to wait until she's okay with it before you carry. What if she is never okay with it? You gonna gamble with life that the BG's will never cross paths with your family?

I'll not take that gamble, and I have infinite peace about the path I have chosen.

IMO, it is our job as husbands to protect our families, even if they don't see the threat.

I don't need anyone's approval, nor agreement, nor support, nor encouragement, to protect my family. Nor will I seek it.

You cannot stop a mate from divorcing if they are serious, so no need losing sleep over that. If she threatens you with divorce over this, she'll likely play that card again when she doesn't get her way on something else. Better to call her on it now than deal with it year after year after year.

Divorce isn't the end of the world. It may seem like it if you are young, but there are many things worse than divorce--one being watching your family die because you bowed to someone else's poor judgment.


I guess my entire post can be boiled down to the opening question:

Which is more important to you: temporary peace with your wife, or protecting your family?

[Bark'n]

+1 Grady... As usual, you are Spot On!

I was just lucky I suppose as I never had that issue with my wife. She and I were on the same page from day one!

To be honest, I don't think I would have been involved with someone for very long who wasn't at least on the same page regarding personal safety and gun issues.

My wife and I have been together since 1983. Almost 2 decades before Missouri even had concealed carry, but we both understood the value of, and owned guns when we met each other. So it was never an issue with me.

Grady, may I ask If you were a gun person before you met your wife, or did you come to realize the benefit of the gun's role in self defense and desire to get your ccw after you were married?