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Wife says no to carry when with child!

  • Do I Honor Her Wishes?

    Votes: 27 4.9%
  • No, Protect Your Family And Carry

    Votes: 520 95.1%

Wife is PISSED!!!!!!

14K views 180 replies 121 participants last post by  Hotbrass 
#1 ·
She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.

She freaked out today when finding my EMPTY holster still on my pants.

Bottom line she thinks it's too dangerous to carry with the little one in tow and I feel I should be able to protect them if danger arises.

So what to do?
Honer her wishes?
Carry anyway?
 
#2 ·
Nobody I love or care for or under my need for protecting is going to be unprotected at any time so long as I am able to protect them or myself to continue protecting them from possible harm. No two ways about it. You're going to have to work this out at home, and to all that, I wish you good luck. I do feel that you have the better stand for the sake of argument, and I'm sure there will be some of that now.
 
#70 ·
Exactly how I feel.

Go to this site:

Armor of New Hampshire: Author: Massad Ayoob - Books

and buy her the book "Truth About Self Protection" by Massad Ayoob.

This book explains the need with facts...interviews with criminals...and explains many ways in which self defense is needed and can be archived. It is not just about weapons and lethal force, though it is there too.

I don't believe your wife really understands the type of world we live in. This book is a good eye opener for her. You do need to approach it in a positive way. Try not to fight....request she read it so you both can have a cool discussion on the matter. I hope she will understand that the only dangerous part of it is if you DON'T have your weapon when it is needed. How would you protect her and your lovely daughter without it. Explain to her that at the scene of most crimes there are only two sets of people....the criminals and the victims. Police don't show up until later...when the crime is either done or stopped. Have her go to some of the sites ran by women who believe in self defense like Cornered Cat.
Stress to her that this is important to you that you be able to protect her and your child if crime finds you. Also explain what type of actions you may need to take in given situations. Let her know what she will have to do also...like drop to the ground with the child...roll under a parked car...ect. Explain to her your personal family defense team needs her and her support.

I hope this works out for you. Too many women don't really understand what personal self defense means. I saw that too many times when working EMS in the Metro area. My experiences there made a believer out of me. We I go with my daughter and grand daughter...they know I carry concealed and why and what they need to do if I am ever called on by incident to use it. Get down...roll under a car...use the cell to call 911 and keep hidden until police arrive....NO MATTER WHAT.
+1 to the book, if you can even get her to read it.
 
#5 ·
Well, she's OK with your carrying a gun as long as it isn't around your family ? Uh .... what can be said about that ? She doesn't get it.... period.

If you are carrying wisely , which it sounds like you are, what is it that she thinks is going to happen ? The gun won't go off on it's own, and you have the trigger covered with the holster. How much confidence does that say that she has in your judgment ?

Ask her, if someone came up with a gun and / or was kidnapping your kid, would she rather you only be able to wave to them goodbye.

Don't under-estimate that either, I was in that situation.... the guy was not armed that I know, but I charged him and didn't care either..... he let her go and ran 'really' fast. I've never seen anyone disappear so fast.
 
#6 ·
Not married myself, but this is a serious issue that needs to talked about asap. If she freaks about a holster then there are going to be problems. The only similar argument I've ever had was carrying in the house, only because cuddling was uncomfortable. Get to the heart of her objection, and why she thinks this.
 
#7 ·
You need to find out just why she feels this way. Sounds like she has a reason for thinking this way, now you need to find out why that is and educated her on the facts. It may be easier said than done, but it is your responsibility as a father and husband to be able to protect your loved ones...

Good luck,
 
#9 ·
You need to find out just why she feels this way. Sounds like she has a reason for thinking this way, now you need to find out why that is and educate her on the facts. It may be easier said than done, but it is your responsibility as a father and husband to be able to protect your loved ones...

Good luck,
+1
Well said kelly! :hand10:
 
#10 ·
Go to this site:

Armor of New Hampshire: Author: Massad Ayoob - Books

and buy her the book "Truth About Self Protection" by Massad Ayoob.

This book explains the need with facts...interviews with criminals...and explains many ways in which self defense is needed and can be archived. It is not just about weapons and lethal force, though it is there too.

I don't believe your wife really understands the type of world we live in. This book is a good eye opener for her. You do need to approach it in a positive way. Try not to fight....request she read it so you both can have a cool discussion on the matter. I hope she will understand that the only dangerous part of it is if you DON'T have your weapon when it is needed. How would you protect her and your lovely daughter without it. Explain to her that at the scene of most crimes there are only two sets of people....the criminals and the victims. Police don't show up until later...when the crime is either done or stopped. Have her go to some of the sites ran by women who believe in self defense like Cornered Cat.
Stress to her that this is important to you that you be able to protect her and your child if crime finds you. Also explain what type of actions you may need to take in given situations. Let her know what she will have to do also...like drop to the ground with the child...roll under a parked car...ect. Explain to her your personal family defense team needs her and her support.

I hope this works out for you. Too many women don't really understand what personal self defense means. I saw that too many times when working EMS in the Metro area. My experiences there made a believer out of me. We I go with my daughter and grand daughter...they know I carry concealed and why and what they need to do if I am ever called on by incident to use it. Get down...roll under a car...use the cell to call 911 and keep hidden until police arrive....NO MATTER WHAT.
 
#11 ·
The Truth About Self Defense, by Ayoob, is a pretty good book and is an excellent overview of the subject. It describes why the head-in-sand approach can get you killed. It lays out the pros/cons of taking certain security precautions. It can help provide her with the terminology that you both need to be able to speak intelligently instead of merely emotionally, on a subject that's at the core of your family's security, and at the core of your trust between you two.

She found out that i was carrying the other day while out with her and my 3.5 year old daughter. My wife has asked me not to carry when out with my daughter.
You have a real problem, here.

Your whole point of carrying the means of defense is to protect your family and yourself, yet she's disallowing you to do exactly that.

The next step in the logical line of thinking is: it's the children, or your firearms ... take it or leave it.

She seems adamant enough to destroy the marriage over it. She seems apparently fearful enough that it's clouding her thinking as to relative degree of importance.

The WHOLE POINT is to protect the family, which I'm betting really isn't far off from her primary goals as well. It's simply the manner in which you're choosing to do it that gets her goat. That, and the fact that she was just surprised with this information.

You do realize that the lack of trust, here, stems from not knowing this before, and from feeling she was blindsided by this.

Time to talk about it. It's going to sting. It might not end the way you think it will. It might well not end with you two together, sad as that sounds. But it surely isn't going to improve without working through it.

As for how to have that discussion, I don't have many suggestions. I'm all for doing it gently, but I'm never for "dancing" around a topic. That isn't much help, I know.

Perhaps ask the pastor to assist in helping you to cover the subject of family health, well-being, safety and the goal of protecting your family. Perhaps the "problem" can be put into non-confrontational terms, getting to the root of the challenge of safety/security, such that the surface topic of firearms can then be handled while understanding its rightful position in the food chain of issues.

What we understand, here, is that a defensive firearm and related training is merely the best tool for the job, much like a fire extinguisher or car insurance. She doesn't yet get it, and/or she's clouded by the fear it cannot be kept around your child while simultaneously ensuring the gun is kept safely. She's also not happy about finding out this information just now. That breach of trust is going to take a bit of deft handling on your part, as it cuts to the core.

If they're worth it, you'll do what you need to do. If she feels you both are worth it, she'll see the point you are making with the tools/training (even if she doesn't like the tool).

Good luck.

BTW, my position is that nobody I love is going to remain unprotected while I'm around. I might not be able to stop everything, nor might I be able to last very long, but I'll be damned if I am going to go unarmed and utterly incapable of doing anything for those I love. It's fairly irrelevant who gets upset, by comparison. That being said, there are plenty of ways to remain "armed" ... and a firearm isn't the only option.
 
#12 ·
Just another thought. Refer her to this web site and ask questions. There are many women here besides me that can give her our take on issues on this.
Tell her to feel free to private message me if I can help. After all this is not so much for you, but for her and your daughter. I would be happy to help anyway possible...as I am sure any woman from this forum would. Good luck to you both.

(BTW...I didn't vote, because I don't think either is a good option for you.)
 
#15 ·
That is exactly the WRONG way for him to approach his wife. Verbally attacking her is not going to advance the matter for either of them.

He needs to have a cool, frank discussion with her as to WHY she is so opposed. He needs to get her more valid information on the subject.
He needs to get her to work WITH him...as part of the family defense team. Has he discussed what she should do if they had a intruder in night? Has he discussed what type of crimes they could have visited on them? Has he EVER talked openly and frankly about this issue?
Time for a informed and adult discussion. You don't start out by attacking her parenting skills. I am sure she would disagree to the max....thus snapping a lid on any further discourse on the subject.

It is always a good idea to THINK before you SPEAK.
 
#16 ·
So let me get this straight, your wife, who is the biological mother of the child, feels that you should not carry a tool with you that may very well save the life of your child because it is too dangerous?

Is she OK with this same child riding in an automobile? Your daughter is much more likely to be injured or killed in a car wreck than by your gun.

Does this child take baths? She is much more likely to drown in the bath tub than to be injured by your gun.

Does she go to the doctor? She is much more likely to be injured by a negligent doctor or nurse giving her the wrong medication that she is to be injured by your gun.

Your wife is being irrational and you should do everything you can to explain it to her. But you should not back down from carrying the tool that may save your life, your child's life and the life of your wife.
 
#18 ·
I agree with that. It seems this woman has irrational fears. He needs to find out why. I would bid she doesn't have good solid facts. I have carried for years. In my city...a small woman in EMS is subject to many threats. I have been armed since the late 80s. I have never had to use it, but have felt the security and freedom of being able to defend myself if needed....as well as my child....and now my grand child. I found out from my years as a street medic just how dangerous it can be if you are not prepared. She needs the education, but if he approaches it "Heavy Handed" it will not be good. I am just trying to find a way for his entire family to "win" this one.
 
#20 ·
My wife understood that was even more important for me to carry when the kids are were us. They are all adults now so we rarely are all out together, but wife knows and understands that neither of us are protected if I leave my gun at home....
 
#22 ·
Brother, all I can say is this: 3-10 minutes is the average expected response time (often can be longer, depends on how they prioritize your specific call) for PD, not including the time to retreive/get to a phone and make the call. The response time of a shooter and bullet is 3-5 seconds.

Education is key with the little one. At that age, you have to be the responsible one and child-proof your home and firearms (gun safe!). When the little one gets close to it in curiosity, give that firm parental NO! Then educate the wife as to where you carry on your person, how to get it out of the holster, and how to shoot it...after all, she could be the one to save your life if you're the victim and can't respond for one reason or another.


When 911 just won't be fast enough, we carry.
 
#23 ·
My wife is the same way in many aspects. When she sees
me carrying with the kids around she looks at me like I'm less of a man. "Why do you need that?". She thinks that because we have t needed it so far we never will and that I am just paranoid. I carry anyway.
 
#28 ·
Bottom line she thinks it's too dangerous to carry with the little one in tow ...
She's incorrect.

If you've got the training and experience to show here, do so. If not, get that training and then show her. Ultimately, involve her in suitable training so that you can both operate as a much more effective team on this point, as it can make all the difference. Teamwork helps the team win, in the game of security.

When she sees me carrying with the kids around she looks at me like I'm less of a man. "Why do you need that?".
Because your family is the most important thing in your life, bar none.

Because if your kids didn't live long enough to be able to have families of their own, what's the point?

Because if by your life or death you could keep violent crime from touching them you would do it.

Because criminals don't publish a calendar of events beforehand.

Because having your children or wife raped or murdered because you were completely unable to respond is something you would never let happen, nor ever be able to live with.

Because crime can happen anytime, anywhere, to anyone. If this is doubted, check the newspaper clippings for the past year in the three larger urban newspapers nearest to where you live.

Because you love each and every member of your family sufficiently to do what's needed, even the unpleasant things, safely, to ensure they'll make it to adulthood.

Because if you didn't do all that you could as a parent to help keep your family safe, you would fail in your primary responsibility as a parent.
 
#35 ·
It sounds like your wife doesn't have a lot of confidence in you?
+1, sorry man, but that's the impression I get when I here spouses say anything along these lines. Sticky situation, I hope it works out for ya.

I say carry no matter what, even if you have to go sub compact and deep concealment. If caught and questioned. I'd say, I would rather deal with your frustration here and now, then pray at our child's or your gravestone.
 
#30 ·
Most things in a marriage/life are negotiable, but my role in protecting my famiy and myself is one thing that was/is/and always will be off the table.:yup:
 
#31 · (Edited)
Extreme Defender You've come to the right place for advice. There are a lot of knowledgeable folks here who can help. I'm not saying that I'm one of them, but I'll offer my two cents.

OK, here we go...

First, it sounds like your wife is suffering from what is obviously an irrational fear of your gun as a self defense tool! Irrational fears are based both on emotion and a lack of knowledge and understanding.

You are going to have to sit down and have a very frank and candid discussion with her in order to sway her to your obviously correct choice of having a gun to protect you and your family.

How you approach her and how you discuss this is going to make or break it for you. You must be armed with not only facts, but compassion, understanding and the willingness to listen to her side of the equation. She has to be willing to do the same.

The moment you become aggressive towards the issue; or attack her intelligence or make her feel cornered, you've lost the battle... case closed, end of discussion, you lose, thank you for playing!

So, what do we do?

First, you may want to invest quickly in the book already suggested by Massad Ayoob; The Truth About Self Protection! It is a little dated, but the material is spot on and transcends time. There are about 26 chapters or so. Each one is geared to debunk the common myths regarding personal protection. It covers just about everything in the personal protection realm. A majority of it isn't even related to firearms. It debunks the myths of using inferior alternative methods of self defense "tricks" which are often espoused as "The safe way to protect yourself," often found in articles in "women's magazines." Instead, the book offers effective alternatives to the "myths" and explains why one thing works and others do not.

One of the best chapters in the book, is called The Face of The Enemy! It is a real eye opener!

In that chapter, Ayoob very vividly and candidly introduces you to several real life violent offenders who at the time the book was written, doing hard time in prison for their crimes.

He explains the personality, motives, their decision making process and how they target their victims. You get a real sense that when they are out on the street, they are true psychopathic, sociopaths; who have absolutely no compassion towards their victim and are quite merciless and brutal when they attack. Above all they are real! Don't doubt me, they are out there and they are everywhere.

As a paramedic, for the past 30 years I have dealt with victims of violent crime whose numbers are literally in the hundreds. I have been to the scene of well over 100 homicides and have seen the gruesome results up close and personal, since in those cases I had to bag the body and transport them to the morgue.

Bloody, often mutilated and sexually violated, you stand there for a few minutes stunned, trying to take it all in; not believing what you see before you. The odor of blood mixed with sweat and semen on the body, and often the look on the victims face, is something one must experience to be able to appreciate. It makes you wonder just how much horror the victim suffered in their last moments on earth. It will change your life. It will scar you. It never leaves you. It makes you realize what a dangerous world we really walk through every day... Only by the grace of God, some of us are lucky enough not to ever be touched by it. But that is not a given! It can happen to you or your family. If violence does visit you, It will happen without warning. You will never know beforehand that "today is the day" it will happen when you leave the house to go to the store, or go out to eat, or go to that doctors appointment.

Those who are aware of this and prepare for the day, are more aware, better equipped and better able to defend against it, if it ever happens to you. But, make no mistake about it, it is brutal, it is ugly, it happens in the blink of an eye. And most often, your only chance of surviving is by having a gun. Because the gun is the single most effective tool which is capable of immediately stopping an enraged human predator who is often high on narcotics or intoxicated. They will be attempting to overwhelm you and beat you down before you have an opportunity to fight back. The gun is the instant equalizer, and if you want a philosophical analogy, you can read my signature line. There is truth in what it says!

Anyways, I digress... you may want to read Ayoob's book together, or read it first so you can be armed with information to share with her when discussing the subject. Or you can have her read it on her own.

Bottom line, she needs to participate in this discussion. You can not just sit there and lecture her. She is the one who has an irrational fear of carrying a gun to defend your family. You are going to have to make sure she is a willing participant in the learning process or she's just going to put her feet down like a mule and refuse to budge.

Another thing, I would recommend is that you start to referring to the gun as Emergency Life Saving Equipment! In essence, that is exactly what it is. It is merely a tool. One which is called upon in the most dire of circumstances to save your life! No different than a life preserver, a fire extinguisher or an emergency defibrillator. You really should get her to looking at the gun as a tool and as a piece of Life Saving Equipment. She obviously has placed a negative connotation to the object we call a gun, and we need to encourage her to see that tool from a different perspective.

There are lots of publications, facts and statistics out there you can use as tools to help change her perspective. My lord, all you have to do is read the paper or watch the local evening news to see examples of violent crime. You have to remind her that you both, live in the exact same world as all those other victims do.

Finally, there is going to come a point as to what are you going to do, one way or another. You are going to have to ask her if she has faith and trust in your judgment and ability to fulfill your moral obligation as a husband to defend his family from harm. If she can not answer in the affirmative, you are going to have to ask her what she expects out of a marriage, and you will have to act accordingly based on how she responds. Whether you put your foot down or allow her irrational fears destroy your marriage is something only you can decide.

I wish you luck, my friend. If I or anyone here can help further, don't hesitate to ask more questions.

I hope you find something in this post to be beneficial. :bier:
 
#33 ·
A big + 1 to Bark'n and Spirit51. We all have been on the end results of situations where there could have different results if some accountabity and persons willing and able to intervene might have changed the outcome or even eliminated the need to call us. I do agree that a common understanding is recommended and all these posts are for a her as much as you. We all would like everyone to be responsible enough to handle the duty of protection but we also know many people don't have it in them to do this. This burden may have to fall upon your shoulders for your family's sake. Luck to you and maybe have your wife follow this thread.
 
#34 ·
Your wife's attitude sounds a lot like my Mom's attitude toward handguns. My mom, bless her soul, is 73 years old. She firmly believes that the only people who should carry guns are the police & military. NO ONE ELSE. You should have seen her face when I was hired as an ARMED security officer when we first moved to Vegas. She was NOT a very happy camper at all!!!

In my Mom's case I know why she dislikes guns so much. As a child her Dad used to come home drunk from the local bar and "had is gun with him" as he sat in the living room. She was afraid that he would hurt someone while he had his gun with him while drunk. I understand her concerns. I found this out when I was growing up. One day I just asked Mom why she hated guns so much. That's when I discovered her hatred of guns. I can't blame her under the circumstances.

Enough about me & my Mom's issues with guns! You need to ask your wife about her deep seeded fear of guns when you are not by yourself. She has some very serious fear based reason for you NOT carrying while you are with the family.

Good luck!
 
#36 ·
We're always pissed about something. We DO get over it. Your daughter's life and safety are PARAMOUNT, and so is the safety of you and your wife (kid needs parents!). I wish my husband would carry.

This could be a major issue though, you don't want your marriage to take a hit, either. I say carry, but I say find a way to help her see the light somehow. Maybe take her to meet with a local member of LEO to explain to her all the horrifying crime stats in your little community. Or take a look at how many predators live in your area. As a mother, I can't fathom that she would think of any criminal preying on your daughter and NOT have visions of shooting them. Maybe that will help her come around?
 
#82 ·
This could be a major issue though, you don't want your marriage to take a hit, either. I say carry, but I say find a way to help her see the light somehow. Maybe take her to meet with a local member of LEO to explain to her all the horrifying crime stats in your little community. Or take a look at how many predators live in your area. As a mother, I can't fathom that she would think of any criminal preying on your daughter and NOT have visions of shooting them. Maybe that will help her come around?
Virtually every state has a web site showing the location of the known sexual predators. The results of doing a search on your own neighborhood will probably scare you to death at the potential threats living in close proximity to you.
 
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