How to talk to parents? - Page 3

How to talk to parents?

This is a discussion on How to talk to parents? within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; It's one thing to tell your parents, but if they give you crap about your finances, I don't think you should feel obligated to defend ...

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Thread: How to talk to parents?

  1. #31
    Member Array xSerenityx's Avatar
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    Sep 2009
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    It's one thing to tell your parents, but if they give you crap about your finances, I don't think you should feel obligated to defend yourself. Listen, then say "noted" and change the subject. You are adults and married, what you spend your money on, even whether or not you have debt, is none of their business. They're not paying for it, they don't get any say in it.

    Another thing to say if you get flak about your finances is, "Thank you for your input. When I want your opinion again in the future, I will be sure to ask for it." Said with a non-sarcastic tone of voice and a polite smile, it will do wonders.

  2. #32
    Distinguished Member Array Rugergirl's Avatar
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    You know your family better than any of us here. If you feel they will have a real problem with the fact that you carry, keep it to yourself.
    I picked up on your comments about the financial aspect of it being more of a concern, if that is the case and you do decide to tell them, hopefully they will understand what your lives are worth and it should become a non-issue.
    I'm one of the lucky ones when it comes to my family and guns. Dad got me interested in shooting as a hobby/sport at the ripe old age of 12. It was a family fun day on Sunday to head out to the range and shoot for the pure fun of it and something I still enjoy doing. As time went on we talked about firearms and personal safety and Dad, hubby and I all took our CPL class together. We still meet at the range as often as our schedules permit.
    Hubby's family is a different matter, and I've learned that my firearm is not welcome in their home, and it is no longer a topic for discussion by my choice. They will never hear me mention guns or carrying ever again for the sake of what little family peace remains.
    Disclaimer: The posts made by this member are only the members opinion, not a reflection on anyone else, nor the group, and should not be cause for anyone to get their undergarments wedged in an uncomfortable position.

  3. #33
    Member Array coriantan's Avatar
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    Jan 2009
    Provo, Utah
    A little clarification... Sorry I wrote my post during a short break at work. I didn't take as much time to write it as I should have.

    My folks aren't anti-gun. They have 25 acres in Washington State and we go out the back door and set up soda cans for .22 targets. Dad does have a .22 revolver, and Mom had a .38 revolver years ago. One of my mom's first presents from my dad was a rifle and she's a great shot.

    Having said that, they aren't really fond of the idea of actually carrying a gun for self defense. Although that probably won't be much of an issue if it comes up. They are just old and don't think the world is as bad as it has become.

    They have given us considerable financial help over the years, although it has been a while since we've needed any help. But because of the help they have given, I feel more guilt when they disapprove of any purchases we make.

    I appreciate all the replies. Especially those that indicate that you have been around family a great deal without any comments. We are a hugging, snuggling family and I was concerned they would feel my gun. But I think I will be able to keep it from them, and if not, I now have good responses ready.

    This is what I plan on doing.
    1. Hug with gun arm low and other high. My wife will appreciate the "practice"
    2. Don't tell.
    3. If they do find out and question it, reply that it is my responsibility to protect my family in the world we live in. Then ask my dad if he wants to go shooting.

    Thanks everyone. It's nice to have a wide range of responses to any question so I can pick pieces from each to create one answer that fits my life.

    "When seconds count, the police are only minutes away." * "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight."

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  5. #34
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    Array Bark'n's Avatar
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    West Central Missouri
    I haven't read through all the posts here, but here is what I would do.

    Don't make a big deal of it! I wouldn't even mention it, just to give yourself a little non-scientific test to see how well your concealment techniques are!

    You'd be surprised how little people notice things, even when it comes to family. Neither of my parents think there is a valid reason to carry. (well, they admit there's a valid reason, just that it's not for them) They both know my wife and I do carry and yet, they do not go around trying to spot our guns. As a matter of fact, we never discuss it. I'm not sure they even know we are carrying when we see them.

    Now, if they do find out, I would handle it straight forward and very matter of fact. I would just say, we are both responsible adults, we carry guns as an act of being responsible for our own safety. We are both lawful and do not lead reckless lives or do irresponsible things and leave it at that.

    I would also stress that you do not lead extravagant lives and just waste money on frivolous things. These weapons were carefully planned out and budgeted for, and are nothing more than emergency lifesaving tools. Similar to having a life insurance policy or smoke detectors in the home. They have a serious purpose and have a serious job to perform if called upon.

    If they press the issue, you can get more into detail regarding the truths we all know, but I would leave the ball in their court as to how much further you need to address it.

    However, I'm betting if you do your part as to being discreet, they won't even know about it and you won't need to explain anything. And you will have passed your own non-scientific test that you do a good job at concealment.

    Then, on the next visit, if you want to tell them you can always say, we've been carrying a long time and it never affected you before!
    Semper Fi

    "The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."

  6. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by coriantan View Post
    They have given us considerable financial help over the years, although it has been a while since we've needed any help. But because of the help they have given, I feel more guilt when they disapprove of any purchases we make.
    That's what parents do...You shouldn't feel guilty about anything. Since you have children, I'm sure you feel that no matter how old your kids are, you will always be there to help... It makes me feel good to help my kids, whether they need it or not... It'll be more fun when I have some grand kids...

    Hope you have a great family visit....
    "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas!".... Sam Houston

    Retired LEO
    Firearms Instructor
    NRA Life Member

  7. #36
    Senior Member Array MR D's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    South Central PA
    tell them that you have decided to protect the 'financial investment'
    that they have made in you - the best "legal" way you know how.

  8. #37
    Member Array nova83tx's Avatar
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    May 2007
    Floating Somewhere in the Bahamas
    I just got back from a wedding, and must have given out over 75 hugs while armed.

    Trust me . . . the hug low works!!

    It is your choice, and if you communicate your reasons and thoughts well, I am sure there will be minimal problems.
    Glock 26 w/ CTAC IWB

    "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far" - Theodore Roosevelt

  9. #38
    VIP Member Array paramedic70002's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by av8er View Post
    she makes the rules in her house, and I make them in mine.
    Excellent point that they surely will understand. And point out when you come to visit.

    If you get busted, just be ready to relate it to your upbringing. In other words, make it their fault. "Mom, remember when I _____ and then you said _____? Well that's what I was thinking when I made this decision!
    "Each worker carried his sword strapped to his side." Nehemiah 4:18

    Guns Save Lives. Paramedics Save Lives. But...
    Paramedics With Guns Scare People!

  10. #39
    Senior Member Array tbrenke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by coriantan View Post
    The biggest thing they'll rag on us for is spending money on guns when we aren't exactly wealthy.
    they are only allowed to rag when they pay the bills OR your asking them for money. In those cases they have a dog in the fight. You say you are paying your own way, then if the talk turns to raging on you about your personal finances halt the conversation there ans ask then if they do that to there own friends.
    "If you do not do this to your own friends then do not try it with me please. We take care of our own and are not looking for advice, but thank you."

    it is a hard thing to do with ones parents but they DO need to know that you are their child but not a child.
    "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution, which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." -1792, James Madison
    There are always too many Democratic, Republican and never enough U.S. congressmen.

  11. #40
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    Talking to parents can be a bit nerve racking, especially when they don't understand. For me, the most important part was showing my family that I had not gone obsessive or crazy or psycho.

    So many people assume that because you start carrying a gun you are either afraid, going crazy or paranoid. Almost always the uninformed see it as an unhealthy thing.

    The trick is to show them how normal and wholesome your life has remained.

    I wrote a small story about my mother's reaction to my carrying. You can read it or skip it, I don't care, but it would how I handled her "fear" and it paid off. She has become a strong supporter of my decision to carry.

    I sat in the living room, watching television, waiting for my mother to get home from work. It had been almost nine months since I’d seen her last and upon hearing she was upset to have to work the night I would be arrive in town, I promised to wait up for her so we could spend some time together before we went to bed.

    Since last she saw me I had begun to take my role as a concealed carrier more seriously. Whereas I only carried when convenient before, I was now carrying constantly and felt rather naked when forced to be without my firearm. Before I had not talked much about my carry habits, but recently I had begun to discuss the issue with both my father and my mother.

    While I could not carry while visiting my family as a result of carry laws in their state of residency in Wisconsin, I still took my gun with me to do some target practice and finally prove to my father that I really did carry a .45 on my small frame.

    My father and I had already had a great time of showing off our weapons. I had opened my Kimber case and the first thing he had said was, “It looks like a cannon.” I went and got my holster, put it on and showed it just how easy it really was to conceal “the cannon.”

    He had never played with snap caps before, nor was he very familiar with the 1911 model, but he enjoyed learning how to take it down, and turning off the lights and getting a good look at my new tritium night sights.

    Not to be outdone, he went and got his Browning Hi-Power and we spent a few moments talking about guns and the governor who continues to veto the law that would give my father and other family in that state the right to carry a weapon in their own defense.

    Before Dad went to bed I took my gun, secure in its leather holster, setting it on the kitchen table to take up to my bedroom after I said hello to my mother.

    When my mother got home from work around one-thirty in the morning, she welcomed me warmly, kissing me on the cheek and giving me a big hug. She asked me how my flight was, and apologized for not doing more to get off of work so she could spend more time with me.

    She welcomed me into the kitchen to talk and as she turned on the lights her eyes fell on the holstered gun sitting on her kitchen table.

    “Is that yours?” she asked, knowing it had to be.

    “Yes, it’s my carry gun,” I said.

    She stood still for a moment, just looking at it.

    “Can I see it?” she asked.

    I unholstered it, cleared it and handed it to her as she sank into a kitchen chair looking at the weapon in her hand as one might look at something that they are not quite sure they are ready to accept.

    I have never considered my little Kimber Ultra CDP to be big, but in her hands it looked huge, and in contrast her hands looked so small and so fragile.

    She handled the gun carefully, turning it one way and then the other. She put her finger on the trigger, then took it off again, she brought the gun up to her eye level and looked across it at the sights, then put it down again as though she was displeased with what she saw.

    This was not a target gun or a sporting gun, this was a self-defense gun, a gun carried, designed and modified to be used against threats, primarily from other humans. I don’t think that realization sat well with her.

    She stared at the gun for a few short seconds and then looked at me.

    She looked so sad, and without saying a word I heard everything she was too polite to say.

    She’s sad because she wishes she could have protected me more when I was a child. She’s sad because she realizes she couldn’t. She's sad that I was forced to take my protection into my own hands when she feels it is still her job, and she’s sad to realize she can never and could never truly do that for me. But most of all, she’s sad because she knows the pain I had to go through to come to the point where I’ve decided I could kill to keep from going through it again. She’s sad to see her baby girl strap on a gun to do a job she wishes she could have done seventeen, ten, and five years ago. She’s sad to be reminded she lives in a world were violence touches her little girl. I could see her thinking about her three other children who had not been touched with such violence and how none of them felt they needed a lethal means to defend themselves. I could see her considering my past and how big of a part she thought it played in my decision to start carrying a weapon of self-defense. I could see her sadness at those thoughts.

    “You carry this?” she said, her voice almost at a whisper. She brought the gun back up to eye level and I could see her forcing herself to look down the barrel and picture another human being at the other end. She held the gun there for a few more moments and lowered it again. She looked determined to at least try to understand me and my choice to make this gun my companion and protector. Trying to see through the eyes of the girl I was five years ago, forgetting, or maybe just not truly grasping how much different I've become.

    “Yes,” I replied, matching her tone.

    “Tell me about it,” she said.

    For the next couple of moments I shared specs and modifications and reasons I chose the Kimber Ultra CDP over any other gun for my personal defense. When she handed the gun back to me she didn’t necessarily look relieved, but she did smile.

    She looked as though she wanted to say something positive about the gun, anything to reassure me that she didn’t think negatively about my choice, or me, but her silence confirmed that no positive words could be found.

    She changed the subject.

    Over the next few days of my visit she would see me holster my gun and walk outside with my father to do some shooting. She would stare at it on my hip as I laughed, talked, reminisced and enjoyed the company of my family. I told jokes, I teased my Dad, I ran in out of the house for fresh targets, smiling. She got to see, first hand, that carrying it wasn’t a burden, but but a light assurance. I was still her little girl, I was energetic and happy, I was just packing, too. My gun wasn't there as a testimony to my paranoia, but rather to my determination to protect the new and fabulous life I had built for myself over the last five years.

    On the day before I left to come home, I holstered my gun to go shoot with my Dad. When I came in, I plopped down beside my mother on the couch with my gun still on my hip and began talking about nothing in particular while my Dad went to get cleaning supplies so we could clean our recently fired firearms.

    She stared at the gun less than she had before, and she even remarked at how beautifully the grips matched the belt I was wearing.

    “It’s very pretty,” she said, much to my surprise.

    As I got up to go upstairs and get changed as my Dad wanted to take me out to eat, I threw a shirt on over my gun and she asked, “Are you going to carry it with you?” Because of her almost positive tone, at first I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, but as I was carrying nothing else I caught on quickly.

    I said, “I can’t. It’s Wisconsin, Mom.”

    She laughed, “Oh, yes, I forgot.”

    As I started to climb the stairs once more she looked again at the holster peeking from beneath my shirt and smiled warmly for the first time since she knew the gun had accompanied me from Pennsylvania.

    The sadness in her face was gone and in her own quiet way I think she was telling me that she was starting to understand.

    My Dad brags about my decision to carry as though I had won the Pulitzer Prize, my Mom, on the other hand is learning to understand that it wasn’t her fault I decided to carry a gun. She didn’t fail me and the gun on my hip is not a reminder of that failure. It’s not a talisman to ward off the nightmares of my past. The gun is nothing more than a gun, a tool to use in a time of need. There is nothing any of us can do about what happened back then, we can only look to the future and what could happen there. I’m a different girl than I was then, I have another life I’m living, and my gun is one of the many tools I have in place to try to keep my life the way it is.

    She sees all of my decisions to carry as the consequence of something negative in my past. But I think she’s starting to understand that while it would be foolish of me to say that doesn’t play a part, there’s a whole lot more positive now. I’m not consumed with just trying to keep an old pain from resurfacing; I’m not carrying a gun just to defend against something bad. While that is a part of it, it’s a very small part. Mostly, I carry to protect something good: my beautiful life.

  12. #41
    Member Array ImChad's Avatar
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    Easy "when you pay my bills, you can say how my money is spent" if they're paying your bills, that's another issue all together.
    They can't take your right to own a firearm. They can ask with force and you can answer any way you choose.

  13. #42
    VIP Member Array 9MMare's Avatar
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    I just had to do this last month.

    Preface: I'm single and moved from my suburban house to rural acreage a yr and a half ago. Growing up, there was never any mention of guns really, neither for or against.

    My parents came for a visit from the east coast and I wanted to make sure that they knew there was now a gun in the house.

    So I told them and mother immediately said, "About time! What took you so long, living on your own like this?"

    And then I taught my dad safe handling techniques and the 4 rules (plus a few others) and took him shooting.

  14. #43
    Member Array kmbrcstm2's Avatar
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    I told my folks when I started to conceal carry. If I was in their shoes I would want to know if my kid was carrying around me so I extended the same courtesy to them.

    It's a personal choice and there is no right or wrong here. There is no cookie cutter answer, it's difficult either way.

    If you're worried about your parents' opinion of your financial decisions that's a different problem.

    Whichever way you decide to go, good luck. And good on you for taking your family's safety seriously.
    CZ 75 B
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  15. #44
    Member Array rsb319's Avatar
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    I would show them your carry permit once they hace settled in and ask what they think. Don't even try to keep it from them. Show that you are proud of your decision to protect your family by bringing the subject up.

  16. #45
    Member Array Phoebe's Avatar
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    wild west
    My parents surprised the heck out me by how supportive they were. I really thought they'd be skeptical or downright anti.

    Instead, they are like my biggest cheerleader.

    Hopefully yours will be the same.

    One thing I learned the scary way -- if your parents (or anyone else) wants to see your gun, unload it before you hand it to them.

    I thought my stepfather was gun trained enough to be safe. Nothing bad happened but broke 3 out of the 4 rules in about a half second.

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