My wife is against me CCing. What do I do?
This is a discussion on My wife is against me CCing. What do I do? within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; Good points (especially the last) - thanks, 9MMAre!
Initially, she didn't even want it in the house, loaded, unloaded, period. I think she's mostly over ...
February 13th, 2010 04:48 AM
Good points (especially the last) - thanks, 9MMAre!
Initially, she didn't even want it in the house, loaded, unloaded, period. I think she's mostly over that and again, prepared to take the class, go to the range with the instructor, etc. Baby steps, I guess.
To clarify your other point... I didn't mean to imply I don't plan on honing my skills and training. To the contrary, I've been a bit OCD about it. In VA, you never even need to step foot in a classroom to qualify for a CCW, you can even do it online, but I'm going on my second class, plus range time and training, including with my brother-in-law who is a VA LEO. I'm committed to maintaining my ability to use it, I just meant I wasn't going to start collecting or making a hobby of it.
February 13th, 2010 04:59 AM
Originally Posted by LLT
Famous last words.
Fortune favors the bold.
Freedom doesn't mean safe, it means free.
The thing about "defense" is that it has practically nothing to do with guns. (As passed on by CCW9MM)
February 13th, 2010 05:38 AM
I was thinking that as I was typing it.
Originally Posted by 9MMare
I guess anything is possible... if you'd asked me what I thought of defensive carry six months ago, well... I think I probably would been bumped off the NRA Christmas card list.
Baby steps! ha.
February 13th, 2010 08:35 AM
Ninety-nine percent. That's 99 times out of 100. Satisfied with those odds? Not me, not my family.
This may sound crass or macho or caveman or whatever. Clearly, you have never been faced with the hard facts of having to make a life and death decision, with or without, your carry-of-choice. CCW is not about pleasing everybody. Make a decision: carry 24/7 or don't carry at all. That's just a CCW fundamental. Not to sound mean, but I really don't care what you or your wife, or anybody else's wife, think about that kind of attitude. I've made my decision. Frankly, I think you are perpetuating an attitude prevalent among married "men", and it's not exactly complimentary. "My wife doesn't let me carry". (Insert girly whine here) What??? Really??
I carry for that one time in a hundred that I and my wife will be forever grateful that I do carry concealed. I guess I should say we are grateful. Been there, done that. Never want to again.
If it means enough to you (and why wouldn't it?) you'll work it out with the Mrs. If not, keep your hobby confined to the range. Please convey my regards to your lovely bride.
Last edited by MattInFla; February 13th, 2010 at 08:49 AM.
"I believe that's my stapler."
NRA Member for Life
"I can not, for all the Stars in Heaven, find one instance or occasion or a living example of a woman who gave birth to anything but another human being, regardless of the period of time that baby was in the womb".
February 13th, 2010 04:15 PM
No she won't. It's a weak attempt at an ultimatum. Give in here and expect the next one. Don't give in. She'll get used to it, and at some point down the line when there is a dicey situation, will be glad you are there to protect them.
Originally Posted by nathan9493
February 13th, 2010 10:22 PM
You could show her the post by Bruce, who was darn near killed today while trying to get his truck washed. Ask her to read the whole thread, including Bruce's description of the police response when they came to his home after.
Thread title: Folks, it finally happened.....I pulled my gun this afternoon in self-defense!!!
Posted by Bruce21b
Bad stuff for him, but good for anyone wanting to show that lightening does strike.
February 14th, 2010 04:12 PM
Newbie Female Perspective
Hi there. I'm new here, and new to guns, and very, very new to accepting the idea of guns for self-defense (previously having been one of those guns=crime or guns=accidents=death-of-loved-ones=bad sort of philosophy).
If it's at all of any help, I thought I'd share a little of my perspective on guns, carrying for self-defense, concealed carry for my dear bf and concealed carry for myself philosophies. If hope one or more of these may help you with your wife.
1. I grew up with a retired military man as my father figure, and neither ever had to worry about my safety nor ever *had* to think about what, how, or why he might be protecting me behind the scenes
2. as a child, I knew at one time and one time only of the existence of, and presence of, a number of rifles. They appeared only once, and then promptly disappeared, and guns were never seen or discussed again. I was able to (and did) carry on living and believing that guns were simply not a part of my family's life. (Probably by design, but there you have it.)
3. This same military man, my stepfather, happened to have lost a beloved teenaged son to an accidental firearm incident so gun-related issues/emotions/self-imposed laws are hugely likely (ie the complete and utter invisibility of guns to a single-digit, dougle-digit aged growing girl in the household)
4. As an adult, I have over the years outside of the above family home, sometimes lived, traveled through, or worked in severely economically depressed neighborhoods where my life was endangered on a regular basis. I continued blithely and naively in my gun-free mental mode of ignorance (my choice of word, no one else's) by the easy virtue of having not been personally attacked, wounded, or killed yet due to interaction with a violent criminal.
5. In more recent years, my life experience has unfortunately brought me into what seems increasingly frequent contact with either seemingly well-intentioned people who, scarred by personal tragedy, became both somewhat deranged in their treatment of outsiders and fairly bursting with paranoia became, in my eyes, direct threats to me merely by the fact that I became their neighbor *after* their personal tragedy took place ; *or*, and heres the biggie, I came into contact with the kind of man who, when things don't go his way, a) it becomes apparent that he has a felonious history and b) it becomes apparent that "stalker" issues don't just apply to other women -- they apply to *you*
6. Ultimately, being an unmarried woman, it behooves me to
a. GET INTO THE PERSONAL-SAFETY mental space. -- Be Alert. Scan your surroundings. Avoid confrontations as much as humanly possible.
b. Paradigm Shift -- Mentally Become Self-Defense Capable -- preparing yourself for the worst is NOT SYNONYMOUS with "Inviting the worst". Anyone who thinks so is intentionally misleading themselves into believing that their mental state of safety & comfort is actual reality safety & comfort. Unless they have a bullet-fire-gas-knife-bluntobject-impermeable bubble enclosing themselves and their loved ones at all times, that safe feeling is based on either ignorance of, or calculated contradiction of, the facts.
c. Being aware of the need for self defense -- Arm yourself. This could be simply with pepper spray (easy choice, cost-effective, not difficult to learn) or with some hand-to-hand combat training (Free karate women's classes at the library, anyone?), or for those who are willing to first consider the Worst Possible Scenario, weapons combat training including knives and batons and possibly nunchucks or staffs and up to and including, yes, Guns.
d. Acknowledging that the Worst Possible Scenario does not only occur in locations and situations we consider to be both: Worth dying to defend (e.g., the home protecting our family) and Convenient (e.g., Protecting self and family in the Home)
e. and, having acknowledged the fact that We Cannot Predict either When or Where the Worst Possible Scenario would happen, and being a responsible adult interested in Safety for ourselves and our loved ones, Training and Preparing ourselves for situations where Concealed Carry is necessary.
In my opinion, these three things are true:
1. Protection is the job of the parents; in real life (both families with children and childless couples), Protection is generally a responsibility assumed by and carried out by the man (a gender role that is unnecessary but historical and 'the way things are')
2. The person(s) responsible for Protection want at a bare minimum to achieve two things.
a. Create and maintain a Safe Environment for self and loved ones, and
b. Shelter loved ones from the necessary brutalities associated with achiving item a.
3. In my humble opinion, if a man (father, brother, son, neighbor, friend, romantic interest) is responsibly performing any tasks from item 2, he should
- at best be commended and encouraged in doing so and] at worst permitted to continue without aggravation
and if he has been doing 2.b. so commendably that you find out late in the game about 2.a. and he is a responsible law-abiding citizen legally able to bear arms he should be celebrated and then either a. permitted to continue without interruption or continued fanfare or b. treated as your own personal instructor and have his brain picked ad infinitum until you also are up to speed.
All of this said, If he is of questionable mental state or of questional legal state to carry a weapon, you should by all rights do everything in your power to avoid upsetting him, research his background, and if verifiably a danger get yourself and your kids the hell away from him. If NOT verifiably a danger, reconsider your doubts and/or your emotional attachments to the man and identify where, if any, the problem lies.
That's all, of course, my opinion.
A few other notes:
- yes a felon from my past is a concern. Does that keep me away from learning about and carrying a gun? NO -- it drives me TO such activities.
- a gun carrying felon is a scary business. Does that make me associate all gun-carrying persons with crime? NO -- it drives me to APPRECIATE all law-abiding gun-carrying persons, whether dedicated law enforcement or defensive carry citizens
- likewise, a weapon-carrying felon of any stripe, including the martial-arts trained weaponless felon, is a scary business. I appreciate and WELCOME any person to my defense who is at all interested in participating in my defense should such felon come my way. Law Enforcement? Invited to the party. Concealed Carry interested/helpful citizen? INVITED TO THE PARTY.
- Absent LE/military/CC third parties, it is my responsibility to protect myself. I do not believe I am paranoid in recognizing this need and doing something about it.
In my humble opinion, neither should the wives or girlfriends of defensive carry, law abiding, responsible "take-charge" men choose to believe that these men do so out of "paranoia" (recognizing that some folks do suffer from paranoia and that real paranoia and associated issues are a separate discussion), Base Fear, or a Criminal Instinct.
Others have commented that perhaps there are issues present between you and your wife, or your wife's history, that are affecting har attitude, so this will not be original, but here it is. There are Definitely issues present which are informing your wifes opinion about concealed carry. They may or may not center around you. IMHO, what is called for is probably many long, heart-to-heart, sensitive discussions about every point I made above -- somewhere in there either she has a history specifically related to guns but not to you, or specifically related to you and not necessarily related to guns, that are informing her sense of safety around you with a concealed gun.
Did someone who was responsible for protecting her violate a trust in some way?
Did she ever experience a self-defense situation that got out of hand because someone (well-meaning or otherwise) presented a gun? How did it iend?
Did she ever experience a gun-related, or more specifically a concealed gun related tragedy? Concealed weapons in the home accessed by an unaccompanied child do apply to this question
Did she ever feel directly personally threatened by you in any instance, whether the threat was real or imagined?
Did any of your children ever feel directly personally threatened by you (or anyone else with a concealed carry weapon) in any instance, whether the threat was real or imagined?
I don't think this will be an easy road, because if your wife is anything like me, there's a lot of psychological and emotional baggage associated with concealed weapon or simply weapon-presence decisions.
Good luck and I hope you find this helpful.
February 14th, 2010 04:42 PM
Welcome to the group! Your thoughtful post suggests (I hope) that we'll be hearing more from you in the future (and you really sound like you have your head on straight). Very well written, and shows some issues to explore which may be useful for any of us in similar situations...
February 14th, 2010 06:37 PM
Thanks for the welcome!
Thank you for the feedback and the quick response. I wrote so, so much more than I had intended and was afraid I had gone hogwild. I do look forward to participating!
Originally Posted by Paymeister
Happy Valentine's Day to you all!
February 14th, 2010 06:58 PM
Sounds like your wife has fallen victim to the bad gun propaganda. She has it backwards. She has concerns that you are risking your life and that of her and your children while CCing. Try to get her to understand that the exact opposite is true. You are actually protecting your family at a higher level than you could if you were not CCing. If a BG approaches you and your family with a gun, you had better be able to level the playing field. If you have no gun, you have no chance in protecting your family in that scenario. A firearm in the hands of a trained, law abiding citizen is safer than driving down the road in your car. Explain to her that you have an obligation to protect her and your children. In the world we live in, that means CC. Good luck.
February 14th, 2010 07:08 PM
Spouse not wanting to carry
I live in a small city. It is a violent and brutal city. I have had 2 cars stolen from my driveway, I have had my house windows bashed in. My child has been beaten up twice. I do not live in the hood.
I have trained myself to watch every moment when I am at the store or in a parking lot. I have been approached many times by people begging for money. I tell them that I don't carry money any more, but they can have a couple of cigarettes. If I am at the local supermarket I give them a can of Ravioli, I keep some on hand for that.
They don't get angry at me if I am being generous in other ways and by God the money doesn't go for drugs or alcohol. Being nice will keep the voices in their heads from causing a dangerous situation. This is in broad daylight in the middle of crowds. There is not a store here that is "safe" so I can't just avoid places like that, not in this city.
I live in a middle class neighborhood. I have seen drug deals go down with AK-47 gun fire while at a gas station. Our prior Mayor did not believe we have a crime problem. We have a murder every other day.
I don't know where you guys live, but this wife carries.
I will not ever be a sheep.
I will do everything in my power to avoid pulling my gun, but I will not hesitate to fire if my life or the lives of my family were in danger. I would have no regrets. None.
I wish more women would have this attitude.
February 14th, 2010 08:19 PM
I have to disagree that common sense transcends generations. In fact, I see proof every day that common sense is an endangered trait.
Originally Posted by gottabkiddin
February 14th, 2010 09:14 PM
Very well said and Welcome!
Originally Posted by merischino
Disclaimer: The posts made by this member are only the members opinion, not a reflection on anyone else, nor the group, and should not be cause for anyone to get their undergarments wedged in an uncomfortable position.
February 15th, 2010 02:48 AM
Sorry if I'm repeating something, I didn't read through all 11 pages.
My sister was having issues locking the door behind her at home. She said that the city we live in is safe, and nothing would happen. My dad printed out the weekly crime maps for our city from the past couple months. Included in those maps were spots about burglaries happening down the street from our house. She is now in the habit of locking the doors.
Try to find a crime map that includes robberies in your city, or look at the local police blotter where they give a short summary of what the police are doing, and what crimes are being reported in your area.
February 15th, 2010 02:58 AM
I will definitely be looking for crime maps for my neighborhood.
Another idea along these lines is to look for very specific crime information, the big, BIG eye opener for me was, when I moved here, looking up the sex offender registry.
Turns out, I can go look on a map at the actual street locations in the neighborhood i live and see exactly where they live. Not only that, what was very helpful to me, was being able to then look at pictures of those offenders.
I didn't look at all the pictures, there were too many in a 10 block radius for this to be feasible. I did look at several. Not too long after, I ran across one of the offenders I DID look at in my parking lot, approaching me. I told him firmly not to approach me or talk to me and to go away.
Couldn't have done that if I'd not looked them up.
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