Mrs. Strangelove or: How I Got My Wife to Stop Worrying and Ignore the Gun
This is a discussion on Mrs. Strangelove or: How I Got My Wife to Stop Worrying and Ignore the Gun within the Concealed Carry Issues & Discussions forums, part of the Defensive Carry Discussions category; Originally Posted by silo
Much worse stuff can be done in marriages than buy a gun, for god's sake. And given today's divorce rate, it ...
February 17th, 2010 03:11 PM
I agree, but I'm pretty sure it's the deception that she'll have a big problem with, not as muich as the item purchased(which she originally said would have you camping on the couch if you purchased one, sounds like a double whammy). Did she find out about that part of the equation(the deception)? Just curious.
Originally Posted by silo
Speak softly, and carry a big stick.
February 17th, 2010 03:41 PM
Good job on educating your wife. Personally I believe that it is better for your kids to know you have a gun when they get to be school age or so. You have to let them know that it is a real gun, it can be dangerous and that it is your gun and that they are never to touch it without your supervision.
I did that as well as try to take the mystery out of it. I showed them the gun, showed them that it was not loaded and went over the 3 big safety rules. I let them hold the gun, helping them keep it pointed in a safe direction. I told them if they ever wanted to see it they just had to ask me and that if they ever saw it laying around (I would never do that) that they were never to touch it, but to come yell at me that I am being irresponsible and that I need to put it away right now. I also asked them not to tell their friends, mostly because I was concerned that one of his friends may hound him to see the gun and did not think that he needed to be tested with that much peer pressure.
When they were old enough I took them to the range and rented a .22 for them to shoot and tried to do so whenever they asked to.
Bottom line, I did not want my kids to assume that every gun they see is a toy. I did not want them trying to guess the combination to the safe (they are very perceptive and would have figured out that I had a gun sooner or later) and to take the mystery out of the whole gun thing so that it becomes just another tool, no more dangerous or mysterious than a circular saw or car.
February 17th, 2010 04:05 PM
Wow, good plan, except I could never decieve my wife that way, no judgement here, just not something I could do. Then again I never had to, my wife was on board after her first shot at the range! It's great having such a pro 2A wife!
February 17th, 2010 05:09 PM
I think the best way to handle situations like this is to be honest up front. Don't buy a gun without at least telling your wife. She may disagree but at least she knows what you're doing. Imagine if she had found out - that would have been bad news all around.
Make these decisions together and don't hide things. Part of being a responsible gun owner is to be honest.
Ben Cogito, ergo armatum sum. I think, therefore I am armed. (Don Mann, The Modern Day Gunslinger; the ultimate handgun training manual)
February 17th, 2010 05:47 PM
Oh, I'm all too well aware. That's why I choose a nondescript username that's difficult to follow. :)
Originally Posted by pax
We keep separate bank accounts, but do have online access to each other's accounts. Still, I told her the cost of the "two guns" would be about the same as the new G26. She never noticed the previous deducation.
Originally Posted by mel5051
Originally Posted by youngda9
February 17th, 2010 05:59 PM
Good luck with that. *sympathetic but entirely skeptical look*
Oh, I'm all too well aware. That's why I choose a nondescript username that's difficult to follow. :)
Of course, if your plan really works, eventually you'll want her to login to DC and read the posts here. Oh, not necessarily in this thread, but still --- Busted!
*sympathetic but somewhat ironic laugh*
February 17th, 2010 06:21 PM
LOL You've got me there! I can't imagine her ever doing that, though, but crazier things have happened.
February 17th, 2010 11:50 PM
Makes me so thankful that my wife thinks that if a male doesn't take advantage of all possible means to protect his family he doesn't deserve to be called a man.
"The only people I like besides my wife and children are Marines."
- Lt. Col. Oliver North
February 18th, 2010 07:34 AM
Feed them candy, tell them lies.
I can't emagine having to live under those conditions. I introduced my wife (of 50 years come March) to guns before I married her.
February 18th, 2010 07:57 AM
I've got to give you an A+ for all the homework and work you did.
My wife of 30+ years didn't grow up with guns, but wasn't against them either. Her only objection to me buying guns is that she see's it has lost opportunities for her to buy jewelry. BTW she has her CC gun and permit.
I know I'm lucky and thankful I didn't have to jump through hoops to have an ample means to protect ourselves. Good grief, to me that's a no-brainer, but you do what you have to do.
February 18th, 2010 12:56 PM
Originally Posted by OlJim
Fortune favors the bold.
Freedom doesn't mean safe, it means free.
The thing about "defense" is that it has practically nothing to do with guns. (As passed on by CCW9MM)
February 18th, 2010 02:10 PM
"...She should at least get to have a say before..."
Excellent point. As a woman familiar with the gun issue I am very pleased to find this argument here. Despite my being a woman familiar with the gun issue, and recognizing that I am not in the relationship presented, it is my humble opinion that the original poster did not, essentially, violate his wife's rights with regards to this argument, in a core-values or a how-to-treat-a-loved one kind of way.
Originally Posted by TheOhioan
The Pros in this specific situation
1. The gun topic had been discussed seemingly on more than one occasion, over a period of time longer than say, "a week" or "a month" or some other possibly "brief" period of time. He knew something about her attitudes and beliefs and did not act knowingly in violation of a strong objection when he went to purchase the first gun. (She had an attitude that was considered possibly "anti" but did not strenuously object to ideas about gun ownership per se or about his interest in gun ownership specifically or about his consideration of becoming a professional. Her communications if represented here correctly were more sort of "nebulous and attitudinal" than "specific and held with ultimate conviction" and she did not/had not made any specific orders or requirements known to him (if I'm reading his posts correctly)
2. While he could have and perhaps should have been performing her education process at the same time as he was doing himself that favor, it doesn't seem to me as though his process of considering all the issues prior to his making his own purchase of that first gun was something he purposefully chose to do absent her knowledge or agreement. (My basic assumption: while considering LEO as a career, she would have been a part of that thinking and discussion. To him, telling her about wanting to be an LEO would be synonymous to telling her "I'm seriously considering picking up a gun and wearing it basically full time", and if in his mind that is true, where would be the violation?)
3. On the topic of concealing the gun from her so very thoroughly between the time of the purchase and the time of the revelation.... if he was acting truly, irrefutably responsibly during that time with regards to himself and her person and the household and the children, in my opinion not necessarily hers there is not a whole lot of meat to a "you've betrayed me" argument. Yes, a deception has taken place. With regards to the big-picture, would a violation of a teenager's room which has up-til-now been respected as a private area when a search-and-destroy activity reveals the presence of drugs be in any way compelling to you, or likely hold much weight to the teenager in question? Same deal here... if your home was, terribly, invaded between the date of your gun purchase and your training with said gun would the revelation of your having a gun by virtue of your using it to defend you and yours shock her? Probably yes. Would it be a cause for a later weaponless "gunfight" between the two of you regarding the violated sanctity of a trust between you? Probably not. In that case, she would most likely be so incredibly grateful that she would recognize that there a trust had been built rather than there a trust had been violated.
Recognizing the fact that there was essentially nothing your wife did to make you do something she might consider as a violation of a trust, I don't think it would be wholly imprudent to consider that, in the act of protecting your wife and your kids, the technicalities of the timing of events in this matter is not necessarily the issue of utmost importance.
That is my opinion and how I might feel, either immediately or after thoughtful consideration, were I to have been your wife in this scenario.
PS Where and when the opportunities she had to have her say arose (before the purchase/after the purchase) It seems to me that the wife chose when given the option to discuss the very real matter at hand to state a position and repeatedly refuse to defend or support that position. Without making her points known to him, I'm not sure he can be reasonably expected to be able to act in a way responsible to addressing those her concerns. Granted, her reasons, her legitimate reasons (and she does have them) are in my mind valid - this poststatement of mine is not intended to remove from her the validity of her arguments. What I am intending to say is, however huge or small her arguments are to her, if she doesn't have the trust in her man to be able to either discuss them openly or hint meaningfully in their direction or in some other way actually make the argument, she can't expect him to act responsibly with regards to those arguments. Simple "no" to a child works. Simple "no" to an adult be that adult man or woman -- is not persuasive or meaningful in an actionable way to an adult.
February 18th, 2010 02:26 PM
Bringing deception and/or manipulation into a marriage is always a bad idea. To be completely fair, some wives are so emotionally unreasonable as to leave a man with very few alternatives. It's a tough spot to find yourself in and I won't judge a man for how he chooses to handle it (assuming it's handled in a non-violent manner). It's his marriage and I will neither suffer nor benefit from how it's managed. Besides, I'm busy enough trying to keep my own marriage running smoothly.
For you gents who don't own a firearm and have a wife who is dead set against it, I would first advise you to make damn sure of your own motives for buying one. Protecting your family and home is a legitimate reason, not a convenient excuse.
I know men who are prepared to do dramatic and heroic things to protect their family, but they aren't prepared to deal with verbal resistance from an emotional and unreasonable wife. If you feel "wronged" because your wife (the very person you're trying to effectively protect) is the one giving you grief, then you've already lost. Sometimes being the man means you have to take a verbal beating and have the self-control to NOT return fire.
I'm not suggesting that you have to meekly endure unchecked henpecking, I'm saying that, as a man, you do not have the luxury of indulging your emotions; you don't get to retaliate like a teenager just because you got your feelings hurt. If you want to be the man in your marriage then you need to be steady, consistent, and indestructible. If your wife realizes that you maintain your principles with a cool head during her tantrums, she'll very quickly conclude that you're a steady man she can depend on under all circumstances. This results in her putting more faith, more trust in you, and having a greater willingness to follow your lead.
"The flock sleep peaceably in their pasture at night because Sheepdogs stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
February 18th, 2010 03:33 PM
FWIW, I think people should think less about "convincing" their spouse and work for "acceptance".
We don't need to debate issues until agreement on everything. In fact, in many cases, it is impossible.
Rather, we need to reach acceptance about issues we feel strongly about.
In the case of the OP, I half suspect it wasn't the *content* of the presentation that convinced her, but rather the persistence on the topic and self evident work put into the presentation that convinced her that this issue was really important to the OP and that the OP would be safe and responsible.
Agreement where possible, acceptance where not.
Just a thought.
February 18th, 2010 05:54 PM
Silo....great presentation. However, I can't seem to be able to "rip off" a copy from that site. Can you send me one?
I'd appreciate it!
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