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Mrs. Strangelove or: How I Got My Wife to Stop Worrying and Ignore the Gun

4K views 52 replies 35 participants last post by  mirage2521 
#1 · (Edited)
Recently there have been a few threads about wives who were upset at their husbands for getting guns or carrying. I would have included this as a simple post in the thread, but I wanted to report something incredibly important: I finally talked my wife into it.

I too used to be in the same boat as some of you. My wife grew up not necessarily anti, but without a gun in the house. So she grew up being afraid of them, and out of ignorance became an anti. I grew up in a household of two guns, but we didn't hunt or ever use them, so I was in a similar boat, although not necessarily an anti. For multiple reasons, including personal and home defense and wanting to one day become an LEO, I became interested in getting a handgun.

And got one, I did. It was about mid-October and, honestly, the wife had no clue about it. Only two people did: two neighbors I trust. They would ask questions like, "Do you regret getting it?" which I simply responded, "No, because we're safer because I have it, even if she doesn't know." I kept it pretty hidden (except my range bag was always in the back of the SUV, covered by a blanket), and got my CCW in January. I've since carried a couple times around her without her noticing, and carried at all times I wasn't with her.

Meanwhile, I was talking her into getting a gun. (..the gun I already had, for that matter.) At first she repeatedly gave a blanket, "No. We will never get a gun." followed by the occasional, "If you had brought home a gun, you'd be sleeping at your parents'." But one thing planted the seed: I asked, "What would happen if someone broke down our door tonight? What's the plan?" As we have two little boys in rooms across the hallway, it made her think.

I didn't prod her too much. I would tell her when I was going to the range with a friend, and I'd get the stink eye. Eventually that warmed to a more "be safe" eye. And for Christmas I told her all I wanted was to take a "gun safety course," which was for the CCW permit. In the course, though, I did learn gun safety, the laws, and did some shooting. I'd say I'd mention it once a week to once every two weeks: enough to remind her, but not enough that it annoyed her.

Eventually, we talked again. I again asked, "What's the plan if someone breaks in the house? We have some shady family members and neighbors, and it would be in our best interest to have one to protect us." I also mentioned taking one with me when we went to crappy areas (we live near St. Louis) and when I jogged late at night. Again, it made her think. I told her I wanted to do everything safely with the safety of our children in mind, meaning getting a nice Gunvault in which to store them.

One thing she immediately did was send an email to a friend of hers, who is the wife of our neighbor (and both of them knew I had the gun). I was fortunate that I knew ahead of time that the wife was somewhat pro-gun and actually wanted her husband to go through the course with me. She wanted to stay out of the situation, though, so she gave a blanket statement that, "She grew up in a house with guns, and wouldn't mind it, but could understand if others did mind." Still, my wife respected her, and I think this went a long way since they're both moms.

Then she sent an e-mail to one of her professors who did a gun violence/accident study in the 1980s in a county in Texas. Apparently they saw the PowerPoint of this horribly done, extremely small study. I read it, and said, "I'll be honest.. this doesn't help either of us. These are 30 year old statistics from a county in Texas, for god's sake." I think that went a little ways to showing her that the notions she picked up were ignorant and could be refuted.

And then it hit me: she wanted evidence that would give her piece of mind. I did a PowerPoint of my own.

In this 22 page PowerPoint I first outlined why there was a risk. I compiled statistics (usually from the DoJ) about increasing probation rates, thefts, robberies, assaults, and murders. And not all of them necessarily supported me, but still showed that the risk was real, even if relatively minute. Honestly, some of the statistics I came across, depending on the source, were contradictory, so I chose the one either with the better source or the one that better supported my position. No shame in that, and I admit it. I also included statistics showing how many guns there were in America, and how there's an correlation between less crime and more guns.

Importantly, I also included statistics from when Florida enacted CCW laws. I showed that with the CCW laws the crimes went down, and what risks there were to CCW permit holders.

The next section of the PowerPoint outlined statistics with child safety. Again, some contradictory statistics, and I found many of them outright inconceivable or wrong. And there are really very few studies out there about them. I tried my best to explain to her that children who accidentally shoot themselves was because they had negligent parents who didn't keep a safe household.

Thus came my next section: how I was going to keep us safe. I included a picture of the safe along with how many combination possibilities there were, and how the safe would keep us.. well.. safe. I also reiterated to her that the Gunvault safe took local Firefighters 45 minutes to get open by bludgeoning, burning, and just generally kicking its ass. If it takes them 45 minutes with hammers, picks, and axes, our kids won't be able to get in. I also included my proposal: the safe, two guns (G26 and G27 [already had the 27]) which I explained one was for "personal safety" and the other "home safety," and a home defense strategy that included a call-response phrase should one of us be home and the other gone and we hear something suspicious.

Importantly, I included a small message in the email with the PowerPoint attached. I simply said, "You know, I just want to make sure we're safe."

Perhaps helping a bit, it was around Valentine's Day, and I got her flowers. She was not only completely not expecting flowers, but we had decided not to get each other anything, really.

The next morning I woke up to an email saying, "OK, you can get a gun. But it has to be in a safe, the safe has to be hidden (I'll put it under my side of the bed), and I don't want to see it. I don't want to take classes yet, but I'll work up to it." That's called a win, folks.

Oh, and my G26 will be here this week. I figure since my proposal said two guns, and she OKed the proposal, that gave me the OK. :)

So, folks, that's how I got it done. Hopefully, in some way, that will help someone else. She's on board with having it in the house and, perhaps, me carrying it (although I won't make a big deal out of this yet), and I'll work up to getting her at the range, classes, and other things.

Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. :)
 
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#10 ·
Absolutely. PM me your e-mail and I'll send it, sans a couple personal details, but I'll leave in [insert x here] remarks.

So here's the real question. Are you ever going to tell her that you already had one?
Absolutely not. As far as she knows and will know, I got them at the same time. Since she doesn't even want to see the guns right now, any wear on the existing gun doesn't even matter.

I agree with everything except lying to her about "purchasing" the gun. Seems rather deceptive to get the neighbors involved as well.
I inadvertently got them involved. Really, it was because my neighbor was going to take the CCW course with me and couldn't go at the last second. His wife supported him taking it. He knew I had the gun (since he wanted to get one, too, I shared which one I got), and he told his wife against my wishes. Despite my wife and his wife being very good friends, she believes 100% in not getting involved in other people's marriages, and so she said she'd never say anything, and I absolutely believe it. She's been 100% trustworthy.

I still honestly feel like I'm in the right getting one without her knowledge. Her concerns, while legitimate, were being blockaded by simple "no" responses instead of any well-founded arguments. I feel that by having the gun, even without her knowledge, it made us more prepared and safer should something have happened, and was still well out of reach of our children.
 
#4 ·
So here's the real question. Are you ever going to tell her that you already had one?
 
#8 ·
That was my first thought. I can tell you my wife would feel blindsided and like she had no say in the matter since you already got one. Don't be surprised if it comes down that "if guns make you do that to me don't ever bring one into the house". Doesn't have to rational, but if mama's not happy - nobody's happy!
 
#5 ·
So ... you in sales??? That was some sneaky stuff. Glad you have an SO that is open-minded and will listen to logic and facts and, more importantly, will actually go research stuff on their own.

Hopefully she doesn't skin ya' when she finds out you already had the gun - she will find out.
 
#6 ·
My lord, this stuff makes alot of people, often women, seem like idiots. It's not just their own feelings/ignorance (in some cases, they have legitimate reasons), but it's also the disregard of their partners' competance and committment....and plain facts.

In discussions with antis, I often bring up 2 analogies regarding safety.

Do you teach your kids not to talk to strangers? Not to get in cars with them? What to do in such situations?


Do you have a family fire drill plan in the case of fire? Escape routes, ladders, meeting places, etc?

Child kidnapping and home fires arent really any more common than home invasions/burglaries...but you plan and prepare for those, dont you?
 
#12 ·
My wife came around this past summer after some years spent in NC, NH and now GA. During that time after we left NY she has consistently been exposed to other "Mom's" that were pro gun. Some even carried around her for years without her knowing.
She finally came around and I started intensive research and purchased a Sig P238 in November.

Familiarity breeds comfort, I am sure that is what swayed her mind.

Sled
 
#13 ·
It is far easier to get forgiveness than permission.:hand5:

That said, I've got it easy. My wife has been going back and forth about her new pistol. She knows what she wants just dosen't want to spend the money. Sunday she actually said she didn't want to upset me if she wanted another gun later. Are you kidding me?:rofl: [choked up teary voice] I was so proud:yup:.

It was a long way to go, but now you both are in agreement:congrats:
 
#17 ·
That said, I've got it easy. My wife has been going back and forth about her new pistol. She knows what she wants just dosen't want to spend the money. Sunday she actually said she didn't want to upset me if she wanted another gun later. Are you kidding me?:rofl: [choked up teary voice] I was so proud:yup:.:
LMAO!!!!

I totally understand why you didn't tell your wife initially. Sometimes it becomes necessary to work around your spouse when they are trying to make decisions based on emotion. You have a duty to protect your family, with or without her consent. It's not ideal that way, but it was her ignorance that was causing the issue, not your desire to protect your family.

When you figure out a way to get her to the range, keep me posted. I'm still working on that with my wife. If I pick up any tricks of the trade, I'll let you know as well.

To sum up, you did the right thing, even though it took a lot of patience.
 
#14 ·
My first thought was "how are you going to explain the wear on the 27"

Glad you were able to get her to come around. Though I don't entirely agree with hiding the gun from her, in the end she let you have it. Just tell her you saved some money by getting it used ;) wait, I shouldn't be helping. :p
 
#16 ·
be careful about how far you take this.

If she gets to liking it too much you end up in fights over "You got the last one now it's my turn to buy one"

but good job.
 
#19 ·
Glad you got her to come arround. If I bought a gun behind my wifes back she'd shoot me with it! She was against me buying my first handgun (she doesn't care about long guns) but while I was at the shop I called her to tell her I was buying it. Things were tense for a while but it all blew over.
 
#20 ·
Exhippie, tell her you just want her to shoot once so that you can teach her to be safe with it. After the initial safety talk and she gets the first 3-4 rounds down range bet her she can't hit the silhouette in the crotch. After she runs a couple of mags into a group that would make Bob Munden proud she'll start talking about getting her own gun some day.
 
#21 ·
Great deal!!! Sounds like a well executed plan. If she ever finds out you pulled the wool over her eyes and already had a gun before the dog and pony show, she will super glue your man stuff to your thigh while you are asleep. Good luck with that...hope she doesn't find out. Did I mention that they always find out? It takes weeks for the glue to start giving way and anything you try to put on it to get it loose is more irritating than having your stuff glued to your leg. Ice and gin are your best option. Ice on your midsection and drink the gin. Good luck.
 
#23 ·
I appreciate it, everyone. And, yes, even those who have said I did the wrong thing by hiding it.

What it came down to my mind isn't chauvinism (anyone who knows me knows that's not the case for me) or "I'm right and you're wrong," but more of a question of protection vs. emotion. I refuse to let someone's emotion get in the way of protecting myself and those I love.

A few times emotion was argued in our conversations. One such argument went:

Her: "I don't want to have to tell our 2 year old why there's a dead guy at the bottom of our steps."
Me: "I do. That means we're alive."

There was another one I wish I could remember verbatim, but it pretty much ended her argument when I was asking if she was suggesting asking the bad guy (in this case, a soon-to-be-ex-brother-in-law) if he could hold on a few minutes while we decide if it's permissible to get a gun.

In the end, I had to appeal to both her emotion and with facts from good sources. Do I feel any bit bad for hiding it? Maybe only because I wish I could have told her sooner, and I wish she understood from the beginning. But I don't particularly feel bad for hiding it, as I felt that we were better prepared and protected should something have happened.
 
#24 ·
Any man that develops a powerpoint to use as a 'convincer' for his wife is a man on a 'mission of success'.
Sounds like you should be teaching a course on "Wives, Guns, and Home Defense, How to Make Them All Work Together".:congrats:

Stay armed...make the wife a 'partner'...stay safe!
 
#26 ·
Anyone who has requested one via PM should now have it in their email boxes.

Here's the link to a filesharing Web site (and shows the presentation right there on the screen): http://www.slideshare.net/guest0821b898/a-personal-and-home-defense-strategy-converted

To download, just make a free account and you'll be able to download it.

It's simple, but was effective. Also, in general the sources I used are in the "notes" section for each slide. Enjoy!
 
#27 ·
Having to make a power point to convince the wife to have a plan to protect the family and to convince her to let you buy the gun that you already went behind her back to purchase and then hide from her is funny and sad in so many ways.

Best of luck to you and your marrage.
 
#28 ·
The issue is larger than a gun: it's about having a defensive plan and strategy. Before, we had nothing. Never talked about it, and she didn't really want to. So I came up with a proposal that seems sufficient for our needs, and she OKed it. Sounds like an effective strategy, to me, but I'm biased.

Much worse stuff can be done in marriages than buy a gun, for god's sake. And given today's divorce rate, it seems worse things are commonplace.
 
#31 ·
Much worse stuff can be done in marriages than buy a gun, for god's sake. And given today's divorce rate, it seems worse things are commonplace.
I agree, but I'm pretty sure it's the deception that she'll have a big problem with, not as muich as the item purchased(which she originally said would have you camping on the couch if you purchased one, sounds like a double whammy). Did she find out about that part of the equation(the deception)? :gah: Just curious.
 
#35 ·
Nice plan, but silo -- nothing on the internet is private.

Nothing.

And it all lasts forever.
Oh, I'm all too well aware. That's why I choose a nondescript username that's difficult to follow. :)

Well, the bank balance is going to be showing purchases that you'll have to explain.
We keep separate bank accounts, but do have online access to each other's accounts. Still, I told her the cost of the "two guns" would be about the same as the new G26. She never noticed the previous deducation.

Did she find out about that part of the equation(the deception)? :gah: Just curious.
Nope!
 
#30 ·
Well, the bank balance is going to be showing purchases that you'll have to explain. On that note when I was a brand new 18 yr old, I brought 2 revolvers into the house. I was going to college during the day and security at night to pay the college bills. Of course parents just said don't you be bringing any weapons in our house! I said I can't keep them in the car You will be using so... They just said ok, in the house, but out of sight of us...

First two were Colt .357 Trooper a heavy 4" revolver, and the 2nd was a Colt Agent .38spl with a full shroud and magnesium frame. Man I wish I had those today, they would be worth a small fortune. Trooper cost $250 new back then, and the Agent was about $175.

Ah well!
 
#32 ·
Good job on educating your wife. Personally I believe that it is better for your kids to know you have a gun when they get to be school age or so. You have to let them know that it is a real gun, it can be dangerous and that it is your gun and that they are never to touch it without your supervision.

I did that as well as try to take the mystery out of it. I showed them the gun, showed them that it was not loaded and went over the 3 big safety rules. I let them hold the gun, helping them keep it pointed in a safe direction. I told them if they ever wanted to see it they just had to ask me and that if they ever saw it laying around (I would never do that) that they were never to touch it, but to come yell at me that I am being irresponsible and that I need to put it away right now. I also asked them not to tell their friends, mostly because I was concerned that one of his friends may hound him to see the gun and did not think that he needed to be tested with that much peer pressure.

When they were old enough I took them to the range and rented a .22 for them to shoot and tried to do so whenever they asked to.

Bottom line, I did not want my kids to assume that every gun they see is a toy. I did not want them trying to guess the combination to the safe (they are very perceptive and would have figured out that I had a gun sooner or later) and to take the mystery out of the whole gun thing so that it becomes just another tool, no more dangerous or mysterious than a circular saw or car.
 
#33 ·
Wow, good plan, except I could never decieve my wife that way, no judgement here, just not something I could do. Then again I never had to, my wife was on board after her first shot at the range! It's great having such a pro 2A wife!
 
#34 ·
I think the best way to handle situations like this is to be honest up front. Don't buy a gun without at least telling your wife. She may disagree but at least she knows what you're doing. Imagine if she had found out - that would have been bad news all around.

Make these decisions together and don't hide things. Part of being a responsible gun owner is to be honest.
 
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