Gun-hating wife: The value of patience

[jumpwing]

My wife was a gun hater. Big time. When I told her I bought one, she hit the roof. I didn't shout or spit out snappy retorts (no matter how painfully erroneous her "statistics" were). The best arrangement I could make was carrying concealed and making sure she never saw it. We would discuss it from time to time and generally get no farther than the original discussion.

I was scratching my head a bit because her father and brother owned guns while she was growing up. She had even been taught to shoot a rifle. I know her father and brother, and I'd ruled out any kind of cruel macho jackassery on their part that might have turned her off to firearms.

Months (and months) passed but I never pushed the issue. Her initial reaction cooled off over time until, a couple months ago, we were going downtown for dinner. She doesn't like the city to begin with (crime) let alone going at night, but you can imagine my reaction when she asked "will you be bringing your gun with you?"

It was all I could do to not jump up and shout "hypocrite!" at the top of my lungs. I answered, very calmly, "Yes, of course."

ONE MONTH LATER we're sitting at the table talking about nothing in particular when the truth finally comes out: Her first husband (who has mental problems) owned guns and, in a fit of rage, had put one to her head.

She had never told me this before. I knew he had been verbally abusive but I never knew things had escalated to that level. She and I have known each other for eight years now and I asked if she felt confident that *I* was not like that. She answered yes, and that was why she had evolved to a different attitude about me owning a gun.

So, I guess the moral of the story here is to remember that your wife has more detail to her history than you may be aware of. Be kind and patient while standing your ground, and always--every day!--endeavor to be the kind of person she can trust with a gun. Sure, you could be just as harmful to her with a kitchen knife, baseball bat, or even your bare hands, but thanks to media saturation nothing says "potential danger" like a firearm.

[DefensiveCarry.com]

[retsupt99]

Well, I am glad that you have worked through that problem, now the next step...she needs to get to the range and learn how to use a pistol...go slow!

[WHEC724]

Congratulations. I recently posted something similar about my gun-hating wife.

I think it just takes time. Once they see that this is about personal safety and not paranoia, they start to come around.

[maddyfish]

This was never a problem for me. Most of my second dates were out 4 wheeling, which always including a stop for some plinking. One cross word and I'd drop (dump) a girl like hot rock.

[gilraen]

Jumpwing, I'm glad your wife finally let you in on her secret. Now you understand, and now she accepts your carrying. That's better for both of you, and your relationship has probably taken a few steps forward from where it was before.

Good on ya both.

[jumpwing]

I've taken her to the range but she only sat and watched.

Unfortunately, using a firearm is out of the question for her under anything other than the most extreme circumstances: she has multiple sclerosis (impaired motor skills, shaky hands). She would literally be as much a danger to herself as anyone else. Nevertheless, I have explained/demonstrated how to hold and fire a Glock (my carry), center-of-dirtbag targeting, and the fact that I keep one in the chamber.

[sig1860]

Deja vu all over again... I was in the same boat this time last year. Took the little misses to the hunting cabin. Told her we'd go to town ('bout 20 miles away) for some dinner and shopping, first we're gonna target shoot a bit. It worked like a charm. Good Luck.

[MinistrMalic]

Good on you jumpwing! Do us a favor and wade in on all the threads where guys ask about their wives who are freaking out. I have gotten thumped for advocating patience and understanding on the man's part, and having a voice of experience would be amazing.

So glad you took the path you did with her!!

[Spec]

Congratulations. I recently posted something similar about my gun-hating wife.

I think it just takes time. Once they see that this is about personal safety and not paranoia, they start to come around.

^yes same deal with my girlfriend who is coming around..

[LLT]

Nice work, Jumpwing! I too just found out my wife had deep-seated issues about firearms due to a traumatic history I was unaware of. I didn't fully respect her wishes at first and we ended up separating for a bit over a week. Ultimately, I decided to approach it calmly and respectfully... that's when the truth of her past came out and her reservations made perfect sense.

Long story short, treating her like a person and a partner instead of the "little woman" paid off per usual. She's come around so much the past few days, she thought it would be a good idea to discuss firearm safety with our 5yr old.

Good for you, Jumpwing - glad everything worked out and you're both comfortable with your decision.

Be safe.

[silo]

Good on you jumpwing! Do us a favor and wade in on all the threads where guys ask about their wives who are freaking out. I have gotten thumped for advocating patience and understanding on the man's part, and having a voice of experience would be amazing.

So glad you took the path you did with her!!

That's unfortunate that you've run into that response here. While it's rather evident that your procedure wasn't the one I took, I respect others' perspectives and how they went about successfully getting their loved ones involved.

[miklcolt45]

Good on you jumpwing! Do us a favor and wade in on all the threads where guys ask about their wives who are freaking out. I have gotten thumped for advocating patience and understanding on the man's part, and having a voice of experience would be amazing.

So glad you took the path you did with her!!

How dare you!

What ever made you think that treating a person with respect and love would be tolerated in such a forum as this?

[bsnow]

I think an experience like she had with her ex would tend to make anyone edgy on this subject. Glad it's in the open so both of you can go foward, in a positive way on guns. Good luck to both of you.

[JoJoGunn]

Sometimes it's hard to get out the underlying cause for disliking a particular object. Especially if it was under duress and the mind's habit of surpressing the incident for self protection. She may have been experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome when she found out you had a firearm.

It's good however that she finally was able to communicate her fears and found out that you are not the person that put her into that mode.

The journey to understanding begins with small steps.

[mastercapt]

Sometimes it's hard to get out the underlying cause for disliking a particular object. Especially if it was under duress and the mind's habit of surpressing the incident for self protection. She may have been experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome when she found out you had a firearm.

It's good however that she finally was able to communicate her fears and found out that you are not the person that put her into that mode.

The journey to understanding begins with small steps.

+1 here. Usually there is an underlying cause. I think your wife is on the right track by discussing it with you. Now the both of you understand where the other is coming from.
For me, the wife was the daughter of a hunter and was accustomed to guns. When I went for the CWP she understood why I wanted/needed it.
However, my gun hating, liberal parents were the problem. They were extremely anti gun. So, I bought a 22 rifle when i was 19. I eventually told them and heard about it for a while. I hid it under lock and key. Then, someone was snooping around my Fathers truck. So he said, 'get your gun and follow me" I said "No. There are laws against brandishing a firearm. ( Especially in victim-ready NY state) Just go handle it yourself" He did. I heard no more crap about the gun.