My Significant Other Doesn't Want a Gun in the House
This is a discussion on My Significant Other Doesn't Want a Gun in the House within the General Firearm Discussion forums, part of the Related Topics category; I have a friend that used to be anti gun. She had a fear of them because of something that happened in the past. I ...
August 2nd, 2011 08:40 PM
I have a friend that used to be anti gun. She had a fear of them because of something that happened in the past. I don't know a lot of details but I believe she had a family member that committed suicide with a gun.
Today, she's not only married to a guy that's into guns but open carries, instructs CCDW classes and has a gun club of her own where she teaches other women about guns. I doubt that she would've ever been as heavily involved with firearms today if her husband had not taken the time to educate her about guns. By getting her involved in something that was important to him, it became important to her as well. She even has a pink AR15 and a pink Kershaw.
If you want your fiance to embrace the gun culture, you're going to have to introduce her to it by talking to her about it, educating her and maybe even take her to the gun range with you.
She may not ever embrace guns or your right to have one. This is one of those things where there can't be a compromise. You either have a gun or you don't; there's no in between.
Talking to your fiance and trying to educate her about guns is not going to be a guarantee that she will embrace them. If she doesn't, you have three possible course of actions to take;
1. You respect her wishes/command pertaining to the "no gun in the house" policy/rule. If you do this, be a man about it and don't complain, wimper and whine about it or bring it up in future fights. If you give up the right to keep a gun in the home then this needs to become a non-issue so make sure you can live with this decision before agreeing to it.
2. You assume the role of the husband and act as the head of the house. I'm not saying for you to be a jerk and assume you can do anything you want to do just because you are the husband. I'm talking about taking the responsibility of a husband and making decisions based on what is best for the family and not what's best for one person or the other. As a head of the family, it is your responsibility to protect the house and a gun is a tool that you need to fulfill this role. You need to make it known that you aren't neglecting her wishes as much as trying to protect her well being when you insist on a gun being in the house. Assure her that you will receive proper training and that you will be safe with the firearm and never give her a reason to doubt your competency.
3. Conclude that the two of you have irreconcilable differences and count yourself ahead of the game. Its better to split before you get married than to do so afterwards. Its a lot messier if you choose the latter.
I hope everything works out well for you and yours.
August 2nd, 2011 08:40 PM
August 2nd, 2011 10:12 PM
Taking her out shooting may well be the best option. Getting her involved in it may get her a first hand education of the complete lack of evils of firearms.
"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."
- Roy Batty
August 2nd, 2011 10:17 PM
Hopefully with a little knowledge and some time at the range she will change her mind. Good Luck, hope she see's the light.
August 2nd, 2011 10:33 PM
Even if she decides it is ok for now,people have been known to change after marriage,, there is nothing on this earth worse than a bad marriage.The problem is,it takes so much living and tough experience to know the red flags to look for.This is not an insult to the OP,just a fact.
Pain is the best teacher,but nobody wants to go to his class.
When the past smothers the present, there is only desperation. When the future absorbs the present, life stands still. In either case a decision must be made because you only live now and you are only what you are now.
August 2nd, 2011 10:38 PM
+1. My wife was upset at first until I explained the reasons why I wanted a gun (protection for her and the kids both when I am home and when I am not) and why I wanted her to get one too. Now, she is happy we have one and is about to get her carry license.
Originally Posted by MattInFla
August 2nd, 2011 10:48 PM
I agree with Matt...talk to her and find the root of her dislike. Be humble about the purchase but be sure she understand you bought it for the protection of you and her. Dont apologize for it. See how she reacts and get it worked out before you marry.
My wife brought two rifles and a shotgun of her own in to our relationship. She now has her own handgun and we have some guns together. I hit it good.
Friends don't let friends be MALL NINJAS.
I am just as nice as anyone lets me be and can be just as mean as anyone makes me. - Quoted from Terryger, New member to our forum.
August 2nd, 2011 10:51 PM
My first instinct would be to tell you to find a more "significant" other, but I'm trying to mellow.
It might be hard to find, but buy the book "Armed and Female" by Paxton Quigley. Wrap it up with a nice card, saying "please read this book, it is because I love you, and I want you to be safe" blah blah blah.
Quigley's book carries a certain weight since she was totally against guns prior to an attack on one of her friends. She gives fairly graphic details of the attack, and how it changed her mind--thrown in with some female empowerment mantra, of how she will NEVER let a man do anything like that to HER!
That might jar her anti-gun mindset enough to get her to go out and shoot a few with you. If you do, get her to go, find a .22 or some real powder puff loads for that .38, so as not to spoil her the first time out.
If she still refuses, then tell her you respect her position, but that she is just going to have to respect your desire to protect yourself and her, and live with it.
In my experience women tend to respect men that stand up. They say they don't, but they tend to much prefer "real men" to wimpy, PC types. She may disagree with you, and that can be ok, but at least she'll respect you for standing up for yourself. (and this isn't sexist---I think men prefer women that stand up for themselves as well I know I do.)
August 2nd, 2011 11:11 PM
I'm that friend...
I'm that friend DefConGun mentioned in his comment. He is right in that my fear of guns was related to my uncle's suicide in my teenage years. I was also raised in a family where guns were taboo...don't ask, don't touch, don't tell. My lack of knowledge was just as much a cause of my fear as my uncle's suicide. My fear was irrational and senseless...but I couldn't see that. My husband taught me a few things about safety, explained the internal workings and how a bullet actually fires, bought me a revolver and a ccw purse for Christmas, and enrolled me in a ccw class. Learning from him was a little tense, but I really enjoyed taking classes and learning from professionals. That was the beginning of a love and passion for shooting which I have now. If you are interested, I would be very pleased to talk with your fiance and share my experience. ;-) Sometimes receiving training or information from a neutral party makes all the difference. I hope all goes well.
Originally Posted by DefConGun
August 2nd, 2011 11:18 PM
Originally Posted by MattInFla
These are two very good answers. Most conflicts in the home arise from a lack of communication. You are saying one thing and she is hearing another thing or vice versa. This is the case in nine out of ten arguments between my wife and I. These type of arguments are usually resolved by taking a step back and asking the other party why they feel like they do and why they are upset. Once we fully understand each others position it's usually easy to reach a solution.
Originally Posted by Hopyard
Then comes the one out of ten type of fight where you both understand each other perfectly well and there is a real and legit disagreement. This is where the rubber meets the road in a relationship. If you talk it out and still can't get her to agree with you then decide what to do next. Defcongun gave you three good choices.
In life you have to pick your battles.
I give this advice to every person I know who is about to get married. Marriage is hard. You will have fights. As a man there are times when you will have to stand your ground if you want a happy relationship. She may think she wants to win every fight but no woman wants to be married to a milktoast husband. On the other hand no woman wants to live with a tyrant. A happy wife equals a happy life.
So what does all of this mean? Choose your battles wisely. Win the important fights and let her win all of the others. You need to decide if this is the hill you want to die on and then do it. Plant your flag, stick to your guns (literally) and tell her how it's going to be.
Repeat after me. "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you (insert desired resolution here)".
*disclaimer: If you use the above line more than once a year you're just a big jerk. : )
It is surely true that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. Nor can you make them grateful for your efforts.
August 2nd, 2011 11:23 PM
Don't be too confrontational but before you go into your reasons for wanting to have a gun, ask her why she doesn't.
Use the Socratic method and ask question after question and maker her rationally respond to her fear of guns. If you ask enough of the right questions she probably won't have enough logical reasons to refute a pro 2nd Amendment viewpoint.
Then when she can't adequately respond, give her the pro 2nd Amendment info she is sorely lacking.
"Was there no end to the conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?"
Revolvers, “more elegant weapons for a more civilized age.”
August 3rd, 2011 12:32 AM
It can be real helpful if she gets the pro-gun, refuse-to-be-a-victim message from another woman. DC's own Lima has a story about what altered her mindset, and both she and Kathy Jackson have wonderfully informative websites/blogs with a woman's perspective. See the links below.
Originally Posted by K9Buck
I suggest you proceed deliberately and slowly. Remember, you can't push that string across the table. Pique her interest, make sure she knows why you own a defensive weapon, but don't sermonize and don't push. If you two have a positive relationship, there should be enough trust and understanding between you to allow for her to understand your position, and you, hers. I really hope you can come to an acceptable understanding.
Lima's website: Limatunes' Range Diary
Kathy Jackson's: Cornered Cat - Table of Contents
NRA Endowment Member
August 3rd, 2011 01:31 AM
I had a niece whom was anti gun. She met a man whom had no problems with guns. I no longer have a niece. othrs are missing a Daughter, Sister, Cousin, Friend, Mother, Wife, Granddaughter. Deceased 6/14/2011
People are afraid of what they don't understand. Knowledge is Power. Having a gun in a gun fight is crucial to survivial.
August 3rd, 2011 01:41 AM
I'm sorry for your loss.
Originally Posted by ConcealedG30
August 3rd, 2011 01:45 AM
Very sorry for your loss ConcealedG30. I've said many times before that it is a very sad life lesson when people don't survive when they find out that the one time you desperately need a gun... there is no substitute.
Originally Posted by ConcealedG30
I spent a long time coming up with my signature line. There's a lot of truth in those words.
Again, very sorry for the loss of your niece.
"The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."
August 3rd, 2011 02:50 AM
Maybe, but it needs to be settled before names change. Seriously.
Originally Posted by Thunder71
3 pages and no one has posted this site, you guys are slipping. You might want to dig around here first. Then let her look at it.
My wife went from indifferent, to liking shooting, to buying a HD shotgun, to an XD sc 9mm, to getting her CCP. Mainly from just constantly inviting her to go shooting with me and a few news stories.
I prefer to live dangerously free than safely caged!
"Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun. And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son." Josh Thompson "Way Out Here"
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