My Significant Other Doesn't Want a Gun in the House
This is a discussion on My Significant Other Doesn't Want a Gun in the House within the General Firearm Discussion forums, part of the Related Topics category; When I first got married, I nonchalantly brought up getting a gun. I forgot what the circumstances were, but we were talking about something, and ...
August 3rd, 2011 05:56 AM
When I first got married, I nonchalantly brought up getting a gun. I forgot what the circumstances were, but we were talking about something, and I just said "I need to get a gun", and she said, "yea, you should". I forget the convo, but I intentionally took it in a direction where I could bring up guns. I went the next day and purchased the Glock 19. I owned one ( S&W Sigma) before when I lived with my ex gf in a not so good part of town, but sold it when we broke up and lived alone. I am more about defending others, than myself.
Anyway, at first she was hesitant of it, as in I would bring to bed side at night, and she was worried it would go off, etc. I went soon after and took the CCW class, just telling her it was a gun safety course or something. I got my permit and started carrying with out her knowing. She caught me once at a wedding when she put her arm around me, and got kind of upset I was carrying, calling me paranoid and what not. I told her we probably need the gun more out in public, than at home, stuff like that, etc. I still kept carrying, she noticed a few times and said something, until finally she just stopped saying anything. I think that she likes that I carry, but doesn't want to admit it. It has been a while since she noticed, or at least made it known she noticed, and I carry pretty much everywhere legal, except Church. I know own 3 handguns (was 4, but sold one) and a shotgun.
She was the kind of person that thought guns go off by themselves. I showed her how things work, and took her shooting and what not. She even wants me to take her little brother now. She was also all for me going to Front Sight, and becoming a member. I haven't got her to the point of carrying herself, but things take time. I believe she knows I carry, but doesn't say anything, and pretends she doesn't know. But I know there are times when she seen me put the gun back in the safe, and noticed a weird little bulge of my j-frame, when my keys and phone are in other pocket, and wallet in another.
It just takes time, show her how it works, take her shooting, she will open up. People have irrational fears, and guns is one of them. Good luck.
August 3rd, 2011 05:56 AM
August 3rd, 2011 07:16 AM
There are MANY things to talk about and compromise...safety and security is not going to be one of those things, for me.
Get it 'squared away' now, not after you have a ring on your finger.OMOYMV
My wife (in less than a month, it will be 40 years) never really cared about guns, but never minded me having them...they came with me. After 32 of those years, she decided to get her permit and carry ONCE in a while, but that's O.K. (her decision).
"That I cannot do."
"Give this to, uh, Clemenza. I want reliable people, people who aren't going to be carried away. After all we're not murderers in spite of what this undertaker thinks."
Certified Glock Armorer
NRA Life Member
August 3rd, 2011 07:55 AM
Thanks again for all of the great feedback ladies and gents!
August 3rd, 2011 11:40 AM
I was just gonna suggest to sit her down and watch the nightly news for about a week straight. If she still doesn't want you to have a gun, something must be wrong with her.
August 3rd, 2011 01:07 PM
Atah boy! I simply laid it out for my wife when she tried to voice her opposition regarding my firearms.... I'm in charge of the security of this family and I'll take and make what ever steps I feel necessary to insure our protection... If that sounds wrong, oh well... I wouldn't ask my wife to step into harms way to protect me, and she's not going to handicap me by forcing me to go into a gun fight with a bat or pocket knife just because she's not comfortable with a gun.. In matters of life and death; I intend to be on equal ground as my adversary or as close to it as possible anyway.
Originally Posted by K9Buck
"He that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one." – Luke 22:36
"If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so." – Thomas Jefferson
August 3rd, 2011 04:35 PM
As others have said find out what the real issue is now not after marrage. Usually this is based on some unfounded fear. Lots of material out there to explain the truth to her.
DEMOCRACY IS TWO WOLVES AND A LAMB VOTING ON WHAT TO HAVE FOR LUNCH. LIBERTY IS A WELL ARMED LAMB CONtestING THE VOTE.
Certified Instructor for Minnesota Carry Permit
NRA Pistol and Personal Protection Insrtuctor
Utah Permit Certified Instructor
August 3rd, 2011 05:16 PM
Well, before you take it as all hope is lost because of her initial reaction, a short version of what happened with my wife and I when we first started out is this: She was not into guns at all as she grew up in and was used to the typical city life, here in California. (You do the math) So when I introduced her to firearms her initial reaction too was to recoil from being unfamiliar with them, as a lot of people are at first. I looked at this not as a bad thing, rather an opportunity to teach someone that I cared for about firearms.
Now, skip to today and my wife goes to the range with me, hunting, helps with reloading and I've even caught her on MidwayUSA. She's a very good shot with revolvers and autos and holds a California CCW license. It's kind of funny because lastnight I was talking to my dad, a friend of ours and my wife and we were shoot'n' the breeze about a new 44 mag revolver our friend just bought and she brought up the, "Do you remember when we first got together and I didn't know the first thing about guns?" thing. So, what it boils down to is everyone is different and you can't always go off of one's first reaction. Sometimes they're even surprised themselves when they look back on their views of something and see the difference between before and after they actually learned about it.
Vietnam Vets, WELCOME HOME
Crossman 760 BB/Pellet, Daisy Red Ryder, Crossman Wrist Rocket, 14 Steak Knives, 3 Fillet Knives, Rolling Pin-14", Various Hunting Knives, 2 Baseball Bats, 3 Big Dogs and a big American Flag flying in the yard. I have no firearms; Try the next house.
August 3rd, 2011 05:34 PM
You want real advise, repeat the above to her. Its shows carrying and a willingness to fight for her. She should like that.
Originally Posted by gottabkiddin
August 3rd, 2011 06:50 PM
I'm going through the same situation right now with my wife. 16 years ago when my first child was born, my wife begged me to sell all my handguns because she was worried about the children getting hurt or killed. After a long discussion and many arguments, I agreed to the terms. She agreed that when the children (2 boys, now 15 and 17) where old enough or out of the house, I can have my handguns back. I have read a lot of feedback regarding this issue and I know some people think I should have put my foot down and said NO WAY to my wife back then. After living without handgun for 16 years...I regret giving in to my wife's fear of guns. Fortunately, during those years...I never needed one, but looking back....those years where probably the most important times that I should have owned a handgun. Nights that I heared a bump in the night...I had nothing except my finger nails to defend my family if that was an intruder. Traveling during the many vacations we took as a family....felt vulnerable out there. I work at a place where we handle cash and sometimes I'm the only one closing at our property. I have forgoten the countless times that having a gun on my side would have given me some sort of hope if the **** ever hit the fan while at work. I missed not having a option to defend my self and my family.
Fast forward,.... last year I decided to get my CCW even though I did not have a handgun. I told my wife my plans and she was ok with it, as long as I did not purchase a gun or have one at the house. A month after I recieved my CCW, I broke the promise I made 16 years ago and purchased a XD 9mm SC. Yes, I did not tell her. For almost a year I carried and stored this gun safely without my wife's knowledge until a week ago when she noticed the gun in side my waist band. She was furious to say the least. For days she did not want to talk about it and just stayed mad a me. Finally after several " I'm sorry honey" she was ready to talk. I said this time NOW WAY...I'm keeping the gun. I should have stood my ground 16 years ago, now I'm dealing with it again. She agreed that I probably needed a gun at work but not at home. I told her that I was going to take the boys soon to range and teach them gun safety and let them shoot the XD to satisfy their curiosity about guns, she was ok with that. As of today, that is where it stands, gun stays at work and when we travel it will be in on my side. I'm sure anyone out there who has been married knows what I mean by the word ..compromise. Our discussion if far from over, but for now this will work for me and for her. I know someday the XD will come home...along with the other's I plan to buy. After all , she said in one of our heated discussions, " you can have all the guns you want once the kids leave the house".
August 4th, 2011 04:37 AM
Honey, if someone broke in and was attacking you and attempting to rape you, and I came home at that point, do you want me to throw rocks at them ? Or, have a gun to protect you ?
IF she's extremely anti.... good luck, and trade her for a different model because you are unlikely to find 'peace'.
I was dating one woman, and really liked her, so about the 4th date... I told her I had something to talk to her about and we needed to clear the air about it. She looked concerned. I told her I had a CC license and I carried all of the time, and she knew my past so ... it shouldn't have been a total surprise. What the surprise was, she sighed some relief, and said, "I"m glad to hear that, I didn't know how to bring this up" , as she raised the side of her shirt to show me the gun she was carrying. The conversation then changed to when we were going to the range, guns, etc.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers ---
Chief Justice John Roberts : "I don't see how you can read Heller and not take away from it the notion that the Second Amendment...was extremely important to the framers in their view of what liberty meant."
August 4th, 2011 05:41 AM
Yep, you want that ring on your finger, not in your nose.
Originally Posted by Eagleks
August 4th, 2011 12:05 PM
Okay, you've "associated" yourself with guns. She is opposed to them. She is your fiance. She was unaware of your feelings about guns, and your desire to be able to protect yourself, and her, with firearms. This isn't a good start.
Originally Posted by K9Buck
You sign her up for lessons at a range... Great. You don't know the cause of her aversion to weapons, but you're going for the "total immersion" method of "fixing her problem." Kinda like me setting a dentist appointment for you with the guy from the movie Marathon Man, that should "fix" your aversion to dentists, right?
Originally Posted by K9Buck
You haven't discussed it any further with her yet, and you're going to surprise her with a trip to the range! (At least, typically, when a fiance breaks off the engagement, you get the ring back... Maybe you can take it to a pawn shop and use it as the down payment on your next gun). A couple of months from now, as you seek a new girlfriend, maybe it will "sink in" that you handled this improperly from the start...
Originally Posted by K9Buck
Now, let me say from the start, I'm not an expert on relationships. But surprising her with a trip to the range without further discussion and an understanding of what makes her tick on this issue, is foolish. No, it's stoopid.
There's been some advertising lately for a new sitcom called Whitney on NBC. Here's a link to a video of what women think about not talking: The silent treatment
There's a tremendous amount of truth in humor... learn from it.
So, surprising her without discussion is a bad idea, not talking about it is a bad idea... What to do? What to do?
Talk about it. Yes, I agree with the poster that said women looking for a mate want a take charge, protective kind of guy willing to stand his own ground. With some caveats.
You can present her with Facts about the need for self protection... but women want to know how you feel, and they deal from emotions more than men do (I know, that's a stereotype. but stereotypes, like legends, are somewhat based in fact).
Another approach would be to tell her why you are concerned about the state of the world we live in... more home invasions, violent crimes, rapes, the possibility of financial collapse and so on (it's a big, bad world out there)... But don't force her to watch every security video of clerks getting shot.
Tell her that she is the most important person in your life. Tell her how devastated you would be if something were to happen to her, and you were unprepared to protect her from that. You know you can't be there all the time, but if you were, and you should have been able to protect her, you would sooner die than see any harm come to her. Explain to her that you know she loves you, and that because of that, you should be prepared to protect yourself when you are apart, so that you can come home to her.
Explain that guns are inanimate objects and are not evil in and of themselves. Don't sign her up for a course... tell her you would like to go to a NRA handgun safety course and you would like to take her with you. (The handgun safety course does not require the handling of weapons). Try very hard to find one (or one similar) that is given by a woman...
If you don't talk about this now... Fugheddaboutit. It will never get better and you could end up without guns (until the kids grow up, as above) or, without a fiance or wife.
Now, by all means, stand your ground. But do so in a loving way, and do it in a way that makes her understand that not being able to protect yourself, and her, and any children you may have together, is unconscionable to you. And that having your hands tied behind your back in such a way is unacceptable.
Rehearse your spiel. Know it inside and out. Be ready for pauses in the discussion and be prepared to table it for a bit. Be especially prepared to answer any questions without any anger, but with your concern for her safety and yours obvious.
You have to convey to her that it is because you love her that you want to protect her. When you are both done with the conversation, let it ride... don't say anymore about it... let her tell you she understands how important it is to you... and she will reach some sort of compromise with you... She may not become Sarah Connor (from the Terminator movies) but, if it goes well, she will support you, your decision, and she will tell her girlfriends she "got a keeper."
Politicians, take note of Colorado 9/10/2013.
"You are elected to service, not power.
Your job is to "serve us" not to lord power over us."
August 4th, 2011 12:25 PM
Originally Posted by oakchas
Well written post.
OP, this is going to be a major test of your relationship skills. You screwed up your position from the start, time to get back on even footing.
August 4th, 2011 02:19 PM
Women are like guns... keep one around long enough and you’re going to want to shoot it!
An armed society is a polite society
August 4th, 2011 03:34 PM
my wife is not anti gun as she grew up with guns in the safe at her mom and dads and they hunted occasionally. but she just doesnt trust them that much she thinks that they just magicaly shoot while in a holster on you hip. but i have found the more that i can get here to come and shoot with me and my friends the closer she gets to being confident with them and would probably be wanting one for herself
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