put in a really uncomfortable situation.....

put in a really uncomfortable situation.....

This is a discussion on put in a really uncomfortable situation..... within the Home (And Away From Home) Defense Discussion forums, part of the Related Topics category; For the past two years, my bff (who is an ex boyfriend) lived with my family (my husband and 3 children.) He started seeing someone ...

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Thread: put in a really uncomfortable situation.....

  1. #1
    Member Array mommytanya3's Avatar
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    put in a really uncomfortable situation.....

    For the past two years, my bff (who is an ex boyfriend) lived with my family (my husband and 3 children.) He started seeing someone that i told him explicitly that she was not welcome in my home....(the girl has been in jail for armed robbery)
    We went to church yesterday, and found out that she has been in my home....currently my only form of protection is a knife.

    Livid, i kicked my best friend out of my home. He and his new girlfriend are not in a good financial situation, and he knows where ALL of my valuables are. He has mentioned that if i didn't marry him, he would become a serial killer and whatnot.....and i know he likes to run his mouth, so when he lived here it didn't bother me but now that he is VERY angry with me about the situation, i don't trust that he won't do anything.

    He made me so uncomfortable that when he moved his stuff out my cousin actually came and hung out because he has a gun just in case.

    My husband works nights, 6pm to 6 am.....regularly....so he knows when i would be home alone.

    I do not know anything about handguns, except for me to feel safe i really want one. I am really paranoid about having a gun in the house with small children, but my cousin showed me some really great safety features that are on his gun, but his gun is a little bigger than i think i would be comfortable with....but even that i am not sure if his gun is small or not....because like i said i have no clue on any of this.....

    SO any advice would be greatly appreciated!
    Thanks
    Tanya
    I will be getting my permit to carry, and i will be getting a concealed weapon license.

    SO i have about two weeks before i go out shooting with him, and i would like some advice. I would like to know what size would be good for me and what kind of lock box or whatever i should look into.


  2. #2
    Senior Member Array dnowell's Avatar
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    Sounds like a huge amount of drama about to happen. My advice is:
    - Get professional training on firearms and self defense
    - Consider getting a dog for protection
    - Harden your home to make it slower to get into
    - Seriously re-evaluate how you pick friends. Someone who goes from best friend to potential murderer was probably not a good friend to have in the first place.
    - Talk to the local police about the situation. See if the new girlfriend has a parole officer you can talk with. Get guidance from them and take it seriously. You may be able to get an officer to advise you on how to keep your home safe.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Array Slim_45's Avatar
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    For the past two years, my bff (who is an ex boyfriend) lived with my family (my husband and 3 children.)
    Iam sorry to bring this up tanya, but why would you even put yourself in an awkward situation like this anyway & how did your husband tolerate it
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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by dnowell View Post
    Sounds like a huge amount of drama about to happen. My advice is:
    - Get professional training on firearms and self defense
    - Consider getting a dog for protection
    - Harden your home to make it slower to get into
    - Seriously re-evaluate how you pick friends. Someone who goes from best friend to potential murderer was probably not a good friend to have in the first place.
    - Talk to the local police about the situation. See if the new girlfriend has a parole officer you can talk with. Get guidance from them and take it seriously. You may be able to get an officer to advise you on how to keep your home safe.
    Great Advice right there by dnowell.

    Tanya, you definitely have a lot of catching up to do... However, firearms are a deadly proposition. You have to walk before you can run!

    So, take your time and do things right. First off... Owning firearms and again, using firearms to defend yourself commands a great deal of respect, maturity and level of responsibility. The lives of yourself, your husband and your three children hang in the balance.

    So, often this requires a serious evaluation of ones own lifestyle and level of maturity. This is not a realm you should enter into casually.

    The friends you choose to have into your life and those you hang around with should be evaluated on an individual basis.

    Often times, people come to wanting to acquire a weapon for self defense tend to only do so after they are in a crisis situation. Doing so in haste can cause a lot of safety issues. Still, if your head is screwed on right emotionally, and you are serious about the responsibility, it can be done. Just remember, you can either do things half assed and hope for the best, or you can be prudent and hopefully make the necessary lifestyle changes in which you can integrate having weapons around for defensive purposes.

    In regards to your ex-boyfriend... may I be so bold as to say you kind of put yourself in a small mess which could become a problem.

    I would advise, you sever that relationship quickly, completely and without leaving any doubt in his mind he is on the out's permanently.

    No matter how your lifestyle used to be before, it has now changed and you have no room to have ex-boyfriends and their baggage in your life or your families life. You have three children and they can be a handful to say the least. You can not have jailbirds and felons living in or visiting your home.

    I would have my husband present with me when you inform him he is no longer welcome.

    I would also seriously consider having a restraining order, exparte, or protection order sworn out against him so that he will be arrested no questions asked if he violates it.

    Then in the mean time, you really should look at how secure your home is and get that in order. Learn to leave doors locked at all times and get into that habit. Change locks if necessary.

    Bear in mind, this is only my opinion and you should take it for what it's worth. But most of us here are very serious people about personal protection and treat carrying a gun for protection as a lifestyle choice and a way of life and practice it in earnest.

    There are probably very few of us who has not done a lot of soul searching and evaluating our inner self and made accommodations and lifestyle changes to accomplish this.

    Good luck and keep asking questions!
    -Bark'n
    Semper Fi


    "The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."

  5. #5
    Member Array mommytanya3's Avatar
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    I honestly (swear on my fathers grave) didn't think that things would ever turn out like this.

    My ex, turned best friend, has been around for over 9 years. His ex girlfriend was my husbands best friends sister. We were all in a very tightknit circle of friends. My husband and i split for about a year. In that time, i started dating my ex. It didn't work out, but we had a really strong friendship. At first he was alright, but slowly became very possessive, especially after we broke up. My husband and i decided to work on things for the kids, and my ex threw a fit about it. (We have been back together for over a year now.) I threatened to kick him out many times when he would get rediculous, and he always put the guilt trip on me that he had no one and that i would be leaving him homeless. I didn't want to leave someone i loved at one point homeless. So he started doing his own thing some, but every time i would start moving in another direction he would get super clingy again. And i put off ending the friendship with him, because i worried about how the adjustment would affect my children. My kids are attached to him. With the twins autism i was terrified of the adjustment. (I know that was my mistake, because dragging it out only made it worse.)

    The entire time my husband lived in the situation. We never physically moved apart for the same fear of making my children deal with that change. It wasn't a good thing at the time for me, but the kids Love their father, and i would not be the one to take them away from that....especially for my own reasons. I thought pulling them away from him was being selfish.

    I didn't care if he dated anyone, and like i said i knew he liked to talk like he was tough and scary, but he really was harmless at the time..... He may even still be but i don't want to take that chance. When he brought that girl here behind my back, i realized that my security, and my trust was broken and not important at all to him. Since she was capable of something so horrible like armed robbery, who is to say that she wouldn't hurt a child for her own personal financial gain.....and that is when i decided he had to go. And when i first kicked him out he told me i was being dramatic and begged to stay, but i really couldn't take my chances....so i stuck to my decision. (this happened on sunday)

    My husband is glad that he is gone. He didn't like that he was my ex from our temporary split, but he also knew that my ex did care about my kids, and helped out with things a lot.
    So he dealt with it.

    My husband is about as nonviolent as a baby, so i don't really feel he could defend the home.....(I am the aggressor in the family....if there is a violent situation, he takes it, i deal with it...which i have seen first hand in a random road rage incident years ago.)

  6. #6
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    You're definitely not the only one who has had a relationship on shaky ground before.

    Life happens. It's human nature. However, from this point forward you and your husband should be on the same page.

    Life is full of situations in which we never thought it would go the way it did.

    How you handle those twists and turns speaks about your level of maturity and character.

    Your ex-boyfriend is a manipulator and a will continue to leach off of people who allow him to do so. It doesn't take rocket science to see that. It might have been acceptable behavior in your life before, but it is unhealthy.

    Your children may have a hard time adjusting, but they'll get over it. I will say, if you continue to have him part of your life and lifestyle, you'll continue to have turmoil in your life. However, it's your life.

    No one is trying to tell you how to live your life, but a lot of folks around here will offer their advice based on personal experience and a lot folks won't offer much sympathy in the aftermath of what they believed to be foolish endeavors.

    Stick to your guns on telling the ex-boyfriend to take a hike. You are not obligated to support freeloaders or people who attempt to manipulate the situation.

    Btw... those who make idle threats or try to intimidate you into keeping them around are not friends. They are losers who pray on the kindness of others and then try to control the situation to keep it from ending.

    You may have thought he was a friend for a long time... but I think your gut is telling you what he really is. So don't give in.

    I believe if one is going to be serious about carrying a gun and getting their ccw they need to get their life in order and learn to live within the rules of society.

    It took me a long time to get to where I am today. It doesn't happen over night. But bear in mind, the end goal is to live your life and raise your family free from harm and danger and be prepared to take responsibility for protecting yourself and your family. The gun is essentially merely a single component in the over all scheme of how you accomplish the end goal.

    You sound like a very capable young lady who has those issues in mind and are now taking the plunge into accomplishing that end result. So good for you Tanya!

    And hang in there.
    -Bark'n
    Semper Fi


    "The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."

  7. #7
    Member Array mommytanya3's Avatar
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    He is definitely gone permanently. Looking retro you are right bark'n...he is a manipulator, and i don't have the time or the energy to do it again.....

    I have always tried to learn from my mistakes, it is just sucky that he ended up being one of them.

    I really appreciate the advice.

  8. #8
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    I appreciate the sucky feeling. And please don't think I'm am getting down on your or judge you.

    The last thing I would do is play games with someone seeking honest advice. I'm just stating what I see from my perspective from the outside looking in.

    As you can probably gather from my occupation, I see a lot of domestic issues and have seen some go horribly bad up to and including out and out murder as well as deaths from true self defense situations.

    Also, usually by the time I get involved, it's usually at a point where violence has erupted or at the very least people are in an emotional crisis situation.

    Also, take my opinions for what they are... Opinions. A lot of people would say I have a jaded perspective and rightfully so.

    So far, I think you are doing exactly the right thing and seem to have a pretty good grasp of how serious things can get.

    Consider yourself lucky you even stumbled upon this website in the first place. Like I, and others have said. This IS the best gun forum on the internet. You'll make some good friends here and get the knowledge you're looking for within these pages.
    -Bark'n
    Semper Fi


    "The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."

  9. #9
    Member Array DZcarry's Avatar
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    Woman to woman, if you are not familiar with handguns your best bet is to get yourself a pump action shotgun like tomorrow. Pump actions are very easy to use. You just pump, point, shoot, repeat until the threat is stopped. They are also good for households with small kids because they are too complicated to little ones to figure out and generally involve a level of coordination and arm length that a small child just does not have yet. The biggest benefit is that the sound of the pump action is generally enough to scare any half-sane person off. (ETA: not that I am in anyway suggesting that this is the only reason to get one. You have to be prepared to use it. It's just an added benefit)

    You also need to change the locks, secure all the doors, and make sure the windows have locks or stops that will prevent him from getting in or at least slow him down long enough for you to get your shotgun.

    You also need to take a women's self-defense course so you can fight if need be and you need to develop a plan for dealing with your children in the event that you need to defend yourself/home against an intruder.

    Perhaps most importantly, you need to be sure that you are willing to seriously injure or kill your ex bf/bff if he comes in on you. If you hesitate you give him the opportunity to take your gun away from you and use it against yourself and your children.

    The CCW is definitely a good idea, but make sure you get the tools you need under your belt to use it effectively.

    I'm sorry you are going through this, but use this as an opportunity to get yourself and your family prepared to deal with an intruder (something you should have already had in place).

    Best of luck to you, and I sincerely hope he doesn't do anything to get himself killed.
    Last edited by DZcarry; March 30th, 2010 at 08:24 AM. Reason: Clarification

  10. #10
    Member Array merischino's Avatar
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    Hello there Tanya. Here's another woman to woman perspective. I'm 2 months into my gun journey. I rid myself of a scary turned-out-to-be-a-double-felon man over a year ago. Discovered through the miracles of online access to court system data, that he was in the system again, had a court date scheduled, and I believed I read the data correctly had made bail.

    I decided it was time for me to run out and get myself armed. I also decided that running wasn't the answer -- speed wasn't the answer. So, I made it my full-time job to learn about weapons and what I felt I'd need to make my home safe.

    I decided that, for me, a long-gun wasn't a great option. I'll share my reasons in a private message ("pm) if you're interested, but long story short I chose a handgun as my weapon of choice. I also made sure that I did a few things before committing to any particular weapon.

    1. I talked to people who own guns - salesmen, friends, people online. I asked a lot of questions. Got a lot of (sometimes conflicting) responses.
    2. I established for myself what were MY priorities, what were the driving factors that would identify the right gun for ME.
    3. I went out to the local ranges and rented, and shot, every gun I had the slightest interest in that I could get my hands on. I must have rented upwards of 20 guns in that month. Sometimes 4 at a time. This taught me what features in a gun DO and DO NOT work with my physical being, so that buying a gun I wouldn't find myself stuck with one I could not reliably, comfortably shoot.
    4. I checked out the local instructors, picked one whose advice I wanted to hear, and took his class. I happen to have decided during this time that I (as you have indicated) did intend to eventually carry a gun concealed, so I made sure this class would meet my state's requirements for concealed carry training.
    5. I decided that one of the things I got told often was probably true. That there is no such thing as the perfect all-around gun. And that your first gun is rarely if ever what ends up being your most favored or every-day-carry gun. The first gun purchase will simply be that - the first. Don't rush into it, do your homework. But don't drag on the research forever if you have a real, immediate need for self defense. If you get the wrong gun for you, you can most likely trade it in for something more closely suited to your needs as you learn what those needs are.

    I ended up purchasing the gun that was most comfortable for my hand, which is a full size model. I have not yet received my concealed carry permit (I have applied for it. It should come next week.). When I do and I start actually wearing this gun, I may find I need to scale down to a smaller model. No big deal - at least I'm protected now while I work on the carry process.

    I'm telling you all this in the hopes that you find some of it helpful. If you have specific questions where a fellow beginner's perspective may be of use, please ask! Most likely your questions will be better answered by the good folks in this forum.

    You and I are far from the first, the only women who have been hoodwinked by a former flame. Whether or not, in the past, you took his threats to heart, you seem to be doing so now. I would recommend what others have already done: that you make this a clean break, that you leave him convinced utterly and forevermore that he is to stay out of your lives and that you mean business in making that happen.

    I definitely did that in my case... it did not stop him from stalking me for close to 3 months. I did not know until very recently that the reason he stopped stalking me was because he had been taken into custody.

    IF you are going to arm yourself, definitely do so knowing that you WILL use that weapon if the situation comes calling. As others have said, if you do not mean business with it, it will serve no purpose or worse, could be taken from you and used against you.

    As far as the legalities and liabilities go, training in self-defense should not only be about the how to use and care for a gun. It should also be in knowing how and when to consider going for it, and in what instances it should remain hidden. There are a number of excellent books and websites to read, I will give you my two favorite so far:

    1. In the Gravest Extreme, Massad Ayoob -- this book is now over 30 years old, but is still seemingly the gold standard on introducing the gun owner in their legal responsibilities around when to use deadly force.

    2. thecorneredcat.com -- this website is awesome. By a woman and for women, it is a very thorough yet concise introduction to everything you ever wanted to know about handguns. From grip and stance, to concealment, to delicate but must be thought about topics. The author is also a member of this forum.
    People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like.
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  11. #11
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    A name you may find mentioned on this website is Massad Ayoob. Ayoob is one of the foremost authorities on the use of lethal force by citizens as well as law enforcement officers around the world. Many of our forum members here are students of his.

    Founder of the Lethal Force Institute he is a police officer, author and lethal force instructor. He is also a very well respected expert court witness in the realm of lethal force and firearms issues. To date, there hasn't been an attorney or a judge who has taken his LFI-1 course who does not say they learned more about lethal force in that class then everything they learned about it in law school.

    As merischino aptly pointed out, his book In the Gravest Extreme is still considered the gold standard on the subject.

    Another one of his books I highly recommend for anyone, new and skilled alike is The Truth About Self Protection.

    Kathy Jackson, better known as PAX on this forum and owner of thecorneredcat.com website has just published her first book, Lessons from Armed America. The forward of her new book was written by Ayoob.

    Another great book by a female author is Armed and Female by Paxton Quigley

    I also sent you a PM with a few links to threads within this website which might be helpful in gun selection, using a gun for defensive purposes and a little bit about bad guys and threat behavior.

    Stay Safe and I hope you enjoy your time here.
    -Bark'n
    Semper Fi


    "The gun is the great equalizer... For it is the gun, that allows the meek to repel the monsters; Whom are bigger, stronger and without conscience, prey on those who without one, would surely perish."

  12. #12
    Senior Member Array Tom357's Avatar
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    You've received excellent advice on the gun side of things, already. I second obtaining a pump-action shotgun for home defense, right away, while you figure out what handgun you shoot and handle the best. They are relatively inexpensive compared to other firearms, and they are extremely effective at home defense distances. Plenty of advice, here in the shotgun sub-forum, on good choices. Youth models are sometimes easier for smaller women to handle. 20 ga is sometimes easier to manage than 12 ga. I personally wouldn't go smaller than 20 ga. Lots more ammo choices available in 12 ga.

    Do NOT, for a minute, get a pump-action shotgun for the sound of cycling the pump-action. Get one because it is one of the most effective home defense weapons available to you, inexpensive to buy and maintain, and easy to operate.

    One of the first things you should do is to secure your borders, and change what your ex and/or his girlfriend may know about your security arrangements. Change (and upgrade) your locks, including doors and windows, and your garage if you have an attached garage. Install or upgrade your perimeter lighting. If you have valuables secured or stashed around the house, relocate them; you don't know what your ex knows about your valuables and hiding places, if any. You don't know what he or his girlfriend may have done to make coming back easier. Also, you want to reassess the number and location of smoke alarms in your house. These steps will improve your security, and the chances of slowing down or stopping your ex, without turning your home into a cage or fortress.

    If you have tools in an outside shed or work area, that could be used to assist in breaking into your home, relocate those tools within your home, at least for awhile.
    Last edited by Tom357; March 30th, 2010 at 04:04 AM. Reason: added the bit about tools.
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  13. #13
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    Hello again Tanya. You have got some great advice here as well.
    I'm sorry to hear about the Ex and the situation you're in. Sometimes things change and we have to learn the hard way that someone we thought was a friend, really is not. It seems you understand that how and you are taking the right steps to move forward.
    I'll second the advice about contacting the local authorities, checking with the GF's parole officer and possibly getting a restraining order.
    Definately secure the home, locks and windows are important if he or she comes back. Search the posts here for info on "hardening" your home, change the locks or at the very least have them re-coded for new keys, longer screws into the door frame and even a door brace type lock like this:
    Big Jammer Door Brace Bar - Mace #80115
    Security lighting is also a good idea as well.
    The suggestion about getting a large breed dog is an excellent idea, not only from the obvious reasons, but a focus point for the kids. Bonding with a dog could be a great solution, if they were attached to the Ex, it might be a help in a distraction sort of way if they miss him being around.
    Disclaimer: The posts made by this member are only the members opinion, not a reflection on anyone else, nor the group, and should not be cause for anyone to get their undergarments wedged in an uncomfortable position.

  14. #14
    VIP Member Array friesepferd's Avatar
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    I don't really care how you got yourself in this situation, but I am sure glad you are getting out of it. What I would suggest for you:
    - A revolver. I'll admit, Im not the huge revolver fan, but for somone who is new with guns, they are great. They are simple to use, you wont accidently forget to turn off some safety when you need the gun most, etc. There are a lot of good snub nosed (short barreled- often 2-3") revolvers out there. A lot of people get them with laser grips. This way all you do is point the gun at the target, put the red dot when u want the bullet to go, and squeeze. something like this. The dissadvantage of these is that the trigger is heavy, not easy to queeze. If you have very weak hands it may be difficult, but most women can fine.
    - A small quick access safe: something like this safe1 or this safe 2. Especially if you are worried about being robbed- have it bolted down somewhere (some kinds can be bolted down, some cant). This will allow u to access your gun in a relatively short time, while still having it locked up and away from kids. Once you are well trained you can most certainly carry it around in the house with you, even with kids. you just must know what you are doing.
    - TRAINING: this is by far the most important. you must get some good training from a perfessional. If you don't know how to use a pistol, it is more than useless- its dangerous.

    There are a lot of other things to consider with home safety than just a gun. Consider a cheap alarm system, a dog, etc.
    some great info on guns for women: Cornered Cat

    Let me know if you have any additional questions.
    Wo die Notwehr aufhört, fängt der Mord an
    (Murder begins where self-defense ends)
    Georg Büchner

  15. #15
    AzB
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    I can't really add anything to the great advice here, but I will say you're in a good spot for help with knowledgeable, caring people.

    Good luck, and we'll keep you in our prayers.
    Az

    -- Luck favors the well prepared.

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