Very nice. And a couple of new ones.
This is a discussion on International Pun Contest within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Warning: These are serious groaners... Top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess ...
Warning: These are serious groaners...
Top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate every little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
"Who is to say that I am not an instrument of karma? Indeed, who is to say that I am not the very hand of God himself, dispatched by the Almighty to smite the Philistines and hypocrites, to lay low the dishonest and corrupt, and to bust the jawbone of some jackass that so desperately deserves it?"
Very nice. And a couple of new ones.
I prefer to live dangerously free than safely caged!
"Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun. And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son." Josh Thompson "Way Out Here"
You know, I laughed all the while shaking my head telling myself to stop reading. Horrible, simply horrible.
Can I use those??
I wanted to stop reading, but it was like a car wreck.......
EOD - Initial success or total failure
Some Tick Puns
Today my boys and I did yard work. And being rural, when we get in side we check for ticks. And found one. The cats and the dogs are medicated for ticks and flees, so I know it didn't come from them. Anyway, the actual conversation went like this...
"Mom! Is this a tick?"
"Yes. Kill it by pressing it between your thumb nail and another nail."
"Ewww! It popped!"
"That's how you know it is dead."
"Mom, are there other kinds of ticks?"
"There are lots of different types of ticks."
"Well, there is the tick that is long and skinny. It is used in some cultures to hold things together, and in other cultures it is eaten. It is called a Tick-Tack.
"But they only eat the last digit on the parasite's foot. It is a delicacy called Tick Tack Toe.
"And there is the long bent tick, as you may guess it is called a tick-L.
"To be sure of it's type compare it to a test tick-L.
"You have to do this because it is very similar to the straight parasites which imitate the twigs of trees. They are simply called sticks.
"Of course there are the ticks that Noah saved from the cold. They are called Arctics.
"And the small ones that dance and caper about are called anticks.
"If you look closely you can account for the difference between the mathamatick (often found in groups) and the egyptinan variant with the indicipherable writing on it's back, called the cryptick.
"And there are the small ticks that if you have you get into the movies. Those are called tickets.
"And the ones that only come out during the full moon are lunaticks.
"Did you know there is an oral variant that comes around from the internet? It is called an E-liptick.
"The ones that are very judgmental are called criticks. They are closely related to the scepticks, but are paid more.
"The burning ones, which cause a lot of expensive damage, are best left alone. Those are the ones we call causticks.
"The ones with a strong tendency to point north are called magneticks. When they get old they don't point north all the time, and then they are called eraticks.
"Some are found in small pricey shops, they are called boutiques.
"The ticks that you find beneath the roof are called atticks.
"The big ticks that are ground up and used as glue are called masticks.
"There is even a skirt wearing Scottish variant called a keltick. Be careful, as this one looks like a buff version of the narcissistick, which is a very vain animal.
"There are a couple of musical ticks, the operatick and its close cousin the acustick. Both belong to the artistick family. Don't confuse either with a guitar pick, that is a different animal, flat and about thumb nail sized.
"The ticks from Italy are called Romanticks. These are often confused with eroticks, which are not ticks at all, but a type of love bug.
"And there are the kinds ground up for medicine, called narcoticks.
"I heard a story that another name for this animal is an antickdote, but I haven't been able to verify this."
"Don't be afraid to see what you see.
Trumpetchuck some serious thought went into that vocabulary pun. I enjoyed it.
When you accept mediocrity you sow the seeds for future failure.
One should never confuse good fortune with good training.
Illegitimus Non Carborundum. In God we trust.
Some of these are two-thirds of a pun..."P U"...
Proverbs 27:12 says: “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.”
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NRA Life Member