All Puns Intended

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  1. #1
    VIP Member Array First Sgt's Avatar
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    All Puns Intended

    ALL PUNS INTENDED

    1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

    2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

    4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

    5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

    7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
    "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    "Is it common?"
    "Well, It's Not Unusual."

    8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
    "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

    9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

    10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

    12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

    13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..

    14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

    16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

    18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

    19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

    20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

    21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

    My own addition: I ate at the Moon café the other day. Great food but no atmosphere.
    Sometimes in life you have to stand your ground. It's a hard lesson to learn and even most adults don't get it, but in the end only I can be responsible for my life. If faced with any type of adversity, only I can overcome it. Waiting for someone else to take responsibility is a long fruitless wait.

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  3. #2
    Distinguished Member Array 21bubba's Avatar
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    Well done!

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    Member Array UnklFungus's Avatar
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    Yours is the best!
    “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.”

    Patrick Henry
    Quote Originally Posted by UnklFungus
    If it is ok to disarm legal citizens to reduce crime, then doesn't it stand to disband the military to prevent war?

  5. #4
    EBC
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    Very Nice.
    ***NRA Life Member***
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    Member Array Eagle Eye's Avatar
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    Rim SHOT please!
    Socialism tries to give the slave all the advantages of his security together with the benefits of freedom, and, in the process, destroys both the free and the enslaved.

    R.J. Rushdoony

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    Member Array das38spl's Avatar
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    Here's money that says Tom Lehrer created #19......
    Or at least ....put it to music (sans Ms. Andrews, no doubt!!)......
    All GREAT!!
    At my local gun shop today, they asked me if I had "any new jokes"......
    Too bad I didn't get to this Forum sooner!!!

  8. #7
    Senior Member Array highvoltage's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by das38spl View Post
    Here's money that says Tom Lehrer created #19....
    Bravo! Could be true. Some other songs he did:

    The Masochism Tango
    Poisoning Pigeons in the Park
    The Elements

    and my favorite

    The Vatican Rag:

    First you get down on your knees,
    Fiddle with your rosaries,
    Bow your head with great respect,
    And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

    Do whatever steps you want if
    You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
    Everybody say his own
    Kyrie eleison,
    Doin' the Vatican Rag.

    Get in line in that processional,
    Step into that small confessional.
    There the guy who's got religion'll
    Tell you if your sin's original.
    If it is, try playin' it safer,
    Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
    Two, four, six, eight,
    Time to transubstantiate!

    So get down upon your knees,
    Fiddle with your rosaries,
    Bow your head with great respect,
    And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

    Make a cross on your abdomen,
    When in Rome do like a Roman;
    Ave Maria,
    Gee, it's good to see ya.
    Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an'
    Doin' the Vatican
    Rag!

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    Member Array OPS Marine's Avatar
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    Nice, nice.

  10. #9
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    A chuckle helps the day go by!

  11. #10
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    Ah yes, Tom Lehr "That Was the Week That Was" - great album and great comedian.

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