Aviation humor, hope it's new for U!

Aviation humor, hope it's new for U!

This is a discussion on Aviation humor, hope it's new for U! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane. In his book, ...

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Thread: Aviation humor, hope it's new for U!

  1. #1
    Member Array Agencyman's Avatar
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    Amelia Island, FL

    Aviation humor, hope it's new for U!

    Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still the fastest airplane. In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

    "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace.

    Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots," Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph for those who don't know)
    No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
    In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to
    get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
    The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pil ot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
    The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
    The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
    When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
    Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
    Delta 351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
    attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

    Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained
    the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
    "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
    "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make u p here?"
    "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?
    Try not. Do or do not, there is no try.-- Yoda
    G4W is now, be "Vigilant Always" - Bruce, (vet)USASA, NRA, IDPA, USPSA, IHMSA, & USCCA!

  2. #2
    VIP Member (Retired Staff) Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    Thx for those - some real classics
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."

    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

  3. #3
    Distinguished Member Array 4my sons's Avatar
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    Out side of Richmond, VA
    Broomstick One,

    Got to go get another keyboard, this one is full of Dr.Pepper. Gesh guys. That's like the third one in a month.

    Some were old, but some pretty new.
    "fundamental principle of American law that a government and its agents are under no general duty to provide public services, such as police protection, to any individual citizen." [Warren v. District of Columbia,(D.C. Ct. of Ap., 1981)]
    If I have to explain it, you wouldn't understand

  4. #4
    Distinguished Member Array BCurry1's Avatar
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  5. #5
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    "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

  6. #6
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    Array rstickle's Avatar
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    Those were great. Loved to watch the SR 71s take off when I was stationed on Okinawa.

    EOD - Initial success or total failure

  7. #7
    Senior Member Array .45acp's Avatar
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    "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

  8. #8
    Member Array exposurecontrol's Avatar
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    Ashland, MO
    Most excellent!!
    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the weaponry to make the difference.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Array AirForceShooter's Avatar
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    Central Florida
    Loved em. Thanks

    Gun control is hitting what you aim at

  10. #10
    Senior Member Array older gunner's Avatar
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    Florida Panhandle
    Those were new to me. Thanks for the laugh.

    Broomstick One How appropriate.

  11. #11
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    Relayed to me by an Undergraduate Navigator Training flunky when I was in my USAF tech school:

    A B-52 was somewhere in the midwest doing a low level flight when a police officer/sheriff's deputy/trooper, running radar on some lonely stretch of road, saw the low flying plane. He decided to "hit" the Buff with his radar......

    ....the very bored electronic warfare officer noticed an unresolved indication on his radar homing and warning system (equipment used to detect hostile threat radar emissions) and requested the use of electronic countermeasures (ECM) to the aircraft commander (A/C) in order to defeat the "threat." A/C said "sure".......in other words, jam the unresolved radar emission......

    ....next thing you know, the hand-held radar unit sort of goes "snap, crackle, and pop" as the ECM's energy overpowers and fries the radar set's innards....

    ....next thing you know, the USAF is left with a bill to replace the radar set.....

    ....gosh, LE has no sense of humor.
    USAF: Loving Our Obscene Amenities Since 1947

  12. #12
    Member Array MoMike's Avatar
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    I recall a story from many years ago where an airline pilot was having problems with a traffic controller in Berlin. The traffic controller finally asked him if he had ever flown into Berlin before. The pilot replied "Yes, many times in 1944, but I never landed".
    Cape Locum Et Fac Vestigium

  13. #13
    Distinguished Member Array RSSZ's Avatar
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    I used to observe the 71's in and out of Okinawa also.(circa 1976-77 IIRC) In Okinawa the name that I recall used to refer to the "Black Birds" was HABU. This, after the deadly snake said to live on the base and island.

    I had a friend that was Air Force AP. He guarded the birds in their (IIRC) closed door hangers. One night he allowed me to stick my nose into the hanger. I will never forget when he said,"watch this",and he shined his fairly powerful flashlight on the birds skin. There was no feflection. You could not tell where the beam was focused on the airplane.

    Another thing strange about the aircraft is it has 3 side by side tires on each main mount.

    As I recall the aircraft would start engines inside the hanger(with rear door open),open front door and taxi out to the end of the runway. A large staircase would be rolled up and the taxi pilot would get out and the A/C commander would get in. He wore a space(type) suit. The a/c was immediately cleared for takeoff. Barely rolling,on came the afterburners. When the aircraft rotated it's nose up,it just kept coming up. By the time it cleared the end of the runway it was a couple thousand feet in altitude. We would stand their and watch the a/c disappear from sight,shortly followed by a vapor trail. --------

  14. #14
    Senior Member Array gddyup's Avatar
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    Great stuff! I'm rolling over here!
    "You've never lived until you've almost died. For those who fight for it, life has a flavor the protected will never know" - T.R.

    <----My LT was unhappy that I did not have my PASS-Tag at that fire. But I found the body so he said he would overlook it. :)

  15. #15
    VIP Member (Retired Staff) Array P95Carry's Avatar
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    Sorta on the theme - and maybe posted before -


    Why Airplanes Are Better Than Women

    1. An airplane will kill you quick…a woman takes her time.
    2. Airplane skin doesn’t wrinkle as badly.
    3. Airplanes don’t take forever to warm up.
    4. Airplanes like to do it inverted.
    5. It’s easier to get ‘trim’ in an airplane.
    6. You can keep an airplane from stalling.
    7. Airplanes can be turned on by the flick of a switch.
    8. An airplane won’t slap you for being a ‘bush pilot’.
    9. You don’t always have to be on top to ride an airplane.
    10. An airplane doesn’t ask you to put on a raincoat prior to entry.
    11. An airplane’s thrust to weight ratio is higher.
    12. You can easily leave an airplane before sunrise.
    13. Airplane exhaust fumes smell better.
    14. Airplanes lose weight faster.
    15. An airplane does not get mad if you ‘touch and go’.
    16. An airplane’s performance is rarely hindered by weather.
    17. An airplane will not get mad if you ride someone else’s airplane.
    18. An airplane’s cockpit is cleaner.
    19. You can calculate the peak performance of an airplane,
    20. An airplane is easier to roll over.
    21. You can still activate a fifty-year-old airplane.
    22. Up to five people can ride in the cockpit of an airplane,
    23. Airplanes last longer.
    24. Airplanes don’t droop after many years.
    25. You can always tell when an airplane is going to give out.
    26. An airplane moves when you tell it to.
    27. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
    28. An airplane will let you use your dipstick any time you want.
    29. You can change the looks of an airplane.
    30. Airplanes come with a manual.
    31. A 747 can keep you up for 14 hours.
    32. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
    33. When you put fuel into an airplane, it does not spit it out.
    34. An airplane’s curves never sag.
    35. Airplanes don’t get pregnant.
    36. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
    37. Airplanes don’t have parents.
    38. Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.
    39. You can share your airplane with your friends.
    40. If your airplane makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
    41. If your airplane smokes, you can do something about it.
    42. Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
    43. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
    44. Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you have.
    45. Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines.
    46. If your airplane is top loose, you can tighten it.
    47. You don’t have to be jealous of the guy that works on your airplane.
    48. You don’t have to deal with priests or blood tests to register your airplane.
    49. You don’t have to convince your airplane that you’re a pilot and that you think all airplanes are equals.
    50. If you say bad things to your airplane, you don’t have to say you’re sorry before you can fly it again.
    51. You can fly an airplane as long as you want and it won’t get sore.
    52. Your parents don’t remain in touch with your old airplanes after you dump it.
    53. Airplanes always feel like going for a ride.
    54. Airplanes don’t insult you if you are a bad pilot.
    55. Your airplane never wants a night out alone with the other airplanes.
    56. Airplanes don’t care if you are late.
    57. You don’t have to take a shower before flying with your airplane.
    58. It’s always okay to use tie downs on your airplane.
    Chris - P95
    NRA Certified Instructor & NRA Life Member.

    "To own a gun and assume that you are armed
    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."

    http://www.rkba-2a.com/ - a portal for 2A links, articles and some videos.

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