Oil Change Instructions

This is a discussion on Oil Change Instructions within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a ...

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 19

Thread: Oil Change Instructions

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Mid-Hudson Valley New York State
    Posts
    4,207

    Wink Oil Change Instructions

    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

    2) Drink a cup of coffee.

    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change:
    $20.00
    Coffee: $1.00
    Total: $21.00
    ==================================

    Oil Change instructions for Men:

    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.

    2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

    3) Open a beer and drink it.

    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

    7) Place drain pan under engine.

    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

    10) Unscrew drain plug.

    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

    18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

    21) Drink beer.

    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

    25) Begin cussing fit.

    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..

    28) Beer.

    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

    30) Beer.

    31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

    32) Beer.

    33) Lower car from jack stands.

    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

    35) Beer.

    36) test drive car.

    37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

    38) Car gets impounded.

    39) Call loving wife, make bail.

    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:
    Parts: $50.00
    DUI: $2,500.00
    Impound fee: $75.00
    Bail: $1500.00
    Beer: $20.00
    Total: $4,145.00

    ... but you know the job was done right!
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  2. Remove Ads

  3. #2
    Member Array Samwolf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    South Carolina, First to Secede
    Posts
    208
    LOL! That's probably so close to the truth for some of us.
    Samwolf

    "One of the ordinary modes, by which tyrants accomplish their purposes without resistance, is, by disarming the people, and making it an offense to keep arms."

    -- Supreme Court Justice Joseph Story, 1840

  4. #3
    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Wyoming, DE
    Posts
    11,047
    Thats funny!
    Hiram25
    You can educate ignorance, you can't fix stupid
    Retired DE Trooper, SA XD40 SC, S&W 2" Airweight
    dukalmighty & Pure Kustom Black Ops Pro "Trooper" Holsters, DE CCDW and LEOSA Permits, Vietnam Vet 68-69 Pleiku

  5. #4
    Senior Member Array boatail's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    va.
    Posts
    696
    I refuse to acknowledge the truth in this as it may tend to incriminate me.
    Light travels faster than sound...thats why some people appear bright before they speak

  6. #5
    Distinguished Member Array razor02097's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Ohio
    Posts
    1,974
    That's funny!

    Have to edit first part though...


    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Forget to change oil for 30,000 miles

    2) Car makes funny noises too loud for the radio to cover

    3) Call hubby because the car will now not start

    4) tow car to dealer to trade in for a new car, process starts over...

    Money spent:
    Tow bill: $75
    New car: $15,000
    Total: $15,075


    At least that is most woman I know that don't have someone hounding them to maintain their car.
    There is something about firing 4,200 thirty millimeter rounds/min that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

  7. #6
    AzB
    AzB is offline
    Senior Member Array AzB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Georgia
    Posts
    557
    My wife at dinner one night.

    "By the way, my oil light's been on"

    "For how long?"

    "Since Monday" (It's Saturday)

    "Aw, Dang. What kind of car would you like your new one to be?"
    Az

    -- Luck favors the well prepared.

  8. #7
    Member Array TheFreeman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    North Carolina - Concord
    Posts
    161
    Quote Originally Posted by razor02097 View Post
    That's funny!

    Have to edit first part though...


    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Forget to change oil for 30,000 miles

    2) Car makes funny noises too loud for the radio to cover

    3) Call hubby because the car will now not start

    4) tow car to dealer to trade in for a new car, process starts over...

    Money spent:
    Tow bill: $75
    New car: $15,000
    Total: $15,075


    At least that is most woman I know that don't have someone hounding them to maintain their car.
    More truth to this!
    One of the most dangerous political philosophies afflicting America today is the belief that we canít allow anyone to suffer the natural consequences of their own stupidity.

  9. #8
    VIP Member Array automatic slim's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    The western edge of The Confederacy
    Posts
    2,198
    Gee, you actually know of a Jiffy Lube that will just change your oil without trying to sell you an additional $200.00 worth of services you don't need?
    "First gallant South Carolina nobly made the stand."
    Edge of Darkness

  10. #9
    Distinguished Member Array GunGeezer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,249
    In my first life as a vocational automotive instructor in a large mid-west highschool district, the auto parts store I dealt with told me that their biggest customer for re-built engines was Jiffy-Lube. It seems the brain surgeons they hire routinely forget to replace oil drain plugs, re- fill with oil, replace the proper oil filter, remove the old oil filter gasket, tighten the drain plug and tighten the oil filter. I prefer to change my own and my wife's oil and take my chances on a DUI. The car is never the same after some high school drop out, motor head drops in a new engine.

  11. #10
    Senior Member Array RemMod597's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    behind you...
    Posts
    726
    Quote Originally Posted by GunGeezer View Post
    In my first life as a vocational automotive instructor in a large mid-west highschool district, the auto parts store I dealt with told me that their biggest customer for re-built engines was Jiffy-Lube. It seems the brain surgeons they hire routinely forget to replace oil drain plugs, re- fill with oil, replace the proper oil filter, remove the old oil filter gasket, tighten the drain plug and tighten the oil filter. I prefer to change my own and my wife's oil and take my chances on a DUI. The car is never the same after some high school drop out, motor head drops in a new engine.
    Shortly after my wife and I met she had taken her car to JiffyLube for an oil change. I got a call from her: "I just had my oil changed at JiffyLube and was on the way home when my oil light came on. I stopped immediately and shut the engine off. Can you come and see what is wrong?"
    When I get to where her car was stopped, I looked and noticed oil all over her engine compartment, and no oil filter. I back tracked her route and found the filter and a bunch of oil on the road.
    I called the JL manager and he come to where she was at and determined that one of his monkeys had put the incorrect size filter on her engine! Boy was he smokin' mad!
    Long story short - JiffyLube bought her a rebuilt engine.
    Haven't been back to a JiffyLube since.


    The maximum effective range of an excuse is zero meters.

  12. #11
    Senior Member Array Avenger's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    nowhere, usa
    Posts
    713
    Quote Originally Posted by razor02097 View Post
    That's funny!

    Have to edit first part though...


    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Forget to change oil for 30,000 miles

    2) Car makes funny noises too loud for the radio to cover

    3) Call hubby because the car will now not start

    4) tow car to dealer to trade in for a new car, process starts over...

    Money spent:
    Tow bill: $75
    New car: $15,000
    Total: $15,075


    At least that is most woman I know that don't have someone hounding them to maintain their car.
    How do you know my wife??

    I went to Jiffy Lube ONCE! Never again. The kids put the wrong oil in, opened the master cylinder, "adjusted" my tire pressure, changed my wiper blades without asking (I got those free at least), somehow got oil INSIDE my truck on the passenger seat, wanted to replace my K&N air filter with a cheap paper one because it "looks dirty," and made me into a nervous wreck. A week later I noticed the wrong oil and promptly changed it again with the proper weight.

    I make a habit of not throwing tools, however, I do consume a staggering amount of beer while working on my vehicles. I just dont drive. I actually amaze myself with the amount of work I get done (right work) with a good buzz. Someone actually said I concentrate harder and think before I act eliminating stupid mistakes. It also dulls the pain when I rack my knuckles or drop something heavy on my head or feet. I also always check it again sober before driving.

  13. #12
    VIP Member Array Supertac45's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Michigan's U.P.
    Posts
    3,657
    Quote Originally Posted by automatic slim View Post
    Gee, you actually know of a Jiffy Lube that will just change your oil without trying to sell you an additional $200.00 worth of services you don't need?
    There is no such thing.
    Les Baer 45
    Sig Man
    N.R.A. Patron Life Member
    M.C.R.G.O.

  14. #13
    Member Array natticarry's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    cincinnati
    Posts
    138
    The plus side of the jiffy lube experience is you get to have a good excuse to buy that crate engine you always thought about putting in.

  15. #14
    VIP Member Array JonInNY's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Mid-Hudson Valley New York State
    Posts
    4,207
    Quote Originally Posted by Avenger View Post
    ... I do consume a staggering amount of beer while working on my vehicles....
    Remind me not to let you work on my airplane!
    "Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch; Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote."
    -- Benjamin Franklin

  16. #15
    Distinguished Member Array GunGeezer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Florida
    Posts
    1,249
    A buddy of mine always says people like to be around him when he drinks because he gets so much smarter. I usually remind him how stupid he acts when he's drunk.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Links

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Similar Threads

  1. Oil Change Instructions for Woman
    By Patti in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: June 28th, 2009, 04:34 AM
  2. Instructions for new baby
    By ErikGr7 in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: May 18th, 2009, 10:41 AM
  3. Oil change instructions for men and women
    By Sheldon J in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: August 21st, 2008, 01:14 PM
  4. Instructions R Important
    By dukalmighty in forum Off Topic & Humor Discussion
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: July 22nd, 2008, 07:34 AM
  5. HELP - Disassembly instructions for a CZ 40
    By Sticks in forum Defensive Carry Guns
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: April 2nd, 2008, 06:19 AM