Colonoscopy Journal

This is a discussion on Colonoscopy Journal within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; I'm having a 'special intrusion' performed in a few more days...a friend sent me this...enjoy! ====================================== This is the funniest thing I have ever read. ...

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    Colonoscopy Journal

    I'm having a 'special intrusion' performed in a few more days...a friend sent me this...enjoy!
    ======================================

    This is the funniest thing I have ever read. If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!
    ABOUT THE WRITER
    Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.


    Colonoscopy Journal:

    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

    A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


    Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

    I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

    I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

    Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

    Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

    This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

    MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

    The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

    Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
    At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

    Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

    There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

    'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

    'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

    Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


    On the subject of Colonoscopies...
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

    6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

    And the best one of all:
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

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    Member Array gaowlpoop's Avatar
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    All true --- very true!
    Steven
    The "news media" has ceased being the watch dog of the people and has become the apologist for an irresponsible government.

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    Good Luck Ret. My Doc's name is Gross, go figure. Pretty accurate description. The prep is the worst part. You could set up a target at 25 yds and turn it brown. The procedure is the easy part. Then you get to eat and drink real food.
    Don't tread on me or mine.
    I am comfortable laying on a rock in the sun; bothering no one. If you choose to ignore the above statement, you will wish all you had to do, is deal with a snake.

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    VIP Member Array wmhawth's Avatar
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    Been there done that. The preperation the night before is the worst part. Dave Barry's account of the experience is hilarious.

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    Distinguished Member Array Black Knight's Avatar
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    Had my first one 3 weeks ago. The above is hillarious. The prep was fairly described.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Black Knight View Post
    Had my first one 3 weeks ago. The above is hillarious. The prep was fairly described.
    Is that were your screen name came from?
    "Just blame Sixto"

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    Retsupt, want to wish you good luck with the big event.

    I'm due one in a few months and seriously considering that perhaps it isn't worth it, for myself as an individual. I have other health problems which I think will catch up with me sooner rather than later, though no one can really say.

    Still, I encourage anyone who still has good general health and hopefully many more years to look forward to, to go for it.

    I had a BIL who died from colo-rectal cancer. The whole deal was a nightmare for everyone. And he could have likely lived if he had just gotten the check ups on time as he should have.

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    The preparation is the worst part. No big deal to minimize the risk of a nasty disease down the road.
    Richard

    NRA Life Member

    "But if they don't exist, how can a man see them?"

    "You may think I'm pompous, but actually I'm pedantic... let me explain the difference."

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    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
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    The description given is pretty close to the truth! Drinking the prep solution is one of the worst parts, the bathroom time before the procedure is not all that great either.

    However, it beats the lower GI procedure. Talk about a real problem getting back to normal. You might want to invest in some DEPENDS for this one.
    Hiram25
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    VIP Member Array Eagleks's Avatar
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    I was "awake"... don't ask me why. I wish I hadn't been.... especially when this nurse grabbed this black garden hose and starting scooping globs of vaseline out of a 10 gal bucket , and rubbing it along the hose. ... coating it with copious amounts.

    They insert this tube and I felt as though I would soon be able to blow into the opening in the end from my mouth... they then blew "air" into this .... to "open things up " and to see while they are in there. Oh, that is not pleasant at all. Just trust me on that one.

    But, he found some appendix that was constricted and asked me if I wanted him to fix it now.... I told him rather sarcasistically , well if you plan to fix it then you better do it now... because I'm NOT coming back a 2nd time. He said he would have to "balloon it" and "it may hurt some".

    OK, talk about an under-statement. I heard this machine SUCK in air like it was getting ready to start a jet engine and then WHAM.... the balloon pops inside of you and forces the appendix to "open up". To describe this, is like this.... imagine pulling the pin on a hand grenade and then swallowing it, about the time it hits your intentines... it explodes.... and every single nerve ending in your entire body explodes with it ... all at the same time.

    At that moment, I guarantee... you will have a personal conversation with God.

    Whatever they put in my system, I turned into the comedy club act in the recovery area. At that point, I do not know what all I said nor what I did... so I proclaim pure innocence. However, every nurse that walked by would start laughing , and I was told that I went on a roll... telling jokes for about 1 1/2 hrs... and had everyone in there was rolling over laughing. I'm glad they enjoyed it, as I don't know what I did during that time.

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    Member Array Rabbitcreek's Avatar
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    I too have had up close and personal experiences with MoviPrep. I am a really big believer in colonoscopies. I had one 2-1/2 years ago and when I woke up, I heard my Doc talking to my wife about some malignant tumor somebody had. I wondered why he was telling her about someone else, except he was talking about me.

    That is a real shock. Anyway, he took out about a foot of my colon, along with the nasty tumor. Got everything, no sign of the cancer in the lymph nodes or anywhere else. No chemo or radiation. This was only possible because he caught it soon enough before it had a chance to get out of the colon.

    That colonoscopy saved my life. Unfortunately I now have to see Doc once a year from now on so he can video up there, and no, he has not found my head yet.

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    Member Array DwnRangeKing's Avatar
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    I woke up during mine.....all I could see was the monitor the Dr. was using to guide his way. I was confused and groggy.

    "What is on T.V.?", I asked.
    "The Discovery Channel" the Dr. answered.

    Full clarity as to what was happening!

    "Can we change the channel"?
    "It is the only station we get here at the clinic. Go back to sleep".

    So I happily did
    Unfortunatley this is forever burned into my memory
    Molon Labe

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    Senior Member Array Luis50's Avatar
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    I got one scheduled in a few weeks...not looking forward to it.

    BTW, DwnRangeKing where did you get the avatar? I was Air Assault qualified in 1978 while I was assigned to the 101 Airborne Division.
    Luis

    "Everybody's got a plan, 'til they get hit".

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    Quote Originally Posted by retsupt99 View Post
    I'm having a 'special intrusion' performed in a few more days...a friend sent me this...enjoy!
    ======================================
    I get one every two years. I should say two. I get the up and down treatment. I think the nurses call it "the grand slam."

    It's not bad at all. I always wake up feeling better than when I went in.

    It's the 24 hour prep the day before. You will be camping in the can so make it as comfortable as possible. Get the pre-mixed stuff that you drink. You can enjoy a couple beers while you are camping. It won't matter. What ever that juice is that you drink, it is guaranteed to clean you out like a white tornado.

    Good Luck!
    If you understand, things are just as they are... If you do not understand, things are just as they are....
    - Zen Saying

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    Ret.........Good luck on the "special intrustion" or should be "special invasion"..........or maybe "close encounter".

    I'm due one next month (my third), and yes the prep is the worst, but not horribly bad, you just have to "sit" around the house for a day.

    As most of you know, there are several brand names for the prep mixes. They sent me info and Rx to buy "Half-Lightly", and I did. The next morning during the pre-procedure interview they asked me what prep I used (well DUH, ya'll sent the Rx), but anyway I answered them by saying I took "Half-Deadly". They all got a big laugh out of that.

    Seriously, I don't look forward to it, but I don't look forward to colon cancer either..........so I'm a big proponent for having this done.

    Any of ya'll over 50 years of age........SIGN UP AND GET IN LINE.

    BTW if you are having some problems, you may need one earlier than age 50. I know two people (my wife was one of them) who went earlier than 50, and it likely saved their lives.
    Turn the election's in 2014 to a "2A Revolution". It will serve as a 1994 refresher not to "infringe" on our Second Amendment. We know who they are now.........SEND 'EM HOME. Our success in this will be proportional to how hard we work to make it happen.

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