Federal Law Enforcement Jobs, a metaphor...

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Thread: Federal Law Enforcement Jobs, a metaphor...

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    Federal Law Enforcement Jobs, a metaphor...

    A buddy that I served with in Iraq sent me this, though I don't think he is the author. It IS, however, a pretty apt description of being a Fed, and it's pretty funny as well.

    Federal Law Enforcement Jobs, a metaphor

    The Magic Bag of Poo

    I am writing this to explain in succinct terms what it’s like to be a Federal Agent in a realistic, non-Hollywood format. I am frequently approached by folks from other walks of life interested in the opportunities available in the Fed world, and what things are like in different agencies. I have had the opportunity to meet folks from a wide variety of other Fed LEO jobs, and have come to some conclusions.

    There are TONS of Federal Agent positions out there, seemingly every USG agency under the sun has their own LE branch or OIG component. They all carry guns and a badge, and run around doing something related in some way (sometimes a very remote way) to law enforcement. Each job has its particular high and low points. Many require the employee to be deployable anywhere in the U.S., some require you to serve overseas for much of your career, and some in very inhospitable places like war zones. Every individual has his or her preference as to what is an acceptable work situation.

    Here’s where the metaphor comes in. Federal LEO jobs (and probably just jobs in general, but LEO jobs I can speak with some authority about) are like steaming bags of poo. That is to say, in general, most of the time they suck. All of them. If they didn’t suck the USG wouldn’t pay you so ridiculously much to do them. They don’t suck all the time, and they all suck in different ways, but it ‘aint “NCIS” or “24” on TV.

    So here’s the thing…you walk into a room and see a big table full of small plastic bags full of poo. Some are heavier, some lighter. Some smell really bad, some leak a bit. None of them are really attractive, but here’s the catch. If you pick one up and carry it around for 20 years it turns into a bag of gold. Now that’s not a bad deal when you think about it. The bag of gold also keeps refilling as you spend it, and you no longer have the poo to deal with.

    So, if you are thinking about becoming a Fed, pick your bag of poo carefully. Look into all of them and decide which one you think best fits your personality and lifestyle. Then pick it up and get used to it. Don’t go looking at the other bags, because you’ll think the other bags of poo look better. This is a common mistake. You may put your bag of poo down and pick up a different one, which will still turn to gold in the same 20 years. The trouble is, once you pick up the new bag your old bag will seem far more attractive, and you’ll start to want your old bag back. But someone else may have grabbed your old bag and that’s not an option, or if you can get it back it’s just not the same.

    So pick your bag of poo, carry it, get used to it, and be patient. Sometimes it will seem like the worst thing you’ve ever carried, and other times it will seem light as a feather, but it will always be there.

    Slowly turning to gold.
    A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands - love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper - his hands remember the rifle.

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    Senior Member Array DaveJay's Avatar
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    Great piece....

    But really...isn't he really addressing a vast majority of jobs...they all have their "sack of poo"...but we pick them up because there is something we don't mind about the job...so we're willing to carry the "poo-pack" around for so long...

    Eventually, the smell or the leakage gets to you and you decide it's time to move on...only to pick up a new poo-pack that you don't really mind (right now)...
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    Yes indeed, the essay even mentions that it's not entirely specific to Federal LEOs... Our poo just turns into a better bag of gold than many jobs, and it stinks worse while you're carrying it than many other jobs!
    A man fires a rifle for many years, and he goes to war. And afterward he turns the rifle in at the armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands - love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper - his hands remember the rifle.

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    I have told my wife many times when she complains about her job. "That's why they call it work and they pay you to be there. If it was fun they wouldn't call it work and you'd have to pay them."
    Mark Twain:
    The government is merely a servant -- merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a
    patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.

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    It applies to the military too, man, now I know what that smell is. I think my bag has a leak
    Fortes Fortuna Juvat

    Former, USMC 0311, OIF/OEF vet
    NRA Pistol/Rifle/Shotgun/Reloading Instructor, RSO, Ohio CHL Instructor

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    I get that; I'm not a LEO, but I am a Fed.

    I carried a bag in the Corps for 20. I get enough gold now to pay the mortgage and a little more. The bag I now carry at the VA definitely leaks! However, it pays enough to keep me cleaning up the mess it makes.

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    Member Array justjim's Avatar
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    I agree with DaveJay, every job has its paticular bag of poo. You carry it or you put it down, your choice. Some times you have a boss who want to dump his poo in your bag so he don't have to carry his own load which makes your bag of poo that much heavier and harder to carry. No matter what your job, LEO or ditch digger. You will have your own personal bag of poo to deal with until it finally turns to gold and you sit back and enjoy it spending your golden poo from the comfort of your easy chair. 20 or 30 or 40 years of dragging that poo bag around will finally pay off. Take it from and old LEO poo carrier who is now spending his smelly gold.

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    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
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    Yep, dropped my load about a year ago. I can hardly smell it anymore!
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    Quote Originally Posted by buckeyeLCPL View Post
    It applies to the military too, man, now I know what that smell is. I think my bag has a leak
    hahaha....as long as you got top bunk it's all good right
    "My God David, We're a Civilized society."

    "Sure, As long as the machines are workin' and you can call 911. But you take those things away, you throw people in the dark, and you scare the **** out of them; no more rules...You'll see how primitive they can get."
    -The Mist (2007)

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    Distinguished Member Array Agave's Avatar
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    The trouble is, once you pick up the new bag your old bag will seem far more attractive, and you’ll start to want your old bag back. But someone else may have grabbed your old bag and that’s not an option, or if you can get it back it’s just not the same.
    No doubt.
    The preceding post may contain sarcasm; it's just better that way. However, it is still intended with construction and with the Love of my L-rd Y'shua.

    NRA Certified Pistol Instructor, Tennessee Certified Instructor

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    My bag of poo is light and doesn't stink or leak. Unfortunately its maturity time is a lot longer than 20 years, and it achieves golden status through shrinkage, then develops constipation.
    "Each worker carried his sword strapped to his side." Nehemiah 4:18

    Guns Save Lives. Paramedics Save Lives. But...
    Paramedics With Guns Scare People!

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    Member Array Archie's Avatar
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    I am a Flatfoot Federalis. I am retiring as of 31 July 2010. It has - all in all - been a pretty good run. I have nationwide concealed carry status, which under the relatively new law, will extend into my retirement. I get to nose into other people's business. I will take home a reasonable amount of retirement pay.

    Provided the government doesn't go bust on me. Not sure about the leak yet.
    Anyone Worth Shooting Is Worth Shooting Well
    Please take a look at my Blog: http://oldmanmontgomery.wordpress.com/

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