Your Bad Joke Of The Day!!

This is a discussion on Your Bad Joke Of The Day!! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; A termite walks into a nightclub and says; Excuse me, is the bar tender here?...

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  1. #46
    Senior Member Array Mardet65's Avatar
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    A termite walks into a nightclub and says; Excuse me, is the bar tender here?
    "Kimbers are the guns you show your friends, Glocks are the guns you show your enemies."

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  3. #47
    Member Array Ghuqu2's Avatar
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    How do you get a Bass player off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.
    "The millions of people, armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us." Patrick Henry 1775

    Vegetarian: Indian for inept hunter.

  4. #48
    Senior Member Array Mardet65's Avatar
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    Here's an old one I always liked to tell tongue in cheek.

    How many cops does it take to throw a suspect down the stairs? None, he fell.
    "Kimbers are the guns you show your friends, Glocks are the guns you show your enemies."

  5. #49
    Senior Member Array ErikGr7's Avatar
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    Preacher was in the middle of his sermon for Valentines Day. Mentioned it was very important for all men to know what their ladies favorite flower was...

    Leroy, raised his hand. I know my wifes favorite flower preacher.

    Leroy to wife...its Gold bond flour isn't it honey?

  6. #50
    VIP Member Array JoJoGunn's Avatar
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    A Roman Catholic Priest
    An Episcopalian Minister....and
    A Jewish Rabbi are all sitting at the local bar having a drink and chatting.

    They all make a bet on how they can go out into the woods and save the souls of bears.
    So, they head out and promise to meet back in the bar one week later.

    The three meet and begin to discuss how well they did.

    The Roman Priest says "I met a bear in the woods, had him say the Catechism, a couple Hail Mary's and he's coming to Mass this Sunday!"

    The Episcopal Minister says, "I too met a bear. I had him read one of the Collects from the Book of Common Prayer, sprinkled water over his head to Baptize him, and he's coming to service on Sunday."

    They both look at the Rabbi who is torn all to pieces with stitches, bandages and all that. They asked, "What happend to you?"

    The Rabbi said, "You know, my Gentile friends, I too met a bear in the woods. However, looking back on it, I do not believe I should have started with Circumcision first!"
    "A Smith & Wesson always beats 4 aces!"

    The Man Prayer. "Im a man, I can change, if I have to.....I guess!" ~ Red Green

  7. #51
    VIP Member Array mprp's Avatar
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    City man wants to be a farmer...

    Ok, so this life-long city slicker moves out into the country and wants to start a small farm....

    As he's driving around in his new neighborhood, he spots a sign saying "Piglets 4 Sale." As he pulls in the drive, he's greeted by a middle aged man wearing coveralls and his young son.

    Farmer: "How ya doin' partner?"
    City Guy: "Well I'm just fine, how are you?"

    Farmer: "Doin' good! What can I do for ya?"
    City Guy: Well, I'm lookin' to start my own little farm and I noticed that you have a sign out there but no prices. I was just wonderin' how much yer askin for a piglet?"

    Farmer: "Ah, well I guess that would depend on how much they weigh."
    City Guy: "Oh ok, well what about that one right there?" as he points to one.

    Farmer: "Andy!! Get on o'r there and weigh this here hog for this gentleman!"

    The young kid grabs the piglet, bites down on his tail and lifts the piglet off the ground using only his teeth.

    Andy: "26 pounds Pa!"
    City Guy: "No Way That's Amazing!! How does he do that??"

    Farmer: Well we've been doin' it for quite some time now and I guess it just runs in the family.
    City Guy: "Oh well that's just incredible! What about this one over here?" as he points to another one. So Andy grabs him, bites down on his tail and lifts...

    Andy: "This one here's 29 pounds sir."
    City Guy: "Well I just can't believe that, I think I'll take both of 'em!"
    Farmer: "Andy, load them there hogs up in the gentleman's pickup for him. And sir, you can just take the money right on in there to my wife back at the house and she can tell you how much they are."

    City Guy: "Ok thanks mister!" and drives on out to the house.

    About 5 minutes later, the city guy comes rolling up on the farmer and his son again, parks and gets out with the wad of money still in his hand.

    Farmer: "What's the matter, wife not home?"
    City Guy: "Oh no, she's home but I just didn't want to bother her. Your family IS amazing! Looks like she's busy weighing the mailman."
    Vietnam Vets, WELCOME HOME

    Crossman 760 BB/Pellet, Daisy Red Ryder, Crossman Wrist Rocket, 14 Steak Knives, 3 Fillet Knives, Rolling Pin-14", Various Hunting Knives, 2 Baseball Bats, 3 Big Dogs and a big American Flag flying in the yard. I have no firearms; Try the next house.

  8. #52
    Senior Member Array CCWFlaRuger's Avatar
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    Camel Hair Coat...

    There is an older couple who have a child later in life and are very excited about finally having a son, so excited in fact that the father goes out and buys the son the finest Camel Hair coat.

    Now, the man has very little experience with camel's hair garments and asks the man, "How do I know that this is a high quality garment?" to which the salesman replies, "Well, a Camel Hair coat of the highest quality will have 1,000,000 hairs on it." And with this the man is satisfied.

    Now, of course, at the baptism, the child is far too small to wear a coat at all, but the man still is thinking about the coat all the time, so, he goes into the closet, under the stairs, all the way in the back, past the flamingos, the vacuum cleaner and the bowling balls, to where he has stored this world class garment, and decieds that he should take the time to count all the hairs. So, he counts every last hair on the coat, and comes up with 1,000,001... well, with this he is exstatic! His son's coat has the 1,000,000 hairs, plus one! Well, It must be the finest coat that ever there was, so, he seals up the coat, leaves the closet, and decides that he should write a letter to the maker of the coat thanking them for their amazing workmanship, and quality application of their craft. And so he does.

    A few years later in life, the son is graduating from the first grade, and again, the fathers mind goes back to the coat, and he says "Now, my son will be able to wear that finest of fine Camel Hair coat". So, he goes into the closet under the stairs, all the way in the back, past the croquet set, past the phonograph, past the golf clubs to where, hanging in the protective bag is the Camel Hair coat. So he takes the coat from it's storage and takes out his magnifying glass (again, later in life, he now has some touble being able to see so many hairs.) Again, he counts every single hair until he comes up with 1,000,001 and is again exstatic with the quality of this beautiful garment he has bought his son, but he is so young still, surely, he cannot fully appreciate this highest quality garment, so, he packs it back up and leaves the closet, intent on writing a very nice letter to the manufacturer of the magnifying glass who's high quality and precision optics have allowed his aging eyes to be able to count the camel hairs on his Camel Hair coat.

    Some years later, and even later in life, the son of the old man is graduating high school and the man says to himself, it is now time. My son will wear his coat for his graduation from High school and with pride, the old man makes his way back into the closet, all the way in the back, past the patio furniture, past the dustpan and broom, past the canned goods stored for "Just such an occasion" to where he has stored the pride purchase he made so many years ago for his son, and takes out the new magnifier that he has bought (the one with the on/off switch and a battery powered light bulb and the little circle in the corner that magnifies quite a bit more than the last) and procedes to count the hairs, ensuring that the coat still holds the quality that his son deserves, and again he is jubilated to find 1,000,001 hairs. Deciding that this coat is still far too hgh quality, and his son still too young to appreciate it, he packs it back up and stores it back away and leaves the closet, intent on writing a letter of commendation to the manufacturer of this new, better magnifier (the one with the light and the little circle with quite a bit of extra magnification) to thank them for the foresite, and creativity to design such a wonderful lighted magnifier which allowed him to count all those hairs on that coat, with his eyes failing so.

    Some years later, the son of the family is graduating college, and now, finally, after all these years, the man will have the opportunity to present this beautiful coat, in all its glory, to his son, who now surely will be able to appreciate it. So, he goes back into the closet, under the stairs, all the way in the back, past the lawnmower, past the toilet brush, past the fish tank, to where he has so carefully stored the most perfect garment he has ever seen, and procedes to take out his magnifier, (the one with the little light and the on/off switch and the little circle with the extra mafnification) and turn it on, and after all these years, the light comes on, just as bright as ever, and he procedes to count. Some hours later, he has completed the count and yet again, 1,000,001 hairs, and with excitement in his heart, he decides that it is not yet time to pass this coat to his son, and leaves the closet with the coat securely stowed away, intent on writing a letter to the battery manufacturer (the one with the black and copper top and all the commercials on the tv) for making such a high quality, long lasting energy storage device that still lights up his magnifying glass (the one whith the light and the on/off and the circle) even years later.

    So, now it is the wedding day of his son and the man decides that now, this is the day, the opportunity he has been waiting for, to finally present the coat to his son, and he makes his way, slowly now, (as he has gotten quite frail in his old age and now requires a walker to get around, the ones with the 4 wheels, and the brakes and the seat so you can stop and take a rest) past the gun rack, past the retirement plawue, past the remote control airplane and takes out his magnifier (the one witht he light and the on/off and the circle which still works all these years later) and again, painstakingly counts the hairs on his Camel Hair coat. And again, he finds that the true quality of this garment cannot be properly put into words as the coat still holds 1,000,001 hairs, and with that, the man decides that his son is still not ready yet, still not able to appreciate this, the 1,000,001 hair, Camel Hair coat. So again, he packs up the coat and leaves the closet, and vows to write a letter to the maker of the magnifier, (the one with the light and the on/off nad the circle) to thank them again for making such a wonderful product, and to also write a letter to the maker of the battery (the one with the black and copper top and all the commercials on the tv) and to the maker of the walker, (the one with the seat and the four wheels and the brakes) without which, he would never be able to get all the way back to he coat which he so loved.

    Again, a few years later, the man's son is having a child, and his young wife has gone to the hospital to give birth and now, now the old man says, his son will be ready, he will be able to appreciate the quality and the pride assosciated with this coat, and again, he makes his way to the closet, now in a wheelchair, and with an oxygen tank (as he was a smoker for many many years) past the rollerskates, past the lighthouse model, past the plastic christmas tree, to where he stored, the now famous, Camel Hair coat, and proceded to take out his magnifyer (yes, the same one, the one with the light and the switch and the little circle with much more magnification then the main glass, powered by the batteries, the ones with the black and copper and all the commercials on tv) and procedes to count the hairs on the Camel Hair coat... but this time, things were differnet. After a second count (just to be sure) he was saddened to only come ot 999,998 hairs on the Camel Hair coat. Oh, the humanity! So, he bent down on the floor, slowly, painfully, and searched with the magnifier (the one with the bulb and the switch and the circle, powered by the battery with the copper and black and the commercials) and pulling his chair along (as he could not get too far away as he needed oxygen since he had spent much of his life as a smoker) there, in the furthest most corner, all teh way in the back, past the typwriter, past the umbrellas, past the boat motor (and anchor for that matter) he found them, 3 lonely hairs, together on the floor... but what was this? A small moth, all alone, crying softly, and the man said "what's wrong little moth?" To which the moth replied....

    "What, you've never seen a moth ball in a closet before?"

    (You asked for it!)
    "You will not rise to the occasion and you will not default to your level of training. You WILL ONLY default to the level of training you have mastered."
    -Ruger P345; LCP
    -Mossberg 590A1; Model 42
    -Phoenix Arms Raven

  9. #53
    Senior Member Array Bubbiesdad's Avatar
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    The new preacher

    The new preacher had his first sermon. He had the the spirit on him, preaching hell so hot you could feel the heat and a large number of conversions at the end of the sermon.

    Shaking hands as everone was leaving he had several people tell him,"You know preacher, Tootie Greene needs to hear you."

    After hearing all these people say this he asked the head deacon who this Tootie Greene was.
    "Oh she's a pretty wild woman in these parts, she's led many a man astray." the deacon told him.
    The next Sunday, while the deacon was handling the offering, the preacher and the song leader were sitting up behind the altar. A woman walked in, dressed in a short dress, enough make-up to make Tammy Faye look like a nun. She walks up to the front and sits down. The preacher can't help but notice that she is wearing no underwear.
    He leans over and whispers to the song leader,"Brother, is that Tootie Greene?"
    The song leader takes a look and says," No preacher, that's just the way the lights hitting it".
    Always remember that others may hate you but those who hate you don't win unless you hate them. And then you destroy yourself.
    Richard M Nixon
    Owning a handgun doesn't make you armed any more than owning a guitar makes you a musician.”
    Jeff Cooper

  10. #54
    Senior Member Array Exodus's Avatar
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    Here's one I heard on the radio.

    A bar owner approaches the bartender and asks him if he's sleeping with the waitress.

    The bartender replies that he isn't.

    The bar own says: "Good, then you fire her"
    "To my mind it is wholly irresponsible to go into the world incapable of preventing violence, injury, crime, and death. How feeble is the mindset to accept defenselessness. How unnatural. How cheap. How cowardly. How pathetic." Ted Nugent

    SIC VIS PACEM PARA BELLUM.

  11. #55
    Member Array thephanatik's Avatar
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    This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

    The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.

    Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"

    In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

    "Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"

    "To your house."
    Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. - Rule #23 in the USMC rules for gunfighting.

  12. #56
    Senior Member Array tbrenke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ErnieNWillis View Post
    .........
    Wife: 'Would she use my clubs?'
    Husband: 'No. She's left-handed.'
    Wife: - silence
    Husband: ' . . . Crap.

    that is going to leave a mark....
    "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution, which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." -1792, James Madison
    There are always too many Democratic, Republican and never enough U.S. congressmen.

  13. #57
    Member Array Riana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ErnieNWillis View Post
    One more...

    A husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

    Wife: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
    Husband: 'Definitely not!'
    Wife: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
    Husband: 'Of course I do.'
    Wife: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
    Husband: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
    Wife: ' You would? (with a hurt look)
    Husband: Groans
    Wife: 'Would you live in our house?'
    Husband: 'Sure. It's a great house.'
    Wife: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
    Husband: 'Where else would we sleep?'
    Wife: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
    Husband: 'Probably. It is almost new.'
    Wife: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
    Husband: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
    Wife: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
    Husband: 'No.. I'm sure she'd want her own.'
    Wife: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'
    Husband: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'
    Wife: 'Would she use my clubs?'
    Husband: 'No. She's left-handed.'
    Wife: - silence
    Husband: ' . . . Crap.
    My husband and I have had this conversation...

  14. #58
    Senior Member Array tbrenke's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Riana View Post
    My husband and I have had this conversation...
    not with the same outcome I hope....
    "I cannot undertake to lay my finger on that article of the Constitution, which granted a right to Congress of expending, on objects of benevolence, the money of their constituents." -1792, James Madison
    There are always too many Democratic, Republican and never enough U.S. congressmen.

  15. #59
    Member Array Riana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by tbrenke View Post
    not with the same outcome I hope....
    Nah. I'm left-handed. And I don't golf. I just explained that she doesn't get my Ladysmiths - I plan on taking them with me.

  16. #60
    Member Array runningwater's Avatar
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    Drafting Guys over 60

    New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

    Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
    SSG US Army (RET)

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