How the fight started.....

How the fight started.....

This is a discussion on How the fight started..... within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Yes I know some of these are old but still good for a chuckle...... One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot ...

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Thread: How the fight started.....

  1. #1
    VIP Member Array Sheldon J's Avatar
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    Talking How the fight started.....

    Yes I know some of these are old but still good for a chuckle......


    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
    gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in
    bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said,
    'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
    table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
    long?"
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
    that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
    take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer..
    Always something moreimportant to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
    snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
    a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
    when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
    cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ________________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
    slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
    proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
    mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
    weather would be bad all day.
    I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..
    I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
    "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
    is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
    seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......

    ________________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
    Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
    age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
    back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
    processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
    Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
    disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........
    "The sword dose not cause the murder, and the maker of the sword dose not bear sin" Rabbi Solomon ben Isaac 11th century


  2. #2
    VIP Member Array automatic slim's Avatar
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    "First gallant South Carolina nobly made the stand."
    Edge of Darkness

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    I'm printing these up for those times I want a quiet evening at home.
    CCW permit holder for Idaho, Utah, Pennsylvania, Maine and New Hampshire. I can carry in your country but not my own.

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    VIP Member Array ccw9mm's Avatar
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    Y'all are on your own, with these. They're too hot to touch, in a public forum. Any one of them will get a person in trouble. Ziiiing!
    Your best weapon is your brain. Don't leave home without it.
    Thoughts: Justifiable self defense (A.O.J.).
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  5. #5
    VIP Member Array hogdaddy's Avatar
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    Good ones for sure, Did you ever get that Disability
    H/D
    A Native Floridian = RARE


    IT'S OUR RIGHTS>THEY WANT TO WRONG
    H/D

  6. #6
    Member Array EPIC SCUMBAG's Avatar
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    hahahaha.....cleverly written!!!

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    Senior Member Array SARR001's Avatar
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    "Life's tough......It's even tougher if you're stupid." -John Wayne

  8. #8
    Senior Member Array Tala's Avatar
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    Next time I get No for a final answer, I'm gonna phone a friend
    I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them. -- John Wayne as John B. Books in "The Shootist"

  9. #9
    VIP Member Array mprp's Avatar
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    Good stuff Sheldon!
    Vietnam Vets, WELCOME HOME

    Crossman 760 BB/Pellet, Daisy Red Ryder, Crossman Wrist Rocket, 14 Steak Knives, 3 Fillet Knives, Rolling Pin-14", Various Hunting Knives, 2 Baseball Bats, 3 Big Dogs and a big American Flag flying in the yard. I have no firearms; Try the next house.

  10. #10
    Member Array Shackleton's Avatar
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