problems, solutions, and definitions of aircraft

problems, solutions, and definitions of aircraft

This is a discussion on problems, solutions, and definitions of aircraft within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution logged by the mechanic. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: ...

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  1. #1
    Distinguished Member Array INccwchris's Avatar
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    problems, solutions, and definitions of aircraft

    P = The problem logged by the pilot.
    S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
    S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on backorder.

    P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for!

    P: Transponder inoperative.
    S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
    S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

    P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Radio switches stick
    S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

    P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
    S: Company accountant deplaned

    P: Funny smell in cockpit
    S: Pilot told to change cologne

    P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
    S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

    P: #3 engine knocks at idle
    S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

    P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
    S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

    P: Brakes howl on application
    S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

    P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
    S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

    P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
    S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

    P: Electrical governor is broke
    S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

    P: Air conditioning motor makes a loud squeal like my mother-in-law.
    S: recommend divorce



    Aviation Dictionary

    Airspeed: Speed of an airplane. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy pilot.

    Bank: The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

    Cone of Confusion: An area about the size of New Jersey, located near the final approach beacon at an airport.

    Crab: The squadron Ops Officer.

    Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly, or you are.

    Engine Failure: A condition which occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with air.

    Firewall: Section of the aircraft specially designed to let heat and smoke enter the cockpit.

    Glide Distance: Half the distance from the airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

    Hydroplane: An airplane designed to land on a 20,000 foot long wet runway.

    IFR: A method of flying by needle and ripcord.

    Lean Mixture: Nonalcoholic beer

    Nanosecond: Time delay built into the stall warning system.

    Parasitic Drag: A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

    Range: Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.

    Rich Mixture: What you order at the other guy's promotion party.

    Roger: Used when you're not sure what else to say.

    Service Ceiling: Altitude at which cabin crews can serve drinks.

    Spoilers: The Federal Aviation Administration.

    Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why you car payment is late.
    "The value you put on the lost will be determined by the sacrifice you are willing to make to seek them until they are found."


  2. #2
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    Array msgt/ret's Avatar
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    Good landing, any landing you can walk away from.
    Excellent landing, any landing that allows you to reuse the airplane.
    When you have to shoot, shoot. Don't talk.
    "Don't forget, incoming fire has the right of way."

  3. #3
    Member Array Shackleton's Avatar
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    Thanks for the laugh!
    Semper Paratus

    ‎"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." - George Orwell

  4. #4
    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
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    Take Offs = 22
    Landings = 22

    So far so good!
    Hiram25
    You can educate ignorance, you can't fix stupid
    Retired DE Trooper, SA XD40 SC, S&W 2" Airweight
    dukalmighty & Pure Kustom Black Ops Pro "Trooper" Holsters, DE CCDW and LEOSA Permits, Vietnam Vet 68-69 Pleiku

  5. #5
    Member Array Kovernm's Avatar
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    I love those. Haven't seen some of them in a long time. Thanks.

  6. #6
    Member Array jackson85746's Avatar
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    While in the USAF in Thailand, I got a call to a F4 Phantom that was on the EOR (end of runway) with no communication. I got there climbed up on the wing with engines running to discover neither the pilot or WSO had plugged their helmets in.

    I told them to shut down and get out of the ACFT. They did, I then told them to bet back in start engines and check communications, intercom and UHF. This time they both plugged in and they both had communications. I signed the forms R & R air crew. SYS OPCK Good. Everyone one had a big laugh, until the next day when I was standing long and tall in front of Colonel White who was the Deputy Commander for Operations. Colonel White saw no humor in it AT ALL. I remember him telling me that he doesn't chew someones a** but just chews around it and lets it fall out. I carried my a** out of his office, knowing that I had been chewed out by a professional a** chewer.

    Found out later that the Colonel actually thought the incident to be funny, but had to chew my a** to maintain order.
    Don't tread on me or mine.
    I am comfortable laying on a rock in the sun; bothering no one. If you choose to ignore the above statement, you will wish all you had to do, is deal with a snake.

  7. #7
    VIP Member Array Eagleks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hiram25 View Post
    Take Offs = 22
    Landings = 22

    So far so good!
    For most students that's .....

    Take-off's : 48
    Landings on the first try : 22
    Bounces : 63
    I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. --- Will Rogers ---
    Chief Justice John Roberts : "I don't see how you can read Heller and not take away from it the notion that the Second Amendment...was extremely important to the framers in their view of what liberty meant."

  8. #8
    VIP Member Array NC Bullseye's Avatar
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    How can you tell when a C130 makes a wheels up landing?
    It takes excessive power to taxi.

    How can you tell when a helicopter has made a wheels up landing?
    Crop circles in the runway.

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