Common Tools and their usage .

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Thread: Common Tools and their usage .

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    VIP Member Array Redneck Repairs's Avatar
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    Common Tools and their usage .

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

    PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

    SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

    ****** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "******" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

    FAWK: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.
    Make sure you get full value out of today , Do something worthwhile, because what you do today will cost you one day off the rest of your life .
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    VIP Member Array Bud White's Avatar
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    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


    No truer description of a hacksaw will ever be wrote

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    Great Bob - I had seen those long ago but this refresh caught my chuckle button nicely
    Chris - P95
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    is like owning a piano and assuming that you are a musician!."


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    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

    Ain't this the truth. I went through so many bulbs, I was down to the 100watt house ones just to get the one job done.

    As a side note, those curly florescent bulbs are great for this. I've dropped mine (predictably) many times and it still works. I'll never go back to incandescent in my "drop light" again.
    eschew obfuscation

    The only thing that stops bad guys with guns is good guys with guns. SgtD

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    VIP Member Array Old Chief's Avatar
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    Absolutely and accurate discription of the hacksaw. When trying to follow a scribe mark, which was drawn on the metal to emphasize the path of the hacksaw, this phenominon shows up vividally.

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    VIP Member Array ELCruisr's Avatar
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    Here's one from my shop.

    CNC machine. (Computer Numerically Controlled Machine): A high tech device used for cutting material in a sometimes unpredictable, incomprehensible manner. This allows the operator of said high dollar equipment voluminous practice of four letter expletives and the development of a fore head callous from pounding his head on a wall.
    If you stand up and be counted, from time to time you may get yourself knocked down. But remember this: A man flattened by an opponent can get up again. A man flattened by conformity stays down for good. ~ Thomas J. Watson, Jr.

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    Senior Member Array Packman73's Avatar
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    I also use tools for a living. Too funny!

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    Array Rock and Glock's Avatar
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    I've used darn near every one of those damnable things.... specially the knuckle scrapers that impart pain when the stripped off bolt head snaps unexpectedly.

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    Member Array amlevin's Avatar
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    Don't forget to add:

    ARC Welder--A device used to splatter molten metal in such a manner that it falls into the gap between the back of your neck and your shirt. A good ARC welder will produce "blobs" of molten metal that will burn a track from the neck to your waist.

    Cutting Torch--- A device, also referred to as a "Blue Flame Wrench" that will remedy such problems as frozen bolts/nuts and stripped/rounded fastener heads. Also can be used to justify replacement of floor mats, brake hoses, and wiring. Can also be used if an arc welder is not available to provide molten metal to fall into gaps in shirt.
    ""If I shoot all the ammo I am carrying, I either won't need more or, more won't help me.""

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    Distinguished Member Array dimmak's Avatar
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    Looks like youve seen me at work.... ;o)

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