Only A Man Would Attempt This!

This is a discussion on Only A Man Would Attempt This! within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; Sent to me by a friend, thought I would share... ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the ...

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Thread: Only A Man Would Attempt This!

  1. #1
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    Array RETSUPT99's Avatar
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    Only A Man Would Attempt This!

    Sent to me by a friend, thought I would share...



    ONLY A MAN
    WOULD ATTEMPT THIS



    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

    The directions said that:


    a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

    a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.


    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note:
    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    one note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.


    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
    The last Blood Moon Tetrad for this millennium starts in April 2014 and ends in September 2015...according to NASA.

    ***********************************
    Certified Glock Armorer
    NRA Life Member[/B]

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  3. #2
    Member Array Back 40's Avatar
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    I've seen this before but oh my God it makes me laugh so hard. I can see my dumb but sitting there doing the same thing!

    Thanks for posting!

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    VIP Member Array Guantes's Avatar
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    Old but always a chuckle to read.
    "I do what I do." Cpl 'coach' Bowden, "Southern Comfort".

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    We were playing with the small one last week at the LGS, I should say the owners son was. When He put it to his forearm and pulled the trigger it would bend his wrist which that was enough for me, the big Tazer cracks loud like a dead short on a 12 volt car battery and should be used on the nads of all rapest/child molesters imo.
    No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms. -- Thomas Jefferson

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    VIP Member Array SpencerB's Avatar
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    haha nice that reminds me of some of my relatives!

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    Senior Member Array Tala's Avatar
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    As tazer guy found out, with enough voltage you can't let go. Happens to rats, squirrels and birds all the time on cattle fences. If you find your fence grounded out some frosty -20 windchill morning, you gotta go walk the fence and remove their little bodies off the lines. Preferably after unplugging it first! I wish the cats would do their job a little better and save me the trouble.

    Lets just say I'm a believer and won't feel the need to test anything on myself, but I about cried I was laughing so hard at the story!
    I won't be wronged, I won't be insulted, I won't be laid a hand on. I don't do these things to other people and I expect the same from them. -- John Wayne as John B. Books in "The Shootist"

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tala View Post
    As tazer guy found out, with enough voltage you can't let go. Happens to rats, squirrels and birds all the time on cattle fences. If you find your fence grounded out some frosty -20 windchill morning, you gotta go walk the fence and remove their little bodies off the lines. Preferably after unplugging it first! I wish the cats would do their job a little better and save me the trouble.

    Lets just say I'm a believer and won't feel the need to test anything on myself, but I about cried I was laughing so hard at the story!
    That is because you are not a guy. All men know that just because one guy (probably less manly than themselves) had a bad experience, does not mean that a TRULY testosterone filled specimen of ultimate manhood such as themselves couldn't stand up to such a piddling little zapper.
    !
    There isn't a man on this forum who has read this story and not thought, "What a wimp! I could take it."
    "Mind own business"
    "Always cut cards"

  9. #8
    VIP Member Array Guantes's Avatar
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    Please remove this Wimp from the list.
    "I do what I do." Cpl 'coach' Bowden, "Southern Comfort".

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    Quote Originally Posted by Guantes View Post
    Please remove this Wimp from the list.
    Really? You didn't think it for just a split second the first time you read it? Come on, be honest here.

    So, what, you think the guy should have tested it on the cat? The only REASONABLE test subject was himself. And it just HAD to be tested, didn't it?
    "Mind own business"
    "Always cut cards"

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    Member Array hk45c's Avatar
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    I "know" this guy from the hkpro forums. At least he said it was him when I read it a few years ago.
    Nemo Me Impune Lacessit
    ----
    If not me, then who?

  12. #11
    VIP Member Array Guantes's Avatar
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    I have had sufficient physical pain inflicted by others I don't need to add my own efforts.

    I think that the person who will benefit from possession of the device should be the test subject so that they will have confidence in the performance of the instrument.
    "I do what I do." Cpl 'coach' Bowden, "Southern Comfort".

  13. #12
    VIP Member Array Old School's Avatar
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    Cool

    I took the 5 second ride during training to be issued the M-26 Taser. Holy Moly !!!!!!!!! The cool part was once it's over it's over. I would rather be tased then OC sprayed any day. Neither one are much fun though.
    "Violence is seldom the answer, but when it is the answer it is the only answer".

    "A nation of sheep breeds a government of wolves".

    http://www.woundedwarriorproject.org/

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    Distinguished Member Array alachner's Avatar
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    This was SOOOOOO funny. I could picture this guy flapping around the living room like a fish out of the water and the cat all freaked out by the situation. Excellent reading!!!!
    "If you carry a gun, people will call you paranoid. That's ridiculous... If I have a gun, what in the hell do I have to be paranoid for?" [Clint Smith - Thunder Ranch]

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    Senior Member Array highvoltage's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by retsupt99 View Post
    ...... (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!......
    Yup, it's not the current, it's the voltage. Run the voltage high enough and pulse it to twitch your muscles, keep the current low enough that it doesn't kill you and you're a believer.

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    I'm ROTFLMButtO!!!!!!!

    Oh my God,
    Wife just finished putting stuff under the tree tonight, and was in bed trying to get to sleep, while I am incessantly bursting into subdued but unnavoidable laughter
    Merry Christmas All !!!
    If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

    Washington didn't use his freedom of speech to defeat the British, He shot them!

    Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy." -- Ernest Benn

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