Americans With No Abilities Act Passes Congress, Washington, DC

Congress approved today sweeping legislation that provides generous benefits for countless Americans lacking the basic skills and motivation required to function productively in everyday life. The \"Americans With No Abilities Act\" (AWNAA), signed into law by President Kerry shortly after passage, is being hailed by advocates as a major victory for the millions of Americans who lack any real skills, ambition or worth.

\"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in our society. They\'ve been virtually left behind\" said President Kerry, a longtime AWNAA supporter. We can no longer stand by idly and allow Persons of Inability (PIA) to be ridiculed and passed-by by those with more motivation and skill. With this legislation employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to workers simply because they do a better job or have at least some idea of what they\'re doing\" said the beaming president.

President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80% of postal employees lack job skills making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Other private sector industries with long-standing records of nondiscrimination against the Persons of Inability include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%) and home improvement \"warehouse\" stores (65%). President Kerry has set an example by personally selecting hundreds of unqualified and incapable people to fill federal government positions, including many of his top-level cabinet jobs.

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act more than 25 million \"middle man\" positions will be created with important-sounding titles yet little responsibility, providing an illusory sense of purpose. Mandatory nonperformance-based raises and promotions will be provided under the newly signed Act to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The new legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant percentage of Persons of Inability in top positions, and provides a tax credit to small and medium size businesses that agree to hire two clueless or worthless workers for every talented new-hire.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new provisions that make it more difficult to discriminate against Persons of Inability by banning discriminatory interview questions such as \"Do you have any goals for the future?\" or \" Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?\" and the sometimes asked \"Are you even awake?\".

\"As a Person of Inability, I can\'t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,\" said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut spinner at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. \"This new law should really help useless people like me.\"

With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented Americans can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. President Kerry closed the signing ceremony by saying, \"It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, skill or motivation, with some sort of entitlement. \"The Americans With No Abilities Act has fulfilled that mission\".