Disorder In The Court

Disorder In The Court

This is a discussion on Disorder In The Court within the Off Topic & Humor Discussion forums, part of the The Back Porch category; These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down ...

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Thread: Disorder In The Court

  1. #1
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    Disorder In The Court

    These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
    and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
    taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



    ____________ _________ _________ ______

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you kidding me?



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ __

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.



    ____________ _________ _________ _______

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



    ____________ _________ _________ ________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ __

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ __

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.



    ____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?



    ____________ _________ _________ ________
    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


  2. #2
    VIP Member Array Hiram25's Avatar
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    Funny, thanks!
    Hiram25
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    Oh man, that is so wrong it is right. Good and funny.

  4. #4
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    Sadly, I am not surprised anymore by the lack of intelligence people seem to show constantly
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  5. #5
    Distinguished Member Array TerriLi's Avatar
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    Anyone notice it was mostly the Attorney that says something that just put a ?mark after their IQ.....
    I know not what this "overkill" means.

    Honing the knives, Cleaning the longguns, Stocking up ammo.

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    Member Array UnklFungus's Avatar
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    Thanks. It's 5:19am and I can't sleep. I literally woke my wife up laughing!
    “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.”

    Patrick Henry
    Quote Originally Posted by UnklFungus
    If it is ok to disarm legal citizens to reduce crime, then doesn't it stand to disband the military to prevent war?

  7. #7
    Member Array UnklFungus's Avatar
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    Here is the actual book, for your reading pleasure!!
    http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court.../dp/0393319288
    “The Constitution is not an instrument for the government to restrain the people, it is an instrument for the people to restrain the government.”

    Patrick Henry
    Quote Originally Posted by UnklFungus
    If it is ok to disarm legal citizens to reduce crime, then doesn't it stand to disband the military to prevent war?

  8. #8
    Senior Member Array gilraen's Avatar
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    Okay, I'm a paralegal, and that's funny as heck. Attorneys have to be intelligent to get through law school and pass the bar. But you get up in front of a court of law, and sometimes things get mixed up on the way out of your mouth. (And of course, a minority of lawyers just don't give a flip....)
    "I pledge allegiance to the war banner of the united states of Totalitaria. And to the Republic, which no longer stands, several bankers, who are now god, indivisible, with Bernanke bucks and credit for all."

  9. #9
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    "Order in the court!
    The judge is eating beans,
    Susie's in the bathtub,
    sinking submarines."

    Circa 1950's
    "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left." Eccl. 10:2

  10. #10
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    Funny!
    I was thinking of the classic Three Stooges Short "Disorder In The Court".
    Babyhulk
    NRA Life Member since 2010

  11. #11
    VIP Member Array Paco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by UnklFungus View Post
    Here is the actual book, for your reading pleasure!!
    http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court.../dp/0393319288
    I am SO buying that book. On days when I feel like a moron I'll just whip it out and thumb through it for a few minutes, problem solved.
    "Don't hit a man if you can possibly avoid it; but if you do hit him, put him to sleep." - Theodore Roosevelt

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    Distinguished Member Array BigStick's Avatar
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    I just got done with jury duty, and I think the defense attourney might have been one of those quoted. She was that bad. I would definitly have asked for a new lawyer if it was me.

    Being able to memorize case law and pass tests doesn't mean you have common sense or good listening skills.
    Walk softly ...

  13. #13
    Member Array IronMike's Avatar
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    Great...I have jury duty this week,I'll be trying not to laugh all day now.
    It is pardonable to be defeated but never surprised.
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  14. #14
    Senior Member Array Chad Rogers's Avatar
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    Best line I ever heard, and I heard this with my own ears:

    Bank robbery defendant on witness stand during cross examination. AUSA shows him the bank counter photo in which he is plainly visible.

    - AUSA: "So Mr. X, would you tell the ladies and gentelmen of the jury exactly what you were doing in this bank the morning of __________."

    - Defendant: "Everybody gotta be somewhere at some time."

  15. #15
    VIP Member Array 10thmtn's Avatar
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    I sat on a jury last year. One of the attorneys was absolutely not the sharpest knife in the block. It was amazing to see.
    The more good folks carry guns, the fewer shots the crazies can get off.
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