The French

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    The French

    \"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals.
    Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
    France has usually been governed by prostitutes.\"
    ---Mark Twain


    \"I would rather have a German division in front of me
    than a French one behind me.\"
    --- General George S. Patton


    \"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting
    without your accordion.\"
    --Norman Schwartzkopf


    \"We can stand here like the French,
    or we can do something about it.\"
    ---- Marge Simpson


    \"As far as I\'m concerned, war always means failure\"
    ---Jacques Chirac, President of France


    \"As far as France is concerned, you\'re right.\"
    ---Rush Limbaugh


    \"The only time France wants us to go to war is when
    the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.\"
    --- Regis Philbin


    There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman sitting
    together in a carriage in a train going through a French Provence.
    Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style
    train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely
    dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really
    loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the
    Englisman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman
    had his hand against his face where he had been slapped. The Frenchman
    was thinking: \'The English fella must have kissed her and she missed
    him and slapped me instead.'The woman was thinking: \'The French fella
    must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got
    slapped for it.'And the Englishman was thinking: \'This is great. The
    next time the train goes through a tunnel I\'ll make another kissing
    noise and slap that French ******* again.\'


    Next time there\'s a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.


    An old saying:
    Raise your right hand if you like the French....
    Raise both hands if you are French.


    \"You know why the French don\'t want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
    Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret.
    He is French, people.\"
    --Conan O\'Brien


    \"I don\'t know why people are surprised that France won\'t help us
    get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn\'t help us
    get the Germans out of France!\"
    ---Jay Leno


    \"The last time the French asked for \'more proof'it came
    marching into Paris under a German flag.\"
    --David Letterman


    REPLACEMENTS FOR THE
    FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
    \"Runaway\" by Del Shannon,
    \"Walk Right In\" by the Rooftop Singers,
    \"Everybody\'s Somebody\'s Fool by Connie Francis,
    \"Running Scared\" by Roy Orbison,
    \"I Really Don\'t Want to Know\" by Tommy Edwards,
    \"Surrender\" by Elvis Presley,
    \"Save It For Me\" by The Four Seasons,
    \"Live and Let Die\" by Wings,
    \"I\'m Leaving It All Up To You\" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
    \"What a Fool Believes\" by the Doobie Brothers,
    \"Don\'t Worry, Be Happy\" by Bobby McFerrin
    \"Raise Your Hands\" by Jon Bon Jovi


    How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.


    Still, it\'s essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq.
    They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.


    How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows. It\'s
    never been tried.


    What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
    -The French Army.


    How many gears does a French tank have? Five, four in reverse and one
    forward (in case of attack from behind).


    Dennis Miller specializes in anti-French humor. \"The only way the
    French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq,\"
    Miller says.


    \"The French are always reticent to surrender to the wishes of their
    friends and always more than willing to surrender to the wishes of
    their enemies.\"


    That last one is more than a joke. It\'s shrewd commentary. It captures
    why the French make such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO 40
    years ago and declared Americans must close down their bases in
    France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk had a bitterly caustic response.
    Should we dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy, too, and
    take them home? No French answer was recorded.
    They have recently answered the question, however. They said \"dig them
    up and take them out. We need room for golf courses !\"


    \"You can always count on the French to be there when they need us!

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